Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Worst Part is Not Knowing

As I mentioned before, Zoe's music class at school has been studying the musical, Annie. She hasn't been bothered by it, and has talked to me several times this week about how much she likes the songs. After seeing the first part of the movie, she said she thought Annie was lucky that her birth parents left a note saying they would come back for her. Now Zoe knows the whole story, including the fact that fake birth parents came for Annie, trying to extort money from Daddy Warbucks.

Still, yesterday she said she wished she were Annie. When I asked her why, she said, "You know." Usually when she says that, I do know -- it has something to do with her birth parents. But I couldn't quite figure out how. After all, Annie didn't find her birth parents, she got fake birth parents. I said that, and asked how that would make her want to be Annie.

Zoe said, "Don't you remember? After Annie came back, the president said they'd tried to find her birth parents but they had died a long time ago."

I'm still not getting it -- "You want your birth parents to be dead?"

"Nooooooo! I just don't KNOW if they are alive or dead! At least Annie KNOWS."

Ahhh. Now I get it. The not knowing has always been hard for Zoe. Zoe often shares that she worries about whether her birth parents are alive or dead. When I told her about the recent earthquake in China, I had to assure her it was no where near where we think her birth parents are -- while also telling her truthfully that I don't know for sure. And maybe there's a little more here, too, though Zoe didn't articulate it. At least there was a reason Annie's birth parents didn't try to find her, they were dead. Maybe Zoe would be more comfortable if there was a similarly good reason her birth parents haven't found her.


a Tonggu Momma said...

Oh, that is so hard. The Tongginator mentioned this during those severe snowstorms a couple of years ago. She felt so, so worried about it. Hugs to Zoe.

Campbell said...


Hope it's ok if I just say that although you could very well be right about what Zoe may not have articulated, it may also be partly that if they were dead and she knew it, she wouldn't have to worry about them/her.

I always worried from time to time about my biological mother. I knew I was safe and sound, but I didn't know if she was. I felt a great sense of relief (as an adult) exchanging non identifying letters with her that relieved my concern, that she was happy and well and had had a good life also.

Just a little piece of some adoptees' thought you wanted anymore lol