French? Chinese?

Zoe's class is having "Norman Conquest Day" tomorrow. One focus of the day is how some English words came from the French because of the Norman Conquest. Learning through the grapevine that Zoe's grandmother is French, Zoe's teacher contacted me to see if she would be willing to come to class to speak French. Mimi agreed, and Zoe is tickled pink.

Tonight she told me about a conversation at school, when Mrs. P. told the class that Zoe's grandmother is French and is coming to class. One little boy said, "Zoe's grandmother isn't French -- she's Chinese!" Zoe answered, "I'm Chinese -- my grandmother is French." Several other kids expressed disbelief, and Mrs. P. settled it by telling them simply that Zoe's grandmother is, too, French.

How curious! The kids all know me, and know I'm not Chinese. But they still thought Zoe's grandmother must be Chinese.

I asked Zoe what she thought about this -- she thought they were silly to think her grandmother was Chinese instead of French.

But thinking about our blog discussion of ancestry and adoption, I asked Zoe if she was French since her grandmother is French. Zoe's answer was quite definite: "No, I'm Chinese. But I know some French culture."

How do you say, "smart cookie," in French?!

The Great [Adoption] Back-To-School Kit

From Adoptive Families, 17 simple and effective ways to bring adoption into the classroom:

1 Write a letter to your child’s teacher [about adoption].
2 Read an adoption storybook to the class during story time.
3 Give an adoption presentation in first or second grade.
4 Educate other parents.
5 Suggest a community service project around National Adoption Day.
6 Parental involvement is often the key to a successful school year.
7 Introduce the topic of racial differences in people around the world.
8 Help teachers rethink sticky assignments.
9 Arm your child with answers to questions she may be asked in class or on the playground.
10 Celebrate your child’s adoption day at school.
11 Place adoption in the broader context of nontraditional families.
12 Teach the teachers.
13 [P]resenting adoption to 10-year-olds. . . .
14 Help the teacher blend adoption into the curriculum.
15 Give the teacher ready-made answers for common classroom adoption questions.
16 Donate a packet of educator materials to the school.
17 Celebrate the many cultures of the world.

Some great points, more details under each number, and links to even more in some of the 17 categories. I've done some of these, might do others, wouldn't do some on a bet (!). Still, great food for thought.

Even though school has already started for us, it's not too late to talk to teachers about ways to deal with adoption at school.

Update: Lessons Learned

Thanks, everyone, for the many helpful suggestions for dealing with the "Chinese eyes" incident and the school administration's mishandling thereof. I really appreciate the concern.

I met with the principal this afternoon; he had the counselor join us. It was a cordial meeting; I started by saying that I appreciated that the school was taking the matter seriously. That was a sincere opening salvo, not just a tactical one, because I do realize that at some schools they would consider racial teasing to be no big deal.

They were a little defensive at first, but were willing to concede that they could have done a better job of communication. The principal said he had learned of the problem, but not that the parents had anticipated that we'd meet with the teachers before anything else was done. When he heard about the racial teasing, he wanted to handle it immediately because he saw it as behavior that could not be tolerated and had to be addressed. He conceded that his reaction may be been influenced from his experiences as a child being teased for being American Indian.

He was the one who directed the counselor to talk to the girls to find out what happened and who the boys were. He spoke to the boys, but did not "punish" them, in his view (yeah, like being called to the principal's office is a reward, not a punishment!). He informed their parents because he felt it was something the parents needed to know so that they could work with their children to understand the need for tolerance. He conceded that communication with the girls' parents probably should have happened as well. But neither he nor the counselor thought that we should have been informed before the counselor talked to the girls.

He and the counselor were convinced that the boys knew the conduct was wrong, and would not concede that they needed any particular education on the subject before they could be held culpable. But they were open to trying to go further to teach racial tolerance. Pretty much anything we can get the teachers to agree to is fine -- reading books to the class, doing activities, etc. And, we're going to take it to the Positive Learning Environment Committee (a parent committee) to look at how to deal with it as a systemic issue. I know the chair of the committee and one of the members (hi, Lisa!) pretty well, so I kind of directed this outcome!

I'm not sure that they ever got how outrageous it was to go off half-cocked the way they did, without collecting all the data and without consulting with the parents. But I got what I wanted most out of the meeting -- assurance that the school did not consider the problem solved, and permission to take it further.

Zoe is feeling okay about it all. I asked her yesterday whether she still thought we needed to talk to the whole class about racial tolerance, and she said it depended. She'd gotten apologies from two of the boys, but not the third. If he didn't apologize, she thought we needed to talk to the class. But if he did, she would consider over.

Again, thanks for the support!

Lessons Learned

Remember the "Chinese eyes" incident from earlier this school year? I'd told Zoe we'd talk about whether we wanted to say something to her teacher, and needed to decide before parent-teacher conference (which was last Friday).

After our first conversation, I talked to the parents of two other Asian adoptees who are also in 3d grade at Zoe's school. Turns out both girls had also been teased with "Chinese eyes." When the mom asked one girl how it made her feel to be teased that way, she said, "Ashamed." Doesn't that just break your heart?

So we three moms emailed amongst ourselves to come up with a strategy, and we decided that each of us would talk to our own child's teacher at parent-teacher conference (interestingly enough, there are three 3d grade classes and each class had one of our girls). Zoe was consulted, and agreed whole-heartedly with the suggestion. Each mom went in with the same message, that we didn't want any particular child to be reprimanded about this (in fact, we each declined to give the names of the teasers when asked), that we didn't want our girls to be singled out in any kind of group reprimand. We wanted to get together with all the 3d grade teachers and maybe the school counselor to talk about some ways to turn it into a "teachable moment" for the 3d grade. We each expressed concern that our kids knew that bullying was bad, but didn't know what bullying was, and suggested that this lesson might be a way to expand on the bullying curriculum.

Good news! Each of the third grade teachers was very receptive to this approach!

Bad news! Somehow, unbeknownst to ANY of us parents, the approach changed.

Yesterday in the midst of our Maya-birthday-celebration, Zoe told me that she and the other two girls were pulled out of recess by the counselor. Zoe said she was scared because she thought she was in trouble (I'm sure all the other students watching this thought she was in trouble, too). The counselor asked them about the "Chinese eyes" teasing, and asked for the names of the teasers. Being good girls who obey adults, they told the counselor.

Could it get any worse? How about the teasers were then pulled out of class and sent to the principal's office?! EXACTLY what we said we didn't want to have happen HAPPENED.

AND, the only reason I know about this is because Zoe told me. No one from the school has contacted me to talk about it. No one warned me ahead of time. No one asked for permission to interrogate Zoe about it. I would have at least liked to be told about it after the fact so I could the teasers' parents that that's NOT the way I operate. If I had a problem with their child's behavior, I would talk to them directly! I saw this as a systemic issue requiring a systemic response, not about any individual bad actors.

And I think the school figures they've "solved" the problem. No systemic issue, no need to address it further. We punished the wrong-doers, case closed.

My first instinct is to go talk to the principal about all of this, to express my dissatisfaction with how the school handled it (won't that be a surprise to them! It isn't usually the so-called "victim's" parent who complains about the transgressors being punished!). I still want to press of a systemic approach that integrates racial teasing in the bullying curriculum.

But maybe I should drop it. Maybe the lesson I should take from this is that if I tell the school about a problem, the way they handle it is completely out of my control. It is possible that they COULD make this all worse -- though for the life of me I can't quite see how it could be any worse.

And the lesson Zoe has learned from this? I better not tell my mom about racial teasing, because once she tells the teacher I get hauled before the counselor, my friends get in trouble, and maybe they won't be my friend anymore and maybe the teasing will get worse?

I sure hope not. But I really feel I've breached a trust with Zoe, and will have to work hard to earn it back. And I really feel the school has breached a trust with me.

Maya, Kindergartner

My baby is BIG! We went to Kinder orientation this afternoon (she had to show up in uniform, which she LOVED!), and she officially starts school tomorrow. We went to 12:30 Mass before the orientation, Maya in uniform, and she walked so tall, and was on her best Kindergartner behavior -- no wiggling, no talking, no sitting on Mama's lap (apparently Kindergartners don't DO that!).

We're thrilled with the teacher she has (not the same one Zoe had, who asked at each parent-teacher conference if I worried about fetal alcohol syndrome (WTF?!), and opined that her single daughter's eggs were going to get too old before she had babies, and she'd just "have to" adopt). Ms. C. has a reputation as a great teacher, and she's African-American to boot. I think that's especially good for Maya, who doesn't like to be Chinese because it's "different." Ms. C. is the only African-American teacher in the building -- she can show Maya a thing or two about being "different!"

Adoption Goes to School ALREADY

I can't say that I'm surprised that Zoe is already drawing and writing about her birth family at school. Yesterday she only had a half-day, but today was a full day of school and the teacher gave them free time to draw.

Zoe sits at a cluster of desks with three other students, and when she drew her birth parents, the kids were all curious and asked, "So this is what your birth parents look like?!" (Like quasi-stick-figures would somehow capture that!). Zoe corrected them, "No, this is what I THINK my birth parents look like." That's why she wrote "THINK" in capitals and dark ink after she drew the picture. (And notice that her birth parents have glasses, as usual. She's convinced they have them since she does. And also notice that they are smiling -- she draws them with tears on their faces most of the time, since she thinks they are sad and missing her.)

On the back of the paper, she also made the "What I think/What I know" distinction, which I think is great. We are always talking about what we know and what we don't know, and what we think or what we guess; I'm glad to see that it's been making an impression. She's beginning to see what is fantasy and what is reality when it comes to her birth family. And she's come a long way from when she was so frustrated by what we didn't know that she couldn't get past that to do any imaginary thinking.

She's never before shared with me the I Think: "I think my birthparents had more children that went to orphanages. They look like me." We've talked about the fact that she MIGHT have siblings in China, that her birth parents might have had a child before they had her, that they might have felt they needed to have a boy child. But we've never talked about the possibility that other siblings might have ended up in the orphanage.

I wonder where that's coming from. It's true, of course. We've all heard of such cases of multiple girl children being abandoned, one at a time, as the family tries for the boy they think they need. I don't know if Zoe has figured that out on her own, or whether it's an idea that comforts her -- it has been disturbing for her to think her birth parents kept some children, but relinquished her. We'll be talking more about this in the days to come!

Zoe showed her teacher her drawing and writing, and she simply said, "Thank you for sharing that with me." No shock, no intrusive questions, no instructions not to think or to think in a different way about her birth parents. Good answer!

What additional information do I need to know about your child?

Well, tomorrow is back-to-school day for Zoe. Maya starts on Monday. They are very excited, especially Maya, who can't wait to start Kindergarten! It's all I can do to get the school uniform off her -- "don't I need to try it on again?!"

I just spent the evening filling out all the forms the school thinks are essential -- emergency contact, driver form, general information. Just how many times do we have to write the SAME INFORMATION?!

And the teachers for each of the girls asked for some information, and then asked on the form, "Is there any other information I need to know?"

What do you do at that point? Do you tell the teacher your child is adopted? That there's no daddy in your nontraditional family? I have that debate each year. I mean, I know it's going to come up at some point. My kids aren't exactly shy about it. Zoe will write about it. She'll share it with classmates. So isn't it a good idea to give the teacher a heads-up? Or do I just let it unfold?

I asked Zoe what she wanted me to say in answer to that question on the form; I told her I wanted to know her opinion, but I wouldn't necessarily do what she wanted, since it was my responsibility to fill out the form. She said she wanted me to tell her teacher.

I decided to share. I explained that we talked very openly about adoption in our family, and that was a great thing. And I told her to expect that Zoe's adoption would feature in some of her school writings, and that I was thrilled Zoe talked about it.

On Maya's form, I told her teacher simply that she was adopted, and that our family didn't have a daddy, but that for any father-specific projects, Maya was used to doing things for her grandfather.

So what do you do on school forms?

P.S. How funny! I just saw that Tonggu Mama blogged about the letter she sent the teacher about adoption. Great letter, go read it!

Talking to Someone Else's Kid About Adoption

Since the "Are they orphans?" episode, I've thought of other times I've used the "deflect and educate" strategy. I use it with adults a LOT, but also with kids other than my own (it doesn't seem to work as well with my kids -- and I'm not usually trying to deflect with them).

I think part of why I deflect with other kids is that I'm always a little leery about talking to someone else's kids about adoption. Sometimes other parents don't want their kids to hear my views about adoption -- or anything else, for that matter! (There's a little girl who won't be waiting for late parents to pick her up after ballet anymore, I'm sure, since her dad walked in on my addressing her statement that "Obama is BAD because he called a lady a pig." I was explaining the whole "lipstick on a pig" thing. I'm pretty sure they'll be timely from now on, for fear of what "the crazy Obama lady" will be telling their child! (I promise, I did not raise the issue with the child -- I was talking election stuff with another parent when she interjected her comment!). So I talk adoption or China or race with someone else's kid ONLY when that kid raises it. I never do it on my own, though sometimes I have to say something on the topic to Zoe or Maya within the hearing of other kids!

I've never had a parent say anything to me about what I've said to their children, though I have had parents call me about what Zoe has said! The time, for example, that Zoe took pictures of our trip to China to get Maya to Kindergarten -- we had talked about what she was going to say, marked ONLY the touristy pictures in the album, and then she told the whole class about Maya's foster parents, defining foster parents, and saying that they were not her birth parents, and defining birth parent for them! The teacher said the kids were mesmerized! I can't even imagine all the conversations at the dinner table that night, but I know of a few of them, because the parents called me. Sigh. And then the time on a play date when Zoe told her friend all about being left in a box and the one child policy and social preference for boys. I got a call from the mom that night -- she was OK with it, but her husband was pissed that his daughter got such a taste of the real world.

So where are the lines on talking to someone else's kids about adoption? Are there any?

On Being Different

I threw this question, "How does it feel to be Chinese," at Maya after she sang me some Chinese songs. I was sort of expecting a noncommital "OK," instead of "Different."

Maya's preschool class was pretty diverse -- 13 kids in the class, with one African-American, one Hispanic, one Lebanese, one Chinese. And Maya realized she was the only Chinese. And that made her different.

Transitions

Thursday was Zoe's last day of school, and Friday was Maya's preschool graduation. Maya and her friends looked adorable in their miniature caps and gowns, and as silly as it might be to "graduate" at this age, Maya was cute as a button!

So Zoe is now "officially" a third-grader and Maya a kindergartner. Happy times, yes? For Zoe, not so much.

When I picked Zoe up from school on Thursday, unlike all the other kids running happily from school celebrating the beginning of summer vacation, Zoe was crying. A few other kids were crying about missing their second-grade teacher, but Zoe was concerned about her first grade teacher. Mrs. P. is having a baby and is not coming back next year. Zoe was crying about never seeing her again, and about how she'll forget what Mrs. P. looks like. And then Friday, as Maya graduated from the same preschool Zoe attended, Zoe cried about two of her preschool teachers who are no longer with the school, and whom she hasn't seen since they left. "I don't even remember what Miss Rachel looks like," Zoe cried.

Normal drama-queen stuff? Could be, she's had a hard time with Maya graduating, because that makes Maya the center of attention instead of her! Usual reaction to change? I suppose.

But that's what adoption does, it makes you wonder if there's something else, another layer. Is this just about her teachers, or is there something more? Is she thinking about not remembering/knowing what her birth parents look like? Is this a reaction to abandonment? Is this triggering feelings of loss, traceable to loss of birth parents?

I don't know the answers, but adoption means I have to ask the questions.

More MD Fun

My kids are of the age that I've been Mother's Day-ed all week! Maya started hinting about her Mother's Day project at school LAST week -- "You can't come in the classroom, you'd see it!" A few days later, "It's a pot. But it's a surprise." A few days later, "It has polka dots." Then she decided to trick me, "I planted a tulip (my favorite flower, as she knows) in the pot. Not really!" Then Friday she can bring the polka-dot pot without a tulip home, and she immediately takes it out of the bag to give me -- we can't WAIT for Mother's Day, after all And no, it doesn't have a tulip. They grew grass!

Zoe gave me a Mother's Day card she made at school on Wednesday, even though I suggested she wait for Mother's Day. Nope, can't wait. Thursday she asks, "Is 9:30 OK for serving you breakfast on Mother's Day?" (Note to self, go to grocery store and buy something she can make me for Mother's Day breakfast!) Friday she proudly shows me a bag: "It has your present in it!" (I thought it was something made out of a Pringle's can, given it's shape, but I was wrong). I earnestly suggest she wait to give it to me on Mother's Day. "OK," she says, "where should I hide it until then?" Umm, I'm not really the person to ask?!

Well, the present from Zoe turned out to be this poster Zoe made, all rolled up (fooled me!). Can you read it? I'm BEST FOREVER MOM, and it's signed, "Your adopted child, Zoe!" Among my more common attributes, like "Beautiful every day" and "Rockin' at reading to me," I'm also "Excellent at helping me understand about adoption!"

The rest of MD was taken up with ballet recital, which was really fun but really busy. I'll take Mama bragging rights and post pictures soon.

Family Tree Projects

Article from the Boston Globe about the difficulty of family tree projects for adopted kids:

The family tree project, the bring-in-your-baby-pictures assignment, and the mini-autobiography project - all staples of the elementary school curriculum - are well-meaning attempts to get children to consider their family history and life story. But such projects can be emotionally loaded for adopted children and other children of nontraditional families.

* * *
To avoid the complications of a family tree, some adoption advocates who conduct workshops in schools suggest that teachers employ the concept of an orchard instead. During her visit to Pembroke, Clark suggested that teachers try the motif of a house. The child can write names in each room of the house, and then draw paths leading from the house to other people or places special to him or her.

Many teachers are already sensitized to the ramifications of family-tree projects. Rita Cheresnowsky, Ruby's adoptive mother, got a call several years ago from Ruby's second-grade teacher, who was about to assign a family-tree project. "She wanted my input," Cheresnowsky said. "She said, 'This may be something a little difficult and challenging for your child.'
"
Cheresnowsky suggested that the class be given three choices: a river, a garden, or the traditional tree.

Ruby drew a river with tributaries feeding into it. The tributaries included Cheresnowsky as well as Ruby's birth mother, the foster mother who cared for her in Guatemala, her child-care provider, her kindergarten teacher, and Cheresnowsky's parents and brothers.

"A tree is just based on your family and your ancestors and stuff," Ruby said. "But the river shows the people who came into my life. It's a better way of showing your family. You can put more in that river than you could in a tree."

I like Ruby's idea of a family river instead of a family tree! A GREAT children's book about an adoptee struggling with the family tree project at school is Lucy's Family Tree.

"Chinese Eyes" Gesture Comes Home

Maybe it was inevitable, but I had hoped not. Zoe came home from school today with a story of two boys making the infamous eye-pulling gesture. They were in the gym waiting for the 1-mile run, Zoe tells me, when the two boys did it in front of her. Boy 1 was laughing and said, "I'm Chinese," to Boy 2. Boy 2 then did it back, also laughing.

Zoe said to them, "Hey guys, do you know you're making fun of ME? You're hurting my feelings." Boy 2 said sorry, and stopped doing it. Boy 1 didn't say anything and kept doing the eye-pulling thing and laughing.

Zoe was pretty satisfied with how she handled it. She doesn't think the gesture was directed at her in particular, but she's sure they were making fun of Chinese people and maybe didn't realize how a Chinese person would feel about it. She was particularly worried about how it would have been for two of her friends, from China and Korea, if they had been there, too. She was glad that Boy 2 listened to her and stopped, and unhappy that Boy 1 didn't -- but isn't completely sure he heard her complain.

She needed to go through it all over and over this evening, but was more focused on why they would do it rather than on how it made her feel. "Why do people make fun of other people? Why won't people say they're sorry? Don't they know it hurts people's feelings? Did that ever happen to you? What did you do about it? Did you ever stand up for other people?"

Other than saying it hurt her feelings, Zoe wouldn't say much about how she felt about the incident. She needed lots of cuddling this evening before bed, though. (In fact, as I said in my "talking adoption tips," she told me about it in the car (!). I told her I wished I could give her a hug right then, and as soon as we pulled into a parking space, she ripped off her seatbelt and leapt at me for a hug.)

My side of the conversation was pretty basic during all of this. I agreed with Zoe that what the boys did was wrong. I encouraged her to talk about it. I told her I was sorry she was hurt. I asked her if she wanted me to say something to her teacher (she said no, and I'll honor it at this time). I thanked her for telling me and asked her to tell me if it happened again. She promised she would. I told her I was so proud of how she used her words to tell the boys how she felt. And what I didn't say -- "What about kids who hold up their fingers and do bunny ears in photos? Should rabbits start holding town meetings to cry racism??"

I am so glad we've been pro-active about the possibility of racial teasing and negative adoption comments and the like. (We've role-played these kinds of situations several times.) Zoe told me she was glad we'd read the book "Chinese Eyes," because she felt ready to handle it when the boys did to her what boys had done to the girl in the book. (That's not really the point of the book, it's more about why the boys said that to a Korean girl, and about celebrating differences, but the book gave us a chance to talk about the eye-pulling gesture.) And she wanted to read the book again tonight.

I really am proud of how Zoe handled it. And I'm thrilled that she feels empowered to stand up for herself (and for all Asian peoples, apparently!). I'm not claiming it to be the worst incident ever; I think Zoe also did a good job of understanding just what the conduct was about and how it related to her and how it didn't (she knew, for example, that it wasn't directed AT her). And I think her response was nicely calibrated to the seriousness of the offense.

A milestone of a sort passed . . . .

Chinese New Year, Second Grade Variety

On Friday I did my Chinese New Year schtick for the three second grade classes at Zoe's school. We were helped by another adoptive mom and daughter from China, which made it doubly fun for Zoe and for me.

We did all the things I described previously:

Our usual routine is to take the kids through some of the traditions of Chinese New Year, like cleaning house -- I give out a few feather dusters, and some kids "clean" the classroom. We talk about wearing new clothes, and I bring silk pajamas and qi paos in larger sizes, and kids take turns slipping them on over their regular clothes. We talk about the special foods for CNY, and then we bring chopsticks and teach the kids how to use them (popcorn isn't Chinese, but it's a great thing to practice picking up with the chopsticks!) These days, since I am sans dragon, we use our a loong stuffed snake-like dragon (bought at IKEA!), and the kids take turns parading around with it, while other kids make loud noises on drums, etc., to chase away evil spirits. We talk about the Chinese zodiac and figure out what year each child was born in (not too hard since you've got only a couple of years in any given class!). And of course we give out lucky red envelopes -- we give one to each child, with chocolate coins inside.

We also did one new thing this year; a friend told me about a website that gives Chinese names for English names. I made a bookmark for each child with the name in English and in Chinese characters. We talked about Chinese characters, and Zoe wrote some on the board. And connecting it to Chinese New Year, we talked about hanging the spring couplets (Chinese good luck-poems/characters on red paper), and then we handed out the bookmarks. They were a big hit!

In fact, the kids seemed to enjoy it all very much. Zoe and her friend loved being helpers and showing off their knowledge of all things Chinese. I wanted them to feel special for being Chinese, and I think we accomplished that!

More on "Chinese Eyes" and "Ching-Chong" Speech

Thanks, Mei-Ling, for the heads up about this great post by Paula at Heart, Mind and Seoul:

About a month ago, I was subbing for a multi-grade classroom of 2nd and 3rd
grade students. Now I understand that it is not at all uncommon for children of this age to still be especially attached to their teacher. It took all of a nanosecond for the kids to realize that clearly, I was NOT their teacher. Some had faces of disappointment. One boy - who later proved to be a little on the mischievous side - appeared to be amused and almost delighted upon seeing my face. And still others were just caught dead in their tracks. I can't say for certain why they seemed so shocked, but trust me - they were. I found out later from another teacher that this
particular school identifies itself as 97% white, as does the city in which the school is located. Upon learning that fact, I couldn't help but wonder if some of the kids had ever seen an Asian adult before - that may sound preposterous to some, but I honestly don't think it's totally out of the realm of possibility.

As I introduced myself and invited them to come in and start their daily morning writing exercise before our morning meeting, several kids were wandering aimlessly around the room. I went to gather a group of them when I looked over to see a few boys in a semi-circle. One boy had both of his pointer fingers positioned at the outer corner of each of his eyes, pulling the skin around his eyes as taut as could be. He
was doing this while nodding his head slowly and making mock "ching-chong" noises. Another boy was trying to attempt some kind of martial arts move. The other boys were just laughing.

It's amazing how a few actions from a group of 7 and 8 year-old boys can make one feel so vulnerable and small. I think for a few seconds my 37 year-old body reverted back to assuming the same exact physical sensations I used to experience when I was teased as a child. I was seriously surprised by the mini-pangs that shot briefly through my stomach.

Click here to read the wise way Paula, adult Korean adoptee and adoptive parent, handled it.

Paradox: Diverse School = Better Racial Identity Formation?

Apropos of Lisa's comment that diversity in Zoe's school was the reason there was little racialized teasing, I've always thought that was why, and that diversity was one of the reasons I chose that school. But here's the abstract for an interesting study on a similar issue -- Chinese adoptees' racial identity formation and school diversity -- that shows a quite paradoxical result:

This article examines the formation of ethnic attitudes among 266 school-age children who were born in China and adopted by Americans and, at the time of the
study, were attending 254 different elementary schools across the country. The authors hypothesised that a disposition to associate socially desirable traits with being Chinese would be fostered by a school environment that was itself racially and ethnically diverse. In order to test this hypothesis, they linked attitudinal data from a photo preference task with archival data quantifying the number and distribution of students of different 'races' and ethnicities in each child's school and other relevant data elements from a parents' questionnaire. The results do not support the assumption that diversity at school encourages children adopted from China to associate socially desirable traits with being Chinese. On the contrary, children attending schools with greater diversity were less likely to show a Chinese preference and more likely to show a white preference. Further analysis suggested that such paradoxical results may be explained by the privileged economic status of the adoptive children which gave them more in common with white than with other minority classmates.

This one surprised me, and yet the ultimate conclusion about socio-economic status made sense to me. What's your reaction?

Classroom Presentation for Chinese New Year?

How many of y'all make some kind of presentation about Chinese New Year in your child's classroom? I've been doing it since Zoe was 3 and in preschool. In fact, the picture above is the dragon the students made when Zoe was in the 3 to 5-year-old class. We were really lucky to have a great teacher who embraced the opportunity to teach the kids about another culture!

I keep expecting Zoe to say she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but so far she really wants me to -- she actually suggested it this year, and insisted I talk to her teacher about doing it. Maya is also looking forward to having me come to her class (same school as Zoe's preschool, but unfortunately the dragon disappeared when Zoe's teacher left for another school).

If you do something for your child's class, what do you do? I'm trying to come up with some new ideas for Zoe's class, since we did something for all the first grade classes last year, and most of them will be hearing about it for the second time this year.

Our usual routine is to take the kids through some of the traditions of Chinese New Year, like cleaning house -- I give out a few feather dusters, and some kids "clean" the classroom. We talk about wearing new clothes, and I bring silk pajamas and qi paos in larger sizes, and kids take turns slipping them on over their regular clothes. We talk about the special foods for CNY, and then we bring chopsticks and teach the kids how to use them (popcorn isn't Chinese, but it's a great thing to practice picking up with the chopsticks!) These days, since I am sans dragon, we use our a loong stuffed snake-like dragon (bought at IKEA!), and the kids take turns parading around with it, while other kids make loud noises on drums, etc., to chase away evil spirits. We talk about the Chinese zodiac and figure out what year each child was born in (not too hard since you've got only a couple of years in any given class!). And of course we give out lucky red envelopes -- we give one to each child, with chocolate coins inside.

So please share what you do -- I need new ideas!

Patron Saint of Adopted Children?!

Who knew? There is actually a patron saint of adopted children. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, since there are patron saints for just about everything --cab drivers, abdominal pain, cake makers, motorcyclists, pawnbrokers, etc.

Zoe told me about the patron saint of adopted children at dinner tonight. Her class has begun studying saints, and each student was to select a saint and do a short report about him or her. They read their reports today, and Zoe said one of her classmates read that his saint was the patron saint of adopted children. I asked Zoe what she thought when she heard the report, and she said, "I looked around the room to see if anyone knew I was adopted, and I looked at Mrs. M [her teacher] and she winked at me!" She wasn't at all disturbed by it; in fact, she seemed pretty happy about the whole thing.

She couldn't remember the name of the saint, so out of curiousity I looked online -- it's Saint William of Rochester. And why is he the patron saint of adopted children? Well, the first biography I found had only one reference of any kind to adoption: "He went on pilgrimage to Jerusalem with his adopted son David who murdered him near Rochester, England." Huh? Being murdered by your adopted child makes you the patron saint of adopted children?! A second biography expanded on it, saying that he found a child on the doorstep of the church when he went to Mass, and he adopted him and taught him his trade (baker). The bio goes on to say, "David wilfully misled his benefactor and, with robbery in view, felled him with a blow on the head and cut his throat." Another charming note, the son was known as "David the Foundling."

So what in this story makes William the patron saint of adopted children? William might have been "touched by adoption," as the cliche goes, but "killing blow by adoption" doesn't seem to have the same uplifting spirit! And "benefactor?!" Ah, yes, adoptive parent as generous savior. And the "rescued" child as quintessentially ungrateful.

Makes it pretty clear what his story is supposed to be -- an object lesson in gratitude. There's a real "don't bite the hand that feeds you" vibe here. I don't think we'll be emphasizing him in any way in our household. And I'm happy that the school report didn't share the whole of the story.

Parent-Teacher Conference

Today was Zoe's school's mandatory 15-minute Parent-Teacher conference -- as usual, 15 minutes wasn't near enough time to discuss ANYTHING! Zoe's teacher had nothing but positives to say about her (even the negatives were positive -- she works too quickly and is TOO helpful! Oh, do we know about those tendencies!), and I appreciated a chance to find out a little more of what's going on in the classroom. No surprise, Zoe's talking adoption there, too!

Even before going in the classroom, I had a chance to see some of the kids' work displayed in the halls. Zoe's autobiography included her birth in Guangxi "Profince," and the fact that she thinks of her birth parents every day (she told me when the class started working on the autobiographies that she wasn't going to say anything about adoption, because she didn't want everyone to see that hanging in the hall; it seems she changed her mind). Her self-portait was interesting, too -- she used dark brown marker for her skin. But then again, so did W.H., a little boy 100% Caucasian.

The other work up on the wall was based on a book the class had read about an English family emigrating to America "back in the day." The kids wrote pretending they were emigrating, with great descriptions of their voyage. Most of the kids followed the book, and came from England. Zoe's voyage began in China!

Zoe's teacher shared with me the few times Zoe talked about her adoption and her different family. At the very beginning of the year, when the teacher was trying to get to know the students, she asked them to share something she didn't know about them, and Zoe popped her hand up to share with the class, "I don't have a dad." I was surprised to hear that -- she has said before that she doesn't want her friends to know that. Zoe has also written prayers about her birth parents several times (this is Catholic school, so they write out prayers in Religion class.)

It was also funny to hear from another mom what HER daughter has heard/understood from Zoe about her adoption. M. tells her mom that I'm not Zoe's REAL mom, I'm her step-mom, and that Zoe's mom left her and Zoe is going to go back to China to find her. Mom had a time trying to explain that I'm not Zoe's step-mom!

I was happy to hear the teacher's opinion that Zoe seems really grounded when it came to her adoption, and that her current interest in her birth parents isn't interfering with her school work or her relationships at school. I've felt the same thing, but it's good to hear from an objective observer! Zoe's teacher was also very receptive to receiveing more information about dealing with adoption in the classroom, which pleases me. So I'll be putting together a packet for her -- probably more information than she ever imagined!

And I've used this post as an excuse to share Zoe's school picture from this year. She's getting so big! I always have to tell myself she photographs older than she is -- would you guess she's only 7?!

Helping adopted kids navigate school projects

This article discusses some solutions for school projects that might not be inclusive of nontraditional families and families formed through adoption. I don't think the article says much I haven't heard before, but it is kind of nice to have a refresher here at the beginning of the school year. And how nice to have a newspaper run such an article!

There's one bit of advice I'm not sure I agree with:

Another issue: the notion that all children are born from their mother's stomach. Stigger recommends that parents explain that children either came home from the hospital or by airplane from Korea, Kyrgyzstan, Guatemala and so on.

I don't think that cuts it. Coming home by airplane denies that the child had a life before coming home, and suggests that the kid is somehow abnormal, like he or she was hatched instead of born. I'd be more inclined to say simply that some kids are born into their families and some are adopted into their families after being born.

What do you think?