The story of a search for identity, about Nisha, adopted as an infant from India, now 26 years old and going back to India to search for her birth mother -- a must-read for adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents who think the "same-as" narrative works, that all one need do is raise an adoptive child the same as a child born to you.
For adoptive parents who think “culture-keeping/heritage-teaching” isn’t worth the trouble:
“It used to be, regardless of their original culture or their skin colour, this child is truly yours,” says Kate Emery, the senior India programme coordinator for adoption agency MAPS Worldwide. But now, Nisha’s generation, adopted in the 1980s and 1990s, feels this was a mistake. “They need to know their culture,” says Emery.
It’s a thought that never occurred to Nisha’s parents. “I didn’t know any Indian people,” her father says. “And I guess I probably wouldn’t have known how to approach them even if I did. Would I say, ‘You know, my daughter’s Indian. Would you mind if she hangs out with you?’”
Though she didn’t realize it as a child, it bothered Nisha when she grew up and realized she had never been exposed to her own culture. She resented her parents for never trying to teach her about where she came from. The resentment bore down on her and when it was time to pick a college four years ago, she moved miles away from her family in Sacramento to San Diego. When she finally told her parents how she felt two years ago, they were shocked, unaware of how much pain the adoption had caused her.
. . . for adoptive parents who think color-blind works, that race doesn’t matter to their child, that knowing other "brown girls" isn't important:
Nisha, now a petite 26-year-old with a quick smile, was adopted from Goa by an all-white family at the age of six months and raised in “the white part of America”, as her father Randy puts it. The couple never taught Nisha anything about her birth country or culture, though they did retain her name and abided by one request the birth mother had made: never to cut Nisha’s hair. She didn’t cut it until she went to college. Stephanie says she figured “everyone would love each other” and that would be enough for Nisha to adjust to her adopted life in the US.
It wasn’t, though. . . . When she started searching for her own identity, as all young adults do, she struggled more than most. In her adoptive family she saw no answers, no history, not even a common physical appearance. Was she Indian or American? What tied her family together? What did it mean that she looked so different from her mother and sister and father? The questions left Nisha full of doubts about who she is and where she fits into the world around her. And, in her search to find herself, she pushed away the family that has so much to do with who she is.
* * *
When Nisha was 11, her family moved to a new neighbourhood in Sacramento. On her first day at gym, another student, Reena Ray, spotted her from across the room. “I remember seeing this girl,” Ray says, “and she was the darkest, littlest thing in the room, but she was wearing this T-shirt with strawberries on it and matching socks. And then out of her mouth comes the biggest valley girl voice ever.”
Nisha, who still has that distinct Californian accent, says she was instantly attracted to Ray—another small, dark-skinned girl. . . . Ray’s elder sister, Sharmila, became close to Nisha as well. The girls formed a multicultural group of friends. And suddenly, Nisha’s family — her mother, father and sister — felt left out and different. Randa [Nisha’s sister, biological child of her adoptive parents] says Nisha created her own family. She kept waiting for Nisha to come back to their family, but Nisha never did.
. . . for adoptive parents who don’t want to talk about birth family, who believe their children don’t think about birth family:
But Nisha still feels alone; missing a mother she could only imagine all her life, from bits she picked up from her parents’ stories. One particular thing Nisha clings to, a reason she thinks her birth mother would want to be found, is a letter that arrived at the Grayson home on Nisha’s first birthday. “My darling Nisha baby, I will always love you,” it began.
“From time to time over the years, I would find the card around the house, and I would know Nisha had been looking at it,” says Stephanie, who speaks with the wrenching love of a mother who can no longer protect her child from pain. She also speaks with the pain of knowing that no matter how good the intention, she caused some of that hurt. She tells me that Nisha’s birth mother lived at the orphanage before the birth and stayed with Nisha for some time after she was born.
When I ask Nisha about this story over coffee a few days later, she starts crying. “I never knew that!” she says. “Just the thought that she stayed, that she did really care for me, that it was hard for her, means a lot. I know she wouldn’t have done it if she didn’t have to, which is why I don’t hate her for it. But to think that she stayed. . . .”
* * *
She has got her mother’s name tattooed across her hip. “I want it to be a homage,” she says. And, perhaps, in a way, it’s a recognition that even if she never does find her birth mother, she can still answer the question of who she is herself.
Click here to read the whole thing.
This is in no way an indictment of Nisha's parents, who didn't have the advantage we do now of having heard from adult international/transracial adoptees about how these missing things affected them. We have no excuses.
Nor am I suggesting that if we only "do the right things" our children won't feel loss, grief, pain, that our children won't distance themselves from us in their search for identity, that we have somehow "failed" if our children search for birth family. I'm only suggesting that as adoptive parents we can help or we can hinder when our children search for identity, deal with adoption loss, grief, and pain, look for connections to birth family and birth culture/heritage. It is their search, their journey. But we shouldn't be the road blocks.
Showing posts with label India. Show all posts
Showing posts with label India. Show all posts
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Disruption Screws Up Citizenship
Another sad story of a disrupted adoption: A child is adopted from India in 1987; the adoption disrupts. She is placed in foster care. NO ONE applies for U.S. citizenship for her. In 2001 & 2004, she is convicted of possession of cocaine. In 2008, she is deported to India.
Click here and here and here for more information.
Click here and here and here for more information.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
To the mom I met today
The mom with the 5-year-old adopted from India, who has not yet told her daughter she's adopted. It's been kind of easy to get away with this so far since your husband is Indian. But I think it's important that you tell her ASAP! I gave you the link to the blog in the hopes you'll stop by, but I wanted to give some quick guidance to you and others who've delayed talking about adoption -- I know you're not alone in this!
First of all, why tell? Openness and honesty are FUNDAMENTAL to healthy relationships, and that includes the relationship between parent and child. I'm sure you think your daughter is too young to understand, and you're right -- she won't understand completely at first. But I bet she's already overheard a conversation or two (we talked about it pretty openly, so I'm sure it's not a deep, dark secret, and I'm sure you've had to explain your relationship within her hearing more than once!) that makes her wonder and worry that there's some secret about her that no one is telling her. And if you wait too much longer, she's going to be hurt and angry at you for keeping it from her. She'll likely put a very negative connotation on it all, since things that are secret are usually thought of as things that are bad.
Second, how to tell? Take a look at these posts for some tips: Talking Adoption Tips and Ten Commandments of Telling. I hope they'll help to get you started. Opening up discussion with a story book is great, so here's an Adoption Book List for you. You might also want to read the book, Talking to Young Children About Adoption. And check out the links to the right, Resources for Adoption Talk. Quick tips -- be positive, be as casual as possible (don't make it a heavy family talk, I mean), and be prepared to give lots of reassurance.
Third, what to tell? Think about where your child is developmentally. Do you have a pregnant friend? Has she seen pregnant women and known there's a baby in there? I'd probably start with pregnancy at her age: "Remember Mrs. XXXX, who has a baby growing in her tummy? Giving birth to a baby is one way to add a child to a family. Adoption is another way. Do you know what adoption is? Adoption is when a child's birth family can't take care of her, so they make a plan for another family to take care of her and that other family becomes her family forever. Adoption is how you became a part of our family!" And then follow where it goes from there.
Best of luck! And I know it's always unbelievably cheeky when total strangers give parenting advice. Sorry about that. But this is really, really, really important for your daughter, who was a cute as can be, smart and engaging and outgoing, and deserves the best!
First of all, why tell? Openness and honesty are FUNDAMENTAL to healthy relationships, and that includes the relationship between parent and child. I'm sure you think your daughter is too young to understand, and you're right -- she won't understand completely at first. But I bet she's already overheard a conversation or two (we talked about it pretty openly, so I'm sure it's not a deep, dark secret, and I'm sure you've had to explain your relationship within her hearing more than once!) that makes her wonder and worry that there's some secret about her that no one is telling her. And if you wait too much longer, she's going to be hurt and angry at you for keeping it from her. She'll likely put a very negative connotation on it all, since things that are secret are usually thought of as things that are bad.
Second, how to tell? Take a look at these posts for some tips: Talking Adoption Tips and Ten Commandments of Telling. I hope they'll help to get you started. Opening up discussion with a story book is great, so here's an Adoption Book List for you. You might also want to read the book, Talking to Young Children About Adoption. And check out the links to the right, Resources for Adoption Talk. Quick tips -- be positive, be as casual as possible (don't make it a heavy family talk, I mean), and be prepared to give lots of reassurance.
Third, what to tell? Think about where your child is developmentally. Do you have a pregnant friend? Has she seen pregnant women and known there's a baby in there? I'd probably start with pregnancy at her age: "Remember Mrs. XXXX, who has a baby growing in her tummy? Giving birth to a baby is one way to add a child to a family. Adoption is another way. Do you know what adoption is? Adoption is when a child's birth family can't take care of her, so they make a plan for another family to take care of her and that other family becomes her family forever. Adoption is how you became a part of our family!" And then follow where it goes from there.
Best of luck! And I know it's always unbelievably cheeky when total strangers give parenting advice. Sorry about that. But this is really, really, really important for your daughter, who was a cute as can be, smart and engaging and outgoing, and deserves the best!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Miss Indiana an Adoptee from India
OK, I'm not at all into beauty pageants, but I found this interesting:
Miss Indiana, Courtni Hall, an international adoptee, is using her title to promote adoption awareness by being a spokesperson for Children's Hope International. Abandoned in Calcutta, India, at birth, weighing only 2 pounds 2 ounces, Hall was adopted at five months of age by an American couple and raised in Indiana.
Now 22 years old, Hall is the current Miss Indiana USA 2009 and the
former Miss Indiana Teen USA 2004. She was named Miss Photogenic in the Miss Indiana USA 2009 competition and went on to compete at the annual Miss USA Pageant in April. Hall hopes to earn her Master's degree in Communications and eventually work as a television personality in the entertainment industry.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Supply and Demand
The U.S. and Mexico have had a longstanding wrangle over who's to blame for drug smuggling and all its attendant evil of violence and crime and death. The U.S. takes the position that the problem is Mexico's -- if Mexico did not supply the drugs, there would be no demand. Mexico takes the position that the problem is the U.S.'s -- if the U.S. did not demand the drugs, there would be no supply.
While supply and demand are crass terms to apply to international adoption, the parallels are clear. Some argue that people from the West adopt so many children from abroad because there is a constant supply -- so many orphans abroad, created by poverty, war, famine, disease, and/or policies or cultural practices of the sending countries. Others argue that the demand from the West creates orphans, that it's the monetary incentive to adoption agencies and orphanages that creates orphans where orphans used to be simply poor children living with their families.
Take India, for example. Adoption facilitators would approach poor families and offer the families what would be a fortune to them, and a drop in the bucket to us, to relinquish the child. Isn't that the creation of an orphan?
What about Guatemala, where there have been some reports of women getting pregnant so that they can relinquish the child and earn the fee for international adoption, while the prevalence of baby-stealing is so great the U.S. requires DNA testing to match relinquishing mothers and children. Isn't this a system that creates orphans?
What about in China, where an entire village of women in Yunnan got pregnant in order to earn the fee for giving the child to an orphanage that would then get $3000-$5000 "orphange donation" for the child? And what about the children sold by traffickers and purchased by orphanages in China?Isn't that the creation of an orphan?
[I don't want to impose a moral judgment on women and families who make the decision to relinquish for a fee. In the midst of abject poverty, it may be seen as the only way for the family and other children to survive. Certainly, people have choices in life, and it's a choice even when it is a difficult one. But it's hard to find a "forced choice" to be free choice. The real problem is the traffickers offering this money, knowing its coercive force.]
I know that the incidents I've linked to above are not the whole picture, but there is little doubt that they are part of the picture. Babies with families are being turned into orphans so that they can be adopted by foreigners who will pay a great deal of money for that adoption. We don't know the scope of the problem, because purchased and stolen babies have the same paperwork as true orphans.
So what do we do about it? Do we end the demand to control the supply -- bar international adoption? Do we work harder at global aid for struggling families to end the supply?
The biggest response to both possibilites is -- what do we do in the meantime? Assuming that cutting the demand would end -- or seriously reduce -- the supply, how long will it take to do so? And even if we had the public will to increase international aid, how long will it take to trickle down to vulnerable families? And what do we do with all of those orphans in the meantime?
Ideas? Suggestions? Comments? Please share.
While supply and demand are crass terms to apply to international adoption, the parallels are clear. Some argue that people from the West adopt so many children from abroad because there is a constant supply -- so many orphans abroad, created by poverty, war, famine, disease, and/or policies or cultural practices of the sending countries. Others argue that the demand from the West creates orphans, that it's the monetary incentive to adoption agencies and orphanages that creates orphans where orphans used to be simply poor children living with their families.
Take India, for example. Adoption facilitators would approach poor families and offer the families what would be a fortune to them, and a drop in the bucket to us, to relinquish the child. Isn't that the creation of an orphan?
What about Guatemala, where there have been some reports of women getting pregnant so that they can relinquish the child and earn the fee for international adoption, while the prevalence of baby-stealing is so great the U.S. requires DNA testing to match relinquishing mothers and children. Isn't this a system that creates orphans?
What about in China, where an entire village of women in Yunnan got pregnant in order to earn the fee for giving the child to an orphanage that would then get $3000-$5000 "orphange donation" for the child? And what about the children sold by traffickers and purchased by orphanages in China?Isn't that the creation of an orphan?
[I don't want to impose a moral judgment on women and families who make the decision to relinquish for a fee. In the midst of abject poverty, it may be seen as the only way for the family and other children to survive. Certainly, people have choices in life, and it's a choice even when it is a difficult one. But it's hard to find a "forced choice" to be free choice. The real problem is the traffickers offering this money, knowing its coercive force.]
I know that the incidents I've linked to above are not the whole picture, but there is little doubt that they are part of the picture. Babies with families are being turned into orphans so that they can be adopted by foreigners who will pay a great deal of money for that adoption. We don't know the scope of the problem, because purchased and stolen babies have the same paperwork as true orphans.
So what do we do about it? Do we end the demand to control the supply -- bar international adoption? Do we work harder at global aid for struggling families to end the supply?
The biggest response to both possibilites is -- what do we do in the meantime? Assuming that cutting the demand would end -- or seriously reduce -- the supply, how long will it take to do so? And even if we had the public will to increase international aid, how long will it take to trickle down to vulnerable families? And what do we do with all of those orphans in the meantime?
Ideas? Suggestions? Comments? Please share.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
A German Adoptee Searches for Birth Family in India
From the Times of India:
NEW DELHI: Arun Dohle is a German whose roots lie in India. He is fighting for child rights by highlighting how adoption norms, and the sheer absence of them in many spheres, are leading to trafficking of babies, particularly with growing inter-country adoptions. Through this, the young activist in Dohle is in search of his own family. He is among the many activists and NGOs who came together from across the country at the two-day National Consultation on `Countering Challenges in Adoption: Combating Child Trafficking', which began on Saturday in Delhi. As tales of trafficking and lack of adequate checks unfolded, Dohle's own story revealed how the child in every adoptee yearns to know about his family history.Interesting idea for a lawsuit, claiming a right to identifying information about birth parents. These lawsuits are distressingly unsuccessful in American courts. Most American courts require a showing of "good cause," like the need for a transplant. I wonder what would happen if one claimed an informational right founded on international law. . . . U.S. courts are not usually enamoured of the idea, I'm afraid. Click here for more from this article.
Dohle was legally adopted by an affluent German couple from an institution in Pune. When he learnt about his adoption, the quest to know his biological parents followed him. After completing his schooling, Dohle came down to Pune with the few details his parents could provide about the institution they had adopted him from. However, he was left shocked when the institution refused to share any details.
Dohle says he loves his parents who adopted him, but still is eager to find his biological parents to know why they had to abandon him. While he claimed to have traced his biological father, he was unable to locate his mother. Dohle then approached the Supreme Court of India raising the question that a child had the right to know where he came from and that no institution or agency can deny this. He demanded all institutions should have the records to reveal the trail. The last hearing of the case was in 2006 and it is still pending with the court.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
More About Guilt
I've been enjoying the discussion in the comments on my last post about "Adoption Guilt" -- let's see what this one spurs!
When I decided to adopt, I really wanted to avoid feeling like a rich, white American woman oppressing dark-skinned women of the Third World. I can't even have a maid here in the States because it makes me feel exploitative!
And I didn't want to feel like I was CREATING orphans -- some argue that international adoption actually creates orphans, since demand always creates supply. So I smugly chose China. After all, China's supply of orphans wasn't about my desire to adopt (I was only taking advantage of the government's oppression, not oppressing anyone myself, if I had really thought about it).
China wasn't like Guatemala, where baby stealing for purposes of adoption was such a problem that the government required DNA testing to link the child with the woman claiming to be the relinquishing birth mother. And there were tons of stories about poor Guatemalan women getting pregnant in order to relinquish a child for money payments. And it wasn't like India, where there were scandals about baby buying, where adoption "facilitators" were offering desperately poor India women a pittance for their babies and then making thousands of dollars by placing the child for international adoption. [I'm not knocking anyone who adopted from other countries, just setting out my guilt-avoiding thought processes.]
But China was free from corruption, I thought. And then came the Hunan scandal, and a report of women in Yunnan Province having babies in order to sell them. And the idea that China is somehow different from other sending countries doesn't seem able to stand up to scrutiny.
So maybe guilt is unavoidable?! Now, these guilt-inducing thoughts are not something I ponder every day. It doesn't interfere with my joy in my children. But it's one of the reasons I spend so much time focusing on issues in international adoption.
When I decided to adopt, I really wanted to avoid feeling like a rich, white American woman oppressing dark-skinned women of the Third World. I can't even have a maid here in the States because it makes me feel exploitative!
And I didn't want to feel like I was CREATING orphans -- some argue that international adoption actually creates orphans, since demand always creates supply. So I smugly chose China. After all, China's supply of orphans wasn't about my desire to adopt (I was only taking advantage of the government's oppression, not oppressing anyone myself, if I had really thought about it).
China wasn't like Guatemala, where baby stealing for purposes of adoption was such a problem that the government required DNA testing to link the child with the woman claiming to be the relinquishing birth mother. And there were tons of stories about poor Guatemalan women getting pregnant in order to relinquish a child for money payments. And it wasn't like India, where there were scandals about baby buying, where adoption "facilitators" were offering desperately poor India women a pittance for their babies and then making thousands of dollars by placing the child for international adoption. [I'm not knocking anyone who adopted from other countries, just setting out my guilt-avoiding thought processes.]
But China was free from corruption, I thought. And then came the Hunan scandal, and a report of women in Yunnan Province having babies in order to sell them. And the idea that China is somehow different from other sending countries doesn't seem able to stand up to scrutiny.
So maybe guilt is unavoidable?! Now, these guilt-inducing thoughts are not something I ponder every day. It doesn't interfere with my joy in my children. But it's one of the reasons I spend so much time focusing on issues in international adoption.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Fungible
Fungible: being of such a nature that one part or quantity may be replaced by another equal part or quantity in the satisfaction of an obligation; interchangeable.
I’ve been away from the computer for 24 hours – always a challenge for my particular addictions, emaileosis and bloggeritis. We went to visit friends who live in a small town outside of Fort Worth. K., the son of my college roommate, was playing the prince in a community theatre production of The King and I (great examples of colonialism -- I loved it when Anna suggests dressing up the king's wives in western garb for the visiting English, and then agrees with the king's suggestion to paint their faces paler so they'll look more English).
K was really terrific, and we loved our visit there. The girls just love K, and his brother C. The poor boys were completely worn out from the girls’ antics! In fact, C declared he wouldn't last two days if the girls were there permanently! Are all girls this age fascinated by teenage boys? Zoe and Maya are just insatiable with all their teen cousins (K & C count as cousins, too!).
But, of course, the big danger of knowing me is that EVERYTHING is blog-fodder! This visit is no exception!
It was funny when we walked up to buy tickets to the show, and I saw Chinese characters -- longevity, good fortune – decorating the table. For a minute, I couldn’t figure out why they were there – maybe left over from the Autumn Moon Festival? And then it hit me: oh, yeah, Siam! The play is set in Siam (Thailand), so there are Chinese decorations, what could be more obvious!? My friend, who has lived in Taiwan and Singapore, warned me before the play started that the costumes were a weird mix of China and India. Sure enough, the saris outnumbered the qi paos, but NOTHING looked Thai.
It’s not like there was anything unique here, lots of people figure all Asian culture is fungible. I'm sure you've seen it, too -- kimonos called Chinese, for example. Other than the real basics, I’m not sure how good I am at differentiating among Asian cultures. But at least I recognize that the cultures ARE different!
Remember when the on-line “faces” quiz came out, challenging people to differentiate between Chinese, Japanese, and Korean faces? Well, they’ve expanded it to include food, architecture, art, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera (the girls won’t stop with the etceteras, since the King said it over, and over again!). Check it out! I’m pretty good at faces and food (their "pretty good" category allows for LOTS of mistakes!), and lousy at everything else.
I’ve been away from the computer for 24 hours – always a challenge for my particular addictions, emaileosis and bloggeritis. We went to visit friends who live in a small town outside of Fort Worth. K., the son of my college roommate, was playing the prince in a community theatre production of The King and I (great examples of colonialism -- I loved it when Anna suggests dressing up the king's wives in western garb for the visiting English, and then agrees with the king's suggestion to paint their faces paler so they'll look more English).
K was really terrific, and we loved our visit there. The girls just love K, and his brother C. The poor boys were completely worn out from the girls’ antics! In fact, C declared he wouldn't last two days if the girls were there permanently! Are all girls this age fascinated by teenage boys? Zoe and Maya are just insatiable with all their teen cousins (K & C count as cousins, too!).
But, of course, the big danger of knowing me is that EVERYTHING is blog-fodder! This visit is no exception!
It was funny when we walked up to buy tickets to the show, and I saw Chinese characters -- longevity, good fortune – decorating the table. For a minute, I couldn’t figure out why they were there – maybe left over from the Autumn Moon Festival? And then it hit me: oh, yeah, Siam! The play is set in Siam (Thailand), so there are Chinese decorations, what could be more obvious!? My friend, who has lived in Taiwan and Singapore, warned me before the play started that the costumes were a weird mix of China and India. Sure enough, the saris outnumbered the qi paos, but NOTHING looked Thai.
It’s not like there was anything unique here, lots of people figure all Asian culture is fungible. I'm sure you've seen it, too -- kimonos called Chinese, for example. Other than the real basics, I’m not sure how good I am at differentiating among Asian cultures. But at least I recognize that the cultures ARE different!
Remember when the on-line “faces” quiz came out, challenging people to differentiate between Chinese, Japanese, and Korean faces? Well, they’ve expanded it to include food, architecture, art, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera (the girls won’t stop with the etceteras, since the King said it over, and over again!). Check it out! I’m pretty good at faces and food (their "pretty good" category allows for LOTS of mistakes!), and lousy at everything else.
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