RainBabies

Tonight the girls and I watched a Scholastic DVD that included the story "Rainbabies." I like the Scholastic DVDs because they follow the books so exactly, and have DVDs of many of our favorites. "Rainbabies" was new to us, though. The Publisher's Weekly blurb describes the book like this: "a childless couple finds a dozen tiny rainbabies in the grass after a moonshower, takes them home and tenderly cares for them until the babies' real mother arrives to claim her offspring and reward the devoted husband and wife." But I didn't know any of this when we watched it . . . .

Sure enough, the childless couple takes care of the babies, protecting them from all dangers. A youth comes and offers them a valuable jewel if they will give him the babies for a wealthy childless noblewoman, but they refuse. The youth suddenly transforms into Mother Moonshower, who tells the couple she's come for the babies. She says they can't grow and thrive with the couple. She's brought them a human baby to care for instead. They happily allow her to take the rainbabies, mesmerized by their beautiful new baby.

After the story ended, Zoe said in a quizzical voice, "That's was kind of an adoption story. . . ."
I asked her how it was like adoption, and she said the Moonshower lady was like the birth mother. I agreed, and asked what she thought of her coming back for the babies. She shrugged and ducked her head, seemingly uncomfortable with the storyline.

I said, "I bet you know what I would do in that situation," and Maya piped up from the bathroom (!), "You're our mom forever! You wouldn't give us away!" Zoe jumped in immediately, "That's right!" I said that was exactly right, and that I would never give them away. When I became their mom, I said, I promised to love them and take care of them forever, and forever means forever. We talked more about the fact that adoption is permanent, amongst hugs and cuddles, because that was what Zoe and Maya needed to hear about. The storyline obviously touched on the fear of abandonment that many adoptees feel.

[We didn't talk about the part where Mother Moonshower says that the babies can't grow and thrive in the care of the adoptive parents. That could be a really deep and interesting discussion about what it takes for kids to grow and thrive, how removing a child from its home country/culture can make things difficult, etc., but that would work with kids older than mine, I think.]

I finally asked Zoe directly, "What would you want me to do if your birth parents found us?" Zoe said she wouldn't want to go with them, and climbed in my lap for another hug. I wasn't terribly surprised -- despite her interest in knowing about her birth parents, they're much more accessible as imaginary figures than as real people. Soon, though, she found her equalibrium and said more bravely, "I'd want to go with them for about a year, and then come back and stay with you forever." I asked her what she'd do for that year, and she said, "Get to know them and explore China!" I said I thought that was a good plan, that it was completely normal for her to want to know her birth parents, and wanting that didn't make our family any less permanent.

I never mind when books or movies raise adoption issues for us to discuss -- much better to discuss them than bury them. But I much prefer to be prepared ahead of time, and this one came out of left field! Though it was a good discussion, I'm not sure I'd recommend this book or video for young adopted kids. It sets up an impossible dichotomy -- either an adversarial relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents who want the same child, or an easy abandonment of the child by the adoptive parents who are offered something better, a different child.

White Privilege & Children's Books

Follow this link from Harlow's Monkey to a great piece on white privilege and children's book by Laura Atkins. Atkins has been a book editor, and explains how books by non-white authors or featuring non-white characters are changed in the editing process to reflect majority culture.

Part of selection and editing of books in certain ways reflects the typical editor's place in majority culture. This self-confessional part explains it well: "I became aware, over time, of how my reaction to manuscripts was based within my background – class, race, education, and gender. I had certain expectations of the types of stories that were appropriate for children, ways of constructing a narrative, and content that was child-friendly. It was only in the context of working with authors from different backgrounds that these expectations were challenged."

The changes are also motivated, she says, by "market forces" (read: money) -- the desire to reach a wider audience, and appeal to institutional buyers like educators and librarians who tend to be white. She discusses in detail how a book she edited was watered-down (or perhaps more accurate to say white-washed) to meet that institutional audience.

Perhaps most shocking to me was the discussion of a publisher who placed the photo of a white girl on the cover of a children's book featuring a black girl. Atkins notes the lack of outrage over this incident in mainstream media.

Go read the whole thing -- it's not that long.

Addendum: Also thanks to Harlow's Monkey, this link to Sara Park's reaction to Atkins' piece, applying it to her interest in Asian-American characters in children's books and Asian-American adoption in children's books.

C.A.S.E. Books on Sale

Here's a good sale for you: two books from C.A.S.E. -- Center for Adoption Support and Education.

I have both books, and recommend them highly.

Two Hot Reads... Three Cool Prices!
Beneath the Mask
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W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook

You'd be amazed by the questions adopted children are asked about being adopted. "Where is your real mother?" "How come you don't look like your brother?" Empower your child to manage their complex feelings while responding to the questions, comments and curiosities of others.

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Know someone else who would like this offer? Pass it on!
But Hurry! This amazing offer expires on Aug. 31, 2009

The email said to "pass it on" to anyone else who would like this offer, so I am!

New Children's Book on Adoption

Publisher's Weekly offers a review of a new children's book on adoption:

Star of the Week: A Story of Love, Adoption, and Brownies with Sprinkles
Darlene Friedman, illus. by Roger Roth. HarperCollins, $17.99 (32p) ISBN 978-0-06-114136-2

Cassidy Li is going to be Star of the Week in her kindergarten class, and that means she gets to bring a snack (the titular brownies) and chronicle her life story on a poster. But as she reviews snapshots depicting favorite activities, pets, friends and family, she also realizes that, as a baby adopted in China, “something is missing. I don't have any photos of my birthparents.” Her solution: adding a hand-drawn portrait of them to the photographic collage. Debuting author Friedman, who is also the wife of Roth (The American Story) and the parent of a Chinese daughter, doesn't try to smooth over the bittersweet elements of Cassidy Li's story, although she often veers into giving her heroine the voice and viewpoint of an empathic adult rather than that of a six-year-old (“Dad says our family loves my birthparents very much
even though we'll never know them”). Roth's affectionate domestic vignettes bolster the story's authenticity considerably, and his vivid portrayal of the confident, thoughtful Cassidy Li speaks volumes about the unconditional love in her life. Ages 5–9. (June)

Sounds like a winner! I'm a sucker for any children's book that deals even vaguely with birth parents. . . .

Adoption Book List

OK, here's my ultimate adoption book list! I've mentioned that I'm pretty OCD about adoption books for kids, right? Well, we actually own all of these books, which is completely ridiculous.

I thought it might be helpful to try to categorize them. I tried to come up with all the possible adoption topics, and then arranged the books accordingly. A lot of these topics are only mentioned, and if mentioned, I've included it. I've put a star if I think a book has done a particularly good job. Also, I've only put a hot-link the first time I mentioned the book, so if you see one under a heading that interests you, look up the list and you'll find a link to it.

Have fun! Tell us about your favorites, and let me know if you've got something that belongs on the list!

Children's Books About Adoption

Birth
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
How I Was Adopted
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey
Twice-Upon-a-Time: Born and Adopted *

Birth Parents

General
The Best Single Mom in the World
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near *
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
My Family is Forever
When You Were Born in China
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
You’re Not My REAL Mother!
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?
I Wished For You Motherbridge of Love
At Home in This World
Every Year on Your Birthday

Twice Upon-a-Time

Grief
The Mulberry Bird *
Before I Met You
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Loss
The Mulberry Bird
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?

Love
The Best Single Mom in the World
The Mulberry Bird
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
When You Were Born in China
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
Adoption Is For Always
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You *
Did My First Mother Love Me?
Motherbridge of Love

Birth Siblings
Kids Like Me in China
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *
At Home in this World *

Placement Reasons

General
The Best Single Mom in the World
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
Did My First Mother Love Me?
At Home in this World

Too Young
The Mulberry Bird *
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Adoption Is For Always

Twice Upon-a-Time
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Single Parenthood
The Mulberry Bird *

Twice Upon-a-Time

When You Were Born in China
Adoption Is For Always
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Homelessness
The Mulberry Bird

Poverty
When You Were Born in China

Child’s Illness/Disability
Kids Like Me in China
When You Were Born in China

Death/Illness/Disability of Parent
Before I Met You
At Home in this World
Horace

One Child Policy
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Kids Like Me in China *
Before I Met You
When You Were Born in China *
At Home in this World *

Social Preference for Boys
Kids Like Me in China *
Before I Met You
When You Were Born in China
At Home in this World

Abandonment (Method of Placement)
Kids Like Me in China
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey *
Before I Met You *

We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

Post-Placement Care

Orphanage
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
Our Baby From China
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You *
White Swan Express
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

A Quilt of Wishes
Every Year on Your Birthday

Foster Family
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Before I Met You
The Whole Me *

Twice Upon-a-Time
Emma’s Yucky Brother
At Home in this World

Adoptive Parents

Reasons for Adoption

General
The Best Single Mom in the World *
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
A Blessing From Above
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Our Baby From China
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Horace
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

Infertility
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born *

Screening/Application

General
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Agency
The Best Single Mom in the World *
All About Adoption
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always

Social Worker
The Mulberry Bird
All About Adoption *
The Whole Me
Emma’s Yucky Brother
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Waiting/Preparing
Happy Adoption Day
The Mulberry Bird
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
I Wished For You
A Quilt of Wishes *
Twice Upon-a-Time

Referral/The Call
Happy Adoption Day
The Best Single Mom in the World
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies
Our Baby From China
All About Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born *
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
How I Was Adopted
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
I Wished For You
Over the Moon *

Travel
Happy Adoption Day
The Best Single Mom in the World
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Our Baby From China
Over the Moon
White Swan Express *
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

First Meeting
The Best Single Mom in the World
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Our Baby From China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
White Swan Express
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
I Wished For You
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey (meeting dad)

Returning Home
Happy Adoption Day
Three Names of Me
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Our Baby From China
Over the Moon
White Swan Express
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
How I Was Adopted
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey *

Meaning of Adoption/Permanence
Mommy Far, Mommy Near *
All About Adoption
Adoption Is For Always *
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Adopted Child

Adoptee’s Feelings

Desire/Need for family
A Mother For Choco
Little Miss Spider
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Happiness
The Best Single Mom in the World
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me *
We See the Moon
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Sadness
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Before I Met You *
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
The Whole Me
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Confusion/Nervousness/Fear
The Mulberry Bird
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You *
The Whole Me
Adoption Is For Always
Emma’s Yucky Brother *
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

Loss
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
We See the Moon *
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You

Anger

Lucy's Feet
The Mulberry Bird
All About Adoption
Before I Met You
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *

Questions/Curiosity about Birth Family
The Mulberry Bird
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey
At Home in this World *
Three Names of Me *
We See the Moon *
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
My Family is Forever
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Search for Birth Family
OwlCat
The Great Call of China (young adult book)

Non-Traditional Families/Adoption

Trans-Racial

Lucy's Family Tree *
A Mother For Choco *
Little Miss Spider
Horace
OwlCat
A Blessing From Above
Chinese Eyes
I Don’t Have Your Eyes
You’re Not My REAL Mother!
Happy Adoption Day
Three Names of Me *
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption

An American Face *
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

At Home in this World
Every Year on Your Birthday

Single

The Little Green Goose (single dad)
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
White Swan Express
The Best Single Mom in the Whole World *
A Blessing From Above
White Swan Express
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

Gay/Lesbian
White Swan Express

Non-Infant Adoption
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
All About Adoption
The Whole Me
Emma’s Yucky Brother *

Siblings, Adopted and Bio

Waiting for May *
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
A New Barker in the House
Emma’s Yucky Brother
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
My Mei Mei *

Ten Commandments of Telling

I promised to expand on some of the lists I posted from the AAC Conference. This one is from Betsie Keefer's presentation about telling even hard truths to adopted children. It's based on her book, Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past.

The book is really good, covering why to tell as well as how to tell. And there's lots more than the Ten Commandments, but that's what the presentation focused on, so I will, too. We've covered many of these before (see here, for instance), but always good to get reinforcement.

I. Do not lie.

This is a no-brainer, right? It's your child's story, and they are entitled to have it told straight. Omissions are OK if developmentally necessary (but see IV), but no lies. Kids have a way of finding out the truth, and then we've broken trust. Betsie said that adopted kids tend to snoop more than non-adopted kids (curiosity about their background), so it's not at all unusual for them to ferret out the truth before they are told.

II. Tell information in an age-appropriate way.

Of course, but HOW?! Betsie gave some examples of telling a child a very hard truth at different ages, building to the whole truth-- that the birth mom was drug-addicted and a prostitute, and the child was removed from her care because she left her alone and neglected her.

Age 3: Your first mommy couldn't take care of you. She wasn't ready to be a mommy.

Age 7: Your birth mommy had trouble taking care of herself. She wasn't able to take care of you. Neighbors were worried about you and called the social worker.

Age10: Your birth mom made a bad decision and started using drugs. She couldn't think well when she was using drugs and made even more bad decisions. Sometimes she left you alone. That wasn't safe for you.

Age 12: Your birth mom felt sick when she couldn't get drugs. She could not hold a job. She needed money, so she sold herself through prostitution. She left you alone when she met customers or bought drugs. Neighbors called the social worker, and a judge agreed you needed a safe home to grow up in.

III. Allow the child to be angry without joining in.

You know how you can diss your brother, but no one else can? Same goes when your child is angry with birth parents. Acknowledge the hurt and anger without bad-mouthing the birth parents.

IV. Share all information by the time the child is 12.

It's important to give the child all the information before the teenage years. That's the key period for identity formation, and they need all available information before that point. And, by the teenage years, kids don't believe a word their parents say! So you better get the information out while they are still listening.

V. Remember the child knows more than you think.

See snooping, above! Not to mention, if anyone in the family knows it, chances are your child has overheard parts of the story and are filling in the blanks on her own. Or someone else -- older siblings, school friends who heard something from their parents -- is telling your child. And they are likely not doing it in a kind and understanding way. Even if they are, the game of "rumour" should remind you how skewed the story will be by the time your child hears it.

Also, your child is probably developmentally ready to hear parts of the story before you think they are. Although parents are experts in their child, their reluctance to share hard truths and desire to protect the child might lead to underestimating their ability to understand.

VI. If information is negative, use a third party professional.

Choose wisely, interview beforehand, and discuss parameters of telling. AND you must stay when the therapist tells, so that you can offer your child's emotional support, so you know the details shared to clarify later anything your child missed or misunderstood, so you can demostrate to your child than even though you know "the worst" about them, you still love them and are there for them.

VII. Use positive adoption language.

It's important to model positive attitudes about adoption, and that starts with language. Your child relies on you to teach them that language, too.

VIII. Don't impose value judgments.

Even horrific information needs to be conveyed in a neutral manner. Conveying negative judgments of birth family or their actions will be seen as a rejection by adopted children -- if you don't like my birth parents, you don't like me.

And what we see as terribly negative information may not be that for the child. Betsie's example was when she was called in by a family to share the fact that their son was conceived as a result of rape. Everyone was surprised that the boy was actually happy to hear it -- he had internalized ideas of his birth mother as promiscuous, and was glad to know it wasn't so.

IX. Initiate conversation about adoption.

Waiting until kids ask questions isn't adequate. Look for opportunities to raise the issue of adoption:

1. Watch movies/programs with adoption themes with your child and draw parallels and contrasts to your child's story; use as a springboard to further discussion;

2. Use key times of the year (birthday, Mother's Day, gotcha day, adoption day) to let your child know that you are thinking about their birth family;

3. Comment on your child's positive characteristics and wonder aloud whether they got that characteristic from birth family members;

4. Include the birth family when congratulating your child for accomplishments -- "I'm sure they would be as proud as we are."

X. The child should be in control of his story outside the family.

Intimate details should only be shared at your child's discretion. Make sure, though, that your child realizes the difference between "private" and "secret." Secrets connote shame, and you don't want your child to think negative facts are shameful.

Anger & Adoption Books

When Zoe talks about her birth parents, she's quite willing to talk about how she feels. She'll say candidly that she loves them, that she misses them, that she's sad that she didn't get to stay with them. But she has a hard time saying that she's mad at them, even when she's feeling that anger. The first time she told me she was mad at them for abandoning her, she said immediately, "But don't tell Mimi!" She obviously saw it as an unacceptable emotion. Lately, she only expresses her anger indirectly in the stories she writes (see here, for example).

Anger is the most socially-unacceptable emotion for both men and women, but for women it is even less acceptable. As the report of one study says: "A man who gets angry at work may well be admired for it but a woman who shows anger in the workplace is liable to be seen as 'out of control' and incompetent." And we've seen how the "angry adoptee" label is used to dismiss the concerns of adult adoptees -- we see anger as a disqualifier, as reason to disregard.

More distressing than the reaction of others to women's anger is the reaction of women to their own anger. As Lois P. Frankel put it in Women, Anger and Depression:

Much like other women, Anita was afraid to be angry. She had received the message as a child that if she exhibited her anger, she would somehow be abandoned: physically, emotionally or bothHerein lies the basis of women's difficulty with their anger. We learn early on that anger is not an acceptable emotion. We are given strong verbal and non-verbal messages that teach us to deny our anger.

The author even provides a very interesting checklist of reactions to our childhood attempts to express anger. Did any of these happen to you? Are you avoiding these in reaction to your children's anger?

1. I was sent to my room until I cooled off.
2. I was told that nice girls don't get angry.
3. I was ignored.
4. I was punished (physically, verbally or lost some privilege).
5. I was threatened with religious implications (e.g., not going to heaven or God wouldn't like it).
6. I was told to turn the other cheek.
7. I was made fun of, laughed at or my anger became a family joke.
8. I had love and affection withheld from me.
9. I was told my anger wasn't justified.
10.I was told anger wasn't lady-like.
11.I was treated as if I were out of control.
12.I was told I was weak or somehow less of a person for being angry.
13.I was treated as if I had committed a sin.
14.I was told it was a flaw in my character (e.g., "You're just like your father.")
15.I was told I was ugly or in some other way physically unappealing.

With this litany, is it any wonder that "women begin punishing themselves for even having angry feelings. They internalize the messages so well, they can no longer even identify when they are angry."

We have probably 30-40 kids books about adoption (I know, it's ridiculous, but I can't seem NOT to buy them!). But the list of books that include ANGER as an emotion adoptees experience is much, much shorter, and in most of them, there's only a passing reference to anger:

1. The Mulberry Bird

Adopted bird sometimes "felt confused and angry about being adopted." His anger is related to disbelief that his birth mother's situation was as bad as she claimed in her reason for relinquishing him.

2. All About Adoption

The book relates that sometimes adopted children feel angry at their parents just the way all kids do. But they also "might feel angry that they didn't get to grow up with their birth parents. Kids also get angry at their adoptive parents to see how much their parents love them. They don't even know they are doing this sometimes! . . . But people can feel angry at someone they love."

3. Before I Met You

Being in the orphanage with not enough nannies to care for all the babies like a mom would can make a baby not just sad, but mad. In discussing that adopted kids have lots of different feelings, the mom-narrator says, "We will stay together, always, when you are happy, sad, and yes, even mad."

4. Adoption Is For Always

Celia is sad and mad when she understands what adoption means and that she was adopted. She acts out and says mean things, including, "You're not beautiful like my real mommy!" to her mom, who answers, "I know you're angry, but that doesn't mean that you can say hurtful things. . . . I AM your real mommy. [if you've read much here, you know I'm not fond of the "I'm the real mommy, and your birth mother isn't" answer]

5. We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Nine-year-old Benjamin, adopted from Korea, narrates: "I began to feel angry because other kids knew their biological families, and I never would." There's a "not my real mom" scene, with adoptive mom saying, "You have a real mom, and that's me."

6. Lucy's Feet

Lucy acts out her anger at not having grown in her mother's tummy like her younger brother by kicking. She declares at one point, "It's not fair! How come I was adopted and he wasn't? I want to come from in there (pointing at her mom's stomach), too." Mom answers with the "you grew in my heart" theme.

7. Allison

Allison realizes that she looks more like her MeiMei doll than like her parents. When she's told she's adopted, she reacts with anger, and destroys an old doll of her mother's and her father's old baseball mitt. She yells, "You're not my mommy! You're not my daddy!" [The book is culturally confused, MeiMei (Chinese for "little sister") wears a kimono!]

Anyone have any other suggestions of books that deal with adoption and anger, or just with anger itself? What do you do to encourage your child to express all emotions, even anger?

Book Notes

* At Resist Racism, a critical comment on Grace Lin's The Red Thread: An Adoption Fairy Tale.

* From PaperTigers.org, Sun Yung Shin is "Seeking Out True Reflections of Race and Culture in Children's Books:"

As an adoptee author, I very much want to write a children’s book about an adoptee protagonist in which she or he struggles with the facts and nature of her or his adoption. It’s a topic - or network of topics - that does not lend itself to simple plotlines or, for me, at least, happy endings. Adoption is a not an issue that the adoptee can "solve." There are sub-issues that can be better and more directly addressed by the adoptee him/herself - ways that the he/she can take charge and transform situations, to some degree. However, as parents are the main purchasers of books, it follows that most adoptive parents don’t want to read a book that focuses on the grief of the adoptee, the grief of the birth parent, the imbalance of power and resources that is often the case between birth parent(s) and adoptive parents - especially in the case of transnational adoptions, and often in the case of transracial adoptions.

Most children’s books about adoption that I have read focus on the choice of the adoptive mother, and how the adoptee and the adoptive parents are “meant to be together,” which implies that the child and the birth family are not meant to be together. This logic, while soothing to adoptive families and to the child as a young one, grows thin and problematic as the child moves into adulthood.

*Here's a video snippet about Mei-Ling Hopgood's Lucky Girl -- my copy is on order!

I Read It So You Don't Have To III

OK, I'm trying to reserve these posts to the worst of the worst, the creme de la crapper, the truly poisonous children's books about adoption. So not every book with demerits will make the list. Some books might have a narrower focus than I'd like (not mentioning birth parents, for example), or might go in a different direction from a promising start (like ignoring racial teasing to sing the "we're all the same" song). But if it's something not completely poisonous, I put it in the "I can work with this" category, and know that I won't let my kids read it on their own and when I do read it with my kids I'll have to point out different ways to look at things. And as always, your mileage may vary! If I'm trashing your all-time, very favorite, BEST book about adoption, sorry!

With that caveat, I introduce another best-avoided book: Made in China: A Story of Adoption.

First off, the book isn't as horrible as I first feared based on the title. The title reminded me of that awful "Made in China, Loved in America" tshirt that was all the vogue for adopted girls from China -- very high yuck factor in terms of objectification/commodification, with the added assumption that no one loved these girls in China (you can read a lot of APs defending these shirts after an AP suggested they were problematic by clicking here). The book is pretty awful, though.

The premise: The older sister (Caucasian, blonde, presumably biological child of APs, but not necessarily) teases her younger sister adopted from China for being "Made in China," just like her toys: "It's just like you," my big sister said, "You're Made in China. It's stamped right on your head." The girl says, "that really hurt," and goes to talk to her father, expecting a denial. He answers, "Sweetheart, you're not made like a toy. You were 'Made in China' to bring us joy."

Arrgggghhhhhhh! Could you come up with a worse answer?! Mei mei goes expecting a denial, and Dad AGREES with big sis! He does eventually explain that she was BORN in China "to a wonderful woman who really loved you." If he'd said that -- no, you weren't made in China, you were BORN like all other kids, and you were BORN in China -- right away, I'd have less trouble with the book.

But even if he had said that, I'd have a problem with the suggestion that the child was made/born "to bring us joy." And then he also says, "You were 'Made in China' so I'd be your dad."

"Made in China" to bring us joy? "Made in China" so I'd be your dad? And this in a book that acknowledges that the birth mother "really loved" the child, that she "did a hard thing when she let you go." Overall message? Your birth mother was an incubator destined for pain and loss just so we could have a child. Sheesh.

Sure, there are some potentially helpful themes in the book -- it's one of the few where it's adoptive dad, not adoptive mom, talking about adoption, so it's even suitable for single-dad families (and great for families where adoptive dad never addresses adoption, so maybe this could propel him to do so?!). It's a family with Caucasian and Chinese children in the home, and shows racial teasing can happen even in your own family (yikes! do we want to send that message?! and why isn't the dad talking to blondie about what she said, explaining that racial teasing is bad, even (especially?) when it's your sister; why harangue the victim about how she should think of the slur differently?). And, sure, the "Made in China" thing needs to be addressed with Chinese adoptees, because they WILL hear it in reference to themselves, from well-meaning adults trying to be cute and from kids trying to sting.

But in my opinion, the whole discussion of "Made in China" is seriously botched here. Yes, the dad says "you're not made like a toy (rhymes with joy -- ugh)," nor like a "shoe," not made of "plastic or cloth," but the story barely touches the born-not-made distinction. And the overall message -- "Made in China" for US -- so we can have JOY -- so I can be a DAD -- makes the child an instrument, a tool, an object made for the sake of others.

An adoption book celebrating the objectification and commodification of children -- though it seems to think it is rejecting it. How sad is that?

I Read It So You Don't Have To II

OK, here's another in our continuing series of children's books about adoption that are best avoided! If you're like me, you've probably bought a lot of your adoption-themed books sight unseen -- bookstores don't necessarily have a large selection in this category, so you go on-line. And sometimes you hit a real clinker.

This book falls into this category for me. I bought it without an opportunity to read it, but it's a Little Golden Book and ranked #5 on Amazon.com for children's books about adoption. How bad could it be?! How about completely TERRIBLE?!

The book: A Blessing From Above

Momma-Roo is a kangaroo with an empty pouch, and she prays for a child. One day as she rests under a willow tree she notices a nest crowded with eggs. The birds hatch, and the nest gets even more crowded. Then, as the "last and littlest" bluebird hatches, he was "bumped from the nest and falling down, down, down, straight into Momma-Roo's pouch!"

So, baby bird falls from nest -- how does mama bird react?

The mother bluebird looked down and saw her littlest one. She knew her nest was not big enough for all her chicks. It made her happy to see her baby bluebird in such a warm, cuddly place.

Aackk!! Well, that's completely dismissive of birth parents, isn't it? Mama bird comes across as negligent and uncaring, experiencing no pain at the loss of her child. And this, despite a dedication to all birth mothers (OK, the dedication is another problem, filled with gift imagery, and saying birth mothers are "an instrument of God's love.") Mama bird isn't even important enough to the story to be given a name, and isn't mentioned again after her "gift" is received by Momma-Roo (who, btw, is Momma-Roo even when she has no kids!).

The book is clearly written from the point of view of the adoptive parent; there's nothing that addresses the feelings of the adoptee. In fact, the adoptee is merely a passive object, dropped from above, who happily chirps, "Hello, Mommy," when he finds himself in Momma-Roo's pouch (yeah, that's how gotcha moment was with each of my kids!). Baby bird is barely important enough to be given a name -- Momma-Roo calls her "Little One."

I suppose there's one plus for the book -- it illustrates a single-parent adoption. But there are many others that do this, and don't have the baggage this book has. And if my child came across the book, I'd talk about the lack of choice on the part of baby bird and use it as a transition to "how do you think that would make the bird feel? how does it make you feel?" (You can sometimes find a teachable moment even in a bad book!).

FYI the book clearly has a religious cast, opening with a passage from Psalm 127: "Children are a gift from God; they are His reward." The final passage from Ephesians 1:5 reads, "In love he destined us for adoption to himself [dot dot dot]. The dot-dot-dot made me curious, so I went looking for the omission -- "through Jesus Christ." So not just a religious cast, but a specifically Christian cast. (We'll leave aside the discussion about how every reference to adoption in the Bible isn't necessarily a reference to adoption as humans practice it, and the discussion about the controverted meaning of God's will in the adoption triad -- each of those topics is deserving of a post of its own!).

A Blessing From Above is not a blessing, it's a curse! It gets two thumbs down.

So does anyone want to contributae to the "I Read It So You Don't Have To" series? Email me the title of other adoption books for kids that strike you as problematic. If it's not something I have or can get, I might ask you for more details, but I won't make you write the bad review unless you want to!

I Read It So You Don't Have To

A friend shared this book with me, wrapped in a plain brown wrapper and securely taped so that neither her kid nor mine could see it. And that's just how bad this children's book is!

The book: OwlCat: The Cat Hoo Thought He Was an Owl

The back cover reads:

This is the charming story of OwlCat -- the cat who thinks he is an owl. OwlCat is an orphan cat who has been raised by owls and ventures out to find his long-lost sister. Along the way he meets many interesting animals on this amazing journey of self-discovery.

OK, OwlCat was "raised by owls" -- like the boy raised by wolves? Actually, we discover on the first page of the book that he was actually ADOPTED by an owl family. I'm not sure that "raised by owls" really means adoption in popular vernacular.

The book opens:

It was a lovely day in the forest, yet OwlCat was sad. His little friend HOO Owl asked him what was wrong. OwlCat explained that he had just discovered he was adopted.

"I had started to ask my parents why I was different and they decided it was time to explain the truth. Owl mom and dad had postponed telling me because they were concerned about my feelings. I'm not an owl. I'm a cat! I thought Owl mom and dad were my real parents, but they're not! My real parents disappeared one dark and stormy night near Route 17 when I was just a baby. That explains why I always fall out of our family tree at bedtime."

"Owl mom and dad"?! "Not my real parents"?! "My real parents disappeared"?! How's that for completely ignorant and inappropriate adoption language?! And postponing tell him to protect his feelings? Kind of hard to accept in this day and age, especially with a transracial (trans-species?) adoption!

And I never thought I'd read the line "one dark and stormy night" outside of the Bulwer-Lytton Bad Fiction Writing Contest! When I read the first line, "It was a lovely day in the forest," I kind of snickered, thinking of the infamous "dark and stormy night" line, and then suddenly there it was! What a hoot! [Oops, I can't say hoot with HOO Owl and OwlCat hanging around!]

There is one good point about the book -- it's the first children's book I've seen with a successful search for birth family. [Does anyone know of another?] The searches in adoption-themed books usually result in finding adoptive parents -- like in Little Miss Spider and a Mother for Choco. Here, OwlCat goes in search of his biological sister who was apparently adopted by a cat family "on the other side of the mountain."

They do find each other, and "then Sharma and OwlCat talked about their families and what they should do now that they had been reunited. OwlCat had an idea: why not share each others' adopted families and visit them both."

Despite this one positive point, I don't think I'll be sharing this book with the kids. There's too much on the negative side of the balance.

A Gift for Healing

At the OCDF Great Wolf Lodge Weekend, I bought an adoption book I hadn't seen before, Before I Met You: A Therapeutic Pre-Adoption Narrative Designed for Children Adopted from China. I stuck it on their bookshelf, and Zoe picked it for night-time reading last night. I thought the book was really good -- it explained the one child policy, social preference for boys reason for abandonment, but also talks about other reasons. It addresses explicitly abandonment (without using the word) and is illustrated with a woman kneeling next to a baby in a box on a doorstep. It talks about being in an orphanage or foster family, and the care the baby would receive; but it also says "sometimes there were so many babies that it was very hard for the caretakers to pay attention to each baby like a mother does," which can make a baby not only sad but mad. I don't think I've seen another children's book that addresses that part of the orphanage experience.

I like the realistic approach and the basic message that however you feel about your adoption is OK (a frequent theme of ours around here). The book ends on an encouraging note, reminding the child she's part of her adoptive family forever:

We will stay together, always, when you are happy, sad, and yes, even mad (no matter what you say or do or think or feel!). And, I promise this: you won't ever have to be alone with all those feelings. I am strong and will be here to comfort you and keep you safe, for always.

But I didn't really intend this as a book review! Mostly I wanted to share Zoe's reaction, which moved me and tickled me in equal measure. After the story, Zoe said quite seriously about the author, "She has a gift for healing, the way she explained adoption to kids." Wow!

When I asked Zoe what "a gift for healing" meant, and where she'd come up with that, she said they'd learned about it in Religion class -- along with the gift of wisdom, the gift of knowledge ("that means being smart!"), the gift of faith, and I can't remember what all else. And then she declared proudly, "I have ALL those gifts!"

Book Review: The Seven Chinese Sisters

Book Review by Maya, age 5

Book: The Seven Chinese Sisters
Written by: Kathy Tucker
Illustrated by: Grace Lin (our favorite!)

What this book is about: There are seven sisters who are all Chinese, and they each have their own talent. Like the first sister rides a motorcycle, and the second sister does karate, and the third sister can count high numbers, and the fourth sister can talk to dogs, and the fifth sister can throw a ball up really high and catch it, and the sixth sister cooks the best food, and the seventh sister does nothing because she’s just a baby! A dragon wants to eat baby sister, but the other sisters save her using their talents. And baby sister got her talent – saying words like HELP!

What I liked about the book: The best part was after they saved the baby and they all ate noodle soup. And I liked when the dragon smelled the yummy noodle soup.

What I didn’t like about the book: I didn’t like when the sisters were too busy to pay attention to the baby so the dragon could steal her. I didn’t like when the dragon grabbed her.

How the book helped me/What I learned: Everybody has their own special talent. And pay attention to your baby or a dragon will come and get it!

Grown-up note: I like that the seven sisters are all traditionally garbed in qi paos and then have such modern (and not very girly) talents!

Book Review: A Dragon's Tale

Book: A Dragon's Tale and Other Animal Fables of the Chinese Zodiac
by Demi

Review by Maya

What this book is about: The book has stories about all the animals in the Chinese Zodiac. I'm a sheep, but the book calls it a goat. Zoe's a dragon. Mama's a rat.

What I liked about the book: I liked the stories about my animal and Mama's animal and Zoe's animal.

What I didn't like about the book: I didn't like the part where the frog was stuck in the well [The frog thinks his world is perfect, because he's only seen the small fraction visible from the well]. And there are too many stories, it got boring!

What I learned/How it helped me: I liked learning about all the animals in the Zodiac.

[Grown-up note: I'd suggest reading only a few stories at a time for the younger crowd. And I did some paraphrasing/shortcutting to keep Maya's interest even that long! She did like flipping through the book and looking at the pictures and just finding out about the 12 animals of the Chinese Zodiac.]

Wish List: Adoption and Chinese Books

Zoe and Maya wrote their Christmas wish lists over the weekend, and put them in their stockings (this is what we do instead of letters to Santa -- mostly so I can keep them since Santa leaves them behind!). Maya's list includes dinosaurs, Transformers and "boy stuff." Zoe's list includes roller blades, ALL Webkins, and "more adoption and Chinese books." Like we don't have enough already!

The other night Zoe picked an adoption book for us to read for bedtime stories, and I teased her, saying, "Do we HAVE to read adoption books all the time?!" Her ready reply, "Mo-om (yes, the two-syllable Mom we're all so familiar with!), you KNOW how much these books help me!"

She cracks me up! Yes, I know how much these books help, but I wasn't quite aware that SHE knew. Of course, writing book reviews that include a "What I learned/How it helped" category probably has something to do with it!

So now I need a wish list -- what are your favorite children's books about adoption? I'd be especially interested in those published in the last few years, and those for the 9-12 age group.

Book Review: Mommy Far, Mommy Near

Book: Mommy Far, Mommy Near: An Adoption Story
Written by: Carol Antoinette Peacock
Illustrated by: Shawn Costello Brownell

Book Review by: Zoe (yes, that's Zoe writing out her book review!)

What this book is about: This book is about how a little girl named Elisabeth wondered about her birth family. Her mom explained about it [why her birth family couldn’t keep her], but she was still sad and frustrated. She made pretend phone calls and called her “far” mother. When she was at the park she saw a Chinese mother and her daughter, and it made her sad because it reminded her about her birth mother.

What I like about the book: I liked that you can dream about your birth family.

What I didn’t like about the book: I didn’t like when she saw the Chinese mother and daughter because it reminded me of mine. [In fact, Zoe had been reading the book to us, and at this point she asked me to read it, because it made her sad.]

How this book helped me: It helped me understand a little bit more about adoption. Like knowing it’s okay to be sad about adoption, because it’s hard to understand. And you can go over it more than one time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grown-up notes: When I first joined APC, the big internet discussion group for prospective adoptive parents, before I adopted Zoe, this book was being discussed. A lot of parents panned it because of the “two mommies” concept – some arguing that “mommy” should be reserved for the adoptive mom and some other term used for the birth mom. Others complained that talking about the sad parts of adoption would plant ideas in the child’s head. Some thought the comparison of the child’s adoption to the family’s adoption of a dog was inappropriate.

I bought the book anyway, because I bought EVERY children’s book about China adoption! But I put it up on my bookshelf instead of Zoe’s, because I was unsure after all that criticism. How dumb was I?! But in my defense, I will say it was in the early days of MY adoption journey. Now, I really like this book, and find none of the APC criticisms valid.

It’s not perfect – the adoptive mom says she was “too old” to have babies, for example. And the birth mother’s love for the child is presented as undisputed fact; I BELIEVE my kids’ birth mothers loved them, because I don’t know how you carry a child for 9 months and not love her, and because I believe they made loving choices in making sure the girls would be found. But I make a clear distinction when I tell my girls their stories between what I KNOW and what I BELIEVE, and this book doesn’t do that.

Still, I think the book does a good job of explaining the one child policy in terms a child can grasp. [Warning: it explains that the girl was the second child, and that the family had another baby before her.] And it gives great tools to use with a child struggling to come to grips with many aspects of adoption, both happy and sad. I like the pretend phone calls, for example, and role-playing adoption with stuffed animals.

In some ways the book seems a little scatter-shot, since it covers so much:

· mom and daughter have different eyes
· parents’ infertility
· adoption trip
· everyone’s happiness
· one child policy
· abandonment
· child asking mom to “adopt me”
· child adopting her stuffed animals
· family adopting dog
· child lying on mom’s tummy
· sadness & loss about birth family

Whew! If you’re looking for something comprehensive, this is book for you, but if you want to focus on one issue per book, look elsewhere!

Children's Books From the Birth Family's Perspective?

[My original post title was "Children's Books From the First Family's Perspective," but I was afraid saying "First Family" would make folks think this was another "political" post! LOL!!!]

Check out this review of the children's book, Did My First Mother Love Me?, from the blog Production Not Reproduction:

When little Morgan asks her adoptive mother the book's titular question, her mom pulls out a well-read letter from Morgan's first mom. . . . The love Morgan's first mom has for her daughter is apparent throughout. The book closes with Morgan secure in the knowledge that both her moms care for her and that each validates the love of the other. . . .

The book's simple language will be easily understood by young children. I appreciated the change from the ubiquitous "birth mother" in adoption literature. Morgan's first mom is sometimes called "her other mother" and Morgan calls her "my first mother." (We do use "birth mom" in our home, but also other terms.) I also liked finding a book written from a first mom's point of view and by a real-life first mom.

Two things give me pause, however. First, the description of the adopted child as a gift from the first mother to the adoptive family makes me uncomfortable, and is one we try to avoid in our family. Second, the first mom's experience and reasons for placing are very specific and, in many ways, represent an idealized placement experience. It plays into the common assumption that being single and a little less financially secure than the adoptive family are sufficient reasons to place in and of themselves. Particularly in a situations in which little or nothing is known about a child's placement/abandonment or which are more complicated, this book may not be appropriate. . . .

We don't have this book, and I'm not sure it would work for us as a single-mom family, and not having any information about birth parents. Anyone here have experience with this book? Do you know of any other children's books written from the birth family's perspective? Does anyone know anything about Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You ?

For anyone interested in writing children's books, this might be a niche market -- something from a Chinese birth mom's perspective.

New Book: Adoption Conversations

At least, the book is newly in English -- the Dutch version has been out for a while. I heard about it on an adoption list I'm on, and wanted to pass on the information. I haven't read it, and would be interested in hearing from those who have. Adoption Conversations, by Renée Wolfs, is described as an "in-depth practical guide, written by an adoptive parent for adoptive parents."

The website goes on to say:

Adoption Conversations considers the following:
How and when to tell your child their adoption story;
Common fears children have about adoption;
Advice on sharing particularly difficult information with your child;
Useful conversation techniques, including naming and identifying feelings;
How to make a memory book or life story book;
How to help your child deal with adoption-related grief, sadness and anger;
How to respond to questions from your child, family and friends, and others in your community.

Sounds very good! Ordering info can be found here.

Guest Review: Shaoey and Dot

Book: Shaoey and Dot

by Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman

Review by Miss L., age 4!

What this book is about: This story follows a little ladybug and a little baby girl left in a basket in China. The lady bug stays with the little baby from being found, to being taken to the orphanage, to being adopted by her new family, and the flight to her new home.

What I liked about the book: I like the ladybug the best because of the funny way she is dressed. I also like the baby girl in the story, because I like babies. I love this book so much I want to read more stories about Shaoey and Dot.

What I didn't like about the book: I don't like the one page in the book that doesn't have the ladybug in it. I want to see the ladybug on every page! This page really bugs me everytime I come to it. I also don't like that the book ends. I want to know what happens when the little baby girl gets to her new home, and read more adventures of the ladybug and the girl.

What I learned/How the book helped me: This book helps me to learn the English words to describe how I came to be adopted into my family.

About Me: My name is Miss L. I am 4 years old and I was adopted from China 3 months ago. I now live with my mommy, daddy, and big brother in Canada.

Thank you, Miss L., I love your review! Thanks to mama, Shelley B., too.

Miss L. gets to choose her book, since she's the first child reviewer. I've offered her the second Shaoey and Dot book if she'd prefer to have it over Mr. Rogers' Adoption book or the White Swan Express. So there may be 2 more kids' books for 2 more reviewers, and there's Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son for an adult reviewer!

Guest Review: Once They Hear My Name

Book: Once They Hear My Name
edited by Ellen Lee, Marilyn Lemmert, Mary Anne Hess

Reviewed by Wendy

What the Book is About: The book is a compilation of several adult adoptees from Korea's story of adoption, but more importantly their journey to self-identity.

What I Liked About the Book: I really liked the diversity of the group chosen for the book and all of the advice (although not blatant that I received from reading their stories and life experiences.

What I Didn't Like About the Book: There is nothing I didn't like. However, I would have loved it to be longer!

What I Learned/How the Book Helped Me: I have learned many things about I approach parenting and things that I think are/will work and other things that I knew were important, but ingrained in my mind the significance of their importance--my daughter learning her birth language.

Wendy adds: I highly recommend!

Wendy was the first to get a review in, so has her pick of the adult books, and has chosen The Primal Wound! That means the next grown-up reviewer gets Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son (even if you have the book, you might want it as a gift for another adopter or a relative who might want to learn more!).

Thanks, Wendy!