What would you ask Jesus?

We spent a looooong time in the car yesterday. We visited a new Pumpkin Patch (new to us) since the girls were out of school, and it turned out to be much further from home than any of us expected. We went with a friend of Zoe's who is also adopted from China. On the way home, somehow or other the girls got onto the subject of what they would ask Jesus if they met him on the street. The conversation went on and on and on -- what does Heaven look like, what does God look like, who is the Holy Spirit, are the sidewalks in heaven really paved with gold, are you (Jesus) married in Heaven and do you have children????

At one point, one of the girls said she'd ask if Jesus knows when she'll die. I said that of course Jesus would know the answer to that, but he might not want to share it. "But Jesus can't tell a lie," another girl responded (maybe Maya? Hard to keep track with three little voices coming from the back!). I'm trying to explain the difference between lying and not telling, and Zoe pipes up, "Yeah, sometimes Maya and I don't want people to know we're adopted, so we just don't tell them. But we don't say we're NOT adopted."

Well, that turned the topic to adoption, and I asked, "Would you have any questions for Jesus about adoption?" [I asked about adoption generally, not necessarily quesitons about their adoptions, and there'd already been comments from more than one girl that Jesus had children because we're his children and it's like he adopted us.] Well, the floodgates opened! Our little friend shot her hand up in the air and laid out her list without a moment's hesitation:

"I'd ask Jesus who my birth parents are and if they are still alive. I'd ask why they couldn't keep me and do they have any other kids. I kind of have a temper (she does?! She's a complete sweetheart!), so I'd ask Jesus if I had a temper when I was a baby."

And then Zoe interrupted with her list of questions:

"I'd ask what do my birth parents look like, and are they in Heaven. And were they too poor to keep me, or did they have too many kids (our friend was sure it was because they had too many children). And how could they stay up so late as 3:00 a.m. since that's when I was born (yeah, like a lot of people have a hard time staying awake during labor!) and did I cry a lot as a baby, like when I came out?"

Hmm, I was a little concerned about the temper/crying thing, juxtaposed with questions about their birth parents, because I was wondering if maybe they were both thinking that they'd been "bad babies," and that's why their birth parents didn't keep them. I said, "You know, the reasons birth parents can't keep their babies are big grown-up reasons. Babies can't do anything wrong to make their parents decide not to parent them." The girls both recognized that language -- our friend said, "That's in an adoption book I have at home!" And Zoe said, "Yeah, my life book says that -- babies can't do anything wrong, they're just goo-goo ga-ga babies!" I was pleased to see that both girls felt so confident on the issue.

It was interesting how both girls had in mind what they'd ask Jesus about their adoptions; they've already identified the crux of the matter, all those questions we adoptive parents have to answer, "I don't know." The things they so clearly want to know.

So there's another tool for adoption talk -- what would you ask someone all-seeing, all-knowing?

What Happens When the Story Changes?

We all know how difficult it is in international adoption to piece together our child’s story. We rely on information provided at the time of the adoption by the sending country’s paperwork and representatives. We supplement it with information we learn from other parents about our child’s area or orphanage. If we’re lucky, we have photos and developmental updates from the orphanage, stories from the foster family. We hire services to take photos for us that we couldn’t take ourselves – finding locations, orphanages, etc, and to track down information like finding ads. We research on the internet – what was the weather like on the day my child was born? What did the night sky look like? We read and research to discover likely reasons why children are placed for adoption in that country, in that area. We take a homeland tour and visit orphanages and finding places, ask to see our child's file.

And we put together our child’s story, piece by piece, hoping we have enough pieces to make a clear picture. We sprinkle the story with “I don’t knows” and “This is my best guess.” But we think we’ve got a fairly accurate picture.

What happens when the story changes?

I’ve blogged before about parts of my children’s stories that I wonder about. Maya’s abandonment certificate says she was left in front of the women’s and children’s hospital. I think it’s possible she never left the hospital, that her birth parents walked out and left her there because they could not pay the bills for a preemie's care. Zoe’s story includes a note – a note said to have been left by her birth family. But two other families in our group got very similar notes, including the same kind of red paper. I’ve doubted its genuineness. But now someone who has reason to know suggests it might be genuine, because Zoe’s orphanage looks like one with an incentive program, where birth parents actually come into the orphanage to leave the children in exchange for money. If so, then the orphanage could have supplied the paper and pens. That explains the similarities in the 3 notes. That makes them genuine. And it makes the abandonment certificate a lie. Maybe the parts that mean so much to Zoe – the three layers of clothing, the little hat, the cardboard box – are all lies.

And then there’s the baby-stealing scandals, first reported in July and expanded upon by the L.A. Times articles. Although my children are not from the areas where it is reported that family planning officials confiscated babies, nor are they from the areas where news is just now starting to come out that the same thing has been happening, the scandals further shake my confidence in the information I’ve been given.

How to deal with all of this? If one knows FOR A FACT that the story has changed, I believe one MUST discuss it with the child. But how? Beth O’Malley says:

If your child is still little, then you are the one to make the emotional adjustment. But how do you handle new information when your child is eight or nine? What about conflicting information? Suddenly everything that you (and your child) believed to be true—is either only partially true or completely false. What can your child believe or trust about his story now? Here are some suggestions for handling situations about new or changing information:

• First of all, as the grownup, it’s your job to come to terms with whatever you learn. Deal with your emotions. Even as you read this article, plan on having a crisis occur at some point in your child’s life. Plan for it by expecting your child to seek information and also to question the accuracy of it all—especially if some of it has turned out to be incorrect.

• Predict and prepare accordingly. How might my child handle this? Is this potentially traumatic information? Will these ‘life facts’ have traumatic impact on my child? Follow your gut instincts and remember that you are the expert on your child.
• Separate your feelings from your child’s. Remember that your child has his/her own feelings and reactions. We parents should sort through ours so that we don’t project them onto our children. For example, our children might have anger about something that saddens us and we have to be ready to react to their feelings. Or, they might be much less impacted than we anticipate. We need to honor and validate their feelings and having sorted through our own first will make this much easier.

• Do your homework. Find out if the information you do have is absolutely accurate. What is the proof? If there is a possible nuance due to translation? If so, proceed cautiously and conservatively. Discuss the impact of translation and explain why new or changed information has emerged. Possible phrases to use are “According to the papers” or “Sometimes the words in one language don’t mean the same in another language….”

Expect all involved to go through a grieving process when new information emerges or previous information proves to be untrue. Your child has just ‘lost’ a chunk of their life foundation and a belief and a piece of identity they have had.

Excellent suggestions. But what if you don’t KNOW, but only SUSPECT that the information is false? Do you disclose?

I believe that I do have to tell my kids about my concerns. I don’t want them to find out on their own, even as adults. I’m quite convinced that they will, as adults, seek additional information. What would I say, then, about why I didn’t mention the birth parent note might be a fake? Or that the orphanage might have had an incentive program? Or that the abandonment certificate might be falsified?

When to tell? Depends on the child. But I think the Ten Commandments of Telling apply here, too, and that requires disclosing all of their story by age 12. Doubt is part of their story. It should be disclosed.

"Let's Play Adoption"

From Adoptive Families Magazine archives, "Let's Play Adoption:"

I smiled and listened closely as I overheard my daughter, Lillianna, and her friend, Rachael, playing with their dolls the other day. Lilli said, "Let's play orphanage." There was no hesitation. Rachael picked up the theme in a heartbeat and said, "I'll be a mom coming to take my baby home." And thus began an hour of play between these two adopted seven-year-olds and their dolls.

We adoptive parents have made it a practice to talk to our children about their adoption story. We retell it, discuss it from time to time, and add facts and information when it seems appropriate. There may also be times when it does not seem right to talk or encourage our children to talk about adoption, as well as times when the pressures of parenting cause us to forget about keeping up the discussion.

We find that younger children ask questions about their adoption story. As they grow older, we know they continue to think about adoption-related issues. But, ironically, as their thinking becomes more concrete, they tend to ask fewer questions and engage less in discussion about adoption.

But, as Lillianna and Rachael teach us, there is another way for adopted children to work out their feelings about adoption, and that is through play. Playing is comfortable, natural, and more fun than talking. And, lucky and fun for us, we can be a big part of it.

* * *

Play by the Rules

*Do not be afraid to bring up adoption in the context of play. It can help children process their feelings, get comfortable talking, and bring youcloser to them as you share this fun and private time.

*If your child has not wanted to discuss adoption in the past, playing might be the way to get him or her to open up. Play also encourages creativity, helps develop a sense of trust and reduces anxiety. Play can set up a healing stage where your child's buried feelings of sadness or anger can be expressed, explored, and explained.

*Stop the play and/or consult a professional if your child exhibits excessive anger, worry, sadness, fears, aggressive behavior, or new separation anxiety.

Definitely some good ideas here. The article doesn't use any examples of using play to talk about birth parents and abandonment, but of course ANY and ALL adoption issues can be addressed in play. Click here for a post about role-playing abandonment and being found with my kids.

One caveat about the last point in the article -- stopping and/or consulting a professional if your child exhibits excessive anger, worry, sadness, etc. Focus on the word "excessive," please! It is perfectly normal for children to express anger, worry, sadness, and fear when discussing hard issues. Don't stop just because your child is showing her feelings -- expressing emotions is a good thing!

And for general -- and terrific -- advice about using play to become closer to your children and to discuss hard issues, see Playful Parenting, recommended by my friend Lisa.

Have you REALLY told her she's adopted?

In the old days, social workers advised adoptive parents to keep the adoption a secret. The conventional wisdom today is that children need to be told they were adopted. So we adoptive parents, a bunch of eager-to-be-perfect parents!, comply. Or do we?

I hear it from so many adoptive parents -- "Of course, she knows she's adopted." But as we continue to talk, it is revealed that she doesn't know she grew in someone else's tummy. She doesn't know she lost her first family before she acquired her adoptive family. She's never heard the phrase, "birth mother" or "first mother" or "tummy lady" or "China mom."

All she knows is that she was born in China, that nannies took care of her until her forever family came and "adopted" her. You could have easily told her you "kerflummoxed" her, or "askewlated" her, or "droomextruded" her. These are just as much gobbledygook as "adopted" is, unless you REALLY define it.

And defining adoption requires TWO parts: 1) yes, the easy part for adoptive parents, that new parents made her part of their family and it is permanent; AND 2) the part that happened before adoptive parents entered the scene, the fact that she was born from and to another woman, who relinquished her.

Every child is different, and they are ready for more information at different ages. But I think it's never too early to tell them THEIR story, starting before birth -- "you grew like a flower in your birth mother's tummy until it was time for you to be born." There are lots of advantages to saying this earlier rather than later.

First, it gives us practice in saying "birth mother" or "tummy lady" or whatever words we decide to use. For some adoptive parents, especially those who suffered through infertility before adopting, it might be difficult to talk about. Starting by saying it to your child in infancy gives you the chance to mess up or choke up or tear up when it doesn't matter, and be more comfortable when your child is aware of what you're saying.

Second, it makes it a matter-of-fact thing, without baggage for anyone. Some parents seem to think they should wait to explain about birth parents until children can understand ALL aspects, including reasons for relinquishment, issues like abandonment and one child policies and social preferences for boys, and poverty and disability and war . . . . Sheesh, if you waited for all that, the child would be an adult! And if you've waited, no wonder you're scared to introduce the concept of birth parents! But by waiting, you take the risk that someone else will get to tell her. Not what you really want, is it?

Third, it gives our children the vocabulary they need to ask us more questions when they are ready. I've had adoptive parents tell me their child isn't interested at all in her birth parents, that she never asks anything about them. And then it turns out that they've never really explained adoption to include birth parents. No wonder she isn't asking any questions!

So have you REALLY told her she's adopted?

Mark Your Calendars!

The Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.) is offering an online workshop on talking to children about adoption on September 24:

Join Ellen Singer, LCSW-C for this one-hour session that teaches parents what children understand and think about adoption - and about being adopted - as
they grow and develop. Learn how to share your child's adoption story and how to
encourage them to comfortably share their questions, thoughts and feelings with you.

Watch and listen! New toll-free dial-in/online format enables parents to ask questions and address personal concerns before and during the workshop. Includes electronic handouts, pre-event Q&A survey and discount coupons for valuable publications, like W.I.S.E. Up!

Online Registration is now open!
Talking to Children about Adoption
Thursday, September 24,2009
9:00p.m - 10:00p.m. (Eastern time)
Fee: $20

Great post on talking adoption

Great post on talking adoption:

There's an old saying in the cycling community, "It's not if you're going to crash, but when." Keeping this in mind, effective cyclists will train for avoiding falls and keeping crash damage to a minimum. The same advice could be given to adoptive parents. It's not a matter of if The Big Questions will come, but when. And, a little preparation in damage control is your best ally inbuilding an open communication with your child/ren as they embark on thisjourney to find and define themselves.

There's really good advice here:

To keep the lines of communication open, you must build trust into your relationship with your child/ren. In ongoing conversations, be prepared to tell the truth, then always tell the truth. Do your homework. Know what you know and what you don't. Read and re-read any paperwork you have about their abandonment or relinquishment. Do homework about abandonment patterns in their place of birth (country, city, province) and be prepared to put what you have been told into a greater context. If you believe that, at any time, you or your child will discover that the information you have been given about their availability for adoption is false, leave that open as a possibility. Get comfortable saying, "I don't know." Find your peace in clarifying all conjecture ("Maybe you were wrapped in a blanket, honey. We don't know for sure" "What we were told is ______."). Do not make beautiful rainbows-and-sunshine stuff up on the fly just because you see your child's beautiful eyes brimming with tears.

It's a must-read! Click here to read the whole thing.

To the mom I met today

The mom with the 5-year-old adopted from India, who has not yet told her daughter she's adopted. It's been kind of easy to get away with this so far since your husband is Indian. But I think it's important that you tell her ASAP! I gave you the link to the blog in the hopes you'll stop by, but I wanted to give some quick guidance to you and others who've delayed talking about adoption -- I know you're not alone in this!

First of all, why tell? Openness and honesty are FUNDAMENTAL to healthy relationships, and that includes the relationship between parent and child. I'm sure you think your daughter is too young to understand, and you're right -- she won't understand completely at first. But I bet she's already overheard a conversation or two (we talked about it pretty openly, so I'm sure it's not a deep, dark secret, and I'm sure you've had to explain your relationship within her hearing more than once!) that makes her wonder and worry that there's some secret about her that no one is telling her. And if you wait too much longer, she's going to be hurt and angry at you for keeping it from her. She'll likely put a very negative connotation on it all, since things that are secret are usually thought of as things that are bad.

Second, how to tell? Take a look at these posts for some tips: Talking Adoption Tips and Ten Commandments of Telling. I hope they'll help to get you started. Opening up discussion with a story book is great, so here's an Adoption Book List for you. You might also want to read the book, Talking to Young Children About Adoption. And check out the links to the right, Resources for Adoption Talk. Quick tips -- be positive, be as casual as possible (don't make it a heavy family talk, I mean), and be prepared to give lots of reassurance.

Third, what to tell? Think about where your child is developmentally. Do you have a pregnant friend? Has she seen pregnant women and known there's a baby in there? I'd probably start with pregnancy at her age: "Remember Mrs. XXXX, who has a baby growing in her tummy? Giving birth to a baby is one way to add a child to a family. Adoption is another way. Do you know what adoption is? Adoption is when a child's birth family can't take care of her, so they make a plan for another family to take care of her and that other family becomes her family forever. Adoption is how you became a part of our family!" And then follow where it goes from there.

Best of luck! And I know it's always unbelievably cheeky when total strangers give parenting advice. Sorry about that. But this is really, really, really important for your daughter, who was a cute as can be, smart and engaging and outgoing, and deserves the best!

Planting Seeds

The most frequently expressed reason adoptive parents give me for NOT talking adoption with their kids (and beating hands-down the "I don't know what to say" reason!) -- I don't want to plant ideas in her head.

My usual answer is two-fold -- I bet the idea is already there, and why not?

The idea is already there

ALL adopted kids think about their birth parents. If you've told them they are adopted, and explained that that means they had a family before yours, they are thinking of that first family. I don't know what they are thinking about that family, but I'm willing to guarantee that by age 4 (if not earlier) they ARE thinking about that family. That's what the research says. And yes, I said ALL adopted kids!

Once they're between the ages of 7 & 12, they are thinking A LOT about that first family. For some kids, they are mildly curious and for others they are obsessively curious. Some kids are going to be avoidant -- NOT wanting to think about or know anything about birth family. But guess what? NOT thinking about birth family in this way is thinking about birth family! [DON'T think about the elephant in the living room!]

Here's what it says in Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self:

We are often asked, "What percent of adoptees search for their birth parents?" And our answer surprises people: "One hundred percent." In our experience, all adoptees engage in a search process. It may not be a literal search, but it is a meaningful search nonetheless. It begins when the child first asks, "Why did ithappen?" "Who are they?" "Where are they now?" These questions may be asked out loud, or they may constitute a more private form of searching -- questions that are examined only in the solitute of self-reflection. This universal search begins during the early school years, prompted by the child's growing awareness of adoption issues.

So the idea is there -- what are you going to do about it?!

Why not?

Why don't we want to plant ideas about adoption/birth family in our kids' heads? We're ALWAYS planting ideas in our kids heads -- God loves you, math is fun, honesty is the best policy, be kind to others, recycle, whatever! We're parents, planting ideas in our kids' heads is what we do!

Do you know one single parent who'd say, "I'm going to wait until she's an adult to suggest she never steal -- I don't want to put ideas in her head!" Part of a parent's job -- perhaps the most important part of a parent's job -- is to pass on our values to our kids. Why is adoption exempt from this rule?

Now, sometimes when parents say, "I don't want to put ideas in her head," they mean, "I don't want to cram adoption down her throat." Great! I don't want you to do that, either! But there is a great divide between waiting for her to mention it to show that the idea is already planted through no fault of your own, and harping on adoption all the time. And the danger of waiting and doing no planting of our own is that our child will get the ideas elsewhere, from less informed and caring people (like kids on the playground -- "Your real mother didn't love you, that's why she dumped you like garbage!"); or they'll get the idea that you don't want to talk about it, so they'll seek out information from someone else, which means that SOMEONE ELSE will be passing on THEIR values to your child, not your values. And if they can't talk to you about it, it becomes this THING that stands between you, impairing your relationship. There was an IMMEDIATE improvement of our relationship when Zoe and I started talking about the hard things in adoption.

Sometimes parents say, "I don't want to put ideas in her head," when it comes to FEELINGS about adoption and birth family. Parents will willingly share facts about adoption/birth family, but don't want to suggest any particular emotions that might be associated with it for fear of convincing a child to feel a particular way. So you'll say, "You have a birth mother," but won't say, "Do you sometimes miss your birth mother?"

Again, I have two answers. First, exactly how malleable is your child?! I have a dickens of a time convincing mine to feel a particular way! You've seen the video of Maya saying she's not at all interested in knowing about her birth parents, and you have some idea of how much we talk about adoption and birth parents, including feelings and thoughts, in this house! Second, is that how you convey values about other things? "There is a God." Next! Of course not! We tell our kids how they should feel about things -- "Love God" -- and why they should do certain things -- "Recycle to save the Earth." We even tell them how other people feel, even when we don't know -- "Your teacher doesn't hate you!" Why, then is adoption/birth family off-limits? It shouldn't be. It's something that will always be enormously influential in your child's life, in your life, in the life of your whole family. No, it doesn't define us, but it will always be there.

So plant some seeds. And be amazed at what grows!

It's NEVER "Out of the Blue!"

I was reading this charming post entitled "Out of the Blue," and had to laugh at the title. The mom describes an "out of the blue" discussion about adoption with her daughter (thanks to Tonggu Momma for including it in her weekly "Sunday Linkage" post -- she always shares thought-provoking and/or charming and/or beautifully written posts).

I laughed because I had JUST used that expression to describe a recent issue raised by Maya. We were driving in the car (it's always in the car?!) and she says apropos of nothing, "I wish I had a daddy." She tells me, in response to my "why?", that a daddy could give her piggy-back rides. Ooooookay.

It wasn't until a few hours later that I started to think maybe this conversational gambit wasn't so "out of the blue" after all. We were driving my mom to the doctor for a minor outpatient procedure (which turned out great, no worries!) -- she would be under anesthesia and wasn't allowed to drive after, which is why I was driving her.

The last time my kids were heavily into the "I want a daddy" thing was when I had brain surgery. They were worried then about who would take care of them if anything happened to me. I occurred to me that this latest "I want a daddy" episode was related -- a second-degrees of separation from what if something happened to Mama -- what if something happened to Mimi?

Sure enough, when I talked to Maya about it later, she was worried about Mimi, and like all center-of-the-universe kids, worried about what would happen to her if something happened to Mimi AND me. I told her that as the mom it was my job to take care of her, and that part of that was making plans for other people to care for her if I can't. Then we went through the long detailed list of people who would take care of her -- "If Mama can't, then Mimi & GP will, and if Mimi & Grandpa can't, then A will, and if A can't, then B will, and if B can't, then C will, and if C can't, then D will . . . ." She felt much better about it after that, but I'm sure it will arise again. I guess the biggest side-effect of the brain surgery is that both girls feel insecure about my dying, and being a single parent adds to that insecurity it seems.

So, that "I want a daddy for piggy-back rides" conversation wasn't about piggy-back rides, and wasn't really about wanting a daddy, either, I think. And the conversation CERTAINLY wasn't out of the blue! We might not know exactly what triggers one of these "out of the blue" conversations, but they are only "out of the blue" to us! Our kids have a reason for why that conversation has to be had, and has to be had now.

P.S. I don't mean to minimize Maya's daddy-need -- I know it is genuine. It's just usually on the back burner until something brings it to the forefront, like Mimi's procedure did. I'm going to be posting more about the whole single adoption/single parenting thing in the weeks to come.

Mei Magazine Addresses Infertility

In a helpful confluence of topics, the summer issue of Mei Magazine addressed adoption and infertility in their usual "Amanda's Place" column. The Amanda of "Amanda's Place" is Dr. Amanda L. Baden, transracial adoptee and psychologist.

I'm just going to put the briefest excerpt and encourage everyone to subscribe to Mei Magazine!

Dear Amanda,

I wonder sometimes if my mom wishes she could have been pregnant instead of adopting. . . . It isn't a secret that she and my dad tried to have children before going to China. . . .

It's kind of like I was my mom's "second choice" at how to have a child. . . .

Lily, aka: "First Runner Up"

Dear Lily.

Your question is challenging and insightful. As I thought about how I wanted to answer it, I realized that I couldn't just reassure you that your parents, or any other adopted child's parents, definitely chose to adopt as their "first choice. . . . ." I would even guess that lots of kids, like you, have realized that adoption may sometimes be seen as "second best" to having a child by birth and that can feel pretty lousy.

* * *

Feeling like you might be second choice can be pretty tough for lots of reasons, but looking at it as you described might not tell the whole story. . . . [E]ven if your mom wanted to have a baby by birth, that doesn't automatically mean she did not also want to adopt. That is, for women, wanting to give birth and wanting to be mom however that happens can both be strong desires.

* * *

While adoption may not have been many adoptive parents' first choice, I think you'd have a hard time finding any adoptive parents who would want to give up that adopted child for the chance to have a child by birth. Once you become a family, that bond is as strong as any other.

One of the best things about Mei Magazine, in my opinion, is that they don't sugar-coat the hard parts of adoption while still presenting a fun and upbeat magazine for children adopted from China. Subscribe to read the rest of Lily's question and Amanda's answer!

Rice Babies

Today, we made rice babies – and seriously, no pun intended. The babies are rice babies because they’re made of rice, has nothing to do with being Chinese, really, really, really, truly! All the kindergartners at a local private school make rice babies, as a project about weights and measures, and make the babies to match their birth weights. As soon as I heard of the project, I knew I wanted to do it with my girls. We don’t know their exact birth weights, but we know their check-in weights at the orphanage -- for Zoe that was on the day of her birth, and for Maya, that was 3 days after birth.

We carefully weighed the rice, and poured it not-so-carefully into tube socks (we spent more time sweeping up rice than we did pouring rice!).

Our measuring bowl only held about 2 pounds of rice, so we weighed the sock when we thought we were close to birth weight.

We tied off the sock at 6 lbs, 8 ounces for Zoe and 4 lbs, 2 ounces for Maya. We made another tie to make the head, and then pulled the top of the sock down to make a tiny baby hat. The girls had great fun coming up with descriptions for their babies – Zoe’s was a cucumber with a hat, and Maya’s looked like a squash!

Mimi helped with the project, and instructed the girls on holding the “newborn” rice baby so the head was supported. What fun! The girls love playing with dolls, so this was a natural for them.

The last steps were drawing on a face, using a permanent marker to make sleeping u-shaped eyes and a little blush to make rosy cheeks; and wrapping the rice babies in receiving blankets.

Quite a fun project. Yes, the girls learned a lot about weights and measures. But more importantly, they got something concrete to connect them to their births, and by extension, to their birth mothers. We don’t have pictures, we know no one who can tell their birth stories. We do have those numbers – 6 pounds, 8 ounces; 4 pounds, 2 ounces. The numbers have little meaning, though, when you’re 8 and 5.

I think we made it real with this project. And tonight before bed, when Zoe put her rice baby up her nightgown, with Maya following suit, and said, “So this is how much I weighed when I was in my birth mother’s tummy,” I knew it had worked!

Hard Truths, Told Softly

A thoughtful post on talking about abandonment with our kids:

There are many hard truths of adoption, all of which our children own. After all, it is their story. And age appropriately we share with them so they have the knowledge they need to take into the world with them.

And some things may turn out to be unexpectedly difficult or hard for our children that we need to learn to wrap our heads around in order to walk the path with them.

Tonight, on the way to dinner, out of the blue, our 11 yo asked if we knew any information about where she was found. We have talked about this before, but tonight she was ready to listen at another level. I don’t know what sparked the question. She had spent time with a friend today, but she did not say they talked about anything. Perhaps it was just seeing someone in their birth family.

I remember the first time I used the word ‘abandon’ or ‘abandonment’ with my children. It was a hard word to get out of my mouth, but after a while, it becomes easier, just as it was easy to think in my thoughts.

I can’t count the number of times people have said to me things like: they don’t like girls in China — they abandon or kill their girls in China. And I have asked them if they have ever been in China. (No.) The truth is something far different.

My girls have also had it said to them in school.

What good would it do them not to know the real facts or for me to gloss over them? They will grow up, and then they will know that I was not trustworthy.

New Mother's Day Tradition

When Zoe first came home, I started a Mother's Day tradition of writing a note to her birth mother, and as Zoe got older, she began to write a note to her birth mother on Mother's Day. Maya was added to the tradition when she came along.

The notes are undeliverable, of course. They are kept in a drawer, waiting for the day we might be able to discover who their birth families are.

But this year, Zoe wanted to add something new to the tradition. She asked if we could burn the notes, in hopes that the smoke would carry the good wishes to China and find her birth mother, or find her birth mother in heaven if that's where she is. (She remembered seeing the burning of hell money and other paper objects at Buddhist temples when we were in China.)

Zoe decided that the only proper way to do it was to put the notes in lucky red envelopes (which, BTW, are really hard to burn!). She and Maya solemnly wrote their notes, with Zoe wishing she and her birth mother could spend Mother's Day together. And then we went outside (all fire safety precautions at hand!) and set fire to the envelopes. As the smoke rose, Zoe and Maya cheered. They're sure the smoke found a wind current to take it all the way to China.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL mothers, near and far.

Telling About Abandonment

There were some great questions and comments to the Ten Commandments post, so I thought I'd bring the discussion "above the fold!"

First, I want to share some specifics from Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child, for talking about abandonment to our kids. The book authors have over 50 collective years of experience in adoption, mostly in post-placement services. They quote Dee Paddock, "a nationally respected therapist and adoptive parent, [who] says that adoptive parents need to see sharing their child's story as a process in telling and understanding -- not just relating the facts of the event. 'Whatever happened in the child's life experience that led to adoptive placement for that child, from the very beginning and in every stage they need to hear the words, 'your birth parents couldn't parent you,'' says Paddock."

Here's some suggested language for different development levels from Paddock:

Preschool Years: Your birth mother couldn't take care of you and wanted you to be safe. So she found a safe place to put you where safe adults would come and take care of you.

Early Elementary: We feel sad sometimes, and even mad sometimes, that we cannot give you any more information. Do you ever have any sad or mad feelings about not knowing anything? It is important that you understand that you are not responsible for the decision your parents made.

If a single mother: Being a single mother in Korea (or whatever country) may be extremely difficult. Single parents may have difficulty finding jobs and being able to provide for their child.

If a large family: Sometimes a family has too many children and is not able to provide for all of them. When the newest baby arrives, as you did, your parents might have felt they had no other choice but to take you to people who could care for you.

Middle School Years: Although we do not have information directly about your birth parents, we can explore all about your country and learn to understand why birth parents had to make such difficult decisions. When you think about your birth parents, what do you think about? Are you ever sad or angry that you don't know anything about them? What would you like us to do to help you? (Parents can begin to bring into the conversation the societal, economic, and cultural aspects of their child's country that would force birth parents to make such a
decision.)

Preteen: Continue using educational resources to fill in a child's cultural and ethnic background. Continue to ask the questions mentioned above in greater depth. Consider locating a peer support group of other adopted preteens and teens that deals with open discussion regarding adoption issues.

A couple of notes from me -- by "middle school years," I think they mean middle elementary school years. I think true middle school -- 7th & 8th grade -- would be way too late for this discussion. Zoe at age 7 asked the big "WHY" question, "Why couldn't my birth parents keep me?" She was ready then for the discussion of the one child policy & social preference for boys, and other issues like poverty and single parenthood that might have lead to her relinquishment.

Long before that age, Zoe knew the circumstances of her abandonment. She never reacted negatively to it; in fact, she takes a lot of comfort from the story of "the box." I'm not sure why, but the box she was found in is important to her. She loves to hear that she was dressed in three layers of clothing with a little hat on her head, even though it was a warm day. We have visited her finding place, and she could see how populous the area is. Maya likes to hear that she was found in front of a hospital, and that it was a good place to put a baby because people in hospitals know how to take care of babies.

I know some finding places are not as positive; even so, it's important to tell about it. I've already mentioned one reason -- children WILL hear about it elsewhere if they don't hear it from their parents first. In fact, this is what I said in the comments to the Ten Commandments post (in case you missed it!):

I sympathize with the desire to protect your child from hurtful information, but I say you HAVE to tell. She WILL hear about it from others -- too many people know about the situation in China. It won't take someone hearing it from you and repeating it to her. SOMEONE will say to her, "They hate girls in China. They just leave them by the side of the road to die. You're lucky someone found you and took you to an orphanage." I can almost guarantee it -- people said it in front of Zoe from the time she was 3, and when we went to China when she was 4.5 to adopt baby sister, the guide threw around "abandonment" like it was the word of the day! IT WILL HAPPEN!

So you have a choice -- do you want her to hear it from someone else, or from you, who will be there to give her emotional support and to express it as positively as possible?

Telling about the abandonment is also important in explaining why it is we have no information about the birth parents. Zoe knows other adopted kids (including a child adopted from Korea) who know who their birth parents are, and I'm not sure she'd believe me when I say we have no idea if she didn't have the backstory of abandonment. One of the things Betsy Keefer said at the AAC Conference presentation on the Ten Commandment of Telling is that developmentally around age 6-8 adopted kids will sometimes think that perhaps their adoptive parents stole them from their birth parents. So it's important to be specific about how the child was placed for adoption.

Mahmee asks about resources to help in telling,and I agree with her that books and movies are great jumping-off points for discussion. My favorite tool is Beth O'Malley's My China Workbook, an interactive lifebook tool. As I've posted before, the girls loved, loved, loved to fill out the pages, and now love, love, love to read through their books. It is really so much more effective than the lifebook I made for Zoe, since they got to make it themselves.

Here's a short list of China-specific children's books that deal pretty well with abandonment, as well as the social preference for boys and one child policy:

Kids Like Me in China
Before I Met You
At Home in This World

Remember the other points about telling -- let your child be angry without joining in. You can't be condemning about the fact and circumstances of the abandonment. Go for matter-of-fact and neutral. And do not lie. That means saying a lot of "I don't knows" for China adoptive parents. It's OK to speculate, so long as you label it as speculation.

Here's one way to explain the one child policy: "I don't know why your birth parents weren't able to take care of you the way a parent would want to, but there is a grown-up rule in China about how many kids a family can have. If a family has more children than the rule allows, they can get in trouble. That's one reason why kids in China end up in an orphanage. I don't know if that was the reason you did, but I think it could be the reason." (I just read this to Zoe to see if she thought it was a good explanation, and she says it is. But she also wants me to add, "My daughter is mad about the rule. She wishes she could have stayed in China to see what life is like there and be adopted when she was older." There.)

Please share your tips/language hints in the comments!

Responding to "You're not my REAL mom!"

In the February 2009 C.A.S.E. eNewsletter, there's this letter and response from social worker Ellen Singer:

Dear Ellen,
The other day, my 10 year old son was angry at me because I set a limit on his screen time. He said to me, "I don't have to listen to you. You’re not my real mother." I was devastated and didn't know what to do."

Ah, what a clever ten year old boy that is. He figured out a “button” that most adoptive parents have and pushed it. Most adoptive parents fear the time that their child will say, “You are not my REAL mother/father.” It is such a loaded statement.

It embodies adoptive parents’ often unspoken worries about whether their adopted child will somehow feel less authentically connected to them, attached to them, love them once they begin to understand what it means to being raised by parents who did not give birth to them.

The fact is, in most situations, while the statement may certainly reflect something related to an adopted child’s making sense of what it means to be adopted, it almost NEVER reflects an adopted child’s sense of love and attachment to their adoptive parent(s).

Instead, said in anger, it is meant to convey just that – anger – and is likely intended to be hurtful in order for the child/teen to thwart a parent’s directive, win an argument, or gain power. It is therefore a powerful statement, meant to distract the parent from the content of the interaction – in this case, limit setting around screen time. Understanding this, adoptive parents are advised to respond by saying, “We are not talking about adoption right now. We are talking about screen time privileges (or (your room being cleaned, use of the car, etc.). If you want to talk about our relationship or adoption, we can do that at another time.”

To find out what feelings may be behind your son’s statement and to initiate a dialogue, parents are advised to approach their child at some later point in time, when there is calm – not during the moment of conflict – and ask, “When you said …. was there something you are wanting to say about adoption, about your birth parents, about our relationship, etc.?”

Zoe has said, "You're not my real mom," but not in anger (actually, it's Maya, with all her sweetness and empathy who is most likely to say it in anger -- she was mad at me the other day and said I was "too fat!" She definitely has a tendency to lash out when she's mad). But I've always thought that if it was said in anger, I'd answer exactly as suggested here! One day I suppose I'll see if I can maintain that cool in the heat of battle.

The same way role-play helps my girls respond to comments others make about race or adoption, etc., role-play helps me, too. That's why I'm obsessed with digging out every snippet of "adoption talk" I can find! That way, I can be ready for future scenarios and practice responses -- how anal is that?!

Actually, I don't really think the "not my real mom" statement would be a problem, even in "the heat of battle." The REAL mom thing is only a loaded statement if you haven't already "unloaded" it! By acknowledging that my kids have two real moms, by "dropping out" of the competition to be the only mom, there's little sting in the statement. I guess my kids will have to come up with something else to push my buttons!

Adoptee on talking adoption to her APs

From Joy at Joy's Division, Talking About Adoption to my Adoptive Parents:

I try to keep my family worlds compartmentalized. It isn’t so easy because I am in relationships with both my mothers, they are both geographically close to me, in addition to emotionally.

I don’t like feeling split; duplicitous.

I remember once someone asking why adoptees don’t like to talk about adoption to their adoptive parents, I said I would rather eat glass and Addie chimed in with “pass the glass”

* * *

I know they want to be supportive of me, but to hear that adoption hurt me, I think makes them feel very uncomfortable. If they go that far with it, and I think at least my amom does.

I know they have conflicting feelings about some aspects of my “situation”, I know they feel protective of me, and themselves.

I also don’t feel they will be honest with me. That they will say what they think they should say in order to “protect” me.

Unfortunately, that they aren’t frank with me makes it harder for me to trust them.

* * *

I think adoption failed them, it wasn’t what they were led to believe it was. For them to be open about this with me, they would be afraid of hurting me.

I am supposed to be just as good as a bio kid, but I am not. I am me, I do not reflect them. I am not a descendent, carrying their genetic basket into the future, I am not an expression of their love for each other.

I don’t have their mannerisms, their habits, their way of looking at the world. My a-aunts granddaughter has my amom’s features, my child, their grandchild has mine, has my nfamilies.

* * *

The guilt I feel for not being the bill of goods they were sold is slaying . I don’t feel I can risk it.

I know if I do talk to them about it, they will say the right thing, I also know that I won’t know what unhappy surprise is waiting for me 9 months down the line. Of course I am exquisitely sensitive to it.

This is weighing on my mind tonight. Adoptees have a job, we are meant to fill a role, it is exhausting.

I've heard this from many adult adoptees -- I've commented before that the saddest line for me in Adopted: the Movie, is when Jen says, "To this point the most dangerous thing I've ever done in my life is bringing up the topic of my adoption with my family."

How do we, as adoptive parents, make it easier for our children to talk to us about their adoption? Is it possible?

Talking adoption -- lead or follow?

A recent post at Anti-Racist Parent is relevant to a discussion in the comments of my post on talking adoption tips. I agree with what both Mei-Ling and Lisa have said in the comments, especially the need for striking a balance between initiating adoption talk and not pushing issues the child isn't ready to hear. I thought I'd share another perspective on striking the right balance -- it's from Paula, adoptee and adoptive mom, who also blogs at Heart, Mind and Seoul:

I must admit, I cringe just a little bit every time I hear an adoptive parent say they plan to follow their child’s lead when it comes to addressing the different aspects in adoption. Whether it’s talking about their child’s first family, integrating their child’s ethnic culture, addressing the subject of race and race consciousness, identity, loss, grief, feelings of rejection, fear of abandonment or resistance to trust, I can’t help but think what a tremendous burden it possibly might be on the child to have to be responsible to initiate and direct these kinds of conversations with their parents . . . the people a child looks up to, the authority figures and the ones who I believe should be behind the wheel.

* * *

Imagine being a child of 5, 8 or 12 years old and never having your parents approach the topic of your adoption other than saying things like “Be proud of the fact that you’re adopted”, “Being adopted makes you special” or “Other kids sure must be jealous of how lucky you are” without so much as an opening or opportunity to talk about the more complex and often times confusing aspects that accompany one’s status as an adoptee. Imagine how nervous, anxious and even frightened a child might be to ask their adoptive parents about his/her desire to know more about his/her first family, when it’s never been genuinely brought forth as a legitimate topic of discussion before. I personally believe that there are already so many responsibilities that many adoptees automatically take on and internalize when it comes to their relationship with their adoptive parents, that to ask an adopted child to be the facilitator of his/her own family adoption-related discussions is just too much of an unfair and unnecessary onus to place upon any adoptee.

Just today my son and I talked about his Korean family. I strive to find that balance in giving him the security of knowing that he is our son and that my husband nd I are the mom and dad who are raising him while still honoring his beginnings including acknowledging the parents of whom he was born; the family who will always be a part of his identity and a part of who he is at his core. We don’t talk about adoption everyday, but we have authentic and unprompted conversations several times a week - it’s just something I feel very passionately about discussing frequently and openly in our everyday lives. Some days he says very little and shows hardly any interest and sometimes he has a host of questions about his Korean family, foster family or the differences in appearances between him and many of his peers. But I make it a point to provide numerous opportunities to talk about the myriad of different aspects pertinent to his adoption and allow him to share as little or as much as he chooses. And that is where I follow his lead.

Talking Adoption Tips

An adoptive parent stopped me at Chinese School to pick my brain about some questions her daughters – a few years younger than my two – have been asking about their birth parents. It made me think it would be worthwhile to put some of my “tips for talking adoption” in one place, and to solicit your advice for the list, too. So here’s a starter list. What would you add?

1. Be honest. If you don’t know, say “I don’t know.” It’s okay to speculate or guess, but always label it as such. “I don’t know what your birth mother looks like, but I think she might have the same beautiful smile that you have.”

2. Keep it cool, matter-of-fact, natural. You want your kids to feel comfortable talking to you about any aspect of adoption, so you have to show that you’re comfortable talking about it. If you’re not comfortable talking about it, start practicing now.

3. They’re likely to ask questions when you’re driving – no eye contact seems to make it feel safer for them to raise questions. If it’s not driving, it’ll be something else that has you a bit distracted from them. Just go with the flow!

4. Ask clarifying questions if you’re not sure what they’re asking or sharing with you. That’ll keep you from answering a question they’re not asking! And that makes it a conversation, instead of just you talking TO them.

5. Books about adoption are a great way to jump-start conversations and to bring a different perspective to the issue. Better have a few on hand, though, because they’ll come up with questions before you’re ready and you won’t have time to order from Amazon.com!

6. Don’t hesitate to ask them what they think, suggest role-plays, have them draw pictures or write stories or otherwise exercise their imaginations. “We can’t call your birth mother because we don’t know her phone number. Would you like to make a pretend phone call to her?”

7. Talking adoption isn’t a one-time deal -- you always have the opportunity for a do-over. If you don’t like how you handled a particular conversation, raise the issue again: “Remember yesterday when you asked if I knew your ‘real’ mom’s name? I wanted to talk more about that . . . .”

8. If your kids are talking adoption and asking questions, you know you’ve done something right!

My China Workbook

We've already done part of our Christmas -- opening presents with my parents and my brother's family on Saturday. One of the gifts I got for Zoe and Maya was each a copy of Beth O'Malley's My China Workbook: A Lifebook Tool for Kids Adopted From China. It was an instant hit, and they wanted to work on them this morning. (I'm such a mean mom that I hadn't let them bring any of their newly-acquired gifts into the house until they picked up the family room, and wanting to work on the workbooks was finally the motivation they needed to clean up!) I cannot recommend this workbook enough -- the girls LOVED working in it!

I'm especially thrilled that it was something Maya wanted to do. She hasn't been as verbal as Zoe in working through what she knows and what she wants to know about her adoption, but this book was great for her level (age 5) as well as Zoe's level (age 8). Zoe read Maya the text, and Maya did some of the writing with me spelling the words for her, and I did some of the writing, taking dictation from her.

Th book starts with "The Workbook Promise," including a promise not to eat messy pizza while reading the book, which tickled the girls. In the first box after that we put a current picture, and then the next page is an "All About Me" page asking for favorite colors, food, friends, etc. I especially like Zoe's answer to the "what I want to be when I grow up" question -- a lawyer ballerina. Oh, yes, I know tons of lawyer ballerinas! The next box is to draw their baby pictures -- interestingly, neither drew themselves as wee babes, but instead drew gotcha-day pictures that included me and Mimi.

Next, the book introduces birth parents:

Before you were born, you grew in a special place inside a Chinese woman's
tummy. That person is your birthmother.

She was pregnant with you for 9 months before you came into the world. That means you ate the same food she ate. You could even hear the same sounds.

It could be that some of your favorite foods started before you were even born. What are your favorite foods?

There are blanks for listing favorite foods, and a box to draw "your favorite birthday cake." I think that be girls loaded the list with Chinese foods on purpose, though their actual favorites are mostly Chinese!

The book says that no one adopted from China has photos of their birth mother -- "It's not fair but that's the way it is" -- and gives a couple of suggestions for figuring out what she looks like:

1. Since you were born in China and are Chinese, we know that your birth mother didn't have red or blonde curly hair, right?

2. Bet she didn't have blue eyes either.

O.K., so we can figure out some parts of her looks such as brown eyes and black/brown straight hair. You got those from your biological family.

Look in the mirror.

[Yes, there's some variation not accounted for here, but the book goes with the odds -- while some Chinese have green or even blue eyes, or red or curly hair, the vast majority do not.]

So here's Maya drawing a picture of what she thinks her birth mother looks like. The girls quite solemnly looked at themselves in a mirror before drawing.

Zoe decided her birth mother probably has glasses since she does. And Zoe added some interesting details -- her birth mother's shirt reads, "I miss my baby." And there's a legend above her that reads, "Love gives life." Where does she get this stuff? I've never said anything like that! [The influence of Catholic school, perhaps!?]

In Zoe's picture of her birth father (he has glasses too!), he's crying blue tears, and the legend above his head says, "Missing your baby doesn't take you apart." I don't know, the tears suggest that it does. . . .

Oh, the book also has a page for coming up with names to call your birth mother, suggesting that you can pick a Chinese name or an English name you'd like to use. You'll love this, Mei-Ling -- Maya put "Mei-Ling" on the list of things to possibly call her birth mom! And I really don't know where she got that, where she's heard that name!

Anyway, there's lots more in the book to work through, but it looks like it will be a VERY positive experience for both girls. I can't say it fervently enough -- YOU MUST GET THIS BOOK FOR YOUR CHILD!

Talking Adoption

I'm always looking for adoption conversations, especially reports of the actual words used. That's why I love it when y'all share your conversations in the comments! Here's a snippet from an article I ran across:

He says his daughters are “as American as anybody else” but says he talks to them openly about their Chinese heritage and their birth parents.

Cara [age 6] has already started to ask some tough questions.

“Once in a while you get asked ‘Why would my birth mommy not want me?’ And you try to explain that they made the choice that they couldn’t raise you but they wanted the best for you. So what they actually did was in your best interest,” Childs says.

Click here to read more about this family's adoptions.