C.A.S.E. Books on Sale

Here's a good sale for you: two books from C.A.S.E. -- Center for Adoption Support and Education.

I have both books, and recommend them highly.

Two Hot Reads... Three Cool Prices!
Beneath the Mask
Treat yourself to the resource that thousands of adoptive parents call "THE book to have" when it comes to understanding adopted teens. There are six common "stuck spots" adopted teens face. Do you know what they are? Find out and get dramatic savings!

Your Price:
$15.00
Regular: $19.99 - save 25%
Use Coupon Code: COOL1 at check out

W.I.S.E. Up! Powerbook

You'd be amazed by the questions adopted children are asked about being adopted. "Where is your real mother?" "How come you don't look like your brother?" Empower your child to manage their complex feelings while responding to the questions, comments and curiosities of others.

Your Price: $11.25
Regular: $15.00 - save 25%
Use Coupon Code: COOL2 at check out

Save 30% When you buy BOTH books together!
Use Coupon Code: COOL3

Know someone else who would like this offer? Pass it on!
But Hurry! This amazing offer expires on Aug. 31, 2009

The email said to "pass it on" to anyone else who would like this offer, so I am!

Ten Commandments of Telling

I promised to expand on some of the lists I posted from the AAC Conference. This one is from Betsie Keefer's presentation about telling even hard truths to adopted children. It's based on her book, Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past.

The book is really good, covering why to tell as well as how to tell. And there's lots more than the Ten Commandments, but that's what the presentation focused on, so I will, too. We've covered many of these before (see here, for instance), but always good to get reinforcement.

I. Do not lie.

This is a no-brainer, right? It's your child's story, and they are entitled to have it told straight. Omissions are OK if developmentally necessary (but see IV), but no lies. Kids have a way of finding out the truth, and then we've broken trust. Betsie said that adopted kids tend to snoop more than non-adopted kids (curiosity about their background), so it's not at all unusual for them to ferret out the truth before they are told.

II. Tell information in an age-appropriate way.

Of course, but HOW?! Betsie gave some examples of telling a child a very hard truth at different ages, building to the whole truth-- that the birth mom was drug-addicted and a prostitute, and the child was removed from her care because she left her alone and neglected her.

Age 3: Your first mommy couldn't take care of you. She wasn't ready to be a mommy.

Age 7: Your birth mommy had trouble taking care of herself. She wasn't able to take care of you. Neighbors were worried about you and called the social worker.

Age10: Your birth mom made a bad decision and started using drugs. She couldn't think well when she was using drugs and made even more bad decisions. Sometimes she left you alone. That wasn't safe for you.

Age 12: Your birth mom felt sick when she couldn't get drugs. She could not hold a job. She needed money, so she sold herself through prostitution. She left you alone when she met customers or bought drugs. Neighbors called the social worker, and a judge agreed you needed a safe home to grow up in.

III. Allow the child to be angry without joining in.

You know how you can diss your brother, but no one else can? Same goes when your child is angry with birth parents. Acknowledge the hurt and anger without bad-mouthing the birth parents.

IV. Share all information by the time the child is 12.

It's important to give the child all the information before the teenage years. That's the key period for identity formation, and they need all available information before that point. And, by the teenage years, kids don't believe a word their parents say! So you better get the information out while they are still listening.

V. Remember the child knows more than you think.

See snooping, above! Not to mention, if anyone in the family knows it, chances are your child has overheard parts of the story and are filling in the blanks on her own. Or someone else -- older siblings, school friends who heard something from their parents -- is telling your child. And they are likely not doing it in a kind and understanding way. Even if they are, the game of "rumour" should remind you how skewed the story will be by the time your child hears it.

Also, your child is probably developmentally ready to hear parts of the story before you think they are. Although parents are experts in their child, their reluctance to share hard truths and desire to protect the child might lead to underestimating their ability to understand.

VI. If information is negative, use a third party professional.

Choose wisely, interview beforehand, and discuss parameters of telling. AND you must stay when the therapist tells, so that you can offer your child's emotional support, so you know the details shared to clarify later anything your child missed or misunderstood, so you can demostrate to your child than even though you know "the worst" about them, you still love them and are there for them.

VII. Use positive adoption language.

It's important to model positive attitudes about adoption, and that starts with language. Your child relies on you to teach them that language, too.

VIII. Don't impose value judgments.

Even horrific information needs to be conveyed in a neutral manner. Conveying negative judgments of birth family or their actions will be seen as a rejection by adopted children -- if you don't like my birth parents, you don't like me.

And what we see as terribly negative information may not be that for the child. Betsie's example was when she was called in by a family to share the fact that their son was conceived as a result of rape. Everyone was surprised that the boy was actually happy to hear it -- he had internalized ideas of his birth mother as promiscuous, and was glad to know it wasn't so.

IX. Initiate conversation about adoption.

Waiting until kids ask questions isn't adequate. Look for opportunities to raise the issue of adoption:

1. Watch movies/programs with adoption themes with your child and draw parallels and contrasts to your child's story; use as a springboard to further discussion;

2. Use key times of the year (birthday, Mother's Day, gotcha day, adoption day) to let your child know that you are thinking about their birth family;

3. Comment on your child's positive characteristics and wonder aloud whether they got that characteristic from birth family members;

4. Include the birth family when congratulating your child for accomplishments -- "I'm sure they would be as proud as we are."

X. The child should be in control of his story outside the family.

Intimate details should only be shared at your child's discretion. Make sure, though, that your child realizes the difference between "private" and "secret." Secrets connote shame, and you don't want your child to think negative facts are shameful.

Anger & Adoption Books

When Zoe talks about her birth parents, she's quite willing to talk about how she feels. She'll say candidly that she loves them, that she misses them, that she's sad that she didn't get to stay with them. But she has a hard time saying that she's mad at them, even when she's feeling that anger. The first time she told me she was mad at them for abandoning her, she said immediately, "But don't tell Mimi!" She obviously saw it as an unacceptable emotion. Lately, she only expresses her anger indirectly in the stories she writes (see here, for example).

Anger is the most socially-unacceptable emotion for both men and women, but for women it is even less acceptable. As the report of one study says: "A man who gets angry at work may well be admired for it but a woman who shows anger in the workplace is liable to be seen as 'out of control' and incompetent." And we've seen how the "angry adoptee" label is used to dismiss the concerns of adult adoptees -- we see anger as a disqualifier, as reason to disregard.

More distressing than the reaction of others to women's anger is the reaction of women to their own anger. As Lois P. Frankel put it in Women, Anger and Depression:

Much like other women, Anita was afraid to be angry. She had received the message as a child that if she exhibited her anger, she would somehow be abandoned: physically, emotionally or bothHerein lies the basis of women's difficulty with their anger. We learn early on that anger is not an acceptable emotion. We are given strong verbal and non-verbal messages that teach us to deny our anger.

The author even provides a very interesting checklist of reactions to our childhood attempts to express anger. Did any of these happen to you? Are you avoiding these in reaction to your children's anger?

1. I was sent to my room until I cooled off.
2. I was told that nice girls don't get angry.
3. I was ignored.
4. I was punished (physically, verbally or lost some privilege).
5. I was threatened with religious implications (e.g., not going to heaven or God wouldn't like it).
6. I was told to turn the other cheek.
7. I was made fun of, laughed at or my anger became a family joke.
8. I had love and affection withheld from me.
9. I was told my anger wasn't justified.
10.I was told anger wasn't lady-like.
11.I was treated as if I were out of control.
12.I was told I was weak or somehow less of a person for being angry.
13.I was treated as if I had committed a sin.
14.I was told it was a flaw in my character (e.g., "You're just like your father.")
15.I was told I was ugly or in some other way physically unappealing.

With this litany, is it any wonder that "women begin punishing themselves for even having angry feelings. They internalize the messages so well, they can no longer even identify when they are angry."

We have probably 30-40 kids books about adoption (I know, it's ridiculous, but I can't seem NOT to buy them!). But the list of books that include ANGER as an emotion adoptees experience is much, much shorter, and in most of them, there's only a passing reference to anger:

1. The Mulberry Bird

Adopted bird sometimes "felt confused and angry about being adopted." His anger is related to disbelief that his birth mother's situation was as bad as she claimed in her reason for relinquishing him.

2. All About Adoption

The book relates that sometimes adopted children feel angry at their parents just the way all kids do. But they also "might feel angry that they didn't get to grow up with their birth parents. Kids also get angry at their adoptive parents to see how much their parents love them. They don't even know they are doing this sometimes! . . . But people can feel angry at someone they love."

3. Before I Met You

Being in the orphanage with not enough nannies to care for all the babies like a mom would can make a baby not just sad, but mad. In discussing that adopted kids have lots of different feelings, the mom-narrator says, "We will stay together, always, when you are happy, sad, and yes, even mad."

4. Adoption Is For Always

Celia is sad and mad when she understands what adoption means and that she was adopted. She acts out and says mean things, including, "You're not beautiful like my real mommy!" to her mom, who answers, "I know you're angry, but that doesn't mean that you can say hurtful things. . . . I AM your real mommy. [if you've read much here, you know I'm not fond of the "I'm the real mommy, and your birth mother isn't" answer]

5. We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Nine-year-old Benjamin, adopted from Korea, narrates: "I began to feel angry because other kids knew their biological families, and I never would." There's a "not my real mom" scene, with adoptive mom saying, "You have a real mom, and that's me."

6. Lucy's Feet

Lucy acts out her anger at not having grown in her mother's tummy like her younger brother by kicking. She declares at one point, "It's not fair! How come I was adopted and he wasn't? I want to come from in there (pointing at her mom's stomach), too." Mom answers with the "you grew in my heart" theme.

7. Allison

Allison realizes that she looks more like her MeiMei doll than like her parents. When she's told she's adopted, she reacts with anger, and destroys an old doll of her mother's and her father's old baseball mitt. She yells, "You're not my mommy! You're not my daddy!" [The book is culturally confused, MeiMei (Chinese for "little sister") wears a kimono!]

Anyone have any other suggestions of books that deal with adoption and anger, or just with anger itself? What do you do to encourage your child to express all emotions, even anger?

A Gift for Healing

At the OCDF Great Wolf Lodge Weekend, I bought an adoption book I hadn't seen before, Before I Met You: A Therapeutic Pre-Adoption Narrative Designed for Children Adopted from China. I stuck it on their bookshelf, and Zoe picked it for night-time reading last night. I thought the book was really good -- it explained the one child policy, social preference for boys reason for abandonment, but also talks about other reasons. It addresses explicitly abandonment (without using the word) and is illustrated with a woman kneeling next to a baby in a box on a doorstep. It talks about being in an orphanage or foster family, and the care the baby would receive; but it also says "sometimes there were so many babies that it was very hard for the caretakers to pay attention to each baby like a mother does," which can make a baby not only sad but mad. I don't think I've seen another children's book that addresses that part of the orphanage experience.

I like the realistic approach and the basic message that however you feel about your adoption is OK (a frequent theme of ours around here). The book ends on an encouraging note, reminding the child she's part of her adoptive family forever:

We will stay together, always, when you are happy, sad, and yes, even mad (no matter what you say or do or think or feel!). And, I promise this: you won't ever have to be alone with all those feelings. I am strong and will be here to comfort you and keep you safe, for always.

But I didn't really intend this as a book review! Mostly I wanted to share Zoe's reaction, which moved me and tickled me in equal measure. After the story, Zoe said quite seriously about the author, "She has a gift for healing, the way she explained adoption to kids." Wow!

When I asked Zoe what "a gift for healing" meant, and where she'd come up with that, she said they'd learned about it in Religion class -- along with the gift of wisdom, the gift of knowledge ("that means being smart!"), the gift of faith, and I can't remember what all else. And then she declared proudly, "I have ALL those gifts!"

New Book: Adoption Conversations

At least, the book is newly in English -- the Dutch version has been out for a while. I heard about it on an adoption list I'm on, and wanted to pass on the information. I haven't read it, and would be interested in hearing from those who have. Adoption Conversations, by Renée Wolfs, is described as an "in-depth practical guide, written by an adoptive parent for adoptive parents."

The website goes on to say:

Adoption Conversations considers the following:
How and when to tell your child their adoption story;
Common fears children have about adoption;
Advice on sharing particularly difficult information with your child;
Useful conversation techniques, including naming and identifying feelings;
How to make a memory book or life story book;
How to help your child deal with adoption-related grief, sadness and anger;
How to respond to questions from your child, family and friends, and others in your community.

Sounds very good! Ordering info can be found here.

Book Review: Talking to Young Children About Adoption

Talking to Young Children About Adoption
by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher
Yale University Press 1993

What this book is about: Written by a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist, both adoptive moms, the book explores how children understand adoption at different stages, and gives great examples of play and conversation about adoption. The book is thoroughly researched, and covers a lot of the studies on adopted kids in the 1980s and early 90s. The best part of the book, however, are the personal stories of children and parents talking about adoption. There is even an appendix of adoptive comments, questions, and play sequences of adopted children, arranged by age, from one year, nine months old to ten years, six months old.

Examples:

age 2-9 Child enacts someone trying to take a baby kitten away from its mother, and the mother vehemently objecting

age 4-9 Adoptive mother asks how it feels to be adopted, and child says, "Great!"

age 7-0 Child says to her family at supper, "You know it is not a nice thing for a man to give a woman a seed if she can't be a good mother yet. . . . I've been trying to think this out in my head."

age 9-? Child says he no longer likes to tell his adoptive story because this year he "feels sad about it, not glad."

Many of those conversations are fleshed out in the body of the book as well. The authors wisely note, however, that it isn't always possible to prove that the dream and play sequences were explicitly related to adoption, and sometimes when I read them I wasn't convinced the child was concerned about adoption (but then, I wasn't the adoptive parent who was there when it happened, and reported it to the authors).

What I like about this book: The wide variety of play sequences and conversations described. It was really helpful to see how children were asking about adoption, and what parents were saying in response.

What I don't like about this book: Discussion of Freudian/psychoanalytic tradition. I'm not fond of Freud, and I thought the chapter trying to explain it was needlessly confusing. In fact, skipping Chapter Two makes the book much better overall! The book is also somewhat dated, since it was published 15 years ago, so it does not incorporate more recent longitudinal studies about outcomes for adopted kids. Still worth reading, though!

How this book helped me/what I learned: I read this book while waiting for Zoe. I think it really helped to tune my ear to what might be behind some of my kids' play and conversations when they were too young to ask direct questions. For example, when Zoe had just turned 4, she started to ask me if I left the house after she fell asleep, or whether I stayed in the waiting room when she went into ballet. I immediately thought about this book, and wondered if she was worried about whether our family was forever. That encouraged me to talk more about the permanence of adoption (we have this whole jokey thing we do now where I tell them it's not that easy to get rid of me, they can run or hide but I'll always be their mother, and they love it!). After a few weeks, Zoe no longer asked me about whether I was going out shopping while she slept!