Monday, August 10, 2009

Great post on talking adoption

Great post on talking adoption:

There's an old saying in the cycling community, "It's not if you're going to crash, but when." Keeping this in mind, effective cyclists will train for avoiding falls and keeping crash damage to a minimum. The same advice could be given to adoptive parents. It's not a matter of if The Big Questions will come, but when. And, a little preparation in damage control is your best ally inbuilding an open communication with your child/ren as they embark on thisjourney to find and define themselves.
There's really good advice here:

To keep the lines of communication open, you must build trust into your relationship with your child/ren. In ongoing conversations, be prepared to tell the truth, then always tell the truth. Do your homework. Know what you know and what you don't. Read and re-read any paperwork you have about their abandonment or relinquishment. Do homework about abandonment patterns in their place of birth (country, city, province) and be prepared to put what you have been told into a greater context. If you believe that, at any time, you or your child will discover that the information you have been given about their availability for adoption is false, leave that open as a possibility. Get comfortable saying, "I don't know." Find your peace in clarifying all conjecture ("Maybe you were wrapped in a blanket, honey. We don't know for sure" "What we were told is ______."). Do not make beautiful rainbows-and-sunshine stuff up on the fly just because you see your child's beautiful eyes brimming with tears.
It's a must-read! Click here to read the whole thing.


Anonymous said...

I love your blog! I found you through the SAC group. I'd like to put a link to your blog on mine and blog about a couple of your posts. Could you email me so I can make sure it's okay with you? herri995 @ yahoo. com.

Thank you!

Lisa said...

Mal - I also like this part:

" Let's start with the central point: It's not about you. So, let's forget you. Let's forget "I." Because, quite honestly, what you feel and think means very little in the presence of a child who is mourning a loss you have not (most likely) experienced and coming to terms with a developing identity that has a full measure of self in another person (and possibly another culture). "

Lisa said...

And the second part of the paragraph I failed to copy:

" Once you've taken you out of the conversation, once your agenda is put on hold, it becomes much easier to listen to what your children actually need. This is not necessarily what you think they need. Or, gasp!, what you need them to need or to know. "

Great post, thanks for sharing!

mama d said...

Thank you for the shout out, Malinda!