Monday, September 13, 2010

Adoption Wackos & Grace

This blogger took issue with my post about religion, culture & adoption, and some posts from other bloggers she describes as "hand-wringing" and "guilty-feeling" adoptive parents  in a post titled Adoption Wackos and Grace.  She's since taken the post down (how passive-aggressive of her!), explaining:

I blogged earlier about some adoption posts that really disturbed me, but on further reflection I've decided it was more condemnation than judgment that motivated me to write it, so I am taking it down. (thanks, Mis).

This isn't cowardice or capitulation; I simply don't need the trouble of responding to the comments of a group of very hostile and unhappy people. And as much as those posts disturbed me, I think I need to pray for those people and their adoptive children much more than I need to needle them.

Subject (and comments) closed.
 BTW, the "very hostile and unhappy comment "I posted was asking her WHY she thought my post wacky, since she didn't explain in her post, other than to say I "debated" the topic, as if that was a bad thing! While she is busy praying for me  (seeing as how I'm very hostile and unhappy!) and my poor adopted children, I will be busy laughing and shaking my head . . . .

Adoption wackos?  Pot, meet kettle!


Anonymous said...

OMG--you found it too! Too funny. I was trying to figure out how to let you know about the honour (wich I am happy to share with you) because you don't check your linked e-mail much but you must have checked your incoming links.

I started to respond with a little hint to check out the latest E. J. Graff and then thought, naaaahhhh. Let sleeping dogs lie.

LisaLew said...

Drama on the blogosphere! Which post did she think was wacky?

joy said...

I saw that very mean-spirited post. I also saw that she was an adoptee.

The only thing I could think of was that you were freaking her out by having compassion for your children and challenging the belief system she has.

I mean she probably, like many adoptees, thinks that she has the best adoptive parents who were totally selfless and giving, saints naturally.

Probably the only thing they have discussed with her is how grateful she should be for them. That would be fairly standard for someone her age.

People questioning practices, ethics of adoption, having concern for the well-being of other triad members is not the way her parents did it, so kind of how dare you?

I don't know if that made any sense to anyone but me. People are very attached to their belief systems, esp. adopted ones built out of defenses that can be kicked away pretty easily.

Anyway, a very angry woman. I wish her peace.

Cassi said...

Malinda - you're one of my favorite wackos in the blogging world!

Anonymous said...

The "I'll pray for you" spewage is meant to be condescending and every time someone uses it with me I just have to laugh at their stupidity.

Rainbow-farters and kool-aid drinkers need to get out of the unicorn gas, put down the glass, and come up for some fresh air and reality.

Anonymous said...

You know what I like? That I can put that blog URL in my google reader and the deleted post is still there, links intact. First, she spelled it whacko. I must insist that people who blog at least not butcher the English language. Blogging is no excuse for intellectual laziness; indeed it is an impetus for greater acuity. In other words her spelling sucks.

Second, she call out you, o solo, mama d, and tonggu momma. Not bad company :)

Reena said...

Oh I missed it! Oh well. I've had enough people call me whacko to my face for my religious beliefs.

It is amazing how wound up people get over it!

Reena said...

Oh no! I guess I misspelled whacko as well. LOL.

mama d said...

Well, I'm double whacked. It's great to be taken out of context. No, honestly. (Says she who clearly understands that her posts can be somewhat ... polarizing.)

Cassi said...

***Second, she call out you, o solo, mama d, and tonggu momma. Not bad company :)***

Definetly good company since they are some of the best wacko bloggers I know and respect!

Anonymous said...

She apologized. What more do you want?

Mei Ling said...

Anonymous: She apologized, then proceeded to say the condescending phrase "I will pray for those parents and their adoptive children."

Nice to know adult adoptees are still being viewed as *children* by ANOTHER ADOPTEE.

And Osolomama pointed out to me in private that this adoptee has every right to her opinion, which is of course true - but the adoptee acted absolutely outraged at some of the posts.

As in, the world was ending.

Mei Ling said...

"People are very attached to their belief systems, esp. adopted ones built out of defenses that can be kicked away pretty easily."

Funny that you mention this, Joy-joy, I used to believe my adoption was the hand of God as well.

In fact I would proudly claim that enthusiastically when it was mentioned because it gave me such a good feeling.

I think searching is what shattered that belief.

Before I searched, if anyone had dared suggest my adoption wasn't Fate (God-driven), I would have been absolutely stupified. I wouldn't have been able to comprehend such an idea.

malinda said...

She apologized? Where? That I-took-it-down-because-I-didn't-want-to-deal-with-you post isn't exactly an apology!

Anonymous said...

Wow! I had no idea that when I was praying for my friends, or offering to pray for them, that I was being condescending...

Mei Ling said...

Anonymous: It might have helped if you hadn't first labeled the bloggers as "whackos."

Yes, I know you put up an apology post. But it still makes your praying statement look insincere.

Actually I just found it irritating (and I speak about adoptive parents in general re: this issue) that I am once again being referred to as an adoptive child.

Of course... you could have just been referring to the adoptive *parents* and maybe you didn't know I was an adult adoptee.

But the idea of the perpetual child in the blogopshere is getting really, really tiring.

YoonSeon said...

Seriously this is so stupid. Some people just can't stand to be confronted or challenged by things they so blindly follow. 9_9

malinda said...

"Second, she call out you, o solo, mama d, and tonggu momma. Not bad company :)"

GREAT company! And what's so funny is that I don't think any of us are all that radical and wacky! Seems this lady doesn't get out much into the adoption blogosphere!

Anonymous said...

@ anon. who said:"Wow! I had no idea that when I was praying for my friends, or offering to pray for them, that I was being condescending..."

This must be very helpful information for you then :)


Anonymous said...

For the record, I AM the anonymous who posted that I didn't know I was being condescending when I offer to pray. I am NOT the anonymous who wrote the blog entry in question.

I will tell you from my heart, that when I pray for others, I am praying out of a heart of compassion and care for them. I have never prayed for someone out of condescension. Honestly, (and I mean to cast no aspersions on anyone's character, but rather sharing my gut response) I find that some of the responses to my heartfelt comment were likewise condescending and hurtful.

I do not blindly follow my God. My faith is not something I practice on Sunday mornings and leave behind when I exit the church. Prayer is not something I take lightly, nor do I flippantly offer to pray for someone in need.

I can't speak for the blogger in question, but I do ask that those who do not understand the power of prayer to not assume that anyone who offers to pray for you is being condescending.

I hope you see my heart in this, but as you don't know me, I don't know that you will. I just want to share that it hurts me to see judgment flying so freely from all sides on this site. Quite often, the sharing of differing opinions can become a catfight. I think we're all here for the same reasons. To have more understanding as parents who have adopted and children/adults who have been adopted.

Adoption is a beautiful thing, but also filled with issues that aren't ideal.

Thank you for letting me share some of my thoughts. My sincere apologies if I have offended.

Anonymous said...

This blog really had the potential to be such a welcoming place, but has turned so hateful as of late. I can't imagine what is causing so many to rant. Statements like, "In other words her spelling sucks. Second, she call out you, o solo, mama d, and tonggu momma. Not bad company :)" are just sad. And I think you meant to type "she CALLED you out" instead of "call out you" in which case that also makes you a bad speller or maybe just terrible with verb conjugation, but I think most will agree whichever the case that your point was both petty and very childish. And to think, we teach our children how to behave if they are being bullied at school, and yet as grown adults we can't seem to quite treat each other with that same talked about human decency and grace. It's very much "do as I say, and not as I do." So sad really. Grown women arguing over whose point was more defining. In the end, adoption is about love - pure and simple. Love that welcomes a child into a forever family is worth treasuring. Those who love well don't need to call others names when they don't agree with them, they simply have the womanly grace and wisdom to allow others a differing opinion - its called tolerance. Funny how when it suits us we cry out for it, but when others share a differing opinion, some here are the first to cry foul. Tolerance goes both ways. Without it, we just end up throwing-up on ourselves while slinging mud back and forth. It's difficult enough raising a daughter in a culture that is prone toward racism and hatred. Can't imagine our daughters & sons reading over these posts & comments in years to come, how ashamed I would be for my daughter to see a bunch of adoptive mothers gloating in each others weaknesses and stereotyping religions and adoptive families in paradigms that only serve to make them comfortable in their own spaces. No other words but sad. Just sad.

Raina said...

I'm not going to have a third grade grammar argument, but suffice it to say the autofill on the ipad and my fast typing don't always create the best result. I do try to do better when posting on my blog. So, if calling out the spelling error was childish, I apologize. The snarkiness undermines my message.

But adoption is not all about love, pure and simple. That is the whole point, that there are greater issues at hand, like ethics and social responsibility and human rights. It is a culture change, and the woman who maligned such critical thinkers as Malinda, mama d, Tonggu Momma, and O Solo does herself an injustice by refusing to understand the nature of their discussion. Because we are Americans, we are not better or more well equipped, or more entitled to any of the world's children than their own natural families. The women slammed in the original post "Whackos and Grace" are the ones who are looking past the "solution" of adoption into the root cause of adoption, which of course is abandonment. Why are children being abandoned? What lasting effect does abandonment and (in most of these cases) international adoption have on children - and whole societies. How much of that blood is on our hands as adopters? How do we right these wrongs, and raise our children into a world where abandonment (and hence adoption) is nearly eradicated?

These are the hard questions. These are what keep women like O Solo, mama d, Tonggu Momma, Malinda, Joy, Mei-Ling, YoonSeon, and others awake at night.

"Second, she call out you, o solo, mama d, and tonggu momma. Not bad company" ~ That statement is about Malinda (and the others mentioned), not about the woman calling them out.

Anonymous said...

"But adoption is not all about love, pure and simple. That is the whole point, that there are greater issues at hand, like ethics and social responsibility and human rights."

Well-stated, Raina. If the poster wanted to read blogs where adoption is believed to be "all about love" there are too many to mention. This blog and others dig deeper into the injustices that create the need for adoption in the first place.

I hope my daughter will never be ashamed of anything I have written. If she is, I am sure she will let me know.