Thursday, July 23, 2009

"Adoption is Painful"

Food for thought from Lorraine at Birth Mother/First Mother Forum:
And most of all, this is for the young teen who left a comment recently at Birth Mother/First Mother Forum. She said she was crying inside because she doesn't know who she is. "I want to know if I have my dad's eyes and my mother's nose," she wrote. "Can anyone help me to start to search? My parents can't--actually won't...."

Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

She asked us to keep this confidential--but I think she thought we could reach her by email. We have no way to reach her because when someone posts a comment, we can not respond to her or him because we do not have access to his or her email address. So I'll leave her name off here, and no one will ever connect it to the young writer, whom I hope has come back to find this. We are thinking about you and we send you all the love we can through the air. And we wish from the bottom of our hearts that we could reach across the nether and somehow find your first mother for you.

But what can we say to stop the hurt, what can we realistically do to fix the problem? Though we have the power of the word and the communication offered by the Internet, we can't go in and shake up those adoptive parents, like we would like to, and tell them how much their daughter is in pain, and how much they could help by simply opening up the conversation.


Margie said...

When I read that at Lorraine's blog, it made me want to cry.

I think one of the greatest disservices an adoptive parent can do for their child is to leave the decision whether or not to talk about adoption in their child's hands. Children cannot possibly understand the importance of being able to comfortably address adoption issues within their adoptive family. It's the AP's responsibility to open the lines of communication and keep them open, even when the child shows little interest.

Hope all is well in your world!!

Wendy said...

I personally cannot understand the AP who would not help their child search when they ask for it. If you love your child, would you not want their questions answered and an end or at least a way to cope with their pain/loss. I question why they wanted to adopt a child in the first place and what sense of entitlement and ownership they think that gives them.

osolomama said...

I went over and posted on the hard-to-talk-to child. I'm beginning to think this is also a generational thing. Old school adoption still exists out there. The key is to start early.

Mei-Ling said...

Yeah. The impact of adoption never fades, even with reunion.