Sunday, June 27, 2010

Even More About Adoption & Anger

A few weeks ago I posted about adoption and anger, and in the comments Yoon Seon said: "Hmmm... I've mentioned anger quite a lot on my blog, but this post has inspired a new post in me. I might respond to your post via a post of my own, if that's OK." Well, she's come through with this post:

Anger seems to be associated quite closely to adoption and, in particular, adoptees. We seem to be rather infamous for being the most angry participants of the adoption triad. People like to say that we should “just” get over our anger, and that we should “just” focus on the lives we’ve been adopted into, instead of focusing on what we’ve lost. It seems so two dimensional when viewed in this way.

I was a very angry teenager. I don’t really know why. All I really remember of my teen years were constantly being angry at those around me, particularly my parents. And I’m not really sure what I was angry at. Was it “misplaced anger” that is mentioned in others’ blogs? What/who was/am I really angry at? Is it unfair to say that I was angry at my adoptive parents, or was I just taking my anger at something/one else when it was really about someone/thing else entirely?

I can’t really answer the above questions. But I’m not going to deny that I have anger around my adoption and those involved in it.
She also does a great job of addressing the "why" question -- why are adoptees angry?  She lists 7 reasons for why she is angry, while also noting that being angry about one's adoption doesn't mean that anger is an all-consuming issue:

Like I’ve said time and time again, we’re human. We do have lives, and we do have lives that have nothing to do with our being adopted. I don’t sit around moping all day about the things I’ve lost in being adopted. And yes, I do celebrate the life I have here. But I guess it’s like living in a limbo: although my adopted life is wonderful and fortunate, there are still things missing from me as a human being that are a struggle to regain. I’m not perfect, either, so anger is just one of those human emotions that is going to rear its ugly head at times.
Go read the whole thing!  If you blog, why not keep the conversation going by addressing adoption and anger at your blog?  What about this question -- are adoptive parents angry about adoption?  We often attribute anger to adoptees and birth parents, but what about adoptive parents?


Bobbi Jo said...

Funny you should searching for our daughter's birth parents, I've been quite angry with China these last few weeks. We have learned about her family and that she has two older sisters and a younger brother. I've been angry with the whole system that caused her to be pushed out of the place that was hers to begin with. Angry that I'd have to somehow explain to her someday that she was put up for adoption so that her family could try again for a boy. I'm still actually sorting out just WHO I'm angry at or if it's just the system as a whole. I think adoptive parents who actually start digging to find answers will come up frustrated and angry too, but most choose not to dig. So many emotions, for all in the triad!

Von said...

So much anger for everyone in adoption for various reasons, but all connected to adoption...makes you wonder if it's the right thing to be doing hey?

Tina said...

Do I get angry - you bet your a** I do.

Mama C/Catherine said...

I am so moved by the breadth of your blog always. I too have noticed a lot of anger in my own life and my son's. And have been writing and talking (to a family therapist who specializes in transracial adoption) about how he and I trigger each other, and how to help all of us work with it, and through it. One of my posts is here; and it talks about two adoptive mothers talking about seeing the rage in their children.. Thank you for more permission to keep talking about it. Such a hard topic. I also wrote about it over at Moms of Hue, and had some powerful responses there too. I hope leaving the links is OK, feel free to remove them.