I try to keep my family worlds compartmentalized. It isn’t so easy because I am in relationships with both my mothers, they are both geographically close to me, in addition to emotionally.
I don’t like feeling split; duplicitous.
I remember once someone asking why adoptees don’t like to talk about adoption to their adoptive parents, I said I would rather eat glass and Addie chimed in with “pass the glass”
* * *
I know they want to be supportive of me, but to hear that adoption hurt me, I think makes them feel very uncomfortable. If they go that far with it, and I think at least my amom does.
I know they have conflicting feelings about some aspects of my “situation”, I know they feel protective of me, and themselves.
I also don’t feel they will be honest with me. That they will say what they think they should say in order to “protect” me.
Unfortunately, that they aren’t frank with me makes it harder for me to trust them.
* * *
I think adoption failed them, it wasn’t what they were led to believe it was. For them to be open about this with me, they would be afraid of hurting me.
I am supposed to be just as good as a bio kid, but I am not. I am me, I do not reflect them. I am not a descendent, carrying their genetic basket into the future, I am not an expression of their love for each other.
I don’t have their mannerisms, their habits, their way of looking at the world. My a-aunts granddaughter has my amom’s features, my child, their grandchild has mine, has my nfamilies.
* * *
The guilt I feel for not being the bill of goods they were sold is slaying . I don’t feel I can risk it.
I know if I do talk to them about it, they will say the right thing, I also know that I won’t know what unhappy surprise is waiting for me 9 months down the line. Of course I am exquisitely sensitive to it.
This is weighing on my mind tonight. Adoptees have a job, we are meant to fill a role, it is exhausting.
I've heard this from many adult adoptees -- I've commented before that the saddest line for me in Adopted: the Movie, is when Jen says, "To this point the most dangerous thing I've ever done in my life is bringing up the topic of my adoption with my family."
How do we, as adoptive parents, make it easier for our children to talk to us about their adoption? Is it possible?