1. Are those your real children?Yes, I know all the reasons we shouldn't answer this way -- role-modeling for our kids, people don't intend to be hurtful, etc., but it is fun to imagine!
*No, they're robots from the planet Mergatroid who landed here overnight. Careful, they may zap you with their bacteria-building laser gun.
*Is that your real brain or a loaner from the moron store?
2. Where is their real mother?
*With your husband.
*Out on parole next month. I'll give her your address.
3. Are they orphans?
*Why yes, didn't you catch their cameos in "Annie?"
4. Are your children related?
*Yes, to your father.
*Yes, they're siblings. You know, like your parents.
5. What do they eat?
*Idiots who ask stupid questions.
*Oh, goodness. Am I supposed to feed them?
7. Can we touch their hair to see what it feels like?
*Sure, for $100.
9. Did they eat monkey (kid from Africa), rice (kid from China), borscht (kid from Russia), rice and beans (Central/South America)?
*Yes, because they're walking stereotypes of [insert nationality], just like you're a walking stereotype of an American idiot.
13. Why did you adopt them?
*Because I wanted to gray faster, like you!
*Angelina was busy and Madonna couldn't take the bad publicity.
*Somebody's gotta do the household chores and it's not gonna be me.
*I'm starting a home mail-order business. Free labor!
*It was between them and a Chia pet, and all my plants end up dying.
18. Do they know who their real parents are?
*Yes, the ringmaster and the bearded lady.
*Honestly, does anyone?
*No, do you?
22. What do they call you? Mom?
*They've already adopted the American practice of, "Hey, you."
*'Mom' seems to have that motherly ring to it, which is kind of cool being that I'm their mom.
*They call me mom for the same reason people call you dumb ass. It just fits.
27. Do they speak English?
*Only when they swear.
*Yes. You should try it sometime.
30: Do they still speak (Swahili, Chinese, Spanish, Russian)?
*Only at school. It gets them special ESL accommodations. We're trying to game the system.
*That and five other languages, all fluently.
*Yes, and they're teaching me several new ways to tell you to $#@! off!
The Angrier Adoptee, part 1
1 week ago