At the nub of such concerns is the reality that the nurturing role of an adoptive parent is tough. You are parenting in the present, and that means making sense of the past. If corruption exists in your child’s birth country or may have played a role in your son's adoption, it is your job to give him a truthful account of his past. Otherwise, the child will certainly find out another way, from his peers, other kids' parents, newspaper headlines that scream "Baby Buying" and "Money-Driven Adoption," Facebook, or YouTube. A child who knows the basics about adoption and trafficking, and his own journey to his family, is empowered by knowing. He is in charge of his story.Lots more good info in the article -- I've just given you a few points here -- so be sure to read the whole thing. You might also be interested in these resources at EMK Press: Telling About Trafficking, also by Macrae, and the Impact of Illegal Adoption on One Family by Julia Rollings.
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If facts are not known, parents can offer "what-ifs," possibilities involving the child's pre-adoption history. These aren’t fictional stories, but reasonable possibilities that may have affected our children, given what we know and can deduce about their circumstances from reading, researching, and the news. Describe the situation in the child's birth country, even if it involves closure, a slowdown, or trafficking. Discussions won't be fruitful until the child is about five years old, but it's good practice to start telling the story earlier, in an age-appropriate way. Here's how to open the dialogue:
1. Tune in together…and then discuss. You might watch kids' news programs on television with a younger child. Read and comment on newspapers with an older child. Current affairs shows can spark discussion. Go lightly. You might talk about how trafficked babies might feel, or what it feels like to work in bad factory conditions or have to work as a street beggar as a child.
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2. After talking or watching a TV program together, always "return" to the security of your home and family. End discussions with hugs, and be prepared for emotions as your child processes what she is learning. Kids around this time might like to see copies of their adoption paperwork or citizenship papers. These things reassure them that their adoption is secure.
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6. Listen to what your child says in response to your discussion-starters; her thoughts matter. Provide extra support if you know there are comments in local newspapers about intercountry adoption and "babies for sale." She may take it to heart, and need extra help.
Adoption Initiative Conference 2022
2 years ago
11 comments:
This is really a personal decision, and also depends on the child's age. My DD is 7 years old (as of last month), and we have not touched on the concept that she might have been abandoned due to gender. She still assumes she was abandoned due to the one child policy meaning that her birth parents already had a child. And we just discussed abandonment when she was 6 yrs old.
In my own DDs case, she was in a province that rarely adopts internationally. So, I seriously doubt she was "trafficked" But even if the case was different, and if she was from a province that does have a few known cases of trafficking, IMO, this is an adult issue. And I wouldnt go there with her till she had adult thinking processes.
DD already worries more than she should...she worries about "What if you and Daddy died.....What if Daddy loses his job...." Im not going to add one more worry to the mix for her.
She also grieves that her nanny at the orphanage was unable to adopt her (because she took care of her for a straight 2 years without changing nannies), and she has expressed anger and sadness toward China, about the one child policy....She thinks it's unfair that China has to have such strict rules. So, again, I am not adding to that. It's just too much for a child to comprehend. So, why make them deal with it at such a young age? Maybe Im reading this wrong, and the author is suggest that the "child" is actually older, but if not, I disagree with the author.
Tread lightly.
Empowered yes, but when the instances of said trafficking are so slim and virtually nonexistent in some countries, adding this to the mix could be an unnecessary burden for a young child; it could easily lead to fanciful thinking, perhaps imagining they were not abandoned afterall but rather "taken" from perhaps a royal family or wealthy prestigious family?
We have met both of our children's birth families so this will not be an issue for our family. Yet my heart goes out to those families and children that must wade into this territory.
The author is correct though...one way or another children will hear these headlines and wonder....grounded facts are not a shield, but they might lessen the impact value.
And of course, I pray for an end to anything less than ethical adoptions.
Instead of simply "praying" that the problems go away, how about being proactive? Talk with other adoptive parents. Contact your legislators and senators. Get involved in adoption reform so that we adoptive parents, the driving force/money in the adoption industry, can come together and clearly state, "This is unacceptable and we will not participate in this." Until we do child trafficking for the purpose of adoption will continue to thrive.
And I disagree that it should only be discussed with older children/teens. We live in an Information Overload Age. How long before children start googling topics such as "Chinese Adoption?" It will be sooner than most may imagine. I know from working for more than 20 years in public libraries that even first graders are far more sophisticated computer users than their parents know. By 3rd or 4th grade they are looking up topics that their natural curiosity leads them to, including their own adoptions. Isn't it better to have the discussion start at home in a loving and supportive way rather than thrust upon them in the virtual world or by their classmates? Don't let your child be ambushed with this information.
I agree with the first comment by anonymous. My DD is six and we're just now getting into the entire abadonment issue along with the one child policy. As a mother and a certified early childhood teacher, I find this a totally inappropriate conversation to have with a young child. As my daughter gets older and as we learn more about the trafficking situation in China and DD provence then I will figure out what to say about the topic. I understand that she may learn about this in other ways so I'm not planning to ignore the topic but to let my little one be a child. She has enough on her plate to deal with emotionally and at a very young age.
I agree with the first comment by anonymous. My DD is six and we're just now getting into the entire abadonment issue along with the one child policy. As a mother and a certified early childhood teacher, I find this a totally inappropriate conversation to have with a young child. As my daughter gets older and as we learn more about the trafficking situation in China and DD provence then I will figure out what to say about the topic. I understand that she may learn about this in other ways so I'm not planning to ignore the topic but to let my little one be a child. She has enough on her plate to deal with emotionally and at a very young age.
I agree with the first comment by anonymous. My DD is six and we're just now getting into the entire abadonment issue along with the one child policy. As a mother and a certified early childhood teacher, I find this a totally inappropriate conversation to have with a young child. As my daughter gets older and as we learn more about the trafficking situation in China and DD provence then I will figure out what to say about the topic. I understand that she may learn about this in other ways so I'm not planning to ignore the topic but to let my little one be a child. She has enough on her plate to deal with emotionally and at a very young age.
@ Global Librarian,
Who is to say that I have not been proactive?
Simply because I add a plea for an end for unethical adoptions, in no way invalidates all that I have done or will do to see that through.
And what of you? What are your efforts to date? Or do you prefer to prowl adoption boards/blogs looking to discredit others?
Still need more? How about this: my family and I are founding members of Maria's House; a home in Guatamala for unwed mothers who wish to keep/parent their children but have no means to do so. We provide shelter, clothing, food, education, community outreach and more.
Need more? We have also been to Romania SIX times to tend to the forgotten children of that country...and oh yes, they have been forgotten.
Need more? We fundraised locally and donated collectively over ten thousand dollars to local charities that house women and children at risk.
Pleaes remember that we all don't feel the need to toot our horns or leave resumes when responding.
I would imagine that things get far tougher with teens and young adults who may feel or express anger...I am thinking of the works of adult adoptees such as jane Jeong trenka and others who as adults can articulate the pain of growing up looking different from family and classmates and the recognition of the pain their birth families suffered...
I think honoring their losses and giving them "permission" to grieve cannot be understated as they grow and learn of all they have lost and been separated from. Many try - some in vain - to reconnect with their homeland and feel like strangers in both nations.
This is tough stuff and cannot be understated. I encourage adoptive parents to read Trenka's books and watch some great documentaries on the experiences of internationally and inter-racially adopted people, such as:
“Outside Looking In” by Phil Bertelsen, "Adopted: The Film," "Resilience," "Living on the FAULT LINE: Where race and family meet."
I guess it is really a personal decision, and also depends on the child's age. Great article
@Anonymous #2
I'm sorry if you feel that I was somehow attacking you personally. I did not intend to do that. And I am certain you are a wonderful person who has done many wonderful things.
But I will admit to being frustrated by the tendency among adoptive parents to only talk about the great things about adoption and try to hide the bad and the ugly away.
Corruption within the adoption industry is wide spread and far more rampant that most want to admit. That is a very sad state of affairs. And it will not go away if all people do is hope "somebody" will do something about it, whether that be God or some other group of people.
That fact remains that we, as adoptive parents, are the most powerful force within the adoption world. It is our combined money that fuels this multi-billion dollar international industry. If not for people wanting to get our money, no one would bother to kidnap a child, defraud the child's parents into signing a document they do not understand or any other of the numerous ways that have been found to separate children from their parents for the sake of child trafficking for the purpose of adoption. It is remiss for us to not acknowledge that and actively do something to try to prevent it. Our collective silence is complacency and your comment about "praying" for it to go away struck a raw nerve in me.
I would also hope that any article or discussion about how to talk to our children about adoption corruption and child trafficking would also include tips on what we, both as individuals and as a collective group, can do to prevent it from continuing.
"why make them deal with it at such a young age?"
Because kids on the playground very well may bring it up. They may not say "you were trafficked" or "you were sold" but I can easily envision them hearing "They kill baby girls in china," "They don't like baby girls in China."
Oh yeah-- kids who know a classmate is adopted and Chinese may ask their parents about it at home and this is the kind of uneducated crap they very well may hear from their parents and then repeat it.
Who do you want your child to hear it from first? Them or you?
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