Friday, August 5, 2011

"You seem very anti-adoption at times"

Says a commenter (anonymous, of course!) to this post:
I'm having difficulity understanding why you have two daughters that are adopted from China. You seem very anti-adoption at times.
Either/or. For or against.  Black or white. Guess what?  It's all so much more complicated than that.  If you don't want to deal with complexity in adoption, this probably isn't the right blog for you.

It's pretty funny to be labeled "anti-adoption" when what you're doing is criticizing CHILD TRAFFICKING.  When you're criticizing UNETHICAL ADOPTION. When you're railing against CORRUPTION in international adoption. When you're recognizing that adoption brings GRIEF, PAIN AND LOSS for adoptees and birth families.  When you actually accept the law of the land -- the Hague Convention on adoption -- that says that international adoption is a LAST RESORT.

If that's anti-adoption, then I guess I'm anti-adoption.  Who knew?!

And then the "how can you be anti-adoption if you've adopted" thing?  It's that "if you're not for us, you're against us" crap, I guess. Having "benefitted" from adoption, how DARE you criticize the institution in any way?!

Again, I say, it's more complicated than that.  Yes, I've adopted and it has brought me immeasurable joy.  And it has brought my children loss, pain and grief, as well as joy.  It has brought their birth families loss, pain and grief.  And when corruption and child trafficking enter the picture, adoption brings everyone involved even more loss, pain and grief. The only joy then is in the black hearts of corrupt officials and child traffickers.


And when adoptive parents ignore the hard truth that their experience of adoption is not the same experience as their adopted children and their birth families, when they ignore the hard truths about corruption and trafficking, they are doing damage not just to their children, but to the institution of adoption as well.
 
Frankly, it's going to be the over-reaching of the "pro-adoption" folks that bring an end to international adoption, not anything the so-called "anti-adoption" folks do. Haven't you noticed the pattern?  A country opens to international adoption. . . just a trickle at first.  Then it's push, push, push for more, more, more adoptions from that country.  Now the trickle is a flood of money as more and more and more adoptive parents flock to the country.  And the money brings corruption. . . .  And the country shuts down to international adoption. . . . Wash. Rinse. Repeat.  "Pro-adoption?"  Really workin' out for you, huh?

Label me however you want.  I'll keep blogging about the difficult, complicated, fraught-with ambiguities,  world of adoption.  There are lots of other blogs out there that won't dish up hard truths to make you uncomfortable.

14 comments:

Sunday Koffron said...

High five, fist bump and hecky yeah! Tell it Malinda!

Adoption is complicated and there are only shades of grey. And the truth is seldom pretty.

I for one am glad that you do what you do.

Anonymous said...

thank you an eloquent explanation of how i feel... i will paraphrase your post the next time i'm accused of being anti-adoption

Lori Printy said...

rock on. I may not agree with your every opinion but I greatly respect your effort to raise the conversation to a higher level.

birthmothertalks said...

I like your blog and I like that even though you have adopted that you know adoption isn't all about rainbows and butterflies. Even in the most honest ethical adoptions there is pain involved to all parties. I personally believe as long as profit is made for adoptions we are going to have people taking advantage of it and stepping on whoever they have to make a buck.

Anonymous said...

PLEASE tell me how China is different? Please tell me why it is OK (required) to bring gifts to the people in country involved in adoptions? Please explain why China is better? Please tell me why UNICEF isn't all over China. Money? Please tell my why eyes on are some countries but not China who by all appearances looks to have fraud?

Truly Blessed said...

To Anonymous:

If you really want to educate yourself about the gift giving process in China, here's a link that explains it:

http://www.jazzviolin.com/china/2007/10/05/china-gifts-chinese-gift-etiquette-gift-ideas-in-china-gift-giving-in-china-gift-taboos/

It appears, though, you object to the process, even though gift giving is an important part of the Chinese culture. I can't answer your questions about why UNICEF isn't "all over China" either.

But I wonder why you choose to post Anonymously.

theadoptedones said...

Malinda - what Sunday said...

Welcome to the label...it has perks one of which is the ability to sleep at night knowing you have tried to make a difference...

There is none so blind as those who cannot see...

Karen said...

To be honest, we did bring gifts with us to China, and our guide asked us not to give them to anyone, except to the nanny who had cared for our daughter. And he did accept a book from us (He loves American authors, and was teaching English before he became a guide).
He has been a guide for our agency for more than 15 years, and he said that there is a lot of corruption in the "gift giving" end of adoptions. He said that many times the government officials (notaries, etc) will trade the gift for cigarettes. Some have even suggested giving cigarettes instead of meaningful gifts.
I was glad he said not to give them to anyone else, because frankly, none of the government officials had anything to do with taking care of my daughter, or had a major hand in bringing my daughter home....they were simply doing their jobs for an hour or two. The extra goodies we brought with us were given to the orphanage nannies to share.

Heather said...

You are SO awesome. Just needed to say that. :)

Claudia said...

I loved this:

Frankly, it's going to be the over-reaching of the "pro-adoption" folks that bring an end to international adoption, not anything the so-called "anti-adoption" folks do.

Perfect.

Anonymous said...

Yes, right on!

Anonymous said...

truly blessed - i post anonymous because of the MANY bullies out here. i REALLY want someone to PLEASE tell me how China is different? Please tell me why it is OK (required) to bring gifts (including cash) to the people in country (china) involved in adoptions? Please explain why China is better? Please tell me why UNICEF isn't all over China. Money? Please tell my why eyes on are some countries but not China who by all appearances looks to have fraud?

malinda said...

An anonymous keeps asking:"i REALLY want someone to PLEASE tell me how China is different? Please tell me why it is OK (required) to bring gifts (including cash) to the people in country (china) involved in adoptions? Please explain why China is better? Please tell me why UNICEF isn't all over China. Money? Please tell my why eyes on are some countries but not China who by all appearances looks to have fraud?"

Tell, who here is saying that China is better? Have you looked at all the posts I've done on the adoption problems in China? How many posts about the corruption and kidnapping and baby buying & selling? You won't find a defense of China here. . . .

Pix said...

Yesssssss. Adoption is a complex issue that cannot be neatly put labeled neatly. Totally love your passion and your point!