"Does She Think About Me?"

Maya is talking more and more about her birth parents in the past few weeks.  She's been pretty disinterested up to now, once declaring that talking about adoption was boooorinnggggg!  Even though she's listened in on all of my conversations with Zoe, she needs to plow the same ground for herself. 

The other day she asked, "Do you think my birth mother ever thinks about me?"  I answered that we don't know her birth mother, so we can't know for sure what she's thinking, but that I've talked to lots of birth mothers who say they never stop thinking of their child.  Maya then said, "But she has lots of kids, so I bet she doesn't think about me."  I said we didn't know whether she has brothers and/or sisters in China, but even if she did, I said, I don't think it would make a difference in whether her birth mother still thinks about her.  "I have two kids, and I'd still think about both of you even if I lost one of you."  Maya said, "So you think she'd look at her other kids and there'd be a whole where I'm missing?"  Smart cookie.  "I think it would be exactly like that," I reply.

Telling Maya Her Story

Zoe and Maya woke up before me this morning (we're on vacation -- no alarms!). In the old days, that would mean they'd crawl into bed with me and snuggle. Now, they sneak into the family room to watch cartoons or play on the computer. I miss those days of snuggling, no matter how much I grumbled then about those crack-of-dawn visits!

Every once in a while, Maya will still come to snuggle -- usually, when Zoe has done something to make her mad. That was the case this morning, when mean big sister wouldn't let her plow on Farmville!

Maya and I cuddle, and I sympathize at the extreme cruelty of big sister (not!), and Maya tells me I'm the best mom ever. Then she adds, "All of my moms are best moms!" Wow, this is a big deal -- Maya hardly ever initiates conversations about her birth mom or her foster mom. In fact, she hardly ever initiates any discussion about adoption at all.

But this morning, she was ready to talk. She wanted to know about why her birth mother could not keep her. Of course, she's heard a lot of this before in discussions with Zoe, but this time she WANTED to know. As usual, I had to tell her I didn't know, but that here are some of the reasons (in age-appropriate language) children in China end up in the orphanage -- one child policy, poverty, illness, etc.

We talked about the fact that she was very small when she was found (4 pounds), and that maybe she was born earlier than she was supposed to be, and that it would have been very expensive to take care of her as a baby because of this. We talked about the fact that the information we have said she was found in front of the Women's & Children's Hospital, and that that was a good choice for a sick baby. We talked about her stay at one orphanage and her transfer to another orphanage because she was so sick, and then her stay with her foster family who took care of her so well. We talked about the orphanage sending her paperwork to CCAA to find a forever family for her. And just when I was starting the part of her story where Zoe and Mimi and I went to China to get her, she said, "Wow, I had a lot of people in China who loved me and took good care of me!" What a great realization. . . .

As I said, this isn't the first time Maya has heard all of this, but I realized it was probably the first time she and I had a chance to talk about it without Zoe being there and adding her input! I'm so glad we had that opportunity to talk. And I think Maya is glad, too.

Gift From Foster Family!!!

Maya received her annual package from her Chinese foster family today. Every year for her birthday (coming up Tuesday, Sept. 15), her foster family sends something. Maya is usually the queen of the fake smile picture, but you can see she couldn't contain her joy in this picture -- it just had to spill out in a genuine smile! Maya tells me it makes her feel special that they still remember her. She doesn't really remember them, even though we visited them in 2007 when she was 3, but she loves to look at the pictures,

This year's present was a box full of hair pretties (they were so impressed at how long the girls' hair was when we saw them in 2007). And as usual, they included things for Zoe, too. That has been a real bonus, since Zoe is quite jealous that Maya has a foster family and she does not, that they always include Zoe in the gift.

The first year, they sent two beautifully embroidered and beaded qi paos, one for each girl. The next year, it was two jade pendants. The third year, it was two outfits in the distinctive Miao style. The fourth year, it was a box full of papercuts, enough for a dozen children! (I laminated Maya's favorites -- the Olypic Friendlies -- so she could carry them around, and boy, did she!). And this year, the hair pretties!

They've also included a note, which we'll take to Chinese School tomorrow, and ask someone to translate. There was a picture of a baby in the envelope, too, and I bet it's a child they fostered who has been adopted to the United States. They are probably asking me to help them make contact with her new family. They've done that before, but I didn't have any luck in posting to the relevant lists. Hopefully I'll have better luck this time!

The girls spent all evening playing with their hair -- or more accurately, with each other's hair. What a great gift! And the best gift of all, for Maya, is knowing she was and is loved by her Chinese foster family.

The Wrong Babies

Last night Maya said before bed, “Can we talk some more about ‘Chinese eyes’?” By that I thought she meant the eye-pulling gesture, of course. I asked her if she had been teased like that, too, and she said no. I didn’t know exactly what she wanted to talk about, so I asked. She said, “Why do people do that?” I turned the question around to her: “Why do you think people do it?”

Maya answered promptly, “Because we’re different.” We talked awhile about being different, and how it makes her feel (with Zoe chiming in on how great it is to be different, and Maya not so sure).

Then Maya threw out the real issue on her mind: “Some people might think you got the wrong babies.” After establishing that no one had said that to her, I started to probe at why “some people” might think that and whether MAYA thought that.

She talked about the fact that we didn’t match, that I didn’t have Chinese eyes, and then deviated into what “some people” might be thinking – “Maybe they think we had a Dad and he died, and we grew in your tummy but someone gave you the wrong babies.”

Lots of threads to pull there (the “grow in your tummy” thing, the “no daddy” thing), but the one I wanted to deal with immediately was debunking the “wrong babies” thing. No way do I want Maya thinking she’s somehow the wrong baby because we don’t match.

I’ve never done the “chosen child” thing. For one thing, it’s not true in the sense that I did not PICK my children, the CCAA matched us and offered their referrals. My only choice at that time was to accept or reject. And I agree with the authors of Talking With Young Children About Adoption: “this story line about specialness could become a burden for a child. What is chosen can be unchosen. If one was so special as to be chosen, what will happen if one is ‘bad’ or even ‘average’?”

But when I was thinking my way through how to refute the “wrong babies” idea, I started down the “I chose you” path, until Zoe pulled me up short. “But you didn’t pick us,” Zoe said, “they matched our files in China.”

True enough. But it certainly was my choice to adopt from China. So I started again:

“When I decided I wanted to have children, I chose to adopt, and I chose to adopt from China. I did that knowing that my children would look just the way YOU look, with beautiful Chinese eyes, and gorgeous black hair, and wonderful golden skin. I KNEW we wouldn’t match. I know that sometimes you wish we did match, and that’s OK. But you and Zoe are exactly the right babies for me.”

Then Maya, with her usual want-to-make-everyone-feel-better way, said, “And you’re the exactly right Mama for me!”

Still lots more to talk about, but it seemed a suitable note to go to bed on.

P.S. It just struck me that the catalyst for this discusion might have been Dinosaur Train -- the "wrong egg" in the nest? Hmmmm. If so, I love the show even more! ANYTHING that serves as a springboard for discussing difficult issues is worth viewing!

Dinosaur Train: New PBS Kids Show With Adoption Themes

The girls actually slept late this holiday morning -- 8:45 a.m., believe it or not! When I wandered into the family room a few minutes later, the girls were ensconced on the couch, watching PBS. Maya tells me excitedly, "It's a new show about dinosaurs!" As I watch, I see a little cartoon T-rex calling a Pteranodon "Mom." Hmm.

Sure enough, when I went to the website, I discovered it was, indeed, a trans-species adoption:

Each of the 40 half-hour episodes features Buddy, an adorable preschool age Tyrannosaurus Rex, and his adoptive Pteranodon family as they board the Dinosaur Train and embark on whimsical voyages through prehistoric jungles, swamps, volcanoes and oceans.

The title sequence (which I missed the first time -- but it's back-to-back episode day it seems!) shows the babies hatching from their eggs, and Buddy is different. But Mrs. Pteranodon says he's part of the family even though he is different -- after all, "we're all creatures."

But the thing that amazed me is that the episode seemed to be about searching -- searching for Buddy's species. And Pteranodon mom is in on the search, saying something along the line of, "Don't worry Buddy, we'll keep looking for your species." OK, birth parents weren't mentioned, but still, it's a pretty impressive idea to see in a children's show aimed at 3-6 year olds, that an adoptee might want to know its first family (species) and that the adoptive family is OK with that!

I wasn't sure whether the girls saw the parallel to searching for birth family, but when we talked about the show later, they clearly had. They also saw that Buddy didn't feel quite like he fit into the Pteranodon family (he couldn't catch fish the way they do), and that spurred his interest in finding his species. Zoe also thought that wanting to know his species was like her wanting to learn Chinese and all about China, even if she never finds her birth family.

Adoption isn't the focus of the show; rather, they say they want to harness kids' interest in dinosaurs and trains to teach scientific method. It's a brand-new series on PBS, so I don't know how it will pan out in the long run, but so far I'd give them kudos on the adoption themes.

"Chinese Eyes" Again

We went out for ice cream after dinner tonight, and triggered by the almonds in her Rocky Road ice cream, Zoe said, "At lunch the other day, three boys were doing this (the infamous eye-pulling gesture) and saying 'Chinese eyes! Chinese eyes!' at me."

There was a similar episode at school last year, different boys, and not directed at Zoe, but just done in front of her. She handled it well, but was naturally upset. Tonight she was pretty matter-of-fact about it (I'm not sure if that's an improvement, actually).

I asked what she did, and boy, was I proud of her response: "I said, 'Hey, guys, those aren't Chinese eyes, these (pointing at her own eyes) are Chinese eyes!'" Said, by the way, in the same tone she uses when she thinks I'm an idiot! For once, I was quite impressed with her smart mouth!

We brainstormed over ice cream about what to do about it, and talked about the school rules about teasing and bullying. Zoe hadn't thought of it as bullying, and couldn't really define what bullying was, just that bullying wasn't allowed. She knows from school to tell a grown-up about bullying, but that isn't much help when she doesn't know what bullying is. Seems a flaw in the school's anti-bullying curriculum.

Zoe is still thinking about whether she wants me to tell her teacher about the episode, though she agrees I can tell the teacher of the fault in the anti-bullying program. I've given her until parent-teacher conference in September to decide whether to share about the Chinese-eyes teasing, and with names or without them. Zoe handled it so well I don't feel the need to intervene immediately, but if it happens again, all bets are off.

As I said last time, I am so glad we've been pro-active about the possibility of racial teasing and negative adoption comments and the like. (We've role-played these kinds of situations several times.) I think that really helped Zoe feel empowered to handle this on her own -- which, of course, is when these incidents will happen, when she's not with me, but on her own.

Maya came up with the best response for future use -- she pushed in, rather than pulling out, the corners of her eyes and said, "English eyes! English eyes!" I almost choked on my ice cream!

More about Ponyo

I posted before that after watching Ponyo, Maya said, “It was just like adoption!” I saw more differences than similarities to adoption, so I was curious about how Maya saw it. We talked a bit more about it this week, and here’s a pretty good recounting of our conversation, which was no where near as linear as it appears here. Maya was in a completely silly mood, and was throwing in head stands and cartwheels as we talked! But she provided the opening, so I took it!

Maya: I loved Ponyo. I want to be Ponyo!

Me: It was a good movie, wasn’t it?

Maya: Yes, yes, yes, yes! [the silly goose!]

Me: Have you thought any more about how it was like adoption?

Maya: Yes, Sosuke adopted Ponyo.

Me: Really? Do you think so?

Maya: Yes! He loved Ponyo and he promised to take care of her forever.

Me: Who did he promise that to?

Maya: You know, like you did in China – like the . . . the. . . [groping for the word]president?

Me: Do you mean the government?

Maya: Yes, yes, yes! [I didn’t see any government in the movie -- I was fishing for birth parents!]

Me: Why do you think Ponyo’s parents wanted Sosuke to adopt Ponyo?

Maya: They needed to save the world from the monster fish! They had to stay in the ocean. Ponyo wasn’t a fish anymore so couldn’t stay in the ocean with them. She wanted to be a girl and stay with Sosuke.

Me: How do you think Sosuke felt about that?

Maya: He was happy! I want to be Ponyo! I want to be a fish AND a girl! [we’re losing interest, I think].

Me: How do you think Ponyo’s mom and dad felt about Sosuke adopting Ponyo?

Maya: [long pause for a head stand] Sad. They’ll miss her, but I bet they’ll visit her. I’m a fish, fish, fish!

And as usual, when Maya’s done talking, she is D-O-N-E. I had wanted to ask her a few more questions, like what role she thought Sosuke's mom played in this adoption, but we were DONE!

I'm not sure she had focused before on Ponyo's parents as relinquishing birth parents. She was thinking of adoption from Sosuke's and Ponyo's perspectives, and pretty much disregarded any involvement from grown-ups. That doesn't surprise me msuch, since Maya professes to not being very interested in her birth parents (in contrast to Zoe who is ALL ABOUT her birth parents), and seems to want to avoid talking about them or thinking about them. I think that's why we were D-O-N-E talking when I raised the issue of Ponyo's parents. She didn't want to see that similarity to adoption. But I liked her statement, "I bet they'll visit her." She doesn't see adoption as a complete divorce from the first family, it seems. And that's a good thing!

"It's just like adoption!"

The girls didn't have school today (a parish priest died, and they closed school so people could attend his funeral mass), so we went to see Ponyo. It really is charming, and deserving of all the rave reviews it's been getting. The animation was so much softer than the usual primary/neon animation in vogue in the U.S. these days.

Yes, I know, it's Japanese, not Chinese, so why am I blogging about it?! Because when it ended, Maya turned to me with a beatific smile and said, "It's just like adoption!"

The premise, if you've been living in a cave, is that little goldfish Ponyo meets Sosuke, and wants to be human so she can stay with him. She summons magic that allows this to happen, despite the objections of her sorcerer father. But her magic disturbs the balance of nature, and the world is about to return to a prehistoric world with everyone under water. The only way to restore the balance of nature is for Ponyo to remain a human girl. Her father and mother, the Goddess of Mercy, decide that Sosuke has to pass a test to show his true love for Ponyo before she can become human and remain with him (and his mother Lisa, incidentally, who takes it all in stride and doesn't seem to think it would a problem adding a former fish/child to the family). Sosuke passes the test by affirming his love for Ponyo, and his acceptance of her as a former fish/human child. At the end, Lisa waves to her vanishing parents, saying something to the effect of, "We'll take care of her for you."

So, yes, it's like adoption in some ways -- at least, if we see Sosuke as the one doing the adoption, since he had to pass the homestudy (maybe the "talking all night" between mom Lisa and mom Goddess of Mercy served as the real screening). And the "take care of her for you" part makes it sound more like foster care. Goddess mom said something about Ponyo passing between both humand and water world, so perhaps it's an open adoption. And since there's some suggestion of a romantic interest between Ponyo and 5-year-old Sosuke, it seems a bit awkward if she's his sister!

Still, Maya definitely recognized the adoption themes in this movie, and was really happy to see that.

On Being Different

I threw this question, "How does it feel to be Chinese," at Maya after she sang me some Chinese songs. I was sort of expecting a noncommital "OK," instead of "Different."

Maya's preschool class was pretty diverse -- 13 kids in the class, with one African-American, one Hispanic, one Lebanese, one Chinese. And Maya realized she was the only Chinese. And that made her different.

Zoe & Maya Talk Adoption -- On Video

I bought a new toy -- a FlipUltra digital video camera! I was trying it out on the girls at lunch yesterday (yes, the chicken & dumplings lunch!), and since we were in a restaurant, I "interviewed" them. So now they think that's all the camera is for! So they don't want to dance, show me cartwheels, etc. They want to be interviewed!

Here's my interview of Zoe about adoption -- her choice of topic.

And then Zoe interviewed Maya:

As you can see, my two girls have very different attitudes toward their birth parents. It might be age -- Maya is 5; it might be a deliberate attempt to be different on Maya's part; it might be difference in personality. But it is undoubtedly different. As influential as Zoe usually is with Maya, the fact that Maya sticks to her guns on this one suggests it is a very genuine opinion.

"You're my only mom . . . "

So said Maya last night, "You're my only mom," and then there was this pause, hardly detectable, "that I ever met."

Hmmmm. Another mom tells me her daughter sometimes says that, "You're my only mom," and she replies, "Well, you have a birth mom. . . . " I suggested, since this is a repeated thing for her daughter, to ask her why she says that since she knows very well she also has a birth mom.

Did I practice what I preached? Nope. I was, instead, quick to point out that, though she doesn't remember her, she "met" her birth mom when she was born. No response from Maya.

An Ethical Adoption Tale in One Act

“My name is Jackie. Will you adopt me?”

There’s Maya, standing in front of me with the hood of her hoodie pulled up, saying in her little Betty Boop voice, “Will you adopt me?” This is the first time I can remember Maya initiating adoption play. I don't know what spurred it -- leaving preschool with kindergarden looming? the Miss Spider video? making the rice baby? Zoe's latest adoption meltdown? All of the above? None of the above?

After our play was over, and I was thinking about it, I realized we had touched on a number of the basic prerequisites of ethical adoption as I see it. I wasn’t doing it on purpose, it just seemed to play out that way! So here it is, An Ethical Adoption Tale in One Act, directed by Maya, additional narration by me.

“My name is Jackie. Will you adopt me,” Maya asks.

“Oh, dear. Have you lost your mommy? Do you need me to help you find her?” [First point, family preservation & investigation to make sure child is truly adoptable.]

Maya replies, “I don’t have a mommy. I live in an orphanage.”

“Then I will adopt you. I promise to love you and take care of you forever.” ((HUGS)). [Second point for ethical adoption, permanency.]

Maya reminds me, “You need to name me Maya.”

I reply, “I thought your name was Jackie. Do you want to keep that name? Or do you want to be Jackie Maya or Maya Jackie?” [Third point in ethical adoption, cultural preservation.]

Maya rejects that idea, she wants to be Maya Noelle BingLi. [Yes, indeed, this story is about her, not some fictional Jackie! And when she rejected "cultural preservation," I went where she directed.]

I then say, “OK, I’ve adopted you, will you adopt me? Will you promise to love me and take care of me forever?” Fourth point – voluntary consent (usually of birth parents, but in our story Maya stood in their place).]

Maya agrees, and there are more hugs. She then asks me to adopt her sister Zoe, and we go through the same ritual with her, with me promising to love her and care for her forever, and her promising to love me and care for me forever. Zoe and Maya decide they don't have to adopt each other since they're already sisters. [Fifth point – keeping siblings together when at all possible.]

We were at Mimi’s house, so Maya pretended to drive to meet her for the first time. They discover they have the same last name and therefore must be family! [Last point – acceptance by extended family and the community, the adopted child having the same status as biological children.]

Maya enjoyed all the play-acting and all the hugging, and seemed quite content with how the story played out. It will be interesting to see if she wants to repeat this game.

Postcard Submissions

Did you remember that the submission deadline for the G2 Global Girls postcard project is TOMORROW, March !? If you forgot, get busy! (Being grand procrastinators we finished ours this morning!) Above are Zoe's and Maya's postcard pictures, and below are the backs of the postcards with the messages the girls wrote (actually, Maya dictated hers, and I wrote it.)

As you can see, Zoe's picture is a sad birth mother and a happy me. Maya's picture has her and the hospital she was found near and the airplane that took her to America (the tree is there because she thinks maybe she was found near a tree).

Zoe wrote: This is a picture of my birth mother and my forever mother (sorry, Mei Ling!). My birth mother is sad because she misses me and had to give me away. My forever mother is happy because she gets to see me and love me every day. I miss my birth mother and she misses me too! I love my birth mother and my forever mother. Love, Zoe S. p.s. Adoption is both happy and sad and that's ok.

Maya wrote: To my China mothers: Thank you birth mother for carrying me in your tummy. I'm 5 years old (the one fact her birth mother already knows!). I play soccer and dance ballet. Thanks foster mama for taking care of me. I go to Chinese School. Maybe I can speak Chinese to you when I see you again. Why are bats lucky? Love, Maya.

So who else submitted? What do your submissions look like? What did your kids write?

Letting Me Go/My Two China Mothers

Zoe and Maya wanted to do some arts and crafts after school today, but couldn't do their usual cutting-paper projects (they LOVE to cut paper, evidenced by the tons of teeny-tiny paper pieces littering the entire house!) because Zoe is grounded from scissors (she cut her sister's dress with scissors this week, a kind of on-purpose/accident -- they were supposed to be picking up in the family room, and Maya wasn't working hard enough to satisfy Zoe (Maya NEVER works hard enough -- personal energy conservation is her creed!), so Zoe threatened to cut her dress if she didn't clean. She poised them threateningly with Maya's hem between the blades. . . . and the predictable happened! Oh, and then she LIED about it! Hence, the grounding!)

So we took a crack at the CAL/G2 Girls postcard project, since we wouldn't be using any implement more dangerous than a pencil! We're just at the "sloppy copy" stage, but here's what they've written so far, having chosen the "Love Letters to My Mothers" topic:

Letting Me Go by Zoe:

This is a picture of my birth parents letting me go. I wonder about you and think about how much fun I could've had if you didn't let me go. I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings by saying I wish you didn't let me go. I hope you are wondering that, too.

I enjoy TX. I wish that you could come to TX and stay with me for a while.

Your daughter, Zoe

P.S. I (heart) U!

Zoe's writing strikes me as a little angry -- she's sorry she hurts their feelings when she says I wish you didn't let me go, which seems to show that she knows it SHOULD hurt their feelings. Saying that someone did something wrong/bad is what hurts people's feelings. . . . And she added the P.S. I love you after she heard Maya "sign" her card "Love, Maya."

And Xiaoli's visit really has made her wonder if other Chinese people -- including her birth parents -- could come stay with us a while in Texas.

To My China Mothers by Maya:

Thank you Birth Mother for carrying me in your tummy and giving me my black hair and my Chinese eyes and my talents. I wish you didn't let me go.

Thank you Foster Mother for taking care of me so well. I'm glad I got to see you again when I was 3. Even if I didn't remember you.

That's all.

Love, Maya

Maya's postcard is influenced by working on her "My China Workbook," with the pages about looking like birth parents and inheriting certain things from them. And "I whish you didn't let me go" is straight Zoe!

Maya dictated the note to me, and is now laboriously copying it in her own handwriting. I expect that the note will get shorter as we go along (see above, re: personal energy conservation!).

Is anyone else planning to do the project?

BOOOOOORINGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

After dinner this evening, Zoe came to me very officiously with her legal pad and pencil and asked if we had time "to talk about adoption." Of course! So we talked, and she's working on a blog post about sad things and happy things in adoption. Don't know when she'll finish, Miss Perfectionist that she is, but I'll post when she decides it's ready!

In an attempt to give Maya equal time -- always difficult with dominant-conversationalist Zoe in the mix -- I asked her if she wanted to talk about adoption, too. "No," she said, "It makes me feel . . . (I'm anticipating what the word will be -- sad? mad?) . . . boring!"

OK, so what DO you want to talk about? "Birthdays!" And that means all her past birthday parties, not her actual BIRTH DAY!

Here's her favorite birthday picture -- her first birthday in China. She calls it her "balloon birthday." We know it's her first birthday from the date on the photo -- but I don't know if the balloons were for her, or if they are decorating a car for a wedding. I don't tell her that, though!)We don't know who the other girl is -- her foster mom just said "a neighborhood girl."

What if we got a divorce?

Last night at dinner, Zoe says, "Did you know M's parents are getting a divorce?" M is a school friend, and yes, I knew. "Why do people get divorced," Zoe asks. I explain the best I can and finish up by saying, "Getting a divorce is a grown-up problem, and it doesn't have anything to do with what kids do. Even though M's parents are getting divorced, they still love her and will always be her parents." Zoe immediately made the connection: "Like my birth parents couldn't keep me for grown-up reasons but they're still my parents." Right! And here I thought we WEREN'T talking about adoption!

Then this morning, after dropping Zoe at school, I'm driving Maya to school. She's talking about "Bambi," the book she decided to take to school for her teacher to read (My kids laugh at me because I won't watch "Bambi" or read the book because it makes me cry! The little savages.). We veer between Bambi's mother's death, to Little Foot in the "Land Before Time," whose mother dies, "but his grandparents take care of him." I'm kind of gearing up for a "what if YOU die" question that never comes.

Instead, Maya asks, "What if we get a divorce?"

"I'm not married, sweetie, so there isn't any divorce," I say.

"NO! WHAT IF??? [Maya hates it when I fight the hypothetical -- you'd think I'd be more sympathetic about it, since I hate it when my students fight the hypothetical!] One conversation I distinctly recall -- "What if God was dead?" she asks. I respond, "But God isn't dead." Immediate response from Maya: "NO! WHAT IF????" I'm trying to figure out a response to that theological/metaphysical conundrum when Zoe, thankfully, answers for me: "Jesus would be very sad because God is his father." Whew, that satisfies Maya, so I dodged a bullet that time!]

Maybe I can get away with a clarifying question: "What if WHO gets a divorce -- you and me?"

"YES! What if we get a divorce?"

Ohhhhhh! Now I think I know what this is about. "Moms and kids don't get a divorce! I'm your mama forever and you're my daughter forever."

Next question: "Will we always love?" Shoot, I did say maybe people get a divorce because they don't love each other any more.

"Oh, yes," I say. "I will always love you forever and ever. Even if I'm mad, even if I'm sad, I'll always love you (these are familiar words to her, I always say them when they've gotten into trouble somehow!)" By this time we're at school, so I tickle her and say, "You can't get rid of me that easily -- I'm yours forever and you're mine forever. You're STUCK with me, so there!" She laughs and laughs, and into school we go. She happily settles in for the day, and barely glances back at me as she waves goodbye, our special wave with a sign-language "I love you."

See, it's not just hard stuff like adoption we talk about. Sometimes we talk about divorce and the death of God. ARRRRGGGHHHHH!

Belly Buttons and Birth Parents

I loved Carol's idea of incorporating the belly button in the adoption story, how your belly button connected you to your birth mother, and how you can remember that every time you look at your belly button. So when Maya asked last night at dinner (we went out to celebrate her birthday) for me to tell her "about all my birthdays," I thought I'd work that in. I didn't get very far, though. I said, "Five years ago today you were born in China, and that's what make's today your birthday. You were connected to your birth mother in her tummy until it was time for you to be born." Maya interrupted, "NO! Not about THAT! Tell me about the balloon birthday!" (We have a picture of her first birthday in China (she was with her foster family then), and she's standing next to a bunch of balloons). Hmm, not willing to go there, it seems. So we talked about her first birthday party (balloons is all I know), her second birthday party (teddy bear picnic in the park), etc. Just the parties, ma'am!

While we were talking, Zoe was scribbling on a napkin. She drew a picture of a birthday cake and wrote "Happy Birthday" -- a card for Maya. I was pleased to see that, since Zoe had been pretty rotten to Maya all day, since Maya was getting all the attention. Then Zoe wrote out the questions, above. I'm sure my mention of Maya's birth mother spurred the note, but I'm enough of a cynical mommy to think she was also yanking my chain to get her fair share of attention!

Is today really my REAL birthday?

Today is the day we celebrate Maya's 5th birthday! She has been so excited about turning 5; last night when I was trying to get the girls ready for bed, I told Maya she needed to go to sleep quickly because she'd be waking up in the morning as a 5-year-old. She closed her eyes and laid down on the floor and said, "I'm asleep!" I said, "So you want to skip your night-time video and go straight to bed?" (I pretty much knew the answer to that one!) No, Maya said, "I'll just fall asleep watching the video and you can carry me to bed!" (She didn't, and then the girls stayed awake in their beds for 2 hours, too wound up to sleep!) Today at her school we'll have pizza and cupcakes and juice (and apple slices, since mama wants to offer something healthy!). What a joyous day!

Then this morning at breakfast, Maya asked, "Is today really my REAL birthday?" Hmm, how to answer? We don't really know her REAL birthday. She was estimated to be born today and found three days later (we're luckier than many -- it's likely that her birthday is really right around the 15th, probably only off by a few days, since you can pretty much gauge age by umbilical cord when they're that little. Kids found when they are older can't even know if they are in the ballpark.)

TELL THE TRUTH. Isn't that what I advocated in an earlier post? OK. But how about figuring out exactly what she's asking? "What do you mean, Maya? Are you asking if this is like Saturday when we celebrated with Uncle Phillip and the boys since they wouldn't be in town today?" Maya: "Yes! Is today my REAL birthday?" Mama: "Today is really your OFFICIAL birthday!"

It's the truth. Not the whole truth, but the truth. And, I think, truth enough for today.

I was brand-new

We watch a "night-time video" each evening as part of our going-to-bed routine. Tonight's pick, "Baby Bear Gets a Little Sister" or something to that effect (I'm too lazy to walk into my room to check out the real title -- it's been a long day). Baby Bear's sister is born to the family, not adopted, BTW.

During the show, Maya is snuggling up next to me and says, "When you met me you were sooooo happy!" "Yes, I was," I reply, "I was soooooo happy I cried!" (she thinks it's funny that grownups cry when they're happy). Maya continues, "I was brand new. . . . Well, I was brand new to you, but not to the world because I'd been there before." Yes, indeed!