Gift From Foster Family!!!

Maya received her annual package from her Chinese foster family today. Every year for her birthday (coming up Tuesday, Sept. 15), her foster family sends something. Maya is usually the queen of the fake smile picture, but you can see she couldn't contain her joy in this picture -- it just had to spill out in a genuine smile! Maya tells me it makes her feel special that they still remember her. She doesn't really remember them, even though we visited them in 2007 when she was 3, but she loves to look at the pictures,

This year's present was a box full of hair pretties (they were so impressed at how long the girls' hair was when we saw them in 2007). And as usual, they included things for Zoe, too. That has been a real bonus, since Zoe is quite jealous that Maya has a foster family and she does not, that they always include Zoe in the gift.

The first year, they sent two beautifully embroidered and beaded qi paos, one for each girl. The next year, it was two jade pendants. The third year, it was two outfits in the distinctive Miao style. The fourth year, it was a box full of papercuts, enough for a dozen children! (I laminated Maya's favorites -- the Olypic Friendlies -- so she could carry them around, and boy, did she!). And this year, the hair pretties!

They've also included a note, which we'll take to Chinese School tomorrow, and ask someone to translate. There was a picture of a baby in the envelope, too, and I bet it's a child they fostered who has been adopted to the United States. They are probably asking me to help them make contact with her new family. They've done that before, but I didn't have any luck in posting to the relevant lists. Hopefully I'll have better luck this time!

The girls spent all evening playing with their hair -- or more accurately, with each other's hair. What a great gift! And the best gift of all, for Maya, is knowing she was and is loved by her Chinese foster family.

Talking to Someone Else's Kid About Adoption

Since the "Are they orphans?" episode, I've thought of other times I've used the "deflect and educate" strategy. I use it with adults a LOT, but also with kids other than my own (it doesn't seem to work as well with my kids -- and I'm not usually trying to deflect with them).

I think part of why I deflect with other kids is that I'm always a little leery about talking to someone else's kids about adoption. Sometimes other parents don't want their kids to hear my views about adoption -- or anything else, for that matter! (There's a little girl who won't be waiting for late parents to pick her up after ballet anymore, I'm sure, since her dad walked in on my addressing her statement that "Obama is BAD because he called a lady a pig." I was explaining the whole "lipstick on a pig" thing. I'm pretty sure they'll be timely from now on, for fear of what "the crazy Obama lady" will be telling their child! (I promise, I did not raise the issue with the child -- I was talking election stuff with another parent when she interjected her comment!). So I talk adoption or China or race with someone else's kid ONLY when that kid raises it. I never do it on my own, though sometimes I have to say something on the topic to Zoe or Maya within the hearing of other kids!

I've never had a parent say anything to me about what I've said to their children, though I have had parents call me about what Zoe has said! The time, for example, that Zoe took pictures of our trip to China to get Maya to Kindergarten -- we had talked about what she was going to say, marked ONLY the touristy pictures in the album, and then she told the whole class about Maya's foster parents, defining foster parents, and saying that they were not her birth parents, and defining birth parent for them! The teacher said the kids were mesmerized! I can't even imagine all the conversations at the dinner table that night, but I know of a few of them, because the parents called me. Sigh. And then the time on a play date when Zoe told her friend all about being left in a box and the one child policy and social preference for boys. I got a call from the mom that night -- she was OK with it, but her husband was pissed that his daughter got such a taste of the real world.

So where are the lines on talking to someone else's kids about adoption? Are there any?

Another "It's Not Fair!" Moment

Zoe has been intrigued by the fact that our blogger-friend Mei-Ling is in Taiwan meeting her birth family. She's reacted positively, very curious about the whole process. The other day, though, it was too much for her: "It's just not fair that some people can meet their birth parents and some people can't! Mei-Ling can, and P. can (a friend from Korea) but I CAN'T!"

We had lots of tears and cuddling after that, because she's right, of course -- it ISN'T fair, and there's no getting around it. I know that I can't fix it, that I can only commiserate, but I had to try. I reminded her about her desire at age 3 to call her birth mom, so she made a pretend phone call, leading up to suggesting she can always "talk" to her birth family in her head. Zoe was completely uninterested in that suggestion., as illustrated by significant eye-rolling! Maya asked me, "Did I do that, too make pretend phone calls?" No, I told her, she never was very interested in talking about or to her birth parents when she was 3 (or now, for that matter).

And then Zoe pulled out another "it's not fair" -- "Maya doesn't NEED to call her birth family. She has a FOSTER family in China," she declared. Hmm, I knew that sibling rivalry/jealousy was simmering, but Zoe hasn't said much about it. Maya's foster family is good about including Zoe when they send letters, cards, and gifts. But that's not quite the same as having her OWN foster family, a real live Chinese family who cared for you and loved you and who, unlike your unknown birth parents, you don't have to imagine, wonder about, pretend about.

We pulled out Zoe's life book and concentrated on the pages about the nannies at the orphanage, and Zoe especially wanted to hear about the one called Po Po (grandmother in Chinese). We're lucky to have pictures from the orphanage, with a nanny holding Zoe while feeding her a bottle, with another nanny playing with her, with Po Po holding her. It's not a foster family, but it shows real live people in China who cared for her and loved her.

And it's not what she really wants, to know who her birth family is, to meet them. The possibility of that happening is remote.

And that's not fair.

Adoption Book List

OK, here's my ultimate adoption book list! I've mentioned that I'm pretty OCD about adoption books for kids, right? Well, we actually own all of these books, which is completely ridiculous.

I thought it might be helpful to try to categorize them. I tried to come up with all the possible adoption topics, and then arranged the books accordingly. A lot of these topics are only mentioned, and if mentioned, I've included it. I've put a star if I think a book has done a particularly good job. Also, I've only put a hot-link the first time I mentioned the book, so if you see one under a heading that interests you, look up the list and you'll find a link to it.

Have fun! Tell us about your favorites, and let me know if you've got something that belongs on the list!

Children's Books About Adoption

Birth
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
How I Was Adopted
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey
Twice-Upon-a-Time: Born and Adopted *

Birth Parents

General
The Best Single Mom in the World
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near *
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
My Family is Forever
When You Were Born in China
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
You’re Not My REAL Mother!
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?
I Wished For You Motherbridge of Love
At Home in This World
Every Year on Your Birthday

Twice Upon-a-Time

Grief
The Mulberry Bird *
Before I Met You
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Loss
The Mulberry Bird
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?

Love
The Best Single Mom in the World
The Mulberry Bird
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
When You Were Born in China
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
Adoption Is For Always
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You *
Did My First Mother Love Me?
Motherbridge of Love

Birth Siblings
Kids Like Me in China
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *
At Home in this World *

Placement Reasons

General
The Best Single Mom in the World
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
Did My First Mother Love Me?
At Home in this World

Too Young
The Mulberry Bird *
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Adoption Is For Always

Twice Upon-a-Time
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Single Parenthood
The Mulberry Bird *

Twice Upon-a-Time

When You Were Born in China
Adoption Is For Always
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Homelessness
The Mulberry Bird

Poverty
When You Were Born in China

Child’s Illness/Disability
Kids Like Me in China
When You Were Born in China

Death/Illness/Disability of Parent
Before I Met You
At Home in this World
Horace

One Child Policy
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Kids Like Me in China *
Before I Met You
When You Were Born in China *
At Home in this World *

Social Preference for Boys
Kids Like Me in China *
Before I Met You
When You Were Born in China
At Home in this World

Abandonment (Method of Placement)
Kids Like Me in China
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey *
Before I Met You *

We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

Post-Placement Care

Orphanage
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
Our Baby From China
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You *
White Swan Express
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

A Quilt of Wishes
Every Year on Your Birthday

Foster Family
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Before I Met You
The Whole Me *

Twice Upon-a-Time
Emma’s Yucky Brother
At Home in this World

Adoptive Parents

Reasons for Adoption

General
The Best Single Mom in the World *
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
A Blessing From Above
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Our Baby From China
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Horace
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

Infertility
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born *

Screening/Application

General
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Agency
The Best Single Mom in the World *
All About Adoption
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always

Social Worker
The Mulberry Bird
All About Adoption *
The Whole Me
Emma’s Yucky Brother
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Waiting/Preparing
Happy Adoption Day
The Mulberry Bird
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
I Wished For You
A Quilt of Wishes *
Twice Upon-a-Time

Referral/The Call
Happy Adoption Day
The Best Single Mom in the World
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies
Our Baby From China
All About Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born *
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
How I Was Adopted
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
I Wished For You
Over the Moon *

Travel
Happy Adoption Day
The Best Single Mom in the World
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Our Baby From China
Over the Moon
White Swan Express *
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

First Meeting
The Best Single Mom in the World
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Our Baby From China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
White Swan Express
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
I Wished For You
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey (meeting dad)

Returning Home
Happy Adoption Day
Three Names of Me
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Our Baby From China
Over the Moon
White Swan Express
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
How I Was Adopted
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey *

Meaning of Adoption/Permanence
Mommy Far, Mommy Near *
All About Adoption
Adoption Is For Always *
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Adopted Child

Adoptee’s Feelings

Desire/Need for family
A Mother For Choco
Little Miss Spider
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Happiness
The Best Single Mom in the World
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me *
We See the Moon
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Sadness
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Before I Met You *
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
The Whole Me
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Confusion/Nervousness/Fear
The Mulberry Bird
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You *
The Whole Me
Adoption Is For Always
Emma’s Yucky Brother *
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

Loss
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
We See the Moon *
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You

Anger

Lucy's Feet
The Mulberry Bird
All About Adoption
Before I Met You
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *

Questions/Curiosity about Birth Family
The Mulberry Bird
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey
At Home in this World *
Three Names of Me *
We See the Moon *
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
My Family is Forever
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Search for Birth Family
OwlCat
The Great Call of China (young adult book)

Non-Traditional Families/Adoption

Trans-Racial

Lucy's Family Tree *
A Mother For Choco *
Little Miss Spider
Horace
OwlCat
A Blessing From Above
Chinese Eyes
I Don’t Have Your Eyes
You’re Not My REAL Mother!
Happy Adoption Day
Three Names of Me *
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption

An American Face *
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

At Home in this World
Every Year on Your Birthday

Single

The Little Green Goose (single dad)
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
White Swan Express
The Best Single Mom in the Whole World *
A Blessing From Above
White Swan Express
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

Gay/Lesbian
White Swan Express

Non-Infant Adoption
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
All About Adoption
The Whole Me
Emma’s Yucky Brother *

Siblings, Adopted and Bio

Waiting for May *
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
A New Barker in the House
Emma’s Yucky Brother
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
My Mei Mei *

Scrapbooking

Sorry I've been so delinquent in blogging -- it seems I can handle only one obsession at a time, and right now I'm working on Maya's travel scrapbook. Yes, with the fourth anniversary of our adoption trip for Maya imminent, I'm finally getting around to working on her scrapbook! Two weekends ago I did an all-weekend crop, and managed to get through referral, travel, Beijing, gotcha moment, first day together, and finalization of adoption -- about 15 pages.

Maya is thrilled, and each morning she asks me if I've done any more pages while she was sleeping! That's motivated me to another 15 pages, and I've gotten us all the way through our stay in Nanning, and we're heading into Guangzhou. Of course, the most meaningful moments in Nanning were getting Maya and finalizing her adoption. Second comes visiting Mother's Love Orphanage and meeting Maya's foster mother and foster sister.

I promise to be a more diligent blogger in the future! But I have enjoyed getting back into scrapbooking after a hiatus of about 4 years, and also enjoyed revisiting that special trip to China.

Letting Me Go/My Two China Mothers

Zoe and Maya wanted to do some arts and crafts after school today, but couldn't do their usual cutting-paper projects (they LOVE to cut paper, evidenced by the tons of teeny-tiny paper pieces littering the entire house!) because Zoe is grounded from scissors (she cut her sister's dress with scissors this week, a kind of on-purpose/accident -- they were supposed to be picking up in the family room, and Maya wasn't working hard enough to satisfy Zoe (Maya NEVER works hard enough -- personal energy conservation is her creed!), so Zoe threatened to cut her dress if she didn't clean. She poised them threateningly with Maya's hem between the blades. . . . and the predictable happened! Oh, and then she LIED about it! Hence, the grounding!)

So we took a crack at the CAL/G2 Girls postcard project, since we wouldn't be using any implement more dangerous than a pencil! We're just at the "sloppy copy" stage, but here's what they've written so far, having chosen the "Love Letters to My Mothers" topic:

Letting Me Go by Zoe:

This is a picture of my birth parents letting me go. I wonder about you and think about how much fun I could've had if you didn't let me go. I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings by saying I wish you didn't let me go. I hope you are wondering that, too.

I enjoy TX. I wish that you could come to TX and stay with me for a while.

Your daughter, Zoe

P.S. I (heart) U!

Zoe's writing strikes me as a little angry -- she's sorry she hurts their feelings when she says I wish you didn't let me go, which seems to show that she knows it SHOULD hurt their feelings. Saying that someone did something wrong/bad is what hurts people's feelings. . . . And she added the P.S. I love you after she heard Maya "sign" her card "Love, Maya."

And Xiaoli's visit really has made her wonder if other Chinese people -- including her birth parents -- could come stay with us a while in Texas.

To My China Mothers by Maya:

Thank you Birth Mother for carrying me in your tummy and giving me my black hair and my Chinese eyes and my talents. I wish you didn't let me go.

Thank you Foster Mother for taking care of me so well. I'm glad I got to see you again when I was 3. Even if I didn't remember you.

That's all.

Love, Maya

Maya's postcard is influenced by working on her "My China Workbook," with the pages about looking like birth parents and inheriting certain things from them. And "I whish you didn't let me go" is straight Zoe!

Maya dictated the note to me, and is now laboriously copying it in her own handwriting. I expect that the note will get shorter as we go along (see above, re: personal energy conservation!).

Is anyone else planning to do the project?

Foster Families

An adoption list I'm on has been talking about foster families, and I was reminded of this photo of foster moms at Mother's Love Orphanage. We had adopted Maya 3 days before, and had returned to the orphanage to meet her foster family and tour the orphanage. All the foster moms were kept in one office with a small window in the door. Adoptive families and foster families were brought together one at a time in another office.

I took this picture as we were leaving Mother's Love after our meeting with Maya's foster mom and foster sister -- other foster moms were standing on tip-toe straining for one last glimpse of their babies. through the small window. I can never quite get that sight out of my mind.

You can read about that first visit with Maya's foster family here.

Dear Birth Mother, Dear Foster Mother

They tell us Maya was born today; you know for sure, her birth mother. Is today the day you think of her? Are there any days you don’t think of her? She was only 4 pounds when she was found. Was she born early? Had she been sick? Is that why she was taken to the Women & Children’s Hospital and placed at the gate? Did you have a hand in that? I think that decision saved her life.

She struggled in her first two months, gaining only 2 pounds. Was she grieving? Was she sick? Was she over-looked? Were the nannies overwhelmed? The people at Guiping SWI were worried about her, it seems – they sent her to Mother’s Love Orphanage, because they had doctors and better food and more nannies. They saved her life. And odd how things happen, it was on my birthday that Guiping SWI gave Maya her second chance at life by transferring her to Mother's Love.

She grew and thrived at Mother’s Love, and when she was healthy enough, at age 8 months, Mother’s Love found a foster family to take care of Jin Bing Li, our Maya. Foster mom, I always think about the letter you wrote me, telling me of the first time you saw Maya. She was in her crib, and her hair had worn off in the back because she spent so much time lying down. You cried, and whispered to her, “Mama is here to take you home.” You took her home and taught her what a family is, what hugs and kisses are. You showed her, with your love, that life is worth living.

You asked me if she cried the first night I put her to bed. I told you yes, but only for a few minutes. She let me comfort her in her grief, and let me rock her to sleep. The next morning I woke up to her patting me on the cheek, wanting a hug.

We thank you, foster mama, for your loving care. And for sending Maya a birthday gift each year. Thank you so much for keeping in touch. I’m glad we got to see you again when Maya was 3; she often asks if we can go back to China and see you. I tell her we will. I know you are thinking of her today.

Today, Maya turns 5. She is a miraculously happy child. I was worried when I got her referral – 3 days with her birth family, 2 months at Guiping SWI, 6 months at Mother’s Love, 10 months with her foster family – how does any child handle so many changes? We’d be her 5th placement. Would she be broken? She was, miraculously, whole.

She was and is so strong, so loving, so laid-back, so smart, so funny! She loves to play dress-up, to spin and spin until she falls down, to draw, to dance. She's working hard to do a headstand and a cartwheel. She hates to clean up, and always needs to go potty when it's clean-up time -- what a coincidence! She’s my cuddlebug, and always ready to snuggle. She’s decided she only likes “boy things,” and is having a dinosaur party today. But she still wanted to wear a flower dress! She says “I love you, Mama” three or four times a day, and my heart swells each time. She and Zoe love each other so much. She completes us as a family. She fills our lives with love and laughter.

I can hardly remember a time when Maya wasn’t a part of us. But I know she was once part of your families as well. We all share in what she has become, each in our own way. Today is a day for all of us to remember, to cry, and to rejoice in this child.

Love,
malinda

regular mother