More scanning faces. . .

I posted Friday about my conversation with Zoe about her scanning Chinese faces, looking for her birth parents even here in America. Here's some more food for thought:

From an adoptee's perspective, a link to a previous post -- another story by Tai Dong Huai, the adult Chinese adoptee who writes fiction related to adoption (I posted her story, Backwards , last month). In Chinaman's Chance, her 13-year-old self thinks a Chinese woman her mother brought home might be her birth mother:

This is her , I think to myself. A billion-to-one shot, a near impossibility, yet here she stands. In our kitchen. As if hell just froze over.

"This is Mrs. Lim," my adoptive mom says. "Mrs. Lim, my daughter Leah."

Mrs. Lim's is as razor thin as I am. Her hair, like mine, is very dark brown, black by most light. My 13-year-old nose, uncustomarily long for an Asian girl, seems to be reflected in her middle-aged face.

* * *

I hear my mom on the front porch and I know my time with Mrs. Lim is almost through. My adoptive dad, were he here to give me advice in this situation, would probably say, "Go for it," or "Swing for the fences." So I do.

"Are you my mother?" I ask.

Mrs. Lim stares at me for a few long seconds, and I'm afraid at first that she doesn't understand. I'm sorry, I'm about to say. Stupid question. But she interrupts my thoughts as the front door opens.

"Your mother," she says, "just came in."

And thanks to Lori's link in the comments, scanning faces from a Chinese birth mother's perspective at Mortimer's Mom's blog:

This afternoon, I was at Reno-Depot (Canadian home depot, except green) with Dumpling, picking out paint for her attic playroom.

There was an Asian couple also trying to select paint, and I could tell the lady wanted to talk to me but was too shy.

* * *

They did turn out to be Chinese, . . .Then he told me his wife was having a hard time because she didn't speak either languages, but also because in Montreal there are really a lot of white families with chinese girls, and it's very hard on her.

At first I thought he meant she was opposed to international adoptions or something, but the rest of their story brought me to my knees, right there in the paint department. They have a six year old daughter. But they also have a 3 year old daughter. They lived in Shanghai at the time of their 2nd daughter's birth and were unable to keep her. They had to give her to an orphanage. 6 months afterwards, their papers came to allow them to travel to Canada. After he told me this, he told his wife what he had told me and she began to weep openly, while caressing my daughter's face.

* * *

The part that was the most thought provoking to me is this: I read Lost Daughters of China, I've thought about my daughter's birth family often, but this had never occured to me before: some of these parents will emigrate. Some of them will come to Canada and the US. They are confronted with happy families caring for Chinese children and must wonder if their own daughters are here in North America, if they made it, if they have families now....

How is it that in this entire process, I have never once given the thought to these parents ever leaving China? Why did I assume they ALL stayed there? I realise that the numbers who do emigrate are low, and the chances of any reunification for ANY of the daughters of China are astronomically small, but that woman today, she is looking for her daughter in the faces of every tiny Chinese girl with white parents....

Wow! Even knowing how little chance there is that my children's birth parents will/have emigrate/d (which, by the way, I told Zoe), that encounter still gives me chills. And thanks to Lorraine's comment, we know that there is little to separate American birth mothers and Chinese birth mothers on this front (and I'm looking forward to your blog post on the topic, Lorraine!).

Heart's Desire

The conversation started innocuously enough. We're driving in the car and Zoe was doing her fake-British accent (don't ask!), She asked what the difference was between Great Britain and England, and I explained that Great Britain included England, Wales, and Scotland. She remarked that she thought Scotland was funny since men wore skirts.

I explained about kilts, and said that men in Scotland pretty much wore kilts only for special occasions, like in China, a girl will wear a qi pao only on special occasions, not every day. That lead to questions from Maya about what qi paos are made of (silk).

And that led Zoe to say she wished our whole house was decorated in silk. Why, I asked? The answer was something along the lines of silkworms are cool, silk is so smooth and shiny and colorful. I took the practical road and explained some of the difficulties of taking care of silk. Zoe thought maybe we should invent a washing machine just to wash silk.

And then she changed tacks. "Well, it's not really my heart's desire to have silk all over the house. I want a mirror like the one Harry Potter saw his parents in (the girls watched their first Harry Potter movie last night). I would be able to see my birth parents in that mirror, because seeing them is my heart's desire."

"Yes, sweetie, I know that's your heart's desire. I hope one day you will see them. I know it's not the same thing, but every time you look in a mirror, you can see your birth parents when you look at your face. They made you, so they are in you."

"I KNOW," says Zoe. She's behind me in the car, but I can tell she's rolling her eyes, even though I can't see her. "You're right, it's not the same. I don't know which parts of my face came from which birth parent!"

I respond, "I can tell that makes you feel frustrated. How else does it make you feel?"

Zoe ponders that and says, "It's sad, but I think I've got an idea. I can marry Harry Potter and he can show me the mirror!"

Now she's going all practical on me. . . . . and fickle, too. Earlier in the day, both she and Maya were moving to Europe so they could each find a prince to marry so they could be princesses.

(But judging from Zoe's latest drawing of her birth parents, I can tell her exactly who they look like -- Yoko Ono and . . . Yoko Ono!)

Dinosaur Train: New PBS Kids Show With Adoption Themes

The girls actually slept late this holiday morning -- 8:45 a.m., believe it or not! When I wandered into the family room a few minutes later, the girls were ensconced on the couch, watching PBS. Maya tells me excitedly, "It's a new show about dinosaurs!" As I watch, I see a little cartoon T-rex calling a Pteranodon "Mom." Hmm.

Sure enough, when I went to the website, I discovered it was, indeed, a trans-species adoption:

Each of the 40 half-hour episodes features Buddy, an adorable preschool age Tyrannosaurus Rex, and his adoptive Pteranodon family as they board the Dinosaur Train and embark on whimsical voyages through prehistoric jungles, swamps, volcanoes and oceans.

The title sequence (which I missed the first time -- but it's back-to-back episode day it seems!) shows the babies hatching from their eggs, and Buddy is different. But Mrs. Pteranodon says he's part of the family even though he is different -- after all, "we're all creatures."

But the thing that amazed me is that the episode seemed to be about searching -- searching for Buddy's species. And Pteranodon mom is in on the search, saying something along the line of, "Don't worry Buddy, we'll keep looking for your species." OK, birth parents weren't mentioned, but still, it's a pretty impressive idea to see in a children's show aimed at 3-6 year olds, that an adoptee might want to know its first family (species) and that the adoptive family is OK with that!

I wasn't sure whether the girls saw the parallel to searching for birth family, but when we talked about the show later, they clearly had. They also saw that Buddy didn't feel quite like he fit into the Pteranodon family (he couldn't catch fish the way they do), and that spurred his interest in finding his species. Zoe also thought that wanting to know his species was like her wanting to learn Chinese and all about China, even if she never finds her birth family.

Adoption isn't the focus of the show; rather, they say they want to harness kids' interest in dinosaurs and trains to teach scientific method. It's a brand-new series on PBS, so I don't know how it will pan out in the long run, but so far I'd give them kudos on the adoption themes.

"Chinese Eyes" Again

We went out for ice cream after dinner tonight, and triggered by the almonds in her Rocky Road ice cream, Zoe said, "At lunch the other day, three boys were doing this (the infamous eye-pulling gesture) and saying 'Chinese eyes! Chinese eyes!' at me."

There was a similar episode at school last year, different boys, and not directed at Zoe, but just done in front of her. She handled it well, but was naturally upset. Tonight she was pretty matter-of-fact about it (I'm not sure if that's an improvement, actually).

I asked what she did, and boy, was I proud of her response: "I said, 'Hey, guys, those aren't Chinese eyes, these (pointing at her own eyes) are Chinese eyes!'" Said, by the way, in the same tone she uses when she thinks I'm an idiot! For once, I was quite impressed with her smart mouth!

We brainstormed over ice cream about what to do about it, and talked about the school rules about teasing and bullying. Zoe hadn't thought of it as bullying, and couldn't really define what bullying was, just that bullying wasn't allowed. She knows from school to tell a grown-up about bullying, but that isn't much help when she doesn't know what bullying is. Seems a flaw in the school's anti-bullying curriculum.

Zoe is still thinking about whether she wants me to tell her teacher about the episode, though she agrees I can tell the teacher of the fault in the anti-bullying program. I've given her until parent-teacher conference in September to decide whether to share about the Chinese-eyes teasing, and with names or without them. Zoe handled it so well I don't feel the need to intervene immediately, but if it happens again, all bets are off.

As I said last time, I am so glad we've been pro-active about the possibility of racial teasing and negative adoption comments and the like. (We've role-played these kinds of situations several times.) I think that really helped Zoe feel empowered to handle this on her own -- which, of course, is when these incidents will happen, when she's not with me, but on her own.

Maya came up with the best response for future use -- she pushed in, rather than pulling out, the corners of her eyes and said, "English eyes! English eyes!" I almost choked on my ice cream!

Adoption Goes to School ALREADY

I can't say that I'm surprised that Zoe is already drawing and writing about her birth family at school. Yesterday she only had a half-day, but today was a full day of school and the teacher gave them free time to draw.

Zoe sits at a cluster of desks with three other students, and when she drew her birth parents, the kids were all curious and asked, "So this is what your birth parents look like?!" (Like quasi-stick-figures would somehow capture that!). Zoe corrected them, "No, this is what I THINK my birth parents look like." That's why she wrote "THINK" in capitals and dark ink after she drew the picture. (And notice that her birth parents have glasses, as usual. She's convinced they have them since she does. And also notice that they are smiling -- she draws them with tears on their faces most of the time, since she thinks they are sad and missing her.)

On the back of the paper, she also made the "What I think/What I know" distinction, which I think is great. We are always talking about what we know and what we don't know, and what we think or what we guess; I'm glad to see that it's been making an impression. She's beginning to see what is fantasy and what is reality when it comes to her birth family. And she's come a long way from when she was so frustrated by what we didn't know that she couldn't get past that to do any imaginary thinking.

She's never before shared with me the I Think: "I think my birthparents had more children that went to orphanages. They look like me." We've talked about the fact that she MIGHT have siblings in China, that her birth parents might have had a child before they had her, that they might have felt they needed to have a boy child. But we've never talked about the possibility that other siblings might have ended up in the orphanage.

I wonder where that's coming from. It's true, of course. We've all heard of such cases of multiple girl children being abandoned, one at a time, as the family tries for the boy they think they need. I don't know if Zoe has figured that out on her own, or whether it's an idea that comforts her -- it has been disturbing for her to think her birth parents kept some children, but relinquished her. We'll be talking more about this in the days to come!

Zoe showed her teacher her drawing and writing, and she simply said, "Thank you for sharing that with me." No shock, no intrusive questions, no instructions not to think or to think in a different way about her birth parents. Good answer!

Summer Re-Run: Adoption is Hard to Understand

Adoption is Hard to Understand, August 28, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, we were eating breakfast at Whataburger. Maya was cadging bites of my biscuit smothered in sausage gravy (how very Southern of us!), and Zoe was rummaging in my purse for a pen and something to write on (she finds the cardboard-thingy they put in a package of tights, don't ask what it was doing in my purse!) A typical weekend morning for our clan.

Zoe is scribbling away, and I'm trying to get my fork back from Maya, and then Zoe passes me a note: "Adoption is hard to understand." Too many people around to talk about it, so I write back: "Yes, but it helps when you talk about your feelings." Zoe jots a short answer: "True Mama." I like that: is it "True, Mama" or is it "True Mama"?!

When we were at second-grade orientation last week, the school counselor was introduced. Zoe asked me later what a counselor was, and I was explaining that it was someone you could talk to about your feelings. "Ohhhh, like talking about my birthparents." Right!

I also reminded Zoe that her Mimi was a counselor (she worked with terminal cancer patients, not school children). Zoe's response: "So that's what makes her a great grandmother!"

"Will I miss them when I'm a grownup?"

Tonight, Zoe made an appointment with me to "talk about adoption." Most of the time, our chats about adoption just come up among chats about the book she's reading, the game she and Maya are playing, the art project they're working on. But I always love it when she solemnly makes an appointment, so sober, and then the talk usually degenerates into giggles and tickles at the end. So it went tonight.

Tonight, Zoe asked, "Will I still miss my birth parents when I'm a grownup?"

I answered, "I don't know, sweetie. But even when we're grownups we miss the people we love when we can't be with them. You miss Aunt Kim, right? Well, I do too."

But she still wondered, since Aunt Kim isn't like a birth parent! So I tried, "Remember the workshop I went to when you were at Camp, with three grownup adoptees talking? Well, they each had different feelings about their birth parents. [I summed up what they said -- two had little interest, and one had a strong interest] .

Zoe was shocked to hear that there were adult adoptees who wouldn't be interested in their birth parents. "How could they not be interested?! That doesn't make any sense!"

I reminded her that not everyone feels the same way about things, and that was OK. She finally accepted that. "So," I concluded, "there's no one way to feel about adoption or your birth parents. And you might feel one way at one time and a different way at another time."

I don't think I convinced her, though, that her feelings about her birth parents will ever change. And I have to say, I'm not so sure they will on a fundamental level. Yes, she will change and grow in understanding and acceptance, but at bottom, I expect Zoe will miss her birth parents even when she's a grownup.

Zoe's Dearest Wish

OK, if you've been reading here for a while, I bet you know where this one is going!

Zoe has been squirreling away fortune cookie fortunes in the cup holder of her booster seat for a while without me realizing it. When we drove to the store this morning, she pulled them out and entertained us with them:

"Endurance and perseverance will be rewarded."

"You will take a long journey and find your fortune."

"Someone is speaking well of you right now."

Is it my imagination, or is there a bit of a theme here?

Then the last one --

"Your dearest wish will come true."

Of course I asked: "Zoe, what's your dearest wish?"

Zoe replies, in that duh-mom's-dumb voice, "To meet my birth parents."

Of course.

Another "It's Not Fair!" Moment

Zoe has been intrigued by the fact that our blogger-friend Mei-Ling is in Taiwan meeting her birth family. She's reacted positively, very curious about the whole process. The other day, though, it was too much for her: "It's just not fair that some people can meet their birth parents and some people can't! Mei-Ling can, and P. can (a friend from Korea) but I CAN'T!"

We had lots of tears and cuddling after that, because she's right, of course -- it ISN'T fair, and there's no getting around it. I know that I can't fix it, that I can only commiserate, but I had to try. I reminded her about her desire at age 3 to call her birth mom, so she made a pretend phone call, leading up to suggesting she can always "talk" to her birth family in her head. Zoe was completely uninterested in that suggestion., as illustrated by significant eye-rolling! Maya asked me, "Did I do that, too make pretend phone calls?" No, I told her, she never was very interested in talking about or to her birth parents when she was 3 (or now, for that matter).

And then Zoe pulled out another "it's not fair" -- "Maya doesn't NEED to call her birth family. She has a FOSTER family in China," she declared. Hmm, I knew that sibling rivalry/jealousy was simmering, but Zoe hasn't said much about it. Maya's foster family is good about including Zoe when they send letters, cards, and gifts. But that's not quite the same as having her OWN foster family, a real live Chinese family who cared for you and loved you and who, unlike your unknown birth parents, you don't have to imagine, wonder about, pretend about.

We pulled out Zoe's life book and concentrated on the pages about the nannies at the orphanage, and Zoe especially wanted to hear about the one called Po Po (grandmother in Chinese). We're lucky to have pictures from the orphanage, with a nanny holding Zoe while feeding her a bottle, with another nanny playing with her, with Po Po holding her. It's not a foster family, but it shows real live people in China who cared for her and loved her.

And it's not what she really wants, to know who her birth family is, to meet them. The possibility of that happening is remote.

And that's not fair.

Helloooo! Adopted?

Driving home from ballet rehearsal (recital is Sunday!) this evening, we were being exceptionally silly. Zoe was "interviewing" me, and after asking my name and profession, she asked me, "And which simple machines do you use every day?" What?! "Uh, incline plane?"

I then interviewed Maya, and asked her to describe her personality (which is really difficult to define without using the word "personality!") -- "pretty, snuggly, funny." OK, so I asked her to describe her sister's personality --"mean, pretty, waterproof." Waterproof?! Where does she come up with this stuff?!

Then I interviewed Zoe, asking her to describe her personality --"smart, educational (!), mad . . . ." "Mad?" I asked, sounding very surprised since she was giggling like crazy. "What are you mad about?"

In her best mom's-an-idiot voice, Zoe answers, "Hellooooo! Adopted?!"

Oh, right. I forgot.

I Pray For Them

Another busy day, with Zoe doing homework in the car as we drove from one activity to another. When we got in the car after ballet to drive to Maya's end-of-season soccer party, Zoe pulled out her Religion book to review for a test. She decided to test me, reading me the questions, giving her answer, and asking for mine -- and mine couldn't be the same as hers.

The first questions were easy -- what of God's creation do you experience with your five senses? Zoe's answers: eyes, flowers; ears, music; nose, perfume; mouth, spaghetti; touch, smooth rocks. Mine: my kids, my kids, my kids, my kids ("You can't EAT us!" Zoe says; "No, but I can kiss you all over!"), my kids!

The last was tougher -- "Write a prayer of blessing for a friend, a family member, or a member of your parish." -- tough because I'm one of those old-timey Catholics who have a hard time with spontaneous prayer (the Hail Mary? got it; St. Francis of Assisi's prayer? no problem; wanna hear the Our Father, got it covered)! Zoe's prayer was for a friend whose dog had died. Mine was a part of my usual, silent, night-time prayer: "Dear God, please bless Zoe's and Maya's birth families with the peace of knowing that their girls are happy and loved."

I glanced in the rearview mirror, uncertain what the silence from the back seat meant. Zoe was hugging herself and smiling -- glowing, actually. "Didn't you know I pray for your birth family all the time," I asked. Zoe answered, "No! But I'm glad, because I do, too!" That, I knew. But I guess I should have clued her in on my prayers long ago. It really mattered to her. I guess I should have figured that out sooner.

Hercules -- Adoptee

The Easter Bunny placed a Hercules DVD in Maya's basket (she likes the "Zero to Hero" song that appears on a compilation DVD we have and Hercules was on sale at Target for $4.75!), and the girls and I watched it last evening before bed (why I didn't get to see Extreme Makeover: Home Edition).

I took my nephew to see it when it first came out, but I'd forgotten the plot details and certainly don't remember much of my Greek mythology from middle school (assuming the Disney version bears any resemblance to actual Greek mythology). In a nutshell, Hercules is the son of Zeus and Hera, but is stolen from them and turned into a mortal. He can't return to Mt. Olympus because of his non-god status, so Zeus and Hera leave him with the family who found him abandoned on their doorstep (Disney's synopsis calls them his adoptive parents, and IMdB calls them his foster parents; at Anti-Racist Parent, Jae Ran Kim of Harlow's Monkey lists him as "son of gods transracially adopted by humans!").

As a teen, Hercules feels that he doesn't fit in, doesn't belong. He sings that he'll go anywhere to find where he belongs. When his adoptive parents tell him he is not their biological son ("Your mom and I have been meaning to tell you . . . " sheesh!), he goes off in search of answers ("You're the greatest parents anyone could ever have, but I gotta know . . . ").

Lots to say about the adoption themes, searching for self, reunion (maybe one of the worst reunions in adoption history!), but I really just wanted to share what Zoe had to say about it all and wanted to fill in the back-story for the 3 people in the world who haven't seen or don't remember the movie!

Just after his adoptive parents give Hercules the necklace with the symbol of the gods found with him as a baby, and he says he'll go to the Temple of Zeus where there will surely be answers, Zoe pops up to say, "That's not fair! He can find his birth parents and I can't!"

Wow, how quickly she related it to her life! Of course, we had to stop the movie and talk about searching, what we know and don't know about her and Maya's birth parents, how it helped that Hercules had a clue to start with, what was found with her (we have no information about what Maya was found with). But what she DIDN'T want to talk about were emotions -- feelings of not belonging, of being different . . . . When we veered into that territory, she zapped the movie back on as fast as she had zapped it off.

And through the whole thing, poor Maya just wanted to get back to her movie!

Best Forever Mom, Best Birth Mom

Remember my post about Zoe saying I was the best mom in the world, and then adding that her birth mom was the second best mom in the world? In the comments, Sang-Shil suggested that maybe I could be the best mom in America and her birth mom could be the best mom in China, so that Zoe wouldn't feel she needed to choose between us. I wished I had thought of that when Zoe ranked us.

The subject hadn't come up again, until last night. We took my parents out to dinner to celebrate my dad's birthday, and I said something to them about Zoe being more affectionate lately.

Zoe said, "Tell them what I told you about why!"

I replied, "You mean about me being the best mom in the world?" (My mind started whirling, strategizing how to reframe the discussion to make both me and birth mom best, and then . . . )

Zoe said, "Right, the best forever mom. And my birth mom is the best birth mom!" And from her intonation, birth moms and forever moms were equally important!

Well, how about that? She figured it out on her own, a way to give us each primacy in our particular role, with no one being second-best. Smart cookie!

Best Moms

Zoe has been very affectionate this week, surprisingly so, since she's not really that cuddly. I've been getting lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you's." She doesn't seem particularly needy -- sometimes she needs to be cuddled, but this is more like she wants to give hugs and kisses rather than needing them in return. It might just be that she's missing me since she's been back in school after so much togetherness during spring break. You'd think I'd just accept it gratefully and move on. But no, not me!

I've been thinking something is up and have been giving her lots of opportunities to tell me if there's a problem or if something is upsetting her. She says no. I've asked if her teachers have been saying things about showing appreciation for your parents (that's happened before!). She says no. Oh well, whatever it is, I guess I can just sit back and enjoy the affection, right?!

Then, while we were driving home from gymnastics today, she says in a little voice, "OK, mama, there is something I want to tell you about why I've been giving lots of hugs and kisses." I'm thinking -- at last! I wonder what's wrong?

And then she says in a gleeful voice happy because she's fooled me, "It's because you're the best mom in the whole wide world!"

I'm saying something about how nice that is to hear, when she adds, "and so is my birth mom -- she's the second best mom in the whole wide world!"

One of my basic rules of adoption talk is NEVER COMPETE -- never, ever, try to compete with birth family. I think that's one of the things that make adopted kids feel divided loyalty, when adoptive parents insist they have to be number one in their kids' affections. "Love me best" comes across as "don't love them at all." And the truth is that we each -- adoptive parents and birth parents -- have very real and very important roles in our kids' lives, and that the role of birth parents should be honored, not ignored.

And for another thing, once you engage in competition with birth family, you lose. No way can you compare to the idealized fantasy version of birth family. It's kind of like kids of divorce, where the parent they don't live with is the bestest, nicest, most perfect parent. So I am always accepting of my kids' feelings of love for birth family, I avoid anything that sounds or looks like "what about me?" behavior when Zoe talks about how nice she thinks her birth parents are, how much she misses them, how much she loves them. I NEVER compete.

So while I won't say it to her, I will say it to all of you -- it was nice to be number one tonight! I'm sure the rankings will change the next time she's mad at me, or when she's feeling divided loyalty and a little guilty for loving me best. But tonight I'm the best mom in the whole wide world!

Ambivalence

As I mentioned, we read Before I Met You last night, and it says, "we can talk about all your feelings and thoughts like . . . Can you look for your birthfamily when you are older?"

I expected Zoe to be interested in that question, but when I asked her what she thought, she did her "Mo-om!" routine: "You know we can't find them! We don't know their phone number or where they live or anything (if I'm this dumb when Zoe is 8, can you imagine how completely stupid I'm going to be when she's a teenager?!).

I acknowledged that it would be really hard to find her birth parents with what little information we had. But I also told her that 30 years ago, people thought it would be impossible for people adopted from Korea to find thier birth families, but that things changed and many are now able to find them. (I didn't want to raise her hopes for what is likely to be at best a remote possibility, but I also wanted to be truthful.)

Given her strong interest in her birth parents, I expected a positive reaction from her, but she seemed ambivalent. She wasn't interested in talking more about that issue, so we moved on to finish reading the book.

I wonder about the ambivalence. She's really invested in her birth parent fantasy these days -- they are nice, kind, perfect. . . . Maybe she's afraid the reality can't live up to her imagination. Or maybe it's anger -- even with the fantasy, she struggles with being angry that they abandoned her.

So, it was an interesting little conversation, and I'm sure we'll be exploring more on the subject.

Birth Parent Fantasies

Zoe enjoys a rich fantasy life where her birth parents are concerned. Everything I've read tells me it's perfectly normal. "The adoptee's fantasies begin when he is told that he is adopted and are both positive and negative," says Sherrie Eldridge in Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. It's a normal part of the grieving process, says Brodzinsky, Schechter & Henig in Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self: "The youngster who was placed as an infant, and who has never known his birth family, cannot grieve for his loss until he develops an internal mental representation of what it is he has lost. This can take the form of thoughts, mental images, and fantasies about his birth parents and his past. . . . the child is not grieving for a known birth parent, but for the representation or fantasy of a birth parent."

Zoe's latest scribblings about her birth parents take the form of lists -- she's big-time into lists these days!

My Birthparents Are:

1. kind

2. caring

3. fun

4. nice

5. precious

p.s. I am the same thing!

Little realism here -- but that's why it's called a fantasy! So far, Zoe is the poster child for why it's important for adopted kids to have a positive view of their birth parents; she's made the connection that "my birth parents are good so I am good." She probably would have readily made the connection between bad birth parents and bad Zoe, too.

My Wish

I wish I could see where I lived.

I Hope

I hope my birthparents can answer my questions.

I Wonder

I wonder if they wonder the same things I do.

I Know

I know they miss me as much as I miss them.

This last list seems to place her fantasy in the context Being Adopted talks about -- part of the grief process, coming to grips with not knowing her birth parents and not knowing anything about them.

And don't you love the picture -- they all have glasses!

Will I Ever Understand?

Paula's post, Twenty-Three Things This Korean-Adoptee Thought About as a Child, at Heart, Mind and Seoul, is very revealing, emotional and thought-provoking. I could probably spend a lifetime writing a treatise about each one of the twenty-three things, since she's telling us adoptive parents so much about what our kids might be thinking, but wanted to address at least one of them:

8. That my mind understood why my Korean mother had to give me up, but that my heart didn't.

This definitely where Zoe is -- "knowing" the reasons, but struggling with understanding. She's even changed her standard question -- "Why did my birth parents let me go?" She now asks, "Will I ever understand why my birth parents let me go?"

My answer to her has been that it is a very hard thing to understand, that it might become easier to understand as she gets older, but that it's something that grownups have a hard time with, too.

I know they miss me

We've had an "ice event" in the North Texas area -- something that would qualify as a non-event in the Great White North. Nonetheless, everything came to a screeching halt. The law school was closed yesterday, and did not reopen until 1 p.m. today. Zoe's and Maya's schools had early dismissal (noon) yesterday, and no school today. We've been very relaxed and lazy, and loving it.

This afternoon, the girls asked to work on their China Workbooks. They happily listed the things they'd want to tell their birth parents about themselves:

Zoe:

1. I am 8 years old (I know and you know that her birth parents likely know this, but Zoe hasn't figured it out!)

2. I have a Chinese sister.

3. I'm the best reader in my class.

4. I got a Chinese book for Christmas.

5. I'm a good speller.

Maya's lists of important facts to share are scanned above -- she's in a love-to-write phase, and I love to show off her newly-acquired handwriting skills!

And then the questions they'd like to ask their birth parents:

Maya:

1. Where do you live?

2. Do you have another baby?

3. Do you like me?

Zoe (exceeding the number of lines in the book!):

1. Why did you let me go?

2. Do you have glasses?

3. How old are you?

4. When is your birthday?

5. Are you adopted?

At one point, Zoe began writing a question, and then erased it. She told me, "I was going to ask if they miss me, but I know they do." I love that confidence in her own value!

I still love, love, love the China Workbooks. It's more than just filling in the blanks, it's the chance to talk more about what they're obviously thinking about. And since they're eager to write in the books, it never feels forced.

YOU'RE not adopted!

The girls and I were having a silly conversation in the car yesterday about UFOs and IHOP and other acronyms (ok, we're all completely geeky!), and Maya asks at one point, "What does MS stand for?" I said, "Malinda Seymore!" Maya, who has the same initials as me, claimed it stood for her, of course. I insisted if it was her, it would have to be MNS (middle name Noelle). Zoe corrected me, "No, it would be MNBS" -- including her Chinese middle name. "And," Zoe continued, "I'm ZEYS. And YOU are ML-zero-S because YOU'RE not adopted (Oh, yes, that was the nyah-nyah-na-nyah-nyah tone of voice!)!"

Isn't it sad, that I am so disadvantaged that I wasn't adopted and so didn't get 4 initials. I'll try to cope with the disappointment!

As you can see, yesterday adoption was a good thing!

My Birth Mother, Myself

Our friend from China is still visiting, and I wondered whether Zoe would talk with her at all about her adoption. Well, she did. Zoe was giving XiaoLi a tour of the artwork (drawn, of course, by Zoe and Maya) on the walls of the playroom (which is also the spare room where X is staying). X asked about one of the pictures of a woman, and Zoe explained that it was her birth mother. When X asked about the tears on her face, Zoe explained that her birth mother was sad that she couldn't keep her.

It's funny, because when Zoe first drew the picture, it wasn't her birth mother, it was a self-portrait! I think Zoe was just looking for an opening to talk about her birth mother with X.