RainBabies

Tonight the girls and I watched a Scholastic DVD that included the story "Rainbabies." I like the Scholastic DVDs because they follow the books so exactly, and have DVDs of many of our favorites. "Rainbabies" was new to us, though. The Publisher's Weekly blurb describes the book like this: "a childless couple finds a dozen tiny rainbabies in the grass after a moonshower, takes them home and tenderly cares for them until the babies' real mother arrives to claim her offspring and reward the devoted husband and wife." But I didn't know any of this when we watched it . . . .

Sure enough, the childless couple takes care of the babies, protecting them from all dangers. A youth comes and offers them a valuable jewel if they will give him the babies for a wealthy childless noblewoman, but they refuse. The youth suddenly transforms into Mother Moonshower, who tells the couple she's come for the babies. She says they can't grow and thrive with the couple. She's brought them a human baby to care for instead. They happily allow her to take the rainbabies, mesmerized by their beautiful new baby.

After the story ended, Zoe said in a quizzical voice, "That's was kind of an adoption story. . . ."
I asked her how it was like adoption, and she said the Moonshower lady was like the birth mother. I agreed, and asked what she thought of her coming back for the babies. She shrugged and ducked her head, seemingly uncomfortable with the storyline.

I said, "I bet you know what I would do in that situation," and Maya piped up from the bathroom (!), "You're our mom forever! You wouldn't give us away!" Zoe jumped in immediately, "That's right!" I said that was exactly right, and that I would never give them away. When I became their mom, I said, I promised to love them and take care of them forever, and forever means forever. We talked more about the fact that adoption is permanent, amongst hugs and cuddles, because that was what Zoe and Maya needed to hear about. The storyline obviously touched on the fear of abandonment that many adoptees feel.

[We didn't talk about the part where Mother Moonshower says that the babies can't grow and thrive in the care of the adoptive parents. That could be a really deep and interesting discussion about what it takes for kids to grow and thrive, how removing a child from its home country/culture can make things difficult, etc., but that would work with kids older than mine, I think.]

I finally asked Zoe directly, "What would you want me to do if your birth parents found us?" Zoe said she wouldn't want to go with them, and climbed in my lap for another hug. I wasn't terribly surprised -- despite her interest in knowing about her birth parents, they're much more accessible as imaginary figures than as real people. Soon, though, she found her equalibrium and said more bravely, "I'd want to go with them for about a year, and then come back and stay with you forever." I asked her what she'd do for that year, and she said, "Get to know them and explore China!" I said I thought that was a good plan, that it was completely normal for her to want to know her birth parents, and wanting that didn't make our family any less permanent.

I never mind when books or movies raise adoption issues for us to discuss -- much better to discuss them than bury them. But I much prefer to be prepared ahead of time, and this one came out of left field! Though it was a good discussion, I'm not sure I'd recommend this book or video for young adopted kids. It sets up an impossible dichotomy -- either an adversarial relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents who want the same child, or an easy abandonment of the child by the adoptive parents who are offered something better, a different child.

Anita Tedaldi on Today Show

Remember Anita Tedaldi? She wrote a New York Times piece that told only part of the story of her decision to relinquish her internationally adopted son?

Well, she told her story on the Today Show today. Also on the program, Adam Pertman of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, and he made three good points: 1) failure to bond is not just an adoption problem since it can happen with biological children, too; 2) adoption is not a "rental" where you just try it out; 3) sometimes it takes years to bond, and parents should stick it out for as long as they can.

This time, Tedaldi did mention her previous column, We Can't Trade In Our Children or Our Husbands, where she criticized another family for disrupting their adoption. She did not, however, mention that she had two more biological children in the 18 months that she was trying -- and failing -- to bond with her newly-adopted child.

P.S. There is an active comment thread at a previous post about Tedaldi. Click here to read the new comments. Most of the commenters are new to the blog, I think, being one of the 2,000 or so folks whose google search for Anita Tedaldi has brought them here! I figured regular readers weren't re-checking previous posts, so thought you'd need a heads-up to look for the new comments if you're interested.

Love, Abandonment Style

A must-read, an absolutely beautifully written post about love and the effects of abandonment, from an adult Korean adoptee, at the Land of the Not-So-Calm:

Sometimes, at 3 am, I can’t help but wonder how I can know what love is, what love means, what it means to love and be loved… because the first act of “love” that I ever knew was to be placed at the side of a road, outside tall black iron gates and brick walls, never (?) to see my family again.

How can I trust that people will say what they mean, that they will do what they say, that their definition of love is the same as mine? I wonder if we are calling different
things by the same name, if “love” suddenly means “dirt” and “lily” suddenly means “ocean” and oh yes, ocean, that’s what will separate us, because I never want to see you again… because I love you, don’t you get it?

How can I look people in the eye when I am used to seeing their backs? And yet, what choice do I have?

Read it and try not to weep.

Defense Mechanisms -- Coping with Abandonment

A heart-wrenching post from Gershom at Anti-Adoption, Separation and Abandonment is a Bitch:

I watched a video today of this girl in China who believed her new adoptive parents were coming to take her home. She had TB and it ends up that she can’t go home with them. The video is the future adoptive mother taping the goodbye. All screams of “put the camera down” aside… I want to talk about this moment in the little girls life and what it feels like to go through that.

I think its the core of my adoptee-ness. I have been there so many times. At her age sheis probably so scared to hold onto someone, to love them, to open up to them and
in the video it seems like she has established some amount of trust in the man, her future adoptive father.

Then it happens, 3/4 of the way into the video she “gets” it. They’re leaving and she’s not going with them. The screams, the pleads for them to not leave without her. The cries, pulling for them to stay, pushing those trying to keep her away….oh how I have been there.

The rage will follow, hatred, detachment and finally…the life saving umbness that will stay with her forever. By the time she’s my age she’ll be able to turn it on and off if she’s aware of it like I am. Use it as a body guard, shield,warrior of self. Detach, numb, forget, protect and move on. Survival mechanisms are beautiful things.

This isn't posted to judge the Scruggs family; it really isn't about the Scruggses at all. It's about reactions to abandonment, real or perceived. Recall, also, the system in Russia and Khazak adoption -- one visit, parents leave, six weeks later another visit to finalize the adoption. And all of our children have abandonment in their history; being aware of the possible effects is a good idea.

Transitions

Thursday was Zoe's last day of school, and Friday was Maya's preschool graduation. Maya and her friends looked adorable in their miniature caps and gowns, and as silly as it might be to "graduate" at this age, Maya was cute as a button!

So Zoe is now "officially" a third-grader and Maya a kindergartner. Happy times, yes? For Zoe, not so much.

When I picked Zoe up from school on Thursday, unlike all the other kids running happily from school celebrating the beginning of summer vacation, Zoe was crying. A few other kids were crying about missing their second-grade teacher, but Zoe was concerned about her first grade teacher. Mrs. P. is having a baby and is not coming back next year. Zoe was crying about never seeing her again, and about how she'll forget what Mrs. P. looks like. And then Friday, as Maya graduated from the same preschool Zoe attended, Zoe cried about two of her preschool teachers who are no longer with the school, and whom she hasn't seen since they left. "I don't even remember what Miss Rachel looks like," Zoe cried.

Normal drama-queen stuff? Could be, she's had a hard time with Maya graduating, because that makes Maya the center of attention instead of her! Usual reaction to change? I suppose.

But that's what adoption does, it makes you wonder if there's something else, another layer. Is this just about her teachers, or is there something more? Is she thinking about not remembering/knowing what her birth parents look like? Is this a reaction to abandonment? Is this triggering feelings of loss, traceable to loss of birth parents?

I don't know the answers, but adoption means I have to ask the questions.

Lists. . .

. . . from the various conference presentations. I'm a good student -- I always copy down lists. When the teacher says, "There are THREE things . . . " I know to start scribbling!

I'm too tired to flesh out the lists -- maybe later! Or maybe you can have fun fleshing it out yourself by imagining what each item means. Ok, that's a pretty lame parlor game, and I suspect you'd like to hear some whys and wherefores, so I'll definitely work on it later!

The Seven Core Issues in Adoption-- for adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents alike.
by Sharon Roszia

1. Loss
2. Rejection
3. Guilt/Shame
4. Grief
5. Identity
6. Intimacy & Relationships
7. Control

The 4 As
by Nancy Verrier

1. awareness (be aware of your adoption issues)
2. acknowledgment (acknowledge your adoption issues)
3. authenticity (seek your authentic self)
4. accountability (be accountable, be responsible, for your own feelings in relationships)

Ten Commandments of Telling (hard truths about your child's pre-adoption past)
by Betsy Keefer
(gotta be Roman numerals for this list!)

I. Do not lie.
II. Tell information in an age-appropriate way.
III. Allow the child to be angry without joining in.
IV. Share all information by the time the child is 12.
V. Remember the child knows more than you think.
VI. If information is negative, use a third party professional.
VII. Use positive adoption language.
VIII. Don't impose value judgments.
IX. Initiate conversation about adoption.
X. The child should be in control of his story outside the family.

Three Strikes and It's Closed Adoption
by John Sobraske
(how adoption moved from open to closed over time in history)

Strike 1 -- Cut ties to birth families
Strike 2 -- Secrecy to pass off adopted child as biological child
Strike 3 -- Stigmatize premarital sex

Thoughts on Raising Children From Another Race & Culture
by Margie Perscheid

1. Consider the vantage points.
2. Don't fight reality, face it.
3. Accept the existence of racism and work to end it.
4. "For every excuse (to avoid culture, diversity), there is an equal and opposite action."
5. Be sensitive to the ebb and flow of your child's interest.
6. Forge your own path -- there's no roadmap.
7. Welcome living outside your comfort zone.
8. Make the abstract real: Grab every opportunity to bring your child's community to life in your family and home.

Review of Adopted: The Movie

Adopted: the Movie

a film by Barb Lee

Review by malinda

What this film is about: OK, I think most of you know what this is about! I've posted about it here, and here, and here. But as the synopsis at the website explains, "one family is just beginning the process of adopting a baby from China and is filled with hope and possibility. The other family’s adopted Korean daughter is now 32 years old. Prompted by her adoptive mother’s terminal illness, she tries to create the bond they never had. The results are riveting, unpredictable and telling. While the two families are at opposite ends of the journey, their stories converge to show us that love isn’t always enough."

The stories are gripping and heartbreaking, and more than a little depressing. In some ways, it showed that new adopters are learning from mistakes of the past -- the family just adopting from China are shown watching a Mei Mei Chinese video with their daughter, for example. But then the new adoptive mother explains how her daughter has done all her grieving in China and attached to them after a few days; juxtaposed with that is 32-year-old Jennifer who is still grieving and who is still trying to build a bond with her adoptive mother after all these years.

It is painful to watch Jennifer struggle with trying to get her family to see her for who she is, in the face of what seems at times like wilful ignorance. She takes her dad to the Sons of the American Revolution building, where she explains that one of his relatives fought in the Revolutionary War so that he is entitled to membership. A worker there says female relatives are eligible for membership in Daughters of the American Revolution -- but only biological descendents. She clearly wants him to stand up for her in some way, maybe by refusing membership, but his response is almost flippant, a "too bad, we love you anyway, kid" kind of response. It is even more painful to hear her adoptive mother say that she feels nothing for her daughter's birth mother, and can't understand why she should be expected to, even as Jennifer explains that it feels like a rejection of her -- her eyes, her face, her skin. And most painful of all is to see Jennifer losing the struggle to cope by slipping into self-destructive behavior.

And then the two most painful lines in the movie for me:

"You only got her because she was abandoned. And she knows that, at a younger age than you can ever imagine.”

and

"To this point the most dangerous thing I've ever done in my life is bringing up the topic of my adoption with my family."

None of this, however, is pain to be avoided. This film is something that every adult member of a transracial adoptive family should see. I highly recommend it.

What I liked about the movie: The honesty.

It was also fun for me to see scenes of Nanning -- the daughter of the newly adopting family in China is from Guangxi Province, and I'm pretty sure I recognized those headboards as from the Majestic Hotel.

And a real positive in the movie was how supportive Jennifer's older brother -- biological child of her adoptive parents -- was of her search for identity.

What I didn't like about the movie: Jennifer is not a wholly sympathetic character -- but that, of course, is that honesty part! Those who are of a mind to dismiss what she has to say will find plenty of reasons to do so. But then, the movie would have been too pat and unrealistic if she had been portrayed as a saintly sufferer. It's just that I want everyone who sees the film to "get it," and to have no excuses to avoid understanding.

What I learned/How this film helped me: I learned that we've come a long way, and have a long, long way to go.

Never Let Go

What do these events have in common?

1. Grandpa (my dad) ended up in the hospital on Thursday – he failed spectacularly at his scheduled cardiac stress test, leading to a jolly trip by ambulance to the hospital, an angiogram finding two arterial blockages in the heart, a successful angioplasty, and a three-night stay at Chez Plaza Hospital. Zoe was naturally very upset, worried that Grandpa might die. At one point she said, “The heart is really serious – it’s not like brain surgery!” (Apparently I was quite successful in playing down my brain surgery, and Zoe puts it on the same level as having a hangnail removed!)

2. Zoe tells me Monday that she had a bad dream the night before. She dreamed that I was driving and sideswiped a car and the police came and took me to jail.

3. Zoe tells me I’m not her real mother, as I blogged about before.

4. I dyed my hair, after 5 years of gracefully going gray. I used to color my hair regularly – I started going gray when I was 18! I had reddish hair when I adopted Zoe, and now I’ve gone back to that color (I can’t say my natural color since I have no idea what it is anymore!). Anyway, Zoe says the new hair color makes me “stranger mom.” [“Stranger mom” = “not-real mom”?] She also said, after I reminded her that my hair is the same color as when we met, that it makes me look eight years younger!

5. After our “you’re not my real mom” dinner, Zoe said, “Can I ask you a question about adoption?” Of course, I said. She started crying and asked, “Will I ever understand why my first family gave me away?”

Wow! That fear of abandonment is always there, and all it takes is an event like Grandpa being in the hospital to move it from background noise to the forefront, from chronic to acute. The dream, the real/not-real/stranger mom talk, the perennial why question, say the same thing: "Never leave me. Never let go. Even when I push you away (you're not my real mom), never let go." I can't promise not to die, but I can promise to never let go.

How Abandonment Can Affect Future Relationships

Must-read post at Jane's Blog. Here's a snippet:

I have also got some things figured out about my relationships. I feel really LUCKY to have that figured out at age 36. Basically, right now I realize that anyone that I am attracted to is bad for me. The perfect man for me could knock me flat on the sidewalk by falling onto me from heaven and I wouldn’t even notice him. That is because on a deep level I believe that I am

WORTH NOTHING and DESERVE TO BE TREATED BADLY and

ABANDONED

and I find men who will be happy to do that for me. If 99% of people want to make me happy, believe you me, I will find the 1% who will make me miserable. So I’m not saying that i will never date again, but I realize my limitations and that right now, whatever I do, I am going to pick the wrong partner. So until I can heal the part of myself that believes I am

WORTH NOTHING and DESERVE TO BE TREATED BADLY and

ABANDONED

I have no business having a relationship.

I really appreciate Jane's honesty.

20 Things -- #1

As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been looking again at Sherrie Eldridge's book, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. I thought I'd post about some of those twenty things. I'll be skipping about in the list, but thought today I'd start at the beginning:

Number 1: I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.

Eldridge, an adoptee herself, talks about the importance of acknowledging that adoption starts with loss. "The first thing your child wants you to know is this: I am a grieving child. I came to you because of loss -- one that was not your fault and one that you can't erase." She says that most adoptive parents romanticize adoption -- "You are a chosen child!" "Be thankful you were picked." That denies the loss, rather than helping their child grieve the loss and find closure.

She argues that part of the reason for this denial is that we live in a pain-avoiding society. But pain is a normal and natural reaction to losing a set of parents, isn't it? We can't prevent our children from feeling pain, the only reaction then, is how best to help them deal with the pain. She suggests that parents need to embrace and share their own pain -- infertility, pregnancy loss, etc., in order to achieve intimacy with our children.

Eldridge suggests the following things our children need to deal with loss:

1. Validation of their wound and loss.

She advocates DIRECT statements of validation: 'A parent might whisper to her adopted infant, "You must miss your birth mommy. We are sad too that you had to lose her.' 'It really hurts, doesn't it?' is a phrase that can be used by parents in every phase of the adoptee's life, for it demonstrates empathy and compassion.

2. Education about adoption and its emotional and relational repercussions.

Eldridge says that adoptees need to know that their first loss creates emotional wounds, because "shame falls away as self-disclosure grows."

3. For adoptive parents to put aside their false guilt (ouch, that hits home!).

Eldridge argues that false guilt is a control mechanism, quoting Children and Trauma: "If a parent can find some way in which the trauma was her own fault, it becomes possible to believe that further trauma can be avoided. Guilt offers a kind of power, however illusory, over helplessness."

4. Freedom to express their conflicting emotions without fear of judgment.

Eldridge describes this as the most important of adoptees' needs -- "a safe place to share their feelings about adoption, both positive and negative, and to feel protected and loved unconditionally regardless of what comes out of their mouths."

It's interesting to re-read this book after 7 years of adoption-parenting. I read it first while waiting for Zoe, and it was all very abstract. I wasn't sure I bought the idea of a primal wound -- how could a newborn experience loss? I can't remember anything before age 3, how could an infant remember the loss of birth parents?

Seven years later, I can definitely say that the loss is real. I can't say I understand the mechanism of infant feelings of loss. But I can say that as Zoe's understanding of adoption has grown, she has experienced those feelings of loss. I've blogged a lot about Zoe's feelings this year, but it certainly hasn't been the first time she expressed those feelings of loss.

When Zoe was 4, we read a book called Horace. It's a very cute book, and Zoe asked me to read it again, and again. In that book, Horace is told by his adoptive mom, "We chose you when you were a tiny baby because you had lost your first family and needed a new one." Yikes! One day, inevitably, Zoe asked, "How did he lose his first family? Was it at the mall?" I explained what they meant, connecting it to her story. Within days, Zoe had become increasingly clingy. She asked me, "Do you leave and go shopping after I go to sleep?" "When I'm in ballet, do you stay in the lobby or do you leave?" I believe she was finally connecting her adoption to loss, and was feeling insecure about whether she'd lose me, too.

So, what do you think? Do you agree with Eldridge's list of 4 things adopted kids need? How do you go about creating that safe environment for processing loss? Do you think there is a primal wound?

"False Guilt"

I was flipping through the book, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, and came across this definition: "False guilt is the emotion we experience when something painful happens over which we had no control, but for which we feel responsible." The author goes on to say, "Children of divorce feel it, a widow visiting her husband's grave feels it, and adoptees of every age feel it."

I'm wondering, in light of our discussion of adoption guilt whether we should add one more to the list -- adoptive parents sometimes feel it.