Struggles of Korean Adoptees

Here's a New York Times article about a new study coming out from the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute about the struggles of Korean adoptees (I'll post the link to the study when I get it). There's not actually very much about the study in the article, but it's an interesting read in its own right:

As a child, Kim Eun Mi Young hated being different.

When her father brought home toys, a record and a picture book on South Korea, the country from which she was adopted in 1961, she ignored them.

Growing up in Georgia, Kansas and Hawaii, in a military family, she would date only white teenagers, even when Asian boys were around.

“At no time did I consider myself anything other than white,” said Ms. Young, 48, who lives in San Antonio. “I had no sense of any identity as a Korean woman. Dating an Asian man would have forced me to accept who I was.”

It was not until she was in her 30s that she began to explore her Korean heritage. One night, after going out to celebrate with her husband at the time, she says she broke down and began crying uncontrollably.

“I remember sitting there thinking, where is my mother? Why did she leave me? Why couldn’t she struggle to keep me?” she said. “That was the beginning of my journey to find out who I am.”

The experiences of Ms. Young are common among adopted children from Korea, according to one of the largest studies of transracial adoptions, which is to be released on Monday. The report, which focuses on the first generation of children adopted from South Korea, found that 78 percent of those who responded had considered themselves to be white or had wanted to be white when they were children. Sixty percent indicated their racial identity had become important by the time they were in middle school, and, as adults, nearly 61 percent said they had traveled to Korea both to learn more about the culture and to find their birth parents.

Katherine Heigl Doesn't Want "My Own Children"

. . . so of course she's adopting from Korea:

RadarOnline, which first broke the news of Heigl's impending adoption, said it had been in the works for about six months. Heigl and Kelley were married in December 2007.

But the idea of adopting was planted long ago. The "Grey's Anatomy" star told USA Today two years ago that it was "always planned."

"I'm done with the whole idea of having my own children," Heigl told the newspaper.

Sigh. Typical rookie mistake of a prospective adoptive parent, using "my own" as a substitute for "biological." I would have expected a bit better of Katherin Heigl, though -- she has a sister adopted from Korea.

I'm not really the "adoption language" police, despite this post! This is just symptomatic of a particular way of thinking about adoption.

Transnational Adoption & the "Financialization of Everything"

Interesting article by Jane Jeong Trenka, to be considered together with the report of the birth mother presentation I attended last month:

International adoption is often seen as a mutually beneficial relationship between children in need of a home and financially stable adults wanting to raise a child. But it is also big-money business. In line with neoliberalism, or the hollowing out of government services, many adopted children are born to single mothers who are offered little to no resources to care for their children. International adoption agencies have stepped into this gap by offering homes, and making a profit in the process. The transformation of adoption into a global business creates a further incentive not to assist mothers, who may turn to adoption out of desperation, not desire. Adoptee activists are working to shed light on this issue. Focusing particularly on South Korea, author and co-founder of Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea (TRACK) Jane Jeong Trenka argues the process should be re-engineered to put the money and fateful decisions back where they belong: with the mothers and their children. TRACK is now working with the Korean government to get the the voices of birth parents and Korean adoptees heard in South Korean adoption law revisions.

Birth Mother Presentation: Adult Adoptee's Comments

Now that my work presentation is over, I can now share as I promised the comments of the adult adoptee and the adoptive parent on the birth mother panel I attended last month. Since the focus was on the birth mothers, the other participants didn't really have that much to say. But I'll share what they did tell us. I'll start with the adult adoptee, and post later about what the adoptive mom had to say.

The adult adoptee was originally from Korea and grew up in Texas. He is now in his 20s and in graduate school. He visited Korea with his adoptive parents when he was 10, as part of a homeland tour. He met his half-sister then, and learned that his birth mother had died, as had a half-brother. He confessed he hasn't done a very good job of keeping in touch with his half-sister. He said that most of his questions had been answered when he was 10, and it was enough for him to know that he could contact her if he wanted or needed more.

He was asked what adoption meant to him, and his answer was, "Opportunity." He also said that knowing his birth mother or birth family "wasn't that big a deal to me." He said he viewed himself as the son of his adoptive parents, and that was that. But when the birth mothers spoke, he was listening VERY intently. I wonder if he is as indifferent as he claimed. . . .

Report: Korean Birth Mother Presentation

Sorry it’s taken me so long to report on the birth mother presentation. I planned to blog about it as soon as I got the girls to bed last night, but I was exhausted, and went to bed at 8:30!

I am SO glad I went to this presentation. It was incredibly powerful and emotional. (That emotion was the cause of the exhaustion, in fact!). The two birth mothers spoke very honestly about their experiences, and as the friend who accompanied me said, the wounds were so obvious on them.

One birth mother was 25, and is now in college studying social work and working with the Eastern Social Welfare Society (ESWS) in Seoul, S. Korea, the same organization through which she placed her child. She looked like a typical college student, except that she looked 16! She had long hair and was wearing a pink flowing skirt, a sparkly tee, multiple necklaces and earrings, cool glasses, and a completely closed expression. She said she had broken up with her boyfriend before she knew she was pregnant. When she contacted him to tell him, he said he didn’t want a baby and she should get rid of it. She went to get an abortion, but couldn’t go through with it when she heard the baby’s heartbeat. She intended to keep the baby, but with morning sickness she couldn’t work, and asked a social worker friend for help. The friend told her about Eastern, and she went to their unwed mothers home. She saw women there who had kept their babies, which gave her hope that she could do the same. She wrote her mother to tell her of the pregnancy and that she wanted to keep the baby. Her mom was completely opposed to her keeping the baby. After much thought and counseling and input from her mother, she made the hard decision to place her baby. She wanted the baby to have two parents, since she was raised by her mom alone. She wanted international adoption, because it would be “semi-open,” meaning that she would get information about the baby once a year. After deciding to relinquish her child for adoption, she was able to visit the baby once a month until the child left Korea.

She said the hardest part of adoption was once she had made the decision. She couldn’t handle seeing babies the same age as hers. She would be in despair, thinking, “Why me? Why can’t I have my baby when these other people have their babies? Why did I only get to hold my baby for a few hours?” She said at times she thought of suicide, and felt she had nothing to live for. She blamed her mother, she blamed herself. She tried suicide once. And another time when she thought she couldn’t live another minute, she heard from the agency that they had received an update about the baby from the adoptive parents. That was and is her greatest joy, getting updates about the baby. She decided that she wanted to improve herself, and live a good life, for her baby, whom she described as “my joy, hope, and life.” She said she knows the most joyous day will be when she can see her baby again.

One reason the updates about the baby were so important to her is that she drank at the beginning of her pregnancy and is so sorry about that, and worries about the effects on the baby’s health.

The older birth mother was 33, and had placed her baby for adoption 2 years ago. She was a little plump, and simply dressed in a blouse and khaki capris. She was single and pregnant, and she told us about going into labor at home, and not being able to make it to the hospital. She was alone, and had to cut the umbilical cord herself. The baby was fine at first, but became sick. She took him to the hospital, where he had to stay for a week. She didn’t know what to do, planned to raise her child, but contacted Eastern for help. She stayed at the home for unwed mothers with her baby. Every day she changed her mind about what to do. First she wanted to raise her baby, then she’d think what was best for the baby would be to place him for adoption, and then she’d change her mind again. She worried that she wouldn’t be able to give her baby opportunities, was worried about the social stigma of unwed birth that would attach to the baby. She said that when the baby was inside her, it was possible to think of them together as just one person, but when he was born and became another person, she had to think more about what would be in his best interest. Six weeks after the baby was born, she decided to place him for adoption. At first she wanted domestic adoption in Korea, but there was no possibility of an open adoption in Korea. With international adoption, she would be able to hear about the baby through the agency, and could perhaps see the baby again one day.

The worst day was when she took the baby to the agency for placement. She bathed and dressed him, and he was very, very fussy. He was usually a happy baby, so she thought he knew what was about to happen. At the agency, she felt cut in half, holding the baby with one hand and signing him away with the other. Going home alone, she could still hear his cries and smell baby smells. She would find her body still rocking him when he wasn’t in her arms any more. Once the baby was gone, she had so much free time and nothing to do but think of him and eat and eat and eat. She began drinking as well to deal with her grief. She changed from an optimistic person to someone mired in grief. She drank for 1.5 years, and is better now. She wants to do well for her baby. She has a new job, and they know about her baby, and they have been very supportive, even letting her take time to come to America to make this presentation.

She also was able to visit her baby before he left Korea. It was wonderful to see him each month, but hard to leave each time and hard to wait for the next visit. She wanted to make the visits, though, because she never wanted him to think she had abandoned him. And on his first birthday, the agency had a birthday party for him and she attended. She was so happy to see him there – he walked! And she loved to see that he liked to eat, just like her. She was very happy to see something of herself in her baby.

After the birth mothers and others talked (more about that in another post), there was a Q & A period. We were asked to write our questions on an index card and pass them up, and the moderator asked the questions.

The first question was, “Why did you come to talk to us and are you glad you did?”

They both answered that they wanted to puncture stereotypes adoptive parents might have about birth mothers. They wanted to stand up for the unwed mothers of Korea. And one said she wanted to know what life in America was like so she could see what life for her baby was like.

The question I asked was, true to AdoptionTalk, “What do you want adoptive parents to tell their kids about birth mothers?” I was almost sorry I asked, because it brought the younger birth mother to tears. But she said that before she was a birth mother, she had a very negative impression of adoption and birth mothers. She had watched TV shows where Korean adoptees said that their birth mothers abandoned them, and she thought that was how babies were adopted – they were all abandoned. She spoke forcefully and said, “I did not abandon my child.” She said she loved her baby and made the best decision she could for her child. She wanted adoptive parents to tell the children that their birth mothers loved them and did not abandon them. The older birth mother said the same, and added, “Sometimes love isn’t enough. I wanted my baby to have a better life. Tell them we love the babies, but we made a decision for their life.”

I also asked about how many women who are served by Eastern decide to parent rather than relinquish their children, and what services are offered to them. The social worker from Eastern said that currently 30% of the women at the unwed mother’s home decide to parent their children. She said that in the past it used to be very rare, but the trend is for more women to parent. She says that Eastern helps with counseling, short-term help with diapers and clothing, and help finding long-term housing. She also said the Korean government offers some support for single parents, but that it is not adequate.

There were an adoptive parent and an adult adoptee on the panel as well, I’ll post more about what they had to say later.

The birth mothers cried, the social workers cried, the adoptive mother on the panel cried, the audience cried, I cried. And it was so worth going!

Birth Mothers' Presentation

On July 26 in Dallas: From An Ocean of Tears to An Ocean of Love: A Birth Mothers Workshop

A rare and unique opportunity for the adoption circle! Two birth mothers from Eastern Social Welfare Society (ESWS) in Seoul, S. Korea, will come to the U.S. to share their compelling story. The international adoption community has been able to hear from adoptive families and adult adoptees, but this educational workshop allows adoptive parents, adoptees, and professionals to hear from the international birth mother’s perspective for the first time.

The workshop will also include the voices from an ESWS staff member, an adoptee, and an adoptive family, who is part of a semi-open adoption through Dillon’s Korea Program.

Workshop is open to everyone (regardless of country) - adoptive parents, adoptees, & adoption professionals

Anyone planning to attend?

Adult Adoptee Panel

Looking around the room at the adult adoptee panel discussion, I'd say it was easily the best-attended of the adult sessions. It was good to see so many adoptive parents wanting to learn.

As I mentioned before the panel consisted of 3 sisters from the same family, and they also had 3 brothers. There were two sets of sibling groups of two among the six. Five of the six were adopted from Korea, and the sixth was half Asian, half Hispanic, and a domestic adoptee. They all grew up in Tulsa, OK.

All three who spoke to us were in their 30s, beautiful, well-spoken, and seemed very happy and successful.

The domestic adoptee said she had had non-identifying information about her birth family for as long as she could remember, and she wasn't at all interested in finding out who her birth parents were. Some of that reluctance came from the circumstances -- her birth father was 55 and her birth mother 16, and worked for him. The one who was adopted from Korea at age 5 also had a brother adopted with her at 9 months of age. She said she had always wanted to find her birth parents, and was successful in doing so. She said she felt like there was an empty space inside her until she returned to Korea and met her birth family.

The third, adopted from Korea at 18 months old, said she had no information since she was found abandoned at a police station with no identifying information. She said she had no interest at all in finding her birth family, but said maybe that was because she knew it would be impossible to do so. [Afterwards, I mentioned to her that many Korean adoptees were given that same story of abandonment but then found that the adoption agency had made it up "to protect the unwed mother." I suggested that if she was interested she might contact the adoption agency. . . .] Though she said she wasn't really interested in her birth parents, because her adoptive mom and dad were her "mom and dad," she said it was really meaningful for her to have children who were biologically related to her -- it was the first time she saw someone who looked like her.

Two of the three said that they had experienced racial teasing as children -- the eye-pulling gesture and ching-chong speech. They didn't tell their parents about it. One said that such teasing made them stronger. Of the six siblings who are married, they are all married to Caucasian spouses. The sister who had actually traveled to Korea talked about feeling more comfortable with Caucasians, and feeling out of place in groups of Koreans. Another sister said she considered herself an Okie (not a derogatory term when used by an Oklahoman, I understand!) and a proud American.

One adoptive parent asked what their favorite foods were (?), and all answered with American favorites like Mom's Spaghetti and PB & banana sandwiches. The sister who had traveled to Korea said Korean foods were her favorite

They all said that their parents had offered cultural opportunities, and that their parents had always been supportive of any interest they had in searching for birth parents. Their parents had shared with them the information they had about their life before adoption. All praised their parents for what a good job they had done raising them. And all said they felt blessed to have been adopted.

I think that adoptive parents who were looking to ignore anything negative they had heard from adopted adults were pretty satisfied by the presentation. There were, however, some troubling things: the fact that they didn't tell their parents about racial teasing and their discomfort in being among Koreans, for example. This is pretty typical for Korean adoptees of that era, I think. Adoptive parents were told to raise them as [white] Americans, so many have not formed any racial identity that matches their ethnicity. I hope that my kids can feel comfortable in both cultures, though that is going to be a tall order, and probably not completely doable, Still, we'll try!

I also thought it was telling that the sister who expressed no interest in meeting biological relatives nonetheless expressed wonder at seeing her children for the first time. Perhaps she is more interested than she thinks!

The women were so gracious to come talk to us, and I learned a lot hearing about their experiences and attitudes. We always say that adoptees have a variety of attitudes toward adoption, that no one can claim to speak for all adoptees, and we had the perfect illustration of that fact in these three sisters.

Russell is Korean!

Harlow's Monkey reports that Russell in the movie Up (whom I blogged about here) is not just "Asian" anymore! He was modeled after an ethnically Korean Pixar employee.

Interesting recent news links

Internationally adopted children at risk for premature puberty

In recent years, studies have shown that internationally adopted children may be at risk for developing premature or precocious puberty. In fact, some experts speculate that they are almost 20 times more likely to do so than children born in the United States.

N. Korean women 'sold like livestock' in China

For North Korean women who run off to China, rules are rigged on both sides of the border. North Korea regards them as criminals for leaving. China refuses to recognize them as refugees, sending many back to face interrogation, hard labor and sometimes torture. Others stay on in stateless limbo, sold by brokers to Chinese men in need of fertile women and live-in labor.

What does it mean to be Asian American?

It's easy to forget that the term "Asian American" is a young one -- just a hair over 40 years old, with its first recorded public usage occurring, not coincidentally, at UC Berkeley, the gravitational center of Sixties student activism. . . . Four decades later, however, it's worth considering how far the idea of Asian America has come, and how far it can go. Does Asian American identity still have meaning?

These boys deserve so much more than I can give them

Six years after adopting two boys, Michelle Brau was still unable to form a bond with them. Now they're in a new home. She may have suffered a condition many still don't understand: post-adoption depression.

Third Mom Closes Up Shop

We've lost an important voice in the adoption blogosphere, Margie of Third Mom. She's decided to stop blogging. I'm going to miss her passion and her wisdom. I've learned a lot from her, the adoptive mom of teenagers from Korea, one of the wise been-there-done-that Foremothers of international adoption (though she's no where near old enough for that appellation!).

Her point of view, as she describes it with great understatement, "isn't the predominant one in the adoptive parent community." She looks beyond the happy-happy-joy-joy narrative of adoption that is the preferred viewpoint among adoptive parents. It hasn't always made her popular in that circle, but she has nonetheless battled on for the sake of birth mothers and adopted persons, and yes, adoptive parents who need to hear what she has to say. She passionately advocates for family preservation, open records, and ethical adoption, and will continue to do so even when not blogging on these issues, just as she has advocated for these issues even while blogging. I very much hope to be Margie when (if!) I grow up.

Thank you, Margie, for your advice, guidance, and insight. You are truly an asset to all members of the adoption community.

Adoption Book List

OK, here's my ultimate adoption book list! I've mentioned that I'm pretty OCD about adoption books for kids, right? Well, we actually own all of these books, which is completely ridiculous.

I thought it might be helpful to try to categorize them. I tried to come up with all the possible adoption topics, and then arranged the books accordingly. A lot of these topics are only mentioned, and if mentioned, I've included it. I've put a star if I think a book has done a particularly good job. Also, I've only put a hot-link the first time I mentioned the book, so if you see one under a heading that interests you, look up the list and you'll find a link to it.

Have fun! Tell us about your favorites, and let me know if you've got something that belongs on the list!

Children's Books About Adoption

Birth
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
How I Was Adopted
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey
Twice-Upon-a-Time: Born and Adopted *

Birth Parents

General
The Best Single Mom in the World
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near *
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
My Family is Forever
When You Were Born in China
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
You’re Not My REAL Mother!
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?
I Wished For You Motherbridge of Love
At Home in This World
Every Year on Your Birthday

Twice Upon-a-Time

Grief
The Mulberry Bird *
Before I Met You
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Loss
The Mulberry Bird
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?

Love
The Best Single Mom in the World
The Mulberry Bird
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
When You Were Born in China
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
Adoption Is For Always
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You *
Did My First Mother Love Me?
Motherbridge of Love

Birth Siblings
Kids Like Me in China
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *
At Home in this World *

Placement Reasons

General
The Best Single Mom in the World
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
Did My First Mother Love Me?
At Home in this World

Too Young
The Mulberry Bird *
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Adoption Is For Always

Twice Upon-a-Time
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Single Parenthood
The Mulberry Bird *

Twice Upon-a-Time

When You Were Born in China
Adoption Is For Always
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Homelessness
The Mulberry Bird

Poverty
When You Were Born in China

Child’s Illness/Disability
Kids Like Me in China
When You Were Born in China

Death/Illness/Disability of Parent
Before I Met You
At Home in this World
Horace

One Child Policy
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Kids Like Me in China *
Before I Met You
When You Were Born in China *
At Home in this World *

Social Preference for Boys
Kids Like Me in China *
Before I Met You
When You Were Born in China
At Home in this World

Abandonment (Method of Placement)
Kids Like Me in China
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey *
Before I Met You *

We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

Post-Placement Care

Orphanage
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
Our Baby From China
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You *
White Swan Express
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

A Quilt of Wishes
Every Year on Your Birthday

Foster Family
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Before I Met You
The Whole Me *

Twice Upon-a-Time
Emma’s Yucky Brother
At Home in this World

Adoptive Parents

Reasons for Adoption

General
The Best Single Mom in the World *
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
A Blessing From Above
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Our Baby From China
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Horace
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

Infertility
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born *

Screening/Application

General
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Agency
The Best Single Mom in the World *
All About Adoption
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always

Social Worker
The Mulberry Bird
All About Adoption *
The Whole Me
Emma’s Yucky Brother
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Waiting/Preparing
Happy Adoption Day
The Mulberry Bird
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
I Wished For You
A Quilt of Wishes *
Twice Upon-a-Time

Referral/The Call
Happy Adoption Day
The Best Single Mom in the World
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies
Our Baby From China
All About Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born *
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
How I Was Adopted
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
I Wished For You
Over the Moon *

Travel
Happy Adoption Day
The Best Single Mom in the World
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Our Baby From China
Over the Moon
White Swan Express *
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

First Meeting
The Best Single Mom in the World
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Our Baby From China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
White Swan Express
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
I Wished For You
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey (meeting dad)

Returning Home
Happy Adoption Day
Three Names of Me
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Our Baby From China
Over the Moon
White Swan Express
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
How I Was Adopted
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey *

Meaning of Adoption/Permanence
Mommy Far, Mommy Near *
All About Adoption
Adoption Is For Always *
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Adopted Child

Adoptee’s Feelings

Desire/Need for family
A Mother For Choco
Little Miss Spider
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Happiness
The Best Single Mom in the World
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me *
We See the Moon
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Sadness
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Before I Met You *
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
The Whole Me
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Confusion/Nervousness/Fear
The Mulberry Bird
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You *
The Whole Me
Adoption Is For Always
Emma’s Yucky Brother *
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

Loss
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
We See the Moon *
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You

Anger

Lucy's Feet
The Mulberry Bird
All About Adoption
Before I Met You
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *

Questions/Curiosity about Birth Family
The Mulberry Bird
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey
At Home in this World *
Three Names of Me *
We See the Moon *
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
My Family is Forever
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Search for Birth Family
OwlCat
The Great Call of China (young adult book)

Non-Traditional Families/Adoption

Trans-Racial

Lucy's Family Tree *
A Mother For Choco *
Little Miss Spider
Horace
OwlCat
A Blessing From Above
Chinese Eyes
I Don’t Have Your Eyes
You’re Not My REAL Mother!
Happy Adoption Day
Three Names of Me *
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption

An American Face *
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

At Home in this World
Every Year on Your Birthday

Single

The Little Green Goose (single dad)
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
White Swan Express
The Best Single Mom in the Whole World *
A Blessing From Above
White Swan Express
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

Gay/Lesbian
White Swan Express

Non-Infant Adoption
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
All About Adoption
The Whole Me
Emma’s Yucky Brother *

Siblings, Adopted and Bio

Waiting for May *
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
A New Barker in the House
Emma’s Yucky Brother
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
My Mei Mei *

Domestic Adoption in Korea and Elsewhere

From a South Korean newspaper article entitled, "Even Fertile Parents Are Deciding to Adopt Kids":

Kang Eun-mi, living in Gwacheon, Gyeonggi, is happily married with three children: a 12-year-old son and two daughters, one aged six years and the other 17 months. Kang said she loves all of her children, though only one of them is biologically hers. Kang adopted the two daughters when they were newborns.

“I wanted my son to have siblings,” Kang said. She adopted her two daughters though she was still physically capable of bearing more children, she said. Kang has been open about adoption with her family, relatives and neighbors as well as her two daughters.“I see them as my own children. Sometimes I’m confused about which one is an adoptee and which one is not,” Kang said.

Kang is one of a growing number of Koreans who choose to adopt a child, in a slow but clear departure from Confucian norms that highly value blood ties and family succession. There is an old saying in Korea: “One shouldn’t take in a hairy animal.” It literally means that one should never adopt a child. This thinking has resulted in many Koreans orphans being sent abroad. But as times change, not only are infertile
couples adopting, but so too are fertile couples, such as Kang and her husband.

I wonder if the "same as" narrative is a necessary starting point for any society trying to overcome deep-seated attitudes against adoption -- adoption is the same as building a family through birth; there's no difference between raising a biological child and raising an adopted child. The article certainly seems structured to convey this message.

Or maybe the article is just reporting that these adoptive parents are simply at a common starting point for a lot of evolving adoptive parents -- we start out believing the "same as" narrative until our understanding of our children's loss of their first families leads us to accept the "different from" narrative. (So there will be no confusion, let me say: Yes, I believe that a parent's love for his/her adopted child and for his/her biological child is the same. But a child who experienced the loss of his or her biological family is "different from" a child who has not.)

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that domestic adoption is on the increase in Korea, and that the country intends to end international adoption by 2012. I'm thrilled that Guatemala is encouraging domestic adoption, and that Russia is looking to international adoption as a last resort. I'm especially thrilled by the rise in domestic adoption in China. At least these domestically-adopted children won't experience the loss of culture that international adoption usually brings.

But I hope that other countries relatively new to "modern" domestic adoption (yes, I know many countries have ancient traditions of adoption, so I'm using "modern" adoption to connote the family-building form of adoption over adoption for inheritance purposes, or for labor purposes, etc.) can learn from the mistakes we've made (and are still making, I'm afraid) here in the U.S. (I've posted before about the "too many secrets" approach to U.S. adoption that ruled for decades, and that I think is so poisonous to the parent-child relationship).

I'm certainly encouraged by the openness of adoptive mother, Kang, in talking about adoption with her kids, her family, her neighbors. That contrasts so nicely with the report of another Korean family where the father preferred to let his parents believe that his adopted child was actually his biological child from an extramarital affair! And in China adoptive parents are using a trick not unfamiliar in the U.S. a few decades ago -- pretending a pregnancy and then claiming the adopted child as a biological child.

Maybe there's a different cultural meaning to keeping an adoption a secret in other cultures, maybe I'm guilty of Western paternalism, thinking that "our way" is the best way. But until I see studies to the contrary, I'm going to hope for openness about adoption world-wide!

Korean Adoptee Reunion Videos

Thanks to Mei-Ling for this link to a series of videos of Korean adoptees' reunions with birth mothers.

About 2:20 minutes into this one (there are 5 others), mother and son are reunited. Whew, very emotional!

Review of Adopted: The Movie

Adopted: the Movie

a film by Barb Lee

Review by malinda

What this film is about: OK, I think most of you know what this is about! I've posted about it here, and here, and here. But as the synopsis at the website explains, "one family is just beginning the process of adopting a baby from China and is filled with hope and possibility. The other family’s adopted Korean daughter is now 32 years old. Prompted by her adoptive mother’s terminal illness, she tries to create the bond they never had. The results are riveting, unpredictable and telling. While the two families are at opposite ends of the journey, their stories converge to show us that love isn’t always enough."

The stories are gripping and heartbreaking, and more than a little depressing. In some ways, it showed that new adopters are learning from mistakes of the past -- the family just adopting from China are shown watching a Mei Mei Chinese video with their daughter, for example. But then the new adoptive mother explains how her daughter has done all her grieving in China and attached to them after a few days; juxtaposed with that is 32-year-old Jennifer who is still grieving and who is still trying to build a bond with her adoptive mother after all these years.

It is painful to watch Jennifer struggle with trying to get her family to see her for who she is, in the face of what seems at times like wilful ignorance. She takes her dad to the Sons of the American Revolution building, where she explains that one of his relatives fought in the Revolutionary War so that he is entitled to membership. A worker there says female relatives are eligible for membership in Daughters of the American Revolution -- but only biological descendents. She clearly wants him to stand up for her in some way, maybe by refusing membership, but his response is almost flippant, a "too bad, we love you anyway, kid" kind of response. It is even more painful to hear her adoptive mother say that she feels nothing for her daughter's birth mother, and can't understand why she should be expected to, even as Jennifer explains that it feels like a rejection of her -- her eyes, her face, her skin. And most painful of all is to see Jennifer losing the struggle to cope by slipping into self-destructive behavior.

And then the two most painful lines in the movie for me:

"You only got her because she was abandoned. And she knows that, at a younger age than you can ever imagine.”

and

"To this point the most dangerous thing I've ever done in my life is bringing up the topic of my adoption with my family."

None of this, however, is pain to be avoided. This film is something that every adult member of a transracial adoptive family should see. I highly recommend it.

What I liked about the movie: The honesty.

It was also fun for me to see scenes of Nanning -- the daughter of the newly adopting family in China is from Guangxi Province, and I'm pretty sure I recognized those headboards as from the Majestic Hotel.

And a real positive in the movie was how supportive Jennifer's older brother -- biological child of her adoptive parents -- was of her search for identity.

What I didn't like about the movie: Jennifer is not a wholly sympathetic character -- but that, of course, is that honesty part! Those who are of a mind to dismiss what she has to say will find plenty of reasons to do so. But then, the movie would have been too pat and unrealistic if she had been portrayed as a saintly sufferer. It's just that I want everyone who sees the film to "get it," and to have no excuses to avoid understanding.

What I learned/How this film helped me: I learned that we've come a long way, and have a long, long way to go.

"Fake" adoptions so Korean kids can attend American school

Interesting article:

An increasing number of Korean parents have their children adopted by Americans working for the U.S. military to enroll them at American schools on army bases, according to parents and school staff. They say the number of adopted Korean students has recently risen at the Seoul American High School (SAHS), a Department of Defense (DoD) Dependent School at Yongsan Army Garrison in Seoul. "Recently, I saw a sharp rise in the number of adopted Korean students coming to this school. Korean people are very clever, so they do whatever is necessary for the education of their children,'' said a 40-year-old mother of two children in the 9th and 10th grades at the school. "If you visit immigration agencies in Itaewon, you can find many Koreans trying to have their children adopted by foreigners for education,'' added the woman, who declined to be named. The school's students and teachers also admitted to the rise in the number of adopted students.

* * *

Some immigration agents in Itaewon work as brokers between Korean parents and Americans.An immigration agent who has worked in the business since 1974 said many Koreans who have foreign relatives usually have their children adopted by uncles and aunts who hold foreign passports.``More than 90 percent of my customers wish to send their children to English-speaking schools. I handle three to nine cases per month,'' the agent said. He says he charges some two million won per case as commission.

He said fees parents pay to guardians differ widely. ``When not related to the guardian, the fee depends on how much the guardian requests. Usually, you need to pay step by step when you obtain either U.S. residency or citizenship.'' He said it could easily exceed 200 million won ($150,000).

Korea Aims to End IA by 2012

Excellent piece in the NYT about international adoption from Korea:

Daunted by the stigma surrounding adoption here, Cho Joong-bae and Kim In-soon delayed expanding their family for years. When they finally did six years ago, Mr. Cho chose to tell his elderly parents that the child was the result of an affair, rather than admit she was adopted. [doesn't this just tell you how strong the stigma is/was? You'd rather your parents thought you had an affair?!]

“My parents later died believing that I’d had an affair,” said Mr. Cho, 48, a civil engineer who has since adopted a second daughter.

Now, with South Korea becoming more accepting of adoptive families, Mr. Cho and Ms. Kim feel they can be more open, with relatives and nonrelatives alike. Ms. Kim, 49, attributed the change partly to the growth of other nontraditional families, like those headed by single parents or including foreign spouses.

“We feel attitudes have changed,” she said.

Just how much, though, is the critical question as the South Korean government is pushing aggressively to increase adoptions by South Koreans and decrease what officials consider the shameful act of sending babies overseas for adoption. Since the 1950s, tens of thousands of South Korean children have been adopted by foreigners, mostly Americans, because of South Koreans’ traditional emphasis on family bloodlines and reluctance to adopt.

But last year, for the first time, more babies here were adopted by South Koreans than foreigners, as the government announced recently with great fanfare: 1,388 local adoptions compared with 1,264 foreign ones. What is more, South Korea — which still is one of the top countries from which Americans adopt — has set a goal of eliminating foreign adoptions altogether by 2012.

Click here to read more. The article raises doubts that the goal is possible for special needs adoption, and shows that Korea still has a ways to go in lessening stigma associated with adoption. Adopting parents are still trying to hide the fact of adoption by faking pregnancies, changing jobs, moving, etc. And, there still seems to be prejudice about single parents -- there are complaints that allowing single-parent adoptions domestically (Korea does not allow singles in its IA program) is lowering the standards and are not in the best interest of children.

It's great to see Korea step up to the plate and tried to deal with stigma associated with unwed pregnancy and adoption. I'm wondering how much of this has been the influence of many adult adoptees from Korea who have long lobbied to end IA from Korea.

One argument they made was that international adoption actively prevented Korea from dealing with the stigma issue -- as long as Korea could send children overseas, they didn't have any incentive to try to reduce prejudice toward unwed pregnancy or try to redirect Confucian ideas about bloodlines. So the argument went that international adoption should cease so that Korea would deal with this as a domestic issue. How interesting that Korea is dealing with it BEFORE ending the IA program.

Guest Review: Once They Hear My Name

Book: Once They Hear My Name
edited by Ellen Lee, Marilyn Lemmert, Mary Anne Hess

Reviewed by Wendy

What the Book is About: The book is a compilation of several adult adoptees from Korea's story of adoption, but more importantly their journey to self-identity.

What I Liked About the Book: I really liked the diversity of the group chosen for the book and all of the advice (although not blatant that I received from reading their stories and life experiences.

What I Didn't Like About the Book: There is nothing I didn't like. However, I would have loved it to be longer!

What I Learned/How the Book Helped Me: I have learned many things about I approach parenting and things that I think are/will work and other things that I knew were important, but ingrained in my mind the significance of their importance--my daughter learning her birth language.

Wendy adds: I highly recommend!

Wendy was the first to get a review in, so has her pick of the adult books, and has chosen The Primal Wound! That means the next grown-up reviewer gets Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son (even if you have the book, you might want it as a gift for another adopter or a relative who might want to learn more!).

Thanks, Wendy!

Acceptance of Korean International Adoptees in Korea

This article touches on increased political and social acceptance in Korea of Korean international adoptees:

In September 1999, over four hundred adult adoptees from across the United States gathered in Washington to discuss their problems and experiences. "The Gathering'' as it came to be known was addressed by Korea's first lady, the wife of the then President Kim Dae-jung. This indicated an important sea change. The adoptees' search for roots was increasingly welcomed by Korean officialdom.

For decades, the issues surrounding international adoption had been ignored by Korean media and public opinion. In the 1980s, it came to be seen as a national disgrace, which was damaging the country's international image. In the 1990s, Korean authorities and corporations discovered the political and economic benefits associated with them. Indeed, most of them had been adopted by successful middle- and upper-middle-class families and were given a privileged 'starting position' in their careers. Nowadays, many of them are successful and prominent ― or, at least, well on their way to becoming successful and prominent.

Thus it comes as no surprise that the long-ignored adoptees are now being courted by Korean government agencies. To some extent, this is explained by a sense of guilt they have toward the children who were abandoned in harsh times, but political and commercial considerations are definitely playing a major role in the recent change of policies.

In reading so much lately about Korean adoption, I see so many parallels that seem to be forcasting the future for Chinese adoption. I wonder how similar it will turn out to be?

The article also mentions that Korea now accepts adoptees as "Overseas Koreans," entitled to certain benefits including eligibility for a work visa. Does anyone know of special policies for "Overseas Chinese?" Are Chinese international adoptees considered "Overseas Chinese?"

When in Xiamen, we visited the Overseas Chinese Museum there. I especially liked this poem engraved on the wall:

The Green Leaf’s Attachment to the Root
Don’t ask me where to go,
my heart is attached to you.
Don’t ask me where to go,
my passions go with you.
I am one of your green leaves,
my root is deep in your soil.
Waving farewell in spring breeze,
I leave here and go far away.
Whichever cloud I dwell upon,
my gaze is always on you.
If I sing in the wind,
the song is also for you.
So don’t ask me where to go,
my road is full of memory.
Please bless me and I’ll bless you.
This is the green leaf’s attachment to the root.
– Wang Jian

Google Trends -- Adoptee Search

Very affecting post about Google Trends at Gershom's blog:

Have you ever used “Google Trends?”
I discovered it this week, and I think its pretty cool. Its this type of search engine that allows you to type in a word or phrase and it will list the top countries, cities, states etc. that search for that term or word the most. It also gives you this map of peak times during our history that the term has been searched for. Of course, I type in “Adoptee.” I was absolutely shocked to see the results but, in reality it makes a lot of sense now that I’ve thought about it.
…
The Answer is….
…
Region who searched for “adoptee” the most: South Korea.
City who searched for “adoptee” the most: Seoul
The language its searched most in: Korean

So really I guess its no surprize. You can say that we pretty much know its not adoptive parents searching for the term “adoptee” in the Korean language, in Seoul, S. Korea. Maybe its a few adoptees, but I’d bet that its a lot of natural mothers/
fathers and siblings of the thousands of Korean adoptees residing in the United
States. It looks like its searched for, more than double of that in the United States. I bet if China didn’t censor their internet, they’d be right up there too if not the leading search.

Birth Siblings Searching?

At Jane's Blog, she is translating into English Korean-language posts to GAIPS (Global Adoption Information & Post Service) board of first families looking for adoptees. I clicked today and read:

148. Looking for my younger sister
I’m looking for my younger sister who was adopted right from the hospital. I assume that in the spring of 1981 or 1982 she was born in in Kyongnam Province, Jinju City at “Yang Maternity Home.” I don’t know which agency she went through or where she was adopted. I want to know.Father’s name is Jin Wi-chang, mother’s name is Kim Gap-yoon.
Please do a favor and help me.
shuna48

This is how I always thought it would work for finding families in China -- it would come from siblings. The older sister who remembers when her baby sister disappeared. The younger brother whose birth was permitted because his sister was abandoned. This is the generation that will leave the countryside, the small villages, the farms, and head for the bigcity. They will go to college and trade school, they'll learn about computers, they will learn English, they will have some disposable income. And they will wonder about those family stories of the disappeared. And they'll post on a family searchboard:

1357. Looking for my younger sister.
I'm looking for younger sister, born 2000.11.06.Parents placed her that day near Beijiang Bridge in Guiping.They put her in a cardboard box, wrapped in three layers of clothing, with little hat. They left note with birth date.I don't know which SWI she went through or where she was adopted.
I want to know.
Please do a favor and help me.
Jie-Jie

1587. Looking for middle sister.
Eldest sister and I, youngest brother, look for our sister. She was born 2003.09.15 at Guiping Women & Children Hospital. Parents were unable to pay hospital fees for sick baby. I don't know which SWI she went through or where she was adopted.
I want to know.
Please do a favor and help us.
DiDi & JieJie

How long did it take in Korea? Thirty years? If nothing else works, maybe my kids will have this. . . .