Nora’s Journey: A Korean Adoptee’s Life in a Chinese Family

A really fascinating story, published in a Japanese-American newspaper, of a Korean-American child adopted by a Chinese-American family in 1917:

My grandmother, Nora Kim, was born in 1917 as Esther Yoon, the fourth child to Duggar Choi Yoon and Byung Hi Yoon in Upland, Calif. Her eldest siblings, Gilbert and Anna, were born in Korea, and her brother Paul was born in Hawai‘i. After Grandma was born, her mother fell ill and her father — we believe in a state of panic — hurriedly arranged an adoption of the new baby through the church. Her mother knew nothing of the adoption until she recovered from her illness.

Grandma was adopted by a Chinese couple, Tom Chung and Yuet Lan Lee, and re-named Nora. They had been married for several childless years, but after adopting my grandmother, they had three boys in succession: Daniel, Andrew and Wilbert. Grandma’s adoptive mother had been born in San Francisco, the daughter of a wealthy matchstick factory owner who then moved back to China. She remained
behind in San Francisco, as she was an American and did not want to live in China where she would be “forced to marry some old Chinaman.”

* * *

Grandma was raised Chinese American, speaking English and Cantonese at home and learning her father’s Toisan dialect at Chinese school.

* * *

When Grandma was 12, her adoptive mother died suddenly. Her death was abrupt and shocked the family; she took ill for a short time, and then one night, her father called for a doctor because she had taken a turn for the worse. She died later that night.

After her death, her husband fell apart. In the area of Los Angeles where they lived, word must have traveled to Grandma’s Korean family about her adoptive mother’s death, because shortly thereafter she was called to her principal’s office at school. A woman and her daughter were waiting for her there, and introduced themselves as her mother and sister, Sarah.

“I didn’t believe them, I thought they were crazy!” Grandma had never heard of Koreans, much less suspected she was Korean herself. In her world, Asians were either Chinese or Japanese. Her mother and sister visited her again at school, and then were asked not to come back. “I would see my Korean mother once in a while, standing outside of the school gate, watching me. I was a little scared — I didn’t know what to do. I asked my aunt about it, and she told me to ignore them. Then she shooed me out of the room to talk to my father. I bet that’s what they were talking about.” Grandma learned later that her Korean mother would sometimes disappear from her cleaning shop to watch her in the schoolyard.

One day, the same woman and a man came to her house. They told her they were her parents, and would like her to come visit their home and meet her brothers and sisters.Grandma asked her Chinese father when he got home if what they said was true, but he never addressed the adoption. He just said that maybe she should go and visit. So one day, she did.

Grandma met her brothers, Gilbert, Paul and Chuck, and her sisters, Sarah and Mary. The eldest sister, Anna, was already out of the house — married with a baby. Because her adoptive father struggled after his wife’s death and eventually lost the house on 9th Place, Grandma went to live with her Korean family.

Click here to read the whole thing! And marvel at the relative openness of adoption at that time -- the birth family knew at all times where she was. Still, not the halcyon days of yore -- she was not told she was adopted or Korean until she was 12 and her adoptive mother had died.

Report: Korean Birth Mother Presentation

Sorry it’s taken me so long to report on the birth mother presentation. I planned to blog about it as soon as I got the girls to bed last night, but I was exhausted, and went to bed at 8:30!

I am SO glad I went to this presentation. It was incredibly powerful and emotional. (That emotion was the cause of the exhaustion, in fact!). The two birth mothers spoke very honestly about their experiences, and as the friend who accompanied me said, the wounds were so obvious on them.

One birth mother was 25, and is now in college studying social work and working with the Eastern Social Welfare Society (ESWS) in Seoul, S. Korea, the same organization through which she placed her child. She looked like a typical college student, except that she looked 16! She had long hair and was wearing a pink flowing skirt, a sparkly tee, multiple necklaces and earrings, cool glasses, and a completely closed expression. She said she had broken up with her boyfriend before she knew she was pregnant. When she contacted him to tell him, he said he didn’t want a baby and she should get rid of it. She went to get an abortion, but couldn’t go through with it when she heard the baby’s heartbeat. She intended to keep the baby, but with morning sickness she couldn’t work, and asked a social worker friend for help. The friend told her about Eastern, and she went to their unwed mothers home. She saw women there who had kept their babies, which gave her hope that she could do the same. She wrote her mother to tell her of the pregnancy and that she wanted to keep the baby. Her mom was completely opposed to her keeping the baby. After much thought and counseling and input from her mother, she made the hard decision to place her baby. She wanted the baby to have two parents, since she was raised by her mom alone. She wanted international adoption, because it would be “semi-open,” meaning that she would get information about the baby once a year. After deciding to relinquish her child for adoption, she was able to visit the baby once a month until the child left Korea.

She said the hardest part of adoption was once she had made the decision. She couldn’t handle seeing babies the same age as hers. She would be in despair, thinking, “Why me? Why can’t I have my baby when these other people have their babies? Why did I only get to hold my baby for a few hours?” She said at times she thought of suicide, and felt she had nothing to live for. She blamed her mother, she blamed herself. She tried suicide once. And another time when she thought she couldn’t live another minute, she heard from the agency that they had received an update about the baby from the adoptive parents. That was and is her greatest joy, getting updates about the baby. She decided that she wanted to improve herself, and live a good life, for her baby, whom she described as “my joy, hope, and life.” She said she knows the most joyous day will be when she can see her baby again.

One reason the updates about the baby were so important to her is that she drank at the beginning of her pregnancy and is so sorry about that, and worries about the effects on the baby’s health.

The older birth mother was 33, and had placed her baby for adoption 2 years ago. She was a little plump, and simply dressed in a blouse and khaki capris. She was single and pregnant, and she told us about going into labor at home, and not being able to make it to the hospital. She was alone, and had to cut the umbilical cord herself. The baby was fine at first, but became sick. She took him to the hospital, where he had to stay for a week. She didn’t know what to do, planned to raise her child, but contacted Eastern for help. She stayed at the home for unwed mothers with her baby. Every day she changed her mind about what to do. First she wanted to raise her baby, then she’d think what was best for the baby would be to place him for adoption, and then she’d change her mind again. She worried that she wouldn’t be able to give her baby opportunities, was worried about the social stigma of unwed birth that would attach to the baby. She said that when the baby was inside her, it was possible to think of them together as just one person, but when he was born and became another person, she had to think more about what would be in his best interest. Six weeks after the baby was born, she decided to place him for adoption. At first she wanted domestic adoption in Korea, but there was no possibility of an open adoption in Korea. With international adoption, she would be able to hear about the baby through the agency, and could perhaps see the baby again one day.

The worst day was when she took the baby to the agency for placement. She bathed and dressed him, and he was very, very fussy. He was usually a happy baby, so she thought he knew what was about to happen. At the agency, she felt cut in half, holding the baby with one hand and signing him away with the other. Going home alone, she could still hear his cries and smell baby smells. She would find her body still rocking him when he wasn’t in her arms any more. Once the baby was gone, she had so much free time and nothing to do but think of him and eat and eat and eat. She began drinking as well to deal with her grief. She changed from an optimistic person to someone mired in grief. She drank for 1.5 years, and is better now. She wants to do well for her baby. She has a new job, and they know about her baby, and they have been very supportive, even letting her take time to come to America to make this presentation.

She also was able to visit her baby before he left Korea. It was wonderful to see him each month, but hard to leave each time and hard to wait for the next visit. She wanted to make the visits, though, because she never wanted him to think she had abandoned him. And on his first birthday, the agency had a birthday party for him and she attended. She was so happy to see him there – he walked! And she loved to see that he liked to eat, just like her. She was very happy to see something of herself in her baby.

After the birth mothers and others talked (more about that in another post), there was a Q & A period. We were asked to write our questions on an index card and pass them up, and the moderator asked the questions.

The first question was, “Why did you come to talk to us and are you glad you did?”

They both answered that they wanted to puncture stereotypes adoptive parents might have about birth mothers. They wanted to stand up for the unwed mothers of Korea. And one said she wanted to know what life in America was like so she could see what life for her baby was like.

The question I asked was, true to AdoptionTalk, “What do you want adoptive parents to tell their kids about birth mothers?” I was almost sorry I asked, because it brought the younger birth mother to tears. But she said that before she was a birth mother, she had a very negative impression of adoption and birth mothers. She had watched TV shows where Korean adoptees said that their birth mothers abandoned them, and she thought that was how babies were adopted – they were all abandoned. She spoke forcefully and said, “I did not abandon my child.” She said she loved her baby and made the best decision she could for her child. She wanted adoptive parents to tell the children that their birth mothers loved them and did not abandon them. The older birth mother said the same, and added, “Sometimes love isn’t enough. I wanted my baby to have a better life. Tell them we love the babies, but we made a decision for their life.”

I also asked about how many women who are served by Eastern decide to parent rather than relinquish their children, and what services are offered to them. The social worker from Eastern said that currently 30% of the women at the unwed mother’s home decide to parent their children. She said that in the past it used to be very rare, but the trend is for more women to parent. She says that Eastern helps with counseling, short-term help with diapers and clothing, and help finding long-term housing. She also said the Korean government offers some support for single parents, but that it is not adequate.

There were an adoptive parent and an adult adoptee on the panel as well, I’ll post more about what they had to say later.

The birth mothers cried, the social workers cried, the adoptive mother on the panel cried, the audience cried, I cried. And it was so worth going!

"Adoption is Painful"

Food for thought from Lorraine at Birth Mother/First Mother Forum:

And most of all, this is for the young teen who left a comment recently at Birth Mother/First Mother Forum. She said she was crying inside because she doesn't know who she is. "I want to know if I have my dad's eyes and my mother's nose," she wrote. "Can anyone help me to start to search? My parents can't--actually won't...."

Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

She asked us to keep this confidential--but I think she thought we could reach her by email. We have no way to reach her because when someone posts a comment, we can not respond to her or him because we do not have access to his or her email address. So I'll leave her name off here, and no one will ever connect it to the young writer, whom I hope has come back to find this. We are thinking about you and we send you all the love we can through the air. And we wish from the bottom of our hearts that we could reach across the nether and somehow find your first mother for you.

But what can we say to stop the hurt, what can we realistically do to fix the problem? Though we have the power of the word and the communication offered by the Internet, we can't go in and shake up those adoptive parents, like we would like to, and tell them how much their daughter is in pain, and how much they could help by simply opening up the conversation.

Adult Adoptee Panel

Looking around the room at the adult adoptee panel discussion, I'd say it was easily the best-attended of the adult sessions. It was good to see so many adoptive parents wanting to learn.

As I mentioned before the panel consisted of 3 sisters from the same family, and they also had 3 brothers. There were two sets of sibling groups of two among the six. Five of the six were adopted from Korea, and the sixth was half Asian, half Hispanic, and a domestic adoptee. They all grew up in Tulsa, OK.

All three who spoke to us were in their 30s, beautiful, well-spoken, and seemed very happy and successful.

The domestic adoptee said she had had non-identifying information about her birth family for as long as she could remember, and she wasn't at all interested in finding out who her birth parents were. Some of that reluctance came from the circumstances -- her birth father was 55 and her birth mother 16, and worked for him. The one who was adopted from Korea at age 5 also had a brother adopted with her at 9 months of age. She said she had always wanted to find her birth parents, and was successful in doing so. She said she felt like there was an empty space inside her until she returned to Korea and met her birth family.

The third, adopted from Korea at 18 months old, said she had no information since she was found abandoned at a police station with no identifying information. She said she had no interest at all in finding her birth family, but said maybe that was because she knew it would be impossible to do so. [Afterwards, I mentioned to her that many Korean adoptees were given that same story of abandonment but then found that the adoption agency had made it up "to protect the unwed mother." I suggested that if she was interested she might contact the adoption agency. . . .] Though she said she wasn't really interested in her birth parents, because her adoptive mom and dad were her "mom and dad," she said it was really meaningful for her to have children who were biologically related to her -- it was the first time she saw someone who looked like her.

Two of the three said that they had experienced racial teasing as children -- the eye-pulling gesture and ching-chong speech. They didn't tell their parents about it. One said that such teasing made them stronger. Of the six siblings who are married, they are all married to Caucasian spouses. The sister who had actually traveled to Korea talked about feeling more comfortable with Caucasians, and feeling out of place in groups of Koreans. Another sister said she considered herself an Okie (not a derogatory term when used by an Oklahoman, I understand!) and a proud American.

One adoptive parent asked what their favorite foods were (?), and all answered with American favorites like Mom's Spaghetti and PB & banana sandwiches. The sister who had traveled to Korea said Korean foods were her favorite

They all said that their parents had offered cultural opportunities, and that their parents had always been supportive of any interest they had in searching for birth parents. Their parents had shared with them the information they had about their life before adoption. All praised their parents for what a good job they had done raising them. And all said they felt blessed to have been adopted.

I think that adoptive parents who were looking to ignore anything negative they had heard from adopted adults were pretty satisfied by the presentation. There were, however, some troubling things: the fact that they didn't tell their parents about racial teasing and their discomfort in being among Koreans, for example. This is pretty typical for Korean adoptees of that era, I think. Adoptive parents were told to raise them as [white] Americans, so many have not formed any racial identity that matches their ethnicity. I hope that my kids can feel comfortable in both cultures, though that is going to be a tall order, and probably not completely doable, Still, we'll try!

I also thought it was telling that the sister who expressed no interest in meeting biological relatives nonetheless expressed wonder at seeing her children for the first time. Perhaps she is more interested than she thinks!

The women were so gracious to come talk to us, and I learned a lot hearing about their experiences and attitudes. We always say that adoptees have a variety of attitudes toward adoption, that no one can claim to speak for all adoptees, and we had the perfect illustration of that fact in these three sisters.

Adoption Voices: Adoptive Parents for Open Records

Have you heard of Adoption Voices, the social network for adoption? It's kind of like Facebook, but all adoption, all the time. There are groups and blogs and forums and who knows what all -- I just found out about it, so haven't really explored.

Margie of Third Mom and Komapseumnida (I told Margie that every time I see the name of her new blog I think of Mae West ("Come up and see me sometime!"), though I have no idea how it's actually pronounced in Korean!) has started a group at Adoption Voices: Adoptive Parents for Open Records. If you believe as I do, and as Margie does, that "an adopted person's right to their original birth certificate. . . . is a human and civil right," then please join the group.

Adoption Book List

OK, here's my ultimate adoption book list! I've mentioned that I'm pretty OCD about adoption books for kids, right? Well, we actually own all of these books, which is completely ridiculous.

I thought it might be helpful to try to categorize them. I tried to come up with all the possible adoption topics, and then arranged the books accordingly. A lot of these topics are only mentioned, and if mentioned, I've included it. I've put a star if I think a book has done a particularly good job. Also, I've only put a hot-link the first time I mentioned the book, so if you see one under a heading that interests you, look up the list and you'll find a link to it.

Have fun! Tell us about your favorites, and let me know if you've got something that belongs on the list!

Children's Books About Adoption

Birth
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
How I Was Adopted
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey
Twice-Upon-a-Time: Born and Adopted *

Birth Parents

General
The Best Single Mom in the World
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near *
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
My Family is Forever
When You Were Born in China
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
You’re Not My REAL Mother!
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?
I Wished For You Motherbridge of Love
At Home in This World
Every Year on Your Birthday

Twice Upon-a-Time

Grief
The Mulberry Bird *
Before I Met You
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Loss
The Mulberry Bird
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You
Did My First Mother Love Me?

Love
The Best Single Mom in the World
The Mulberry Bird
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
When You Were Born in China
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
Adoption Is For Always
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You *
Did My First Mother Love Me?
Motherbridge of Love

Birth Siblings
Kids Like Me in China
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *
At Home in this World *

Placement Reasons

General
The Best Single Mom in the World
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
Did My First Mother Love Me?
At Home in this World

Too Young
The Mulberry Bird *
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Adoption Is For Always

Twice Upon-a-Time
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Single Parenthood
The Mulberry Bird *

Twice Upon-a-Time

When You Were Born in China
Adoption Is For Always
Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You

Homelessness
The Mulberry Bird

Poverty
When You Were Born in China

Child’s Illness/Disability
Kids Like Me in China
When You Were Born in China

Death/Illness/Disability of Parent
Before I Met You
At Home in this World
Horace

One Child Policy
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Kids Like Me in China *
Before I Met You
When You Were Born in China *
At Home in this World *

Social Preference for Boys
Kids Like Me in China *
Before I Met You
When You Were Born in China
At Home in this World

Abandonment (Method of Placement)
Kids Like Me in China
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey *
Before I Met You *

We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

Post-Placement Care

Orphanage
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
Our Baby From China
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You *
White Swan Express
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

A Quilt of Wishes
Every Year on Your Birthday

Foster Family
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Before I Met You
The Whole Me *

Twice Upon-a-Time
Emma’s Yucky Brother
At Home in this World

Adoptive Parents

Reasons for Adoption

General
The Best Single Mom in the World *
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
A Blessing From Above
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Our Baby From China
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Horace
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

Infertility
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born *

Screening/Application

General
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Agency
The Best Single Mom in the World *
All About Adoption
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always

Social Worker
The Mulberry Bird
All About Adoption *
The Whole Me
Emma’s Yucky Brother
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Waiting/Preparing
Happy Adoption Day
The Mulberry Bird
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
All About Adoption
Over the Moon *
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
I Wished For You
A Quilt of Wishes *
Twice Upon-a-Time

Referral/The Call
Happy Adoption Day
The Best Single Mom in the World
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies
Our Baby From China
All About Adoption
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born *
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
How I Was Adopted
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
I Wished For You
Over the Moon *

Travel
Happy Adoption Day
The Best Single Mom in the World
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Our Baby From China
Over the Moon
White Swan Express *
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

First Meeting
The Best Single Mom in the World
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Our Baby From China
All About Adoption
Over the Moon
White Swan Express
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
My Family is Forever
How I Was Adopted
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
I Wished For You
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey (meeting dad)

Returning Home
Happy Adoption Day
Three Names of Me
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Our Baby From China
Over the Moon
White Swan Express
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
How I Was Adopted
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey *

Meaning of Adoption/Permanence
Mommy Far, Mommy Near *
All About Adoption
Adoption Is For Always *
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Adopted Child

Adoptee’s Feelings

Desire/Need for family
A Mother For Choco
Little Miss Spider
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Happiness
The Best Single Mom in the World
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me *
We See the Moon
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish

Sadness
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
Mommy Far, Mommy Near
Before I Met You *
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
The Whole Me
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Confusion/Nervousness/Fear
The Mulberry Bird
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You *
The Whole Me
Adoption Is For Always
Emma’s Yucky Brother *
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
At Home in this World

Loss
The Mulberry Bird
Three Names of Me
We See the Moon *
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption
Before I Met You

Anger

Lucy's Feet
The Mulberry Bird
All About Adoption
Before I Met You
Adoption Is For Always
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *

Questions/Curiosity about Birth Family
The Mulberry Bird
An Mei's Strange and Wondrous Journey
At Home in this World *
Three Names of Me *
We See the Moon *
Kids Like Me in China
All About Adoption
Before I Met You
Let’s Talk About It: Adoption
My Family is Forever
Adoption Is For Always
The Whole Me
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo

Search for Birth Family
OwlCat
The Great Call of China (young adult book)

Non-Traditional Families/Adoption

Trans-Racial

Lucy's Family Tree *
A Mother For Choco *
Little Miss Spider
Horace
OwlCat
A Blessing From Above
Chinese Eyes
I Don’t Have Your Eyes
You’re Not My REAL Mother!
Happy Adoption Day
Three Names of Me *
Kids Like Me in China *
All About Adoption

An American Face *
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo *
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

At Home in this World
Every Year on Your Birthday

Single

The Little Green Goose (single dad)
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes *
White Swan Express
The Best Single Mom in the Whole World *
A Blessing From Above
White Swan Express
Mama’s Wish/Daughter’s Wish
I Wished For You
Motherbridge of Love

Gay/Lesbian
White Swan Express

Non-Infant Adoption
Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies *
All About Adoption
The Whole Me
Emma’s Yucky Brother *

Siblings, Adopted and Bio

Waiting for May *
Made in China: A Story of Adoption
A New Barker in the House
Emma’s Yucky Brother
We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo
My Mei Mei *

Same Story, 30 Years Later

John Raible posts after hearing a 17-year-old transracial adoptee talking on a panel about his experiences as the only person of color in his school and community:

As I listened to the panelist with the darkest skin-color speak about his ugly experiences with racism, I found myself becoming both saddened and angry. This outspoken 17 year old articulated a crystal clear perspective about his isolation as one of the only Latinos in his school. To me, he sounded resigned to feeling powerless and outnumbered as a young Latino male. I was struck by how hurt, angry, and disappointed he sounded, very similar to how I must have come across as a teen panelist, when I was invited to speak about my personal experiences growing up in a largely white environment– and that was thirty years ago.

In the three decades since I went through my own tumultuous adolescence, we have learned enough about race and the persistence of racism, that we should be able to anticipate, if not predict outright, how this young man’s white classmates and neighbors will respond to his presence in their otherwise all-white social environment. In short, we know that racism persists, and that there are steps we can (and must) take to protect and support children of color who live in these hostile, unwelcoming environments where miseducated whiteness is the norm. We also have learned enough about adoption and its lifelong consequences to be in a position to better prepare families like his for the questions, concerns, and predictable developmental milestones experienced by many adoptees.

Yet, even with all this compiled research and information about race and adoption, parents still have not received the message. Too many families still think it is acceptable in 2009 to raise children of color in oppressive white environments as the only brown person for miles around. How many more panels must we sit through where adopted teens tell their heart-wrenching stories before agencies will stop approving the social isolation of adoptees of color? How many more adoptees must sit on panels to share with audiences their stories of single-handedly integrating their otherwise all-white communities?

Click here to read more of this powerful post.

Growing Up in China

From USA Today:

GUANGZHOU, China — The White Swan is empty. The five-star hotel here that
historically has housed American couples looking to adopt Chinese babies now only sees a slow trickle of would-be foster [sic] parents after the Chinese adopted a raft of stricter rules a few years back. The cribs and baby strollers the hotel lends out sit idle. The tables in its 1980s-era lounge overlooking the Pearl River are gloomily vacant.

None of this bodes well for American couples looking to adopt here, but it highlights the progress China has made as social mores here shift for the better.

Since 1989, China has sent more orphans — over 70,000 — to the United States than any other country. American couples flock here because its system is far smoother and more transparent than most. And China's one-child policy has resulted in millions of baby girls left abandoned, not to mention millions more aborted. The likelihood that your adopted girl is an actual orphan and does not suffer from, say, prenatal alcohol syndrome, is greater in China than most places. And let's face it, Chinese babies are cute — something the authorities here play up. (Why else would they pick a cute girl to lip-sync the Chinese national anthem at the Olympics?) But adoptions are down dramatically, as a result of the restrictions imposed in 2007: just fewer than 4,000 Chinese babies were adopted by American couples last year, about half the total in 2005.

Much is fair game to disqualify prospective parents: Age (nobody under 30), marital history and sexual orientation all matter now. Even issues of health — being overweight or taking antidepressants — can nix a couple's application. That has Americans frustrated.

* * *

But China's new adoption rules, while onerous, simply reflect its evolution into a more modern society. After all, Beijing is well within its right to decide its own rules and weed out unhealthy parents. Why shouldn't it try to prevent its orphans from inhaling secondhand smoke? China also appears to be relaxing its laws on the number of children Chinese families can have. . .
.

As income levels in China rise, more couples are just breaking the one-child policy and paying the fine (about $5,000). Adoptions by Chinese couples are up. And social attitudes are evolving, too, resulting in fewer parents discarding their daughters. Half the Sky Foundation, a U.S.-based nonprofit, reports that fewer healthy babies are entering its orphanages in China.

Of course, data are difficult to verify, but these anecdotal trends are positive. What's more, the notion of American foster [sic] parents rescuing abandoned orphans from Dickensian state-run institutions, while romantic, may be somewhat overblown. "Unfortunately, this story is largely fiction," E.J. Graff of Brandeis University wrote recently in Foreign Policy.

Most orphans are older than 5, sick or disfigured — not the kind most Westerners want. Think of the baby in the newspaper staring up at readers with a cleft lip.

Even so, it seems unfair: At a time when a California woman makes headlines for giving birth to octuplets, there are thousands of infertile American couples for whom foreign adoption remains their best — and least costly — option for parenthood. Their prospects are only exacerbated by China's tougher regulations.

But it signals good news for Chinese society, which is becoming more welcoming toward its newborn daughters and domestic adoption. Were the White Swan to close, nobody in China would probably mind.

It would be harder to find a more offensive piece highlighting a positive trend, I'd think. Can't wait for this guy to get inundated with hate mail from the parents of cleft-affected children, for example!

Add the internal inconsistencies -- there are fewer children in orphanages, but the reason adoptions are down are because of stricter standards imposed on adoptive parents? Huh? And China is imposing draconian rules to weed out adoptive parents but enticing them with cute girls lip-synching at the Olympics?! Then there are the inaccuracies -- the references to adoptive parents as "foster parents" suggest the author knows little about adoption -- that's pretty basic terminology to screw up.

Then there's the stuff glossed over or deliberately obfuscated -- yes, the Graff article in Foreign Policy debunks the myth of millions of healthy orphan infants waiting for rescue, but she says barely anything about China! Indeed, in talking about this myth, she says quite clearly, "The exception is China." We have a mention here that Half the Sky has seen the numbers decline in its orphanages -- how many orphanages is that exactly?!

I can be pretty hard on adoptive parents with a rescue mentality, or who feel entitled to adopt from China; and I've said before that I'm pleased that trends suggest fewer abandonments and increased domestic adoption in China. Nonetheless, THIS opinion piece is just awful! It's so easy to poke holes in the piece that it does more harm than good to his message that fewer international adoptions from China is a good thing (a sentiment I largely agree with!).

Domestic Adoption in Korea and Elsewhere

From a South Korean newspaper article entitled, "Even Fertile Parents Are Deciding to Adopt Kids":

Kang Eun-mi, living in Gwacheon, Gyeonggi, is happily married with three children: a 12-year-old son and two daughters, one aged six years and the other 17 months. Kang said she loves all of her children, though only one of them is biologically hers. Kang adopted the two daughters when they were newborns.

“I wanted my son to have siblings,” Kang said. She adopted her two daughters though she was still physically capable of bearing more children, she said. Kang has been open about adoption with her family, relatives and neighbors as well as her two daughters.“I see them as my own children. Sometimes I’m confused about which one is an adoptee and which one is not,” Kang said.

Kang is one of a growing number of Koreans who choose to adopt a child, in a slow but clear departure from Confucian norms that highly value blood ties and family succession. There is an old saying in Korea: “One shouldn’t take in a hairy animal.” It literally means that one should never adopt a child. This thinking has resulted in many Koreans orphans being sent abroad. But as times change, not only are infertile
couples adopting, but so too are fertile couples, such as Kang and her husband.

I wonder if the "same as" narrative is a necessary starting point for any society trying to overcome deep-seated attitudes against adoption -- adoption is the same as building a family through birth; there's no difference between raising a biological child and raising an adopted child. The article certainly seems structured to convey this message.

Or maybe the article is just reporting that these adoptive parents are simply at a common starting point for a lot of evolving adoptive parents -- we start out believing the "same as" narrative until our understanding of our children's loss of their first families leads us to accept the "different from" narrative. (So there will be no confusion, let me say: Yes, I believe that a parent's love for his/her adopted child and for his/her biological child is the same. But a child who experienced the loss of his or her biological family is "different from" a child who has not.)

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that domestic adoption is on the increase in Korea, and that the country intends to end international adoption by 2012. I'm thrilled that Guatemala is encouraging domestic adoption, and that Russia is looking to international adoption as a last resort. I'm especially thrilled by the rise in domestic adoption in China. At least these domestically-adopted children won't experience the loss of culture that international adoption usually brings.

But I hope that other countries relatively new to "modern" domestic adoption (yes, I know many countries have ancient traditions of adoption, so I'm using "modern" adoption to connote the family-building form of adoption over adoption for inheritance purposes, or for labor purposes, etc.) can learn from the mistakes we've made (and are still making, I'm afraid) here in the U.S. (I've posted before about the "too many secrets" approach to U.S. adoption that ruled for decades, and that I think is so poisonous to the parent-child relationship).

I'm certainly encouraged by the openness of adoptive mother, Kang, in talking about adoption with her kids, her family, her neighbors. That contrasts so nicely with the report of another Korean family where the father preferred to let his parents believe that his adopted child was actually his biological child from an extramarital affair! And in China adoptive parents are using a trick not unfamiliar in the U.S. a few decades ago -- pretending a pregnancy and then claiming the adopted child as a biological child.

Maybe there's a different cultural meaning to keeping an adoption a secret in other cultures, maybe I'm guilty of Western paternalism, thinking that "our way" is the best way. But until I see studies to the contrary, I'm going to hope for openness about adoption world-wide!

Guatemala recruiting adoptive parents internally

Good news -- another country working on increasing domestic adoption and foster care:

At church on Sundays, Juliana Tocay fibs and introduces 3-year-old Katerin as her daughter. The truth is too complicated to explain.Tocay is Katerin's foster mother, making her family part of a much-watched test of whether this Central American nation can take care of its own needy children.After essentially closing off the pipeline that sent nearly 5,000 children for adoptions in the U.S. last year, Guatemala has launched an ambitious campaign to recruit foster parents and even adoptive parents at home. Only a few dozen families are participating and, as Tocay's experience illustrates, it will be a tall order to change the culture of a country that typically views only biological children as true members of the family.

Sounds like it will be a hard road, but I think it's great that Guatemala is taking first steps. Click here to read more.

Korea Aims to End IA by 2012

Excellent piece in the NYT about international adoption from Korea:

Daunted by the stigma surrounding adoption here, Cho Joong-bae and Kim In-soon delayed expanding their family for years. When they finally did six years ago, Mr. Cho chose to tell his elderly parents that the child was the result of an affair, rather than admit she was adopted. [doesn't this just tell you how strong the stigma is/was? You'd rather your parents thought you had an affair?!]

“My parents later died believing that I’d had an affair,” said Mr. Cho, 48, a civil engineer who has since adopted a second daughter.

Now, with South Korea becoming more accepting of adoptive families, Mr. Cho and Ms. Kim feel they can be more open, with relatives and nonrelatives alike. Ms. Kim, 49, attributed the change partly to the growth of other nontraditional families, like those headed by single parents or including foreign spouses.

“We feel attitudes have changed,” she said.

Just how much, though, is the critical question as the South Korean government is pushing aggressively to increase adoptions by South Koreans and decrease what officials consider the shameful act of sending babies overseas for adoption. Since the 1950s, tens of thousands of South Korean children have been adopted by foreigners, mostly Americans, because of South Koreans’ traditional emphasis on family bloodlines and reluctance to adopt.

But last year, for the first time, more babies here were adopted by South Koreans than foreigners, as the government announced recently with great fanfare: 1,388 local adoptions compared with 1,264 foreign ones. What is more, South Korea — which still is one of the top countries from which Americans adopt — has set a goal of eliminating foreign adoptions altogether by 2012.

Click here to read more. The article raises doubts that the goal is possible for special needs adoption, and shows that Korea still has a ways to go in lessening stigma associated with adoption. Adopting parents are still trying to hide the fact of adoption by faking pregnancies, changing jobs, moving, etc. And, there still seems to be prejudice about single parents -- there are complaints that allowing single-parent adoptions domestically (Korea does not allow singles in its IA program) is lowering the standards and are not in the best interest of children.

It's great to see Korea step up to the plate and tried to deal with stigma associated with unwed pregnancy and adoption. I'm wondering how much of this has been the influence of many adult adoptees from Korea who have long lobbied to end IA from Korea.

One argument they made was that international adoption actively prevented Korea from dealing with the stigma issue -- as long as Korea could send children overseas, they didn't have any incentive to try to reduce prejudice toward unwed pregnancy or try to redirect Confucian ideas about bloodlines. So the argument went that international adoption should cease so that Korea would deal with this as a domestic issue. How interesting that Korea is dealing with it BEFORE ending the IA program.

Newsweek: Decline in Foreign Adoption in America

Newsweek is running a brief story on the decline of foreign adoption in the U.S.:

If Brangelina is any indication, American interest in adopting foreign children is stronger than ever. So why is the United States adopting fewer of them? According to early projections by the State Department, foreign adoptions have dropped an estimated 10 percent from last year—the fourth straight year of decline since the high-water mark of 22,884 in 2004. Experts say the downward trend is likely to continue as countries such as Russia, Guatemala and China, which in recent years had been among the largest providers of orphans for adoption, have either dialed back their programs or ended them entirely. "It's not that American interest has diminished at all, or that there are fewer kids who need homes," says Chuck Johnson of the National Council for Adoption. "The declines are directly the result of bureaucratic or political issues."

Their interactive graph gives additional information when you click on the lines (mine is just a pretty picture of their graph -- not interactive!), and for several of the countries, including Korea, Russia and Ukraine, officials cite declining birth rates in their countries as increasing interest in domestic adoption.

Letters to Santa

Now THIS appeals to me! Though the open records issue does not impact me as an international adopter, I heartily support legislation in the American states to provide original birth certificates to adoptees. If you watched the "Vital Records" video (and even if you haven't) and are ready for a bit of activism, here's a very, very simple way to help:

WANTED: Letters to Santa

Adoption Reform Illinois wants to raise public awareness that adult adoptees cannot legally obtain an original birth certificate in Illinois.Those who should write letters are:

adoptees

birth parents

adoptive parents

relatives, i.e. spouses, children, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and those who have found an adoptee on their family tree

friends who are aware of the need someone is feeling to have an original birth certificate

Letters should be addressed to:

Santa Claus
% Mary Lynn Fuller
109 W. Illinois St., Apt. 506
Urbana, IL 61801

Letters can be signed with just a first name or your full name. Just keep in mind that your letter could be selected to submit to the news media.

Although Christmas is a few weeks away, write now. "Santa" will deliver the letters to Vital Records in Springfield before Christmas.The more letters, the better!

Example letters but please use your own words:

1)Dear Santa,All I want for Christmas is my original birth certificate. 50 years ago when my adoption was finalized, it was sealed. I have family and friends who were not adopted and they have their OBC.Sincerely,Mary (last name optional)

2)Dear Santa,All I want for Christmas is for my wife/husband/ sister/brother/ daughter/ son/ niece/nephew/granddaughter/grandson to have their original birth certifcate. Thank you,Mary (last name optional)

3)Dear Santa,While tracing my family history I've discovered that my great-grandmother was adopted. All I want for Christmas is her original birth certificate so that I can prove lineage to join societies.Thank you,Mary (last name optional)

4)Dear Santa,My friend Sandy is adopted and has been denied her original birth certificate. All I want for Christmas is for Sandy to have it.SincerelyMary (last name optional)

Vital Records

I show this video in my Adoption Law class, and students find it very moving. The lack of information in China adoption makes me very sympathetic to American domestic adoptees who want their original birth certificates. I'll post later about a simple way to get involved in the campaign for open records, but wanted to give you some background about it first! The actual documentary starts right at the 5 minute mark in the first YouTube video.

Rise in Domestic Adoption in China

China Daily reports that fewer kids are available for foreign adoption because domestic adoption is on the rise. I've seen this reported elsewhere, and I do believe it is true. As the article reports, changing attitudes toward adoption and greater affluence account for the rise in domestic adoption.


But a couple of things in the article are troubling. First, the lovely little chart that shows that ALL the kids registered for adoption got adopted. Hah! It makes it sound that all children in Chinese orphanages are getting adopted. Hah! (Did I say that already?! It bears repeating.) Hah! I do believe that fewer children are being abandoned -- a combination of better economic times and slowly changing attitudes about girls. But, still, HAH!


The other troubling thing -- this quote from a government official: "Now more and more Chinese people are adopting kids simply because they love children and are proud to become foster parents." Foster parents? I'm hoping that's a translation error, and that these adoptions are in fact seen as permanent. When we were in Xiamen, one of our Chinese friends told us that in Shanghai, where she was from, it was not uncommon for couples to bring orphans home for just a year or so, and then return them to the SWI. I asked lots of questions about whether these were foster care situations? No. Were these situation where to placement didn't work out? No, parents just changed their minds. Ouch! Of course, this is merely anectdotal evidence . . . .

Don't get me wrong -- I am thrilled that domestic adoption is growing in China. I've always seen myself as my kids' third-best option. Best would have been being raised by their birthparents (poverty isn't a good enough reason to remove children from parents), second best would have been a domestic adoption where there would be no loss of culture or language (political oppression isn't a good enough reason to remove children from their culture), and third best is international adoption. (No, I don't tell my kids that (at least not yet!) -- I have enough trouble on the "I get no respect" front!)

But China does have a way to go in terms of parenting adopted children. The "No More Secrets" philosophy hasn't reached there yet. When we went back to meet Maya's foster parents last year, they were proudly telling us about their other foster kids -- Maya was their first, their second was adopted domestically by a family in Guangzhou, their third was adopted to the U.S., and their current foster child just had her file sent to CCAA. I was curious about the domestic adoption -- why a Guangzhou Province family rather than a Guangxi Province family? Our guide explained that it was common to adopt from another province so as to make it easier to keep the adoption secret. He said that families were advised, in fact, to fake a pregnancy to better hide the adoption. Sound familiar? U.S. circa 1940-69?

Even given this, I still think domestic adoption is a better option for Chinese kids than international adoption. And I wonder if, culturally, the "too many secrets" approach is less harmful to adopted kids in China than we've found it here. I hope Chinese scholars and social works are studying this phenomenon. And I wonder what kind of education program there is for parents seeking to adopt domestically in China. If anyone has any information, I'd love to hear it.