When we were driving around last night to get balloons to send off the girls' Father's Day wishes, the girls kept talking about sending a note to their birth parents, not to their birth fathers. I threw out a question casually: "When you think about your birth family, who do you think of the most?" Maya answered immediately -- "My birth mom." She couldn't explain why, she just did. I suspect it's because she's more familiar with what moms are, given our daddy-free family.
Zoe answered more slowly: "I think of my birth dad the most because I don't have a dad. And I don't have Grandpa, either."
That's a change in attitude for Zoe. She hasn't really displayed all that much interest in her birth father. Her acute grief and longing has been for her birth mother. I always thought that as a daddy-less family my kids would be more interested in their birth fathers (as I said here), but that hasn't really played out until now.
I think Zoe's new interest in her birth dad is really connected to that last half of what she said -- "I don't have Grandpa, either." When she was really little -- maybe 2.5 years old -- she quite consciously made Grandpa her daddy substitute. She'd say, "I don't have a daddy, but I have a Grandpa; and he's like a daddy, and sometimes Mimi calls him Daddy." All figured out, huh? Now with no dad and no Grandpa, her birth dad seems to have grown in importance.
The Angrier Adoptee, part 1
1 week ago