Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Rainbows, Unicorns, Hearts & Smiley Faces

A great post by Dawn Davenport at Creating a Family, Adoption -- It's Not All Hearts and Smiley Faces, includes the perspective of a 15-year-old adopted as an infant from China.  Here's a snippet:
I’ve been thinking a bit more about my adoption, and I realized that I have been suppressing a lot over the year. I can finally say that I am mad at my birthparents and not feel guilty about it. It [feels] really great, and also because of that I think I can be more open with [my parents]. I’m just needing to realize that it was okay to be angry at my birth parents . I think the reason why it was so hard for me to realize that was because my whole life they had been characterized as good people who loved me very much but couldn’t keep me. Maybe they loved me, but they just didn’t love me enough. I thought that they loved me, so I had to love them. Now I get that I do love them, but I am extremely mad at them, and that’s okay because well, I know they care about me and they’d be okay with me being mad at them. Heck, I bet some days they get mad at themselves.
The whole thing is a must-read.  If you're helping your child deal with anger issues relating to adoption, here's a post identifying some adoption books that allow the adoptee to be angry.


Anonymous said...

I think that it a big mistake to tell out adopted children athat their birthparents loved them without having that information firsthand. Children need to be allowed to feel angry and not just seee their birthparents as wonderful people for abandoning them.

I think it is a big leap to assume that they were loved bu their birthparents. We are assuming that everyone who gives birth loves the child they give bith to. That is just not the case.

Why is it so difficult to accept that the children we love so much might not have been loved before they came into our lives? I think taht telling a child they were love mitigates feelings that adoptive parents have about themselves.

Anonymous said...

I have always wanted to give my daughter a better answer than "I don't know" when she'd start asking me those difficult questions like: "Why didn't my Chinese mother want me?"; "Did my Chinese mother love me?"; etc. Although I am searching for more information to give her, I realize I may never get more information. In all fairness to her first parents, I feel the best answer to give is "I don't know." I will also stress to her to try and never judge her first parent's actions or a situation without knowing all the facts. I doubt she'll find satisfaction in my "I don't knows" but it is the honest truth.

Anonymous said...

Followed the link and read the entire post ... wonderful read! It never occurred to me that my daughter might feel (down the road, as she's little now) that she shouldn't feel angry at her first parents if she wants to. Of course I am still going to tell her that I believe her first parents loved (and still love) her. If they didn't feel anything for her, she wouldn't have been placed where she could be found quickly and given medical help (had an obvious special need). Her first parents found themselves in an impossible situation ... we will never know if it was purely the One-child policy, her serious medical problem, or a combination of both that forced her parents to do what they did. But I will make certain that, even though *I* feel her first parents loved her, my daughter should feel free to feel whatever *she* wants regarding them and us. Easier said than done. But I will try.

a Tonggu Momma said...

Oh, how I needed to read both of those posts you linked to. Thank you.

Von said...

It's ok not to love people too, just because they gave birth to us or raised us doesn't mean we're obligated to love them.
Anger is a healthy emotion it's what you do with it that matters.