Talking to Someone Else's Kid About Adoption

Since the "Are they orphans?" episode, I've thought of other times I've used the "deflect and educate" strategy. I use it with adults a LOT, but also with kids other than my own (it doesn't seem to work as well with my kids -- and I'm not usually trying to deflect with them).

I think part of why I deflect with other kids is that I'm always a little leery about talking to someone else's kids about adoption. Sometimes other parents don't want their kids to hear my views about adoption -- or anything else, for that matter! (There's a little girl who won't be waiting for late parents to pick her up after ballet anymore, I'm sure, since her dad walked in on my addressing her statement that "Obama is BAD because he called a lady a pig." I was explaining the whole "lipstick on a pig" thing. I'm pretty sure they'll be timely from now on, for fear of what "the crazy Obama lady" will be telling their child! (I promise, I did not raise the issue with the child -- I was talking election stuff with another parent when she interjected her comment!). So I talk adoption or China or race with someone else's kid ONLY when that kid raises it. I never do it on my own, though sometimes I have to say something on the topic to Zoe or Maya within the hearing of other kids!

I've never had a parent say anything to me about what I've said to their children, though I have had parents call me about what Zoe has said! The time, for example, that Zoe took pictures of our trip to China to get Maya to Kindergarten -- we had talked about what she was going to say, marked ONLY the touristy pictures in the album, and then she told the whole class about Maya's foster parents, defining foster parents, and saying that they were not her birth parents, and defining birth parent for them! The teacher said the kids were mesmerized! I can't even imagine all the conversations at the dinner table that night, but I know of a few of them, because the parents called me. Sigh. And then the time on a play date when Zoe told her friend all about being left in a box and the one child policy and social preference for boys. I got a call from the mom that night -- she was OK with it, but her husband was pissed that his daughter got such a taste of the real world.

So where are the lines on talking to someone else's kids about adoption? Are there any?

Huge costs of raising sons force Chinese parents to pray for daughters

From the Taiwan Sun, dateline Shanghai. a story with a promising premise, that on closer reading has "ick" written all over it:

Turning their backs on the age old tradition, expectant Chinese parents have begun to hope for a daughter rather than a son, considering the huge costs involved in raising a boy.

China's one-child policy has produced a calamitous glut of men. The country has 32 million more young men than women, a situation that is already leading to an increase in prostitution and sex crimes.

However, in the country's enormous cities, the huge cost of raising a son has meant that for many families, daughters now make more economic sense. In Shanghai,
government researchers questioned almost 3,500 prospective parents. Of those,
more than 12 per cent said they were hoping for a boy, while more than 15 per
cent wanted a girl, the Telegraph reports.

In most marriages, it is the son's family, which is required to buy a house for the couple - a ruinous expense in many cities. "I want my child to be a girl. Although I prefer boys, there are endless things to worry about, such as finding him a good school, helping him get a good job, and buying a house and a car for him. It's just too much trouble," said Yang Min, 32, an expectant mother.

Li Qian, a 27-year-old secretary in a private bank, said the economic crisis had left parents with sons having to provide for two families, their own and their children's. "Many would-be parents want to have daughters to reduce their financial burden. Girls can marry rich husbands," she said.

Disruption

Osolomama has a great post about adoption disruption, now given the nicey-nice name of "re-homing." Here's a snippet, but be sure to go to her blog to read the whole thing:

There is a lot of talk, when the subject comes up, about not judging. I get that. People deserve help for their kids and themselves. No, I can’t imagine walking in some of their shoes. But the judging is not all about them or individual caseworkers doing their best; it’s a reaction to the idea that you can take this on, walk away when it gets tough, and then bond with other people publicly over your “badly bungled adoptions” boo-hoo because the system is usually there for you and might even hand you another child. Meanwhile, it sure feels like the kids are taking a back seat to everyone else’s needs.

It’s interesting. Nobody even gets glory points for sticking by their handicapped kids or children with autism, including the hard-to-raise kids, the ones they call the wrecking ball disguised as a boy. Most definitely, nobody gets a lollipop for divorcing them. The fact that it’s allowed to happen in adoption says something the industry and about attitudes to adopted kids that we may be reluctant to acknowledge.

Too much culture?

OK, this video is funny! Do you think it's deliberate that the white family doing Korean is mixing it up with Japanese and Chinese and who knows what-all fungible-Asian stereotypes? Or do you think the writers don't have a clue either?!

And it's also a good pair with this article, What's My Heritage? International Adoptions and the Culture Debate, from Brain,Child:

For an English speaker, “win” approximates Nguyen, one of the most common yet
elusive of Vietnamese names. Maybe Nick thinks we’ve cracked a secret code. He
told me recently that Nguyen Thanh Hiep is his true name.

At these moments, I’m sure my husband Rob and I are doing something right. Like many international-adoptive parents, we work hard to incorporate our son’s birth culture into our lives. For years, we’ve followed the formula for what’s sometimes called “culture keeping”: celebrating the main holidays from Nick’s birth culture; buying ethnic artwork, clothing, or food; spending time with other international adoptive families, perhaps going to a “culture camp” for a few days each summer.

Some would say I take it to extremes. I enrolled in a Vietnamese language class the year before Nick’s adoption in 2002. Last fall, I signed up for another course that meets five days a week. At the same time, I found a Vietnamese tutor for Nick.

In December, Rob and I took Nick on a trip to Vietnam, his first visit back to his birth country. But just weeks before we left, we found ourselves with a child melting down, who was terrified we’d leave him there, afraid we’d be disappointed if he didn’t like it. “I don’t want to go to Vietnam!” he howled. “I don’t want to go to Vietnam! I…don’t…want…to…go…to Vi-et-nam!”

It was then that I thought maybe I’d gone too far. Was I doing this more for myself than for Nick?

I know the caveats. He was too young; it’s normal for a first grader to be contrary. All true, and he often infuriated me in Vietnam. I was proud when he told people his name in Vietnamese, but I never felt at ease. We were on public display more than in any American hospital hallway. I worried for my boy when saleswomen fussed over the long rattail in his hair, fingering it, saying he was “lucky.” I kept wanting to hug his tense little face against my chest.

Since our trip, I’ve talked to people inside the adoption community and out: other parents, adoptees, social scientists, Vietnamese Americans. Going overboard can be worse than doing nothing at all, so I wonder and fret: How much should I push cultural activities onto my son? How much of his birth culture is it healthy for him to keep as he grows—and how much is confusing or harmful, a kitschy pastiche that will leave him permanently unmoored?

Can you say "balance," anyone?!

Transnational Adoption & the "Financialization of Everything"

Interesting article by Jane Jeong Trenka, to be considered together with the report of the birth mother presentation I attended last month:

International adoption is often seen as a mutually beneficial relationship between children in need of a home and financially stable adults wanting to raise a child. But it is also big-money business. In line with neoliberalism, or the hollowing out of government services, many adopted children are born to single mothers who are offered little to no resources to care for their children. International adoption agencies have stepped into this gap by offering homes, and making a profit in the process. The transformation of adoption into a global business creates a further incentive not to assist mothers, who may turn to adoption out of desperation, not desire. Adoptee activists are working to shed light on this issue. Focusing particularly on South Korea, author and co-founder of Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea (TRACK) Jane Jeong Trenka argues the process should be re-engineered to put the money and fateful decisions back where they belong: with the mothers and their children. TRACK is now working with the Korean government to get the the voices of birth parents and Korean adoptees heard in South Korean adoption law revisions.

"Are they orphans?"

This evening at the hotel pool, Zoe and Maya were playing with a new friend, a little girl named Savannah, age 7. I was coordinating the jumping-into-the-pool game, and at one time had six kids cannon-balling into the pool at the same time!

Eventually Savannah asked, "Are you their mother," asking about Zoe and Maya -- maybe she thought I was the activity director! I said yes, and prepared myself for the usual question, and it came: "Why is their skin brown and yours isn't?" I answered, "We don't look alike because I adopted them. Zoe and Maya are originally from China." Short and sweet.

"Ohhh," says Savannah, "are they orphans?" I replied, "No, an orphan is someone who doesn't have a parent. I'm their mom, so they're not orphans." I thought myself pretty clever, focusing on the usage of present tense to squirm out of that one. But Savannah was too clever to be fooled by that one!

"But they WERE orphans, right?"

This is actually kind of tricky. They certainly were orphans as defined by the U.S. Government for purposes of visa issuance as adoptees; they were orphans based on the "disappearance of, abandonment or desertion by" parents. That bears no relation, though, to common usage or dictionary definitions of "orphan," someone whose parents are dead. My kids' birth parents may be dead, we have no way of knowing, but it really isn't likely that they are. And "orphan" has so much baggage (Orphan Annie, anyone? or how about that awful Orphan movie in theaters now?) that I didn't want to answer yes. So how to answer?

I decided to deflect and educate. I said, "It sounds like you know what adoption is," continuing in that confiding tone that suggests we both know! "It's when first parents can't take care of their child the way parents want to, so they make a plan for other parents to be found to adopt the child, and then the adoptive parents and the child are a family forever." Savannah nodded . . . and went off to jump in the pool again!

I don't know if I did any good, but I really wanted to remove the word "orphan" from her vocabulary. Maya and Zoe weren't very close when we were discussing it, but I wasn't sure how much they could hear. Still, I fell back on my usual tactic -- answering the way I'd want my kids to hear it. I just told Savannah the same thing I tell Zoe and Maya, or at least the short and sweet version!

How would you have handled it? Comments, please!

Lion Country Safari Slideshow

Make a Smilebox slideshow

OK, now I'm one of those obnoxious people who foists slideshows of vacation pictures on unsuspecting friends! You'll be glad to know our vacation ends tomorrow, and AdoptionTalk will return to it's regularly scheduled program.

C.A.S.E. Books on Sale

Here's a good sale for you: two books from C.A.S.E. -- Center for Adoption Support and Education.

I have both books, and recommend them highly.

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The email said to "pass it on" to anyone else who would like this offer, so I am!

Birth Mother Presentation: Adult Adoptee's Comments

Now that my work presentation is over, I can now share as I promised the comments of the adult adoptee and the adoptive parent on the birth mother panel I attended last month. Since the focus was on the birth mothers, the other participants didn't really have that much to say. But I'll share what they did tell us. I'll start with the adult adoptee, and post later about what the adoptive mom had to say.

The adult adoptee was originally from Korea and grew up in Texas. He is now in his 20s and in graduate school. He visited Korea with his adoptive parents when he was 10, as part of a homeland tour. He met his half-sister then, and learned that his birth mother had died, as had a half-brother. He confessed he hasn't done a very good job of keeping in touch with his half-sister. He said that most of his questions had been answered when he was 10, and it was enough for him to know that he could contact her if he wanted or needed more.

He was asked what adoption meant to him, and his answer was, "Opportunity." He also said that knowing his birth mother or birth family "wasn't that big a deal to me." He said he viewed himself as the son of his adoptive parents, and that was that. But when the birth mothers spoke, he was listening VERY intently. I wonder if he is as indifferent as he claimed. . . .

Summer Re-Run: Zoe Talks Adoption

Zoe Talks Adoption -- Sept. 18, 2008

Adoption is hard to understand because you don't know who your birth parents are and you don't know why they let you go and where they live and their phone number and address. Ex: You might be wondering about adoption and what adoption is, well adoption is when you get born and your first parents give you away. End of example.

I think about my birth parents like every day. You too might be wondering about your first parents, too, just like me. If you do, here is some advice, some things that help me:

1. Talk about your feelings, like

• Talking to my mom about adoption so I can understand more about it.
• Thinking about my first parents in my dreams at night and then I can explain to my mom on the way to school the next morning so she knows.
  
• Explaining to my mom about how sad I am so she can understand how I feel.
  
• My mom telling me it's okay to be mad and sad about being adopted. I don't have to be happy about it all the time.

2. Go to live in China like a real Chinese girl, going to school and walking everywhere. You can even go visit your orphanage and see how they loved you and took care of you.

3. Even if you don't go live in China, you can learn about China so you can understand more about your China family and why they couldn't keep you.

4. Reading stories about adoption helps, and reading my own lifebook helps too. I liked making my own book about my first parents and my adoption, and writing about my feelings in it. You can use your imagination to draw pictures of your first parents.

5. I like being with kids like me, adopted kids and Chinese kids, because they might have the same feelings I have. But they might not, too.

[OMG -- I promise, every word is Zoe's! She wrote this out yesterday while waiting for her ballet class to start, and I had no idea she'd written it until she showed it to me today and asked if I could post it on the blog. Yes, she did it as a numbered list, I just reorganized it a bit and combined a few things for ease of reading. I'm in awe -- Zoe, Born Blogger!]

Cruising

Today's highlight was cruising the Intercoastal on a 105-foot yacht. It was a beautiful boat, though the Intercoastal waterways are pretty tame. The girls loved the fact that we got to go under two -- count em', two! -- draw bridges.

Summer Re-Run: Adoption is Hard to Understand

Adoption is Hard to Understand, August 28, 2008

A couple of weeks ago, we were eating breakfast at Whataburger. Maya was cadging bites of my biscuit smothered in sausage gravy (how very Southern of us!), and Zoe was rummaging in my purse for a pen and something to write on (she finds the cardboard-thingy they put in a package of tights, don't ask what it was doing in my purse!) A typical weekend morning for our clan.

Zoe is scribbling away, and I'm trying to get my fork back from Maya, and then Zoe passes me a note: "Adoption is hard to understand." Too many people around to talk about it, so I write back: "Yes, but it helps when you talk about your feelings." Zoe jots a short answer: "True Mama." I like that: is it "True, Mama" or is it "True Mama"?!

When we were at second-grade orientation last week, the school counselor was introduced. Zoe asked me later what a counselor was, and I was explaining that it was someone you could talk to about your feelings. "Ohhhh, like talking about my birthparents." Right!

I also reminded Zoe that her Mimi was a counselor (she worked with terminal cancer patients, not school children). Zoe's response: "So that's what makes her a great grandmother!"

Summer Re-Runs: The adoption story

We're nearing the blog's one-year anniversary, and I'm feeling a little nostalgic. I thought I'd re-run some early posts while we're on vacation! If you come here looking for more than pretty pictures, I hope this will satisfy your appetite! And if you're new to the blog, it'll give you an idea of where we started.

The adoption story, August 15, 2008

The adoption story we tell always starts like this: "You grew like a flower in your birthmother's tummy until it was time to be born. Your birthparents couldn't take care of you, so . . . . " (I can't take credit for the "you grew like a flower" line -- it comes from one of our favorite books,
Over the Moon, by Karen Katz. I love to use stories to discuss "issues" with my kids!).

Well, for the first time, in June, Zoe asked WHY -- "WHY couldn't my birth parents take care of me?"

Like most of these things, the question came out of the blue -- we had just come home from somewhere, and Zoe and Maya had immediately fallen to the floor of the family room to play "Warriors," a game involving a cadre of knights and Polly Pockets standing in for the princesses. I followed into the family room a bit more slowly, and Zoe looked up at me and asked the WHY question.

I admit, I was surprised. We talk about her birthparents fairly often, she is sad that we don't know who they are, but she's accepted the "couldn't take care of you" line for years without question. But I guess it was about time. From what I've read, age 7 is a pretty common age for that big question.

I answered, "Well, sweetie, since we can't ask your birthparents, we really can't know exactly why they weren't able to take care of you the way a parent would want to. We can only make some guesses based on what we know about China. Do you want to look at your lifebook, and talk about what some of the reasons might be?"

(I'm a HUGE proponent of lifebooks -- more about them later, but look at Beth O'Malley's site for the BEST info about lifebooks.)

Zoe said yes, so we pulled out her lifebook and talked about China's one child policy and the social preference for boys. Zoe didn't have much reaction, but I knew we were no where near finished talking about this!

Knot Heads

This is the real reason we're staying at this kitchy resort, instead of the Ritz-Carlton! Getting hair braids and beads was the high point of our Palm Beach trip last year, and the girls wouldn't dream of NOT having Ally of KnotHeads do their hair again this year!

URL Confused!

I'm looking at the blog this evening, and go down to hit SiteMeter to check stats. I'm expecting that visits will be dropping off with the vay-cay slowdown. The summary shows 270 visits today, with 3 hours to go in the day! WTF?! The highest ever number of visits in one day was 183.

So I hit referrals, to see how all these folks are finding the blog. Every other one seems to be a Google search for "adopt talk" or "china adopt talk." China Adopt Talk is Rumor Queen's blog, and she is very popular for keeping track of all the rumors about what's going on in China adoption. Her url is "chinaadopttalk.com." I did not know that when I started AdoptionTalk, and folks looking for her do sometimes find me, but it is pretty rare. Because it used to be if you did a search for "china adopt talk," Rumor Queen's blog would come up first, and mine second. Now, for whatever reason, her blog doesn't even come up on the first page of search results. I don't know the mysteries of how Google ranks things, but something has definitely changed.

So if you've found me by accident, welcome! I hope you'll stick around. You're obviously interested in adoption, and that's pretty much all we talk about here! So look to the right and click to be a follower, and blog updates will be automatically posted on your blogger profile page. Or bookmark us and visit as you have time.

But if you're lost and need to find Rumor Queen right now, click here! You can always come back later and look around (make it easy on yourself and do that follower/favorites thing!).

Pictures

Where we're staying

Zoe cartwheels into the pool

Zoe digs it

Maya contemplates the ocean

Rock-n-roll girls

View of hot tub from our balcony

The Palm Beach Princess from our balcony

View from our balcony

Documentary: Zhang Empresses

Thanks, WB, for telling us about this documentary in the comments to the vacation post! I'm putting the info here so you don't have to cut and paste!

Here's the description of the documentary, Zhang Empresses:

Growing up surrounded by blond, blue-eyed children in Sweden, Chinese adoptees Alice, Mimmi, Nanna and Linnéa always felt different. The girls were adopted on the same day from the same orphanage but – having moved abroad as babies – they don’t speak Mandarin and have no concept of their native country. Now ten years old, they are returning to China for the first time. What will they make of their homeland? A moving look at identity.

It's on the Documentary Channel's schedule for Saturday, August 1 at 10 p.m., and Sunday, August 2 at 1:00 a.m. You can also click here and watch it for 1 British Pound (about $1.65). If you watch it, comment here to let us know what you think!

P.S. If you've seen this documentary AND Found in China, I'd be interested in knowing how they compare. I'm wondering which might be better, how they might be different.

We're on vacation!

Greetings from Florida! We arrived in Palm Beach yesterday and hit the pool right away. We love coming here -- reminds us of Xiamen! We expected to hit the beach first thing this morning, but it's raining.

Vacation means a blogging slow-down -- unless it rains the whole time! I'll still try to post, but no promises!

Egg trafficking

OK, this one has to be read to be believed:

Dr. Harry Miron, the Israeli owner of the Sabyc Fertility Clinic in Bucharest, claimed Monday that his actions were never motivated by greed, but rather based on "personal drama," namely his wife's experience with IVF. Harry Miron, along with his son and 30 of their employees were arrested by Romanian authorities last week on suspicion of human egg and stem cell trafficking. According to reports in the Romanian media, Sabyc Clinic is said to have grossed nearly €20 million in its years of operation.

Miron's attorney told the court that his client's wife was unable to conceive a child naturally, and that their private experience prompted him to specialize in in-vitro fertilization (IVF) and start the clinic. The couple eventually adopted their son Yair, who was also arrested.

So how does this line of defense work exactly? We weren't able to conceive and so we had to adopt, and we started a fertility clinic so other families wouldn't have to settle for adoption like we did? And son, why don't you go into the business with us?!

Report: Korean Birth Mother Presentation

Sorry it’s taken me so long to report on the birth mother presentation. I planned to blog about it as soon as I got the girls to bed last night, but I was exhausted, and went to bed at 8:30!

I am SO glad I went to this presentation. It was incredibly powerful and emotional. (That emotion was the cause of the exhaustion, in fact!). The two birth mothers spoke very honestly about their experiences, and as the friend who accompanied me said, the wounds were so obvious on them.

One birth mother was 25, and is now in college studying social work and working with the Eastern Social Welfare Society (ESWS) in Seoul, S. Korea, the same organization through which she placed her child. She looked like a typical college student, except that she looked 16! She had long hair and was wearing a pink flowing skirt, a sparkly tee, multiple necklaces and earrings, cool glasses, and a completely closed expression. She said she had broken up with her boyfriend before she knew she was pregnant. When she contacted him to tell him, he said he didn’t want a baby and she should get rid of it. She went to get an abortion, but couldn’t go through with it when she heard the baby’s heartbeat. She intended to keep the baby, but with morning sickness she couldn’t work, and asked a social worker friend for help. The friend told her about Eastern, and she went to their unwed mothers home. She saw women there who had kept their babies, which gave her hope that she could do the same. She wrote her mother to tell her of the pregnancy and that she wanted to keep the baby. Her mom was completely opposed to her keeping the baby. After much thought and counseling and input from her mother, she made the hard decision to place her baby. She wanted the baby to have two parents, since she was raised by her mom alone. She wanted international adoption, because it would be “semi-open,” meaning that she would get information about the baby once a year. After deciding to relinquish her child for adoption, she was able to visit the baby once a month until the child left Korea.

She said the hardest part of adoption was once she had made the decision. She couldn’t handle seeing babies the same age as hers. She would be in despair, thinking, “Why me? Why can’t I have my baby when these other people have their babies? Why did I only get to hold my baby for a few hours?” She said at times she thought of suicide, and felt she had nothing to live for. She blamed her mother, she blamed herself. She tried suicide once. And another time when she thought she couldn’t live another minute, she heard from the agency that they had received an update about the baby from the adoptive parents. That was and is her greatest joy, getting updates about the baby. She decided that she wanted to improve herself, and live a good life, for her baby, whom she described as “my joy, hope, and life.” She said she knows the most joyous day will be when she can see her baby again.

One reason the updates about the baby were so important to her is that she drank at the beginning of her pregnancy and is so sorry about that, and worries about the effects on the baby’s health.

The older birth mother was 33, and had placed her baby for adoption 2 years ago. She was a little plump, and simply dressed in a blouse and khaki capris. She was single and pregnant, and she told us about going into labor at home, and not being able to make it to the hospital. She was alone, and had to cut the umbilical cord herself. The baby was fine at first, but became sick. She took him to the hospital, where he had to stay for a week. She didn’t know what to do, planned to raise her child, but contacted Eastern for help. She stayed at the home for unwed mothers with her baby. Every day she changed her mind about what to do. First she wanted to raise her baby, then she’d think what was best for the baby would be to place him for adoption, and then she’d change her mind again. She worried that she wouldn’t be able to give her baby opportunities, was worried about the social stigma of unwed birth that would attach to the baby. She said that when the baby was inside her, it was possible to think of them together as just one person, but when he was born and became another person, she had to think more about what would be in his best interest. Six weeks after the baby was born, she decided to place him for adoption. At first she wanted domestic adoption in Korea, but there was no possibility of an open adoption in Korea. With international adoption, she would be able to hear about the baby through the agency, and could perhaps see the baby again one day.

The worst day was when she took the baby to the agency for placement. She bathed and dressed him, and he was very, very fussy. He was usually a happy baby, so she thought he knew what was about to happen. At the agency, she felt cut in half, holding the baby with one hand and signing him away with the other. Going home alone, she could still hear his cries and smell baby smells. She would find her body still rocking him when he wasn’t in her arms any more. Once the baby was gone, she had so much free time and nothing to do but think of him and eat and eat and eat. She began drinking as well to deal with her grief. She changed from an optimistic person to someone mired in grief. She drank for 1.5 years, and is better now. She wants to do well for her baby. She has a new job, and they know about her baby, and they have been very supportive, even letting her take time to come to America to make this presentation.

She also was able to visit her baby before he left Korea. It was wonderful to see him each month, but hard to leave each time and hard to wait for the next visit. She wanted to make the visits, though, because she never wanted him to think she had abandoned him. And on his first birthday, the agency had a birthday party for him and she attended. She was so happy to see him there – he walked! And she loved to see that he liked to eat, just like her. She was very happy to see something of herself in her baby.

After the birth mothers and others talked (more about that in another post), there was a Q & A period. We were asked to write our questions on an index card and pass them up, and the moderator asked the questions.

The first question was, “Why did you come to talk to us and are you glad you did?”

They both answered that they wanted to puncture stereotypes adoptive parents might have about birth mothers. They wanted to stand up for the unwed mothers of Korea. And one said she wanted to know what life in America was like so she could see what life for her baby was like.

The question I asked was, true to AdoptionTalk, “What do you want adoptive parents to tell their kids about birth mothers?” I was almost sorry I asked, because it brought the younger birth mother to tears. But she said that before she was a birth mother, she had a very negative impression of adoption and birth mothers. She had watched TV shows where Korean adoptees said that their birth mothers abandoned them, and she thought that was how babies were adopted – they were all abandoned. She spoke forcefully and said, “I did not abandon my child.” She said she loved her baby and made the best decision she could for her child. She wanted adoptive parents to tell the children that their birth mothers loved them and did not abandon them. The older birth mother said the same, and added, “Sometimes love isn’t enough. I wanted my baby to have a better life. Tell them we love the babies, but we made a decision for their life.”

I also asked about how many women who are served by Eastern decide to parent rather than relinquish their children, and what services are offered to them. The social worker from Eastern said that currently 30% of the women at the unwed mother’s home decide to parent their children. She said that in the past it used to be very rare, but the trend is for more women to parent. She says that Eastern helps with counseling, short-term help with diapers and clothing, and help finding long-term housing. She also said the Korean government offers some support for single parents, but that it is not adequate.

There were an adoptive parent and an adult adoptee on the panel as well, I’ll post more about what they had to say later.

The birth mothers cried, the social workers cried, the adoptive mother on the panel cried, the audience cried, I cried. And it was so worth going!