The process took two years and there were many times during that I felt discouraged. But I always had faith that the right baby would find us (my daughters and me). I've always felt that children choose their parents, and Eloise found me a different way.So Eloise chose Richards as her parent? So, what does that mean about her birth mother, she was just a way-station to her real choice? Or do children also un-choose their parents, so that Eloise un-chose her birth mother before choosing Richards? Is it like this adoptive parent describes, birth mothers as "pass-through bodies?"
Years ago, when I first began the process of adopting, I spoke with some of my philosophy professors about the theme of adoption and destiny. One said that international adoption may be a new kind of conception, in which “a being may be going through whatever body they can” to arrive in the family and culture where they belong. In other words, destiny will bring them to a new kind of family not based on biology.
Not so much different from Rosie O'Donnell's infamous explanation of adoption to her son, "you grew in the wrong tummy, but God fixed that." This cutesy children-choose-their-parents notion just doesn't work for adoption, we can see it as so offensively dismissive of birth parents and their losses, adopted persons and their losses.
You know my opinion of the whole "meant to be" adopted/adopted by me thing (if you've forgotten, read here and here and here); here's the reaction of a non-adoptive parent to the Denise Richards quote:
The notion that children choose their parents is interesting to me. I’m not much of a romanticist on any subject, for instance my husband and I consider it a happy coincidence we found each other and decided to make a life together — not fate.Well, isn't that a nice, rational response!
It had never occurred to me that my babies were ‘meant’ to be mine. Love them as I may, I chalk up their existence to egg A and sperm B meeting up thanks to a bottle (or two) of wine. I just can’t believe we were fated to be a family.
The "kids choose" language also serves to mask a reality in adoption -- kids are powerless and have no choice about whether to be adopted or by whom. I know, children generally have no choice about anything -- all the adults around them make the decisions for them. But we don't usually pretend otherwise. With this idea, that children choose their parents, is applied to adoption, we are indulging in fantasy land.