How Abandonment Can Affect Future Relationships

Must-read post at Jane's Blog. Here's a snippet:

I have also got some things figured out about my relationships. I feel really LUCKY to have that figured out at age 36. Basically, right now I realize that anyone that I am attracted to is bad for me. The perfect man for me could knock me flat on the sidewalk by falling onto me from heaven and I wouldn’t even notice him. That is because on a deep level I believe that I am

WORTH NOTHING and DESERVE TO BE TREATED BADLY and

ABANDONED

and I find men who will be happy to do that for me. If 99% of people want to make me happy, believe you me, I will find the 1% who will make me miserable. So I’m not saying that i will never date again, but I realize my limitations and that right now, whatever I do, I am going to pick the wrong partner. So until I can heal the part of myself that believes I am

WORTH NOTHING and DESERVE TO BE TREATED BADLY and

ABANDONED

I have no business having a relationship.

I really appreciate Jane's honesty.

Talking Adoption

I'm always looking for adoption conversations, especially reports of the actual words used. That's why I love it when y'all share your conversations in the comments! Here's a snippet from an article I ran across:

He says his daughters are “as American as anybody else” but says he talks to them openly about their Chinese heritage and their birth parents.

Cara [age 6] has already started to ask some tough questions.

“Once in a while you get asked ‘Why would my birth mommy not want me?’ And you try to explain that they made the choice that they couldn’t raise you but they wanted the best for you. So what they actually did was in your best interest,” Childs says.

Click here to read more about this family's adoptions.

Happy Halloween!

Zoe and Maya say "Happy Halloween!" I couldn't resist -- here are the girls showing off their pumpkin creations! A handful of Sharpies and these Mr. Potato-Head-like plastic pieces, and the girls had a ball making funny faces on their pumpkins. This was sooooo much easier than carving, and since they could do it themselves, the girls loved it. Each pumpkin got two faces, so I expect the girls to be out spinning the pumpkins around to show off each side for the next few weeks!

Poll Results: Fear and Dread

I guess it shouldn't come as any surprise that the majority (13 out of 22 --almost 60%) of poll respondents dread having to answer the "why did my birth parents abandon me" question from our kids. This is the thing that makes adoptive parenting different from *just* parenting, isn't it?

So why do we dread the discussion so much? It reminds us of our children's pain? We're afraid we'll say the wrong thing? It's painful for us to deal with the fact that someone else gave birth to our children? We feel a little twinge of jealousy that we have to share our children with someone else? We worry that we haven't been good enough parents if our children are thinking about their birth parents? All of the above? None of the above?

I think it would be perfectly natural to have any or all of the fears or feelings I listed. Even when we know intellectually that our children don't have to choose between us and birth family, that our children's natural curiousity about their birth families doesn't say ANYTHING about us as parents, it can feel a little threatening. And we know that talking about birth parents can bring pain for our children, especially the first time you get the HARDEST birth parent question -- why did they leave me?

I don't think we can avoid our children's pain -- they WILL have to deal with it, and the best thing we can do to help them deal with the pain of loss is by giving them permission to feel that loss and to talk to us about it. So we, as parents, need to get comfortable talking about birth parents. That's why I'm a big proponent of practicing birth parent talk from the moment you get your child. Don't start "your adoption story" with your child's first meeting you -- start it with birth! If your child is an infant, by the time she/he really understands what you're saying, you'll have had a chance to decide what you're going to call the first family, China family, tummy mommy, birth mother, natural mother, etc., you'll have practiced and decided on how you're going to get the child from birth to orphanage to you in a truthful and age-appropriate way, and you'll have nary a stumble!

And I think it's important that you make birth family comments pretty frequently -- both so that you get the practice, and so your child knows it's ok to talk about them. I like some of the suggestions in Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew:

When you understand the fears and ambivalence your child may have when it comes to discussing his birth family, you will be much more effective in drawing out his hidden thoughts at strategic times. I believe that conversations about the birth family should be initiated at times of pleasure and celebration and at times of stress or vulnerability.

Positive times for initiating might include the following:

The child's birthday. "I wonder if your birth mom/dad are thinking about you."
Mother's Day/Father's Day. "I wonder what your birth mom/dad are doing today."
Child's accomplishments."Your birth parents would be proud of you just like we are." Physical features. "I wonder if your birth mom has curly hair like you."
Spontaneously. Whenever your heart wells with gratitude to the birth family. "I'm so glad they gave you to us!"

Conversations about the birth family might also be initiated during vulnerable times like these:

Physical exam. "It must be hard not knowing your full birth history."
Beginning college."I'll bet your adoption issues make saying good-bye extra difficult." After an acting-out episode."Have you been thinking about your birth family lately?" Family-tree assignments in school. (The adoptee's family tree is very complex and will n ot conform to the usual configuration.) You might say to the child, "With your permission and approval, I will talk to your teacher and ask if you (or we) can make a special family tree that will include both sides of your family."
After the child has been teased by a peer because he's adopted. "I know it's hard to be singled out because of your adoption, but remember we love you and so does your birth family."

The next highest on the dread list is the sex talk. Ahh, how well I remember having "the talk" with Zoe! We were in China, so I didn't have my usual option of finding a book on the topic to use as a springboard for "issues" discussions. But Wendy has recommended It's Not the Stork. Any other suggestions, dear readers?

Yes, I always like to have books on hand for jump-starting important discussions -- I'm such a nerd! So I recently bought Ready, Set, Grow: A What's Happening To My Body Book For Younger Girls. The authors point out that girls are hitting puberty earlier these days, so this book is geared for a slightly younger set than their original Ready, Set, Grow book written twenty years ago -- how's that for a scary thought when your daughter is about to turn 8. We haven't had time to do more than skim the book, but so far it looks good.

It's not like we haven't talked about any of this before -- being an all-girl household with kids who've never accepted the concept of "privacy," we've had LOTS of discussions about breasts and "fur!" When Zoe was little, we showered together, with me holding her, because she'd scream bloody murder if I tried to shower alone. I got really good at doing things one-handed during this period of Zoe's life! I remember putting her down one morning in the shower, and she stood there -- right at "fur" level. And there she goes, poke. . . poke, poke. . . . poke, poke, poke. . . .! And she has long been obsessed with breasts. I remember when we were trying to potty train, and I did the usual, "Don't you want to wear big-girl panties like mama?" And her face lights up, and she says in a yearning voice, 'And a BRA?!!!!" It seems she was only interested in potty-training if she was guaranteed a matching set of lingerie! And she still says she wants "breasts like mama's." I haven't had the heart to break it to her that given our VERY different body types, she's highly unlikely to have breasts "like mama's!" (though she's likely to be very happy about it in the long run -- gavity is NOT kind to us zaftig types!).

And for those dreading the "economy is going to hell in a handbasket" talk, here's an article about popular kid's lit for financial hard times!

Roll Call

Thanks to all who responded to my roll call request in the “I Love SiteMeter” post! It was great hearing from you all!I admit it – this is why I blog instead of sitting in my bedroom writing in a journal. I like to know others are reading, I LOVE it when there’s interesting feedback and give-and-take in the comments!

So thanks to the three Wendys, especially Wendy in Ohio who I can always count on to comment. And I’m glad to hear from you Ann BF, who followed us in the “Fulbright Apartment” in Xiada – my girls still ask about your family and can’ quite accept that y’all are no longer in “our” apartment. Thanks to Joanne, who gave me the opportunity to meet her daughter even before she did – it still gives me goosebumps to think about it!

And it’s great to see readers I recognize from our Xiamen Adventure blog – glad you’ve decided to come along on this journey, too, Carol, and Dee and Sheri (and Wendy in Ohio and Ann BF, too!). And thanks for chiming in, Elizabeth in Alabama and Elizabeth in Kansas, Tracy, and Pletcher Family!

Also, thanks to Mimi and Syd’s Mom, thanks for contributing to the conversation on the blog by posting comments, even when we can talk in person!

For those who hadn't posted before, see how easy it is? Now you can post more comments!

It really is easy to post a comment -- you can do it without creating an account. Just click on the word comment at the bottom of a post, and follow the directions.

Guatemala recruiting adoptive parents internally

Good news -- another country working on increasing domestic adoption and foster care:

At church on Sundays, Juliana Tocay fibs and introduces 3-year-old Katerin as her daughter. The truth is too complicated to explain.Tocay is Katerin's foster mother, making her family part of a much-watched test of whether this Central American nation can take care of its own needy children.After essentially closing off the pipeline that sent nearly 5,000 children for adoptions in the U.S. last year, Guatemala has launched an ambitious campaign to recruit foster parents and even adoptive parents at home. Only a few dozen families are participating and, as Tocay's experience illustrates, it will be a tall order to change the culture of a country that typically views only biological children as true members of the family.

Sounds like it will be a hard road, but I think it's great that Guatemala is taking first steps. Click here to read more.

New Book: Adoption Conversations

At least, the book is newly in English -- the Dutch version has been out for a while. I heard about it on an adoption list I'm on, and wanted to pass on the information. I haven't read it, and would be interested in hearing from those who have. Adoption Conversations, by Renée Wolfs, is described as an "in-depth practical guide, written by an adoptive parent for adoptive parents."

The website goes on to say:

Adoption Conversations considers the following:
How and when to tell your child their adoption story;
Common fears children have about adoption;
Advice on sharing particularly difficult information with your child;
Useful conversation techniques, including naming and identifying feelings;
How to make a memory book or life story book;
How to help your child deal with adoption-related grief, sadness and anger;
How to respond to questions from your child, family and friends, and others in your community.

Sounds very good! Ordering info can be found here.

Jade's Story

Littlewing04 mentioned Jade in the comments to a previous post, and I've had people asking me about who Jade is, so I thought I'd post about it to bring folks up to speed.

Back in 2007, a story hit the media about a Dutch diplomat and his wife relinquishing parental rights to their daughter adopted from Korea. Here's a Time Magazine article, under the headline, "Can an Adopted Child Be Returned?" about the case:

Every child is a gift, as the saying goes. But in a case that has stoked outrage on two continents, a Dutch diplomat posted in Hong Kong has been accused of returning his eight-year-old adopted daughter like an unwanted Christmas necktie. The story, which first appeared in the South China Morning Post on Dec. 9, began seven years ago, when Dutch vice consul Raymond Poeteray and his wife, Meta, adopted then-four-months-old Jade in South Korea. The couple, who also have two biological children, brought Jade with them to Indonesia and then to Hong Kong in 2004, although Poeteray never applied for Dutch nationality for the child — a curious oversight, given that he worked in a consulate. Then, last year, the Poeterays put Jade in the care of Hong Kong's Social Welfare Department, saying they could no
longer care for her because of the girl's emotional remoteness.

According to a spokesman from the South Korean consulate in Hong Kong, the family also said that Jade did not adapt to Dutch culture or food. "They said she had not adjusted to a new home, that there were some problems," he says. But some specialists are skeptical of that explanation as well. "My gut feeling is it's just an excuse," says Law Chi-kwong, an associate professor of social work at the University of Hong Kong. "That only happens when the adoption took place when the child is
already six or seven years old. It would not happen to a child they raised for several years, raised in the family."

A nanny who took care of her said Jade wasn't treated like a "real daughter." The family adopted at a time they thought they were infertile, and then after the adoption they had two biological children.

We all know that sometimes, tragically, adoptions are disrupted. And it is sometimes hard to know what all is going on in such a case. But I have to say this one really smells bad. Where's the "forever" in Forever Family?!?

Recently there was happy news:

A Korean girl called Jade who was adopted by a high-ranking Dutch diplomat in Korea in 2000 and then abandoned six years later in Hong Kong has found a new family. The nine-year-old has been adopted by an expatriate family in Hong Kong and currently lives a normal life, an official at the Hong Kong Social Welfare Department said Saturday. For reasons of privacy, further details about the adoptive parents cannot be disclosed, the official added.

* * *

Since the Poeterays hadn’t applied for Dutch citizenship for Jade and she had no formal residence status in Hong Kong, the child was virtually stateless until the recent adoption.

Both The Original Heping (littlewing's blog) and Ethnically Incorrect Daughter have posted about Jade.

I've been following the blog of a family trying to adopt a child whose adoptive parents are disrupting the adoption: 6Across . It's been a real rollercoaster, and I could do with less God talk (sorry, that's just me!), but I'm anxious to see how the situation works out for them. And I can't help but cry for poor Sweetpea who's the victim in all of this.

Zoe's Favorite Holiday

Driving home from ballet we go through an older neighborhood with huge houses and beautifully manicured lawns. Many houses have fall and/or Halloween decorations up. We were oohing and ahhing over the decorations, with smart-aleck Zoe correcting me when I said, "Look at the Halloween decorations at that house," to point out that they really only had "FALL decorations."

Then Zoe says, "Guess what my favorite holiday is."

Going for the seasonal, I hazarded, "Halloween?" Nope.

Going for the loot, I said, "Christmas?" Nope.

Going for the culture, I said, "Chinese New Year?" Nope.

"Then what?" I asked.

"Gotcha Day!" Zoe exclaimed.

I had to know, "Really? Why is that?"

Zoe had an instant response, "Because it makes me happy!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I asked Zoe later if she wanted to go back to calling our first-meeting-day "Gotcha Day," reminding her that she didn't like that phrase when she was little. "Should we keep calling it Family Day?" I asked.

"No, that's kind of confusing," Zoe says. "Confusing how?" I ask.

"Because I have a regular family here and a birth family in China," she says.

So we're on the lookout for a new name for our Gotcha/Forever Family/First-Meeting/Love-at-First-Sight Day. Any suggestions?

Nepal: Dutch Couple Seeking Son's Bio Parents

Here's the story:

A Dutch couple is in Kathmandu looking for the biological parents of their eight-year-old boy whom they adopted here in Nepal and then took to Holland, Kantipur Daily reported.

They were compelled to come to Kathmandu for this seemingly unusual search after their adopted child started asking about his original parents. “After Sangam started asking us about his parents, we came here looking for them,” the Dutch couple told Kantipur. The Dutch couple had adopted the boy when he was just 7 months old in the year 2000 from Nepal Children’s Organziation (NCO), an orphanage at Naxal in Kathmandu, and then took him with them to Holland.

Click here to read more.

One Year Ago Today . . .

. . . I had brain surgery! Kind of hard to believe it was a year ago -- it's still hard to believe I had brain surgery in the first place. I've had a 100% recovery, no physical or mental deficits (at least I don't think there are any mental deficits! If you've detected any, break it to me gently!).

The girls have recovered, too. No doubt the whole thing was harder on them than on me -- I managed to sleep through most of it. And then afterwards things were topsy-turvy, with six weeks for all of us at Mimi & GP's house (as much as they love them and as much as they love being at their house, it was still stressful for them because it was a change), and then six months without me driving. But a year later, it seems like nothing happened!

I feel so fortunate -- my mom says I must have been sprinkled with fairy dust as a child (I said if so, wouldn't I have avoided the surgery altogether?!). But part of the fairy dust WAS my mom -- we wouldn't have been able to get through it all without her!

Adoption and Religion, Part II

Here's another excerpt from that law blog:

1. It seems to me there is one important reason why we'd want to make sure that
adoptive parents raise the child in the birth parents' faith: To encourage the birth parents to put their children up for adoption, by removing or mitigating one reason for them not to do so (a fear that the child will be raised in a way that endangers the child's salvation). And that's true even if we don't share the parents' beliefs; so long as such birth parent fears are real, they may deter adoption placements that would otherwise happen, and that would help the child, the adoptive parents, the birth parents, and the taxpayers. It's true that there might be some opposite effects, if children end up being unadoptable because of long delays caused by waiting for just the right religion. But I suspect that the effects will quite likely be positive.

2. For international adoptions, there may also be similar reasons focused on the belief system of the birth parents' country. If Morocco stops allowing adoptions to
Britain or the U.S. because there's no assurance that the child will be raised Muslim, then that might materially diminish the quantity of win-win-win-win adoptions.

* * *

So the Times story, if accurate, is pretty troubling, both based on its particulars -- among other things, there's now one child who's more likely to have to spend more time in a Moroccan orphanage rather than in what seems likely to be a loving family -- and in what it says about the mistaken attitudes and priorities of the English child welfare system. I hope U.S. authorities avoid going down that path, both for First Amendment reasons and for the other reasons I outlined above.

Things I find troubling? The a priori assumption that encouraging birth parents to relinquish children is a good thing. The characterization of adoption as win-win-win-win -- sometimes, but it's more usually loss-loss/win-win. I'm not sure I want to put taxpayers on that list, as Prof.V. does.

What to you see -- positive as well as negative -- in these comments?

Adoption and Religion

Consider this post from a law blog I frequently read:

"Muslim Converts 'Not Islamic Enough' for Their Adopted Son to Have a Brother"

That's a headline from a Times (London) story:

When Robert and Jo Garofalo decided they wanted to adopt a child in Morocco they knew it would not be easy. Although the law in the Muslim state had been changed to allow foreign adoptions, the couple were required to convert to Islam first[, which they did]....

So when, earlier this year, they approached Surrey [U.K.] social services for approval to adopt again from the same Moroccan orphanage, they were surprised to discover that they would have to go through the whole process again. The couple were particularly concerned that, in order to assess Samuel’s “attachment” to them, he would have to be monitored and even filmed while playing. Equally disconcerting was that even though social workers indicated in an initial report that they would be prepared to support the second application, the couple were left with the impression that they were being asked to do more to show they were living a Muslim lifestyle.

* * *

A few thoughts:

* * *
4. . . . . [T]he rationale seems to be that an Islamic upbringing is in the child's best interest, because Islam "is an aspect of Samuel's identity," "heritage," "legacy," "religion," and "culture." And this, I think, is wrong as a matter of morality and sound government policy (and would be wrong in the U.S. as a constitutional matter).

The trouble, I think, is that (a) small children (Samuel was only several months old when he was adopted) don't have "religion" or "culture" or preexisting religious or cultural component to their "identity," and (b) the government shouldn't take a stand on how valuable the children's "heritage" or "legacy" is. Religion and culture is something that children are taught. Identity is something that is formed by those teachings, by the child's innate biological makeup, and by the reactions of peers and the rest of the adoptive society -- not by the religion of the child's birth country.

And whether a child should be raised in the religion of his birth parents or birth country, or raised in a much less devout version of the religion, or in another religion, or raised in no religion at all is a matter on which different sets of reasonable parents can differ. I know of no empirical basis for a belief that the child will be deeply scarred by one decision or another. And in the absence of such an empirical basis, the government shouldn't take the view that one's life, whether adult or young, should be linked to the accident of the child's birth. . . .

One commenter, J Adams, posted:

This strikes me as more UK bull****. I adopted three kids from overseas - we baptized them here as Catholics. As far as I'm concerned the "birth parents" and their "culture" can go jump in the lake - given the abuse our kids suffered. Their culture now? American. If some agency told me I'd need to convert in order to adopt I'll tell them to go to hell and move on. When does this madness end?

Reaction, anyone? Look at those quote marks around identity, heritage, culture, indicating just how unimportant and silly it is to consider it. After all, culture is something that is taught, so there is no problem in teaching a child the a-parents' culture and ignoring any birth culture. No empirical evidence that a child will be "deeply scarred" by ignoring birth culture? And is that our standard --parents can do what they will so long as a child is not "deeply scarred?"

There's even more in the original post to talk about -- I'll post more later. But I thought I could first separate out this topic of religion-culture-identity.

Comments? And of course you should feel free to comment on the original post!

I Love SiteMeter!

Judging from the sparse commenting here, you'd think less than a dozen people are visiting the blog. But according to SiteMeter, there's been over 3,500 hits since the blog's inception in mid-August. Now it could be that there are less than a dozen people visiting dozens of times a day, but somehow I doubt it! SiteMeter says the daily average is about 60.

Even more fun than the numbers is finding out where people are from -- Spain, Belgium, the Netherlands, China, Germany, United Kingdom, Canada, Japan. And just about every part of the United States, too: Youngstown, Ohio; Fort Worth, Texas (Hi, Mom!); Dillon, South Carolina; Vacaville, California; Lawrence, Kansas; Massepequa, New York; St. Paul, Minnesota; Tacoma, Washington; Las Vegas, Nevada; Traverse City, Michigan; Sunapee, New Hampshire; Chattanooga, Tennessee.

But my favorite part is the "Referrals" list -- how it is people found the site. Some it's because I'm on other blogs' blogrolls, and I thank you for including me! Some it's from emails to listservs -- and thank you for telling folks about Adoption Talk.

And I love looking at the various searches that get people to the blog. Some make sense -- you do a search for "talking to kids about adoption," you're likely to find us. And how about the person in Japan, using a French version of Google, looking for corruption in Chinese adoption? Found us! Searches for books we've reviewed, articles posted (the Newsweek article about the decline in international adoption was a frequent search that got people here), topics we've discussed ("parent teacher conference & international adoption," "disabled orphanage," "discussing skin color with kids").

The weirdest one is the search of blogs for "wife sharing." EEEEWWWWWWW! How did THAT lead here?!

Anyway, thanks for the hits! How about a rollcall in the comments? Where are you from, how did you find us, why do you read?

What Kids Say About Being Adopted

I love how much great stuff there is out there in cyberspace! I was playing around on the computer A LOT last night (my girls had a sleepover at Mimi's & Grandpa's!) and found Adoption Clubhouse, and these things young teens and pre-teens have said about adoption:

Ann marie, 13, NY January, 2007
sometimes if something comes up in class about being adopted i get upset.its hard for me because my sister just had a baby and i always think about what is my birth mother doing? does she remember me? dose she ever want to see me? all theses questions run through my head. Then after thinking about them i get upset. i like being adopted but theres something there thats missing from me.

By Kathryn, 16, Pennsylvania January, 2007
Over the years you can and may try to hide the fact that you’re adopted. For so long, I tried to run away from it, not wanting to believe it. But as I get older, you have to come to peace with it, and maybe later in life, you can look back and reflect of all the experiences you had,whether it was getting made fun of, learning about your past, and so many other good things. We are different from other kids; we share something special that not many other kids have. We should be proud of it.

By Andrew, 15, New York November, 2006
I am 15 and was adopted from Korea (south) when I was about 3 months old. I never saw my real parents (That i can remember of). I love my life now, but I always imagine what that feeling must be like... I mean, finding or seeing your real parents? I want to experience that. No one I know of has any information on them, so I don't even know if they are alive or not. I want to see them, but for now, I'll live my wonderful life in the USA

Anonymous, 10, Illinois May, 2006
A lot of people ask me what my real mom looks like. I say you don't have to know, because I really don't know what she looks like. Then people start bothering me about it though. Try to ask your parents or someone from the orphanage.

By Melissa, Age 9, Illinois, USA April 2006
My mom always said to me that being adopted is not bad, but it's hard to believe it's true if people tease you about it but it's not. I'm tan and family is white. It's more noticeable because we're different colors. People say that my birth parents didn't want me, but really they just couldn't take care of me. If they could have, they would have. Your parents love you just as much as if you weren't adopted. So don't listen to what other people say, they just don't understand. Just walk away with your head up knowing they're wrong and don't say anything to them.

By Anna, Age 13, New Jersey, USA January 2006
Person: What is your real name?
Me: I would tell you but the fact I have two might make your brain explode and killing people is frowned upon in many countries.

By Kathryn, Age 14, Pennsylvania June 2005
Adoption is really special because you were wanted, and picked to be in your family. If I could change one thing about adoption, it would be knowing more about your birth family. Being adopted is good and bad because you were wanted, but it can be hard to do projects and answer questions at school. In my family, nobody else is adopted. So I get pretty lonely and left out at times. But after I went to the Romanian Embassy for adopted kids, I met all these other children from Romania just like me. It was really a great experience because I have never known other
adoptees from Romania. I met a girl there named Claudia who just came from Romania 1 year ago. She ended up living 5 minutes away... when the embassy was in Washington DC. It was really cool. Now we are best friends and we share something in common.... adopted from Romania. It is really cool and I am so lucky to have met her. I wish I could have other adopted brothers or sisters like me, but at least I have Claudia and all her brothers and sisters who are adopted too.

by Heather, Age 10
Hi my name is Heather Me and my Brother are both adopted! We are from Different Birthmoms but look exactly like each other! We both look like my dad. I was there when my Brother was born, I got to meet his birthmom and birthdad. I was the first one to hold him [after his birthmom and dad of course]. I am SO happy that I am adopted because if I wasn't adopted I would not have the wonderful family that I have now! And I wouldn't have my brother either. I LOVE BEING ADOPTED!!!!!!!!

by Lilly, Georgia USA, Age 10
Does it feel strange to be adopted? When someone asks me tons of annoying questions like the one I titled in my writing I usually say: "No, it feels no different then being human. By the way are you writing a biography of me or something because your asking me tons of questions."

You can read more from other great kids by clicking here!

New Poll: What are you dreading most?

Sex, babies, periods, birth parents, hard stuff -- are you dreading "the talk?"

I had to include the "I hate you" moment -- when your child is mad enough to yell that at you. Hasn't happened to me yet, because yesterday Maya skipped right past it to: "I wish you were dead, then I can wear anything I want!" Yikes!!!!!

So here's a mini-poll you can answer in the comments -- what do you think I said?!

a. Well, if I'm going, I'm taking you with me.

b. You'd be living with Mimi, and I guarantee she wouldn't let you change clothes 3 times in one morning.

c. That's so MEAN! Don't you love me anymore?

d. I love you anyway, Maya.

Extra bonus points for guessing what I was thinking as well as what I said!

Also, post comments about the real, actual, genuine poll in the comments, too.

Sound Familiar?

Here's an international adoption story:

It took 18 months for me to adopt says La Plante

Lynda La Plante has criticised adoption laws after revealing that she had to wait 18 months to bring her young son back from [a foreign country].

The crime writer, who became a mother at the age of 57, has spoken of her anger at the long delays and bureaucracy which hold up the adoption process for infertile couples. . . .

In an interview with Woman's Weekly, she said: 'I wasn't allowed to bring Lorcan back to the UK for 18 months, while all the paperwork was sorted out. 'That meant he missed a year and a half of my mother's life, and she died two years ago. It's all wrong.'

As part of the adoption process, she had to satisfy both British and [the sending country's] adoption authorities before applying to immigration officials to bring the child into the UK.

British families adopt around 300 children from abroad every year. . . . [A]dopting in the [sending country] can be costly, with some agencies charging up to £25,000 [about $40,000].

Have you guessed the country from which Ms. LaPlante has adopted? It's the U.S.

Click here to read more.

Angelina Jolie Will Adopt Again

There are six children now in the household she shares with partner Brad Pitt, and, Jolie told TODAY’s Matt Lauer Thursday in New York, the question isn’t whether they will adopt another child, but when that will happen.

More here.

Why the Wait?

Commenter LAH asks:

Malinda, I'm wondering if you want to address this sometime in your blog. What
are the real reasons wait times are so long?

Very good question -- why have wait times for international adoption from China to the U.S. lengthened from one year to three years? I wish I had an answer! All I can do is add to the rampant speculation. But that won't stop me, it seems!

I do think that there are fewer non-special-needs children available for adoption from China. There are definitely fewer traditional abandonments, and mostly that's a good thing. The reason it's not a 100% good thing is that some children are being sold on the black market rather than being abandoned in the traditional way, and it's hard to know where these children end up. It's likely that some end up in the sex trade, others are sold into slavery to work in factories and on farms, others are "adopted." Those adoptions may well be to good families, but of course we can't know since they are not being screened. Some of those adoptions may be to acquire a daughter-in-law to raise to marry a son of the family -- an ancient Chinese practice that has not died out. And some end up in orphanages who are paying "finding fees" for "abandoned" children, and are adopted domestically and internationally according to CCAA rules.

I think the main reason for fewer abandonments are economic -- Chinese people are simply better off now, and able to afford more children. There's also some change in attitude, especially in the cities, about the value of girl children. Add to that some steps family planning authorities are taking to incentivize the parenting of girls -- additional benefits for keeping girls, like higher oil rations, increased school subsidies, etc.

Another reason is that the one child policy is actually WORKING in many places in China. People are stopping after one child, regardless of the sex of the baby. And a lot of the reason for that is not coercive policies so much as it is belief in what it takes to be economically successful in China today. When we were in China in 2007, I was amazed by the unanimity of opinion among college students and faculty at Xiada -- the only way to have economic success was to limit yourself to one child. Raising children is simply too expensive in modern China. Success = One Child.

Of course, that attitude is not necessarily gaining traction in rural areas, but the number of people making a living by farming in China is slowly decreasing, and movement to the cities is growing.

When we visited Zoe's and Maya's orphanage, Guiping SWI, the director told me frankly that they had less than half the children they used to have. She said that in the old orphanage building, they were very overcrowded with over 60 children. She was chagrined that they had built a grand new orphanage and had less than 30 kids -- and most of them in foster care.

So yes, there are fewer children available for adoption. And then there have been increases in domestic adoption -- and there would probably be more increase if SWIs weren't interested in hard-currency infusions from foreigners.

But does that mean there are too few to meet the number of domestic and foreign applicants? That's harder to know. I think there are probably more children in Chinese orphanages than we know about or see. There are thousands of rural orphanages all over China. At one time, there was a brisk "trade" in children from these orphanages to the larger orphanages that do international adoptions. The Hunan scandals that shone light on a variety of this kind of transfer pretty much shut down all transfers, even legal ones, because SWI directors were afraid of misstepping and being accused of trafficking. I don't think the transfers have resumed, or if they ever will resume. The CCAA promised new policies for transfers, but as far as we know, they have not materialized.

And it doesn't seem that there are a lot of domestic adoptions from these smaller orphanages -- most adoptive parents in China are interested in children from the "better orphanages," just like international adopters are, for reasons of physical and mental health of the children.

So, will wait times increase, decrease, remain the same? No idea. If they do increase or stay the same, I hope it is because children are staying with their birth families. THAT'S a real adoption success story!

I know there are prospective adoptive parents who are probably saying, "Easy for you to say, you've already got your children." Yes, and I understand the frustration -- it's hard to consider that the best interest of the child might be not to be adopted by you when you have so much love to give. And wanting what's best for a child is hard to figure when the child is an idea, an abstraction to you. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't.

Korea Aims to End IA by 2012

Excellent piece in the NYT about international adoption from Korea:

Daunted by the stigma surrounding adoption here, Cho Joong-bae and Kim In-soon delayed expanding their family for years. When they finally did six years ago, Mr. Cho chose to tell his elderly parents that the child was the result of an affair, rather than admit she was adopted. [doesn't this just tell you how strong the stigma is/was? You'd rather your parents thought you had an affair?!]

“My parents later died believing that I’d had an affair,” said Mr. Cho, 48, a civil engineer who has since adopted a second daughter.

Now, with South Korea becoming more accepting of adoptive families, Mr. Cho and Ms. Kim feel they can be more open, with relatives and nonrelatives alike. Ms. Kim, 49, attributed the change partly to the growth of other nontraditional families, like those headed by single parents or including foreign spouses.

“We feel attitudes have changed,” she said.

Just how much, though, is the critical question as the South Korean government is pushing aggressively to increase adoptions by South Koreans and decrease what officials consider the shameful act of sending babies overseas for adoption. Since the 1950s, tens of thousands of South Korean children have been adopted by foreigners, mostly Americans, because of South Koreans’ traditional emphasis on family bloodlines and reluctance to adopt.

But last year, for the first time, more babies here were adopted by South Koreans than foreigners, as the government announced recently with great fanfare: 1,388 local adoptions compared with 1,264 foreign ones. What is more, South Korea — which still is one of the top countries from which Americans adopt — has set a goal of eliminating foreign adoptions altogether by 2012.

Click here to read more. The article raises doubts that the goal is possible for special needs adoption, and shows that Korea still has a ways to go in lessening stigma associated with adoption. Adopting parents are still trying to hide the fact of adoption by faking pregnancies, changing jobs, moving, etc. And, there still seems to be prejudice about single parents -- there are complaints that allowing single-parent adoptions domestically (Korea does not allow singles in its IA program) is lowering the standards and are not in the best interest of children.

It's great to see Korea step up to the plate and tried to deal with stigma associated with unwed pregnancy and adoption. I'm wondering how much of this has been the influence of many adult adoptees from Korea who have long lobbied to end IA from Korea.

One argument they made was that international adoption actively prevented Korea from dealing with the stigma issue -- as long as Korea could send children overseas, they didn't have any incentive to try to reduce prejudice toward unwed pregnancy or try to redirect Confucian ideas about bloodlines. So the argument went that international adoption should cease so that Korea would deal with this as a domestic issue. How interesting that Korea is dealing with it BEFORE ending the IA program.