Adopting from China seemed the perfect solution to our desire for a family. I longed for daughters, and 95 percent of the babies in Chinese orphanages were girls. While I never wanted my daughters to feel grateful for being "rescued" by us, I did feel that a family is a better place for a child than an orphanage. I still feel that way. But as I leaned my forehead against the cold glass of the plane's window and watched China disappear, I cried a little for the giggling baby who was leaving her homeland for a new life across the world. She needs a family, and we love her. Why am I crying? I thought.
Once home, I was intoxicated by the rush of finally being a mommy and the entrancing little girl who was now my daughter. I was the forever mother. It was a while before I continued the thoughts I'd had on the plane. More and more, I began to think about what my girls left behind when they became our daughters.
As they say, read the whole thing!
3 comments:
I've read that article before.
I must say, the line that touched me the most was when she stopped dismissing Korean adult adoptees.
[And maybe in some ways we could learn from them what not to do. We maybe could do it better. But we could never be the parents who bore our children. We could never undo the biggest hurt of all. The primal one.
"Did my birth mother love me?"]
I still ask myself that question every day.
It's tough. And I'm *really* glad other prospective adoptive parents are starting to realize that wound - for some adoptees - may never completely heal.
Add the layer of loss of foster families and the emotions are so strong and deep that at times it is overwhelming for all concerned.
The complexities of this issue make it difficult to fully discuss online (things taken out of context, etc). It is just that--complex; however, I believe there are definite don'ts that I hope AP's are learning--sadly I see many still in denial or unwilling to look beyond themselves and their role in the triad (or square as we use since we have foster relations as well).
This article brought back a tug at my own emotions. In January 2002 when I was flying back from China with Sydney, she screamed LITERALLY 80% of the trip back. I had deliberately not turned on a TV in China so that we could bond and just have each other. She would look at the TV on the plane and sceam as if terrified. She'd look around the plane and wail. When she fell asleep (finally) I burst into tears wondering if she thought this miserable trip was her destiny after leaving the comfort of her own country. I still have difficulty recalling that memory, it was a questioning moment for me as a parent. But, I knew in my heart we were right for each other. I knew deep down that even with the loss of her birth family and comfort of her own country I would always do the best I could for her as her mother. I promised her that over and over, and still do.
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