More than 30 years slipped away before my mother and I really discussed my
adoption. My earlier attempts were delivered in the form of sporadic, cautious hints. I would mention Vietnam or one of my writing projects in the hope it would develop into further discussion. However, only silence resulted, followed by her strategically changing the topic. Why did this have to be so difficult?Baffled and infuriated by her continued reluctance, I had to accept that dancing on eggshells would get me nowhere. Direct confrontation would eventually be my only option. So during a recent phone conversation, I told her that I’d been researching my adoption history. She asked if I’d spoken to my father to which I replied, “Yes but I need to know what you have to say.”
Silence.
“You know that’s all water under the bridge…” she began before I cut her off. My frustration had reached its peak, “Mom, I don’t want to do this anymore. Whatever it is, all I’m asking for is your side of the story.”
It really was that simple, which left me wondering why it had been so difficult in the first place. I’ve yet to fully understand why we never talked about my adoption in depth and still look back with great sadness. Establishing honest communication
lines between us might have prevented years of misunderstanding and offered
a more solid foundation on which to build our relationship. The silence fostered only presumption, frustration, and mistrust and led to more silence.
Click here to read more. Also check out her list of adoptee blogs.
2 comments:
Thank you for the link. I have recently "lost" two TRA Korean blogs as one has returned for her PhD and the other has not posted in a few months following the death of Julia. I miss their insight and resources already. I am glad to find another as I find the information they share such a great insight into things we often don't think of or about.
I think many parents, especially in the past, thought they were doing the right thing or believed that total assimilation works; we know differenly know and I am grateful that we have voices to hear.
I forgot to mention that I agree with the point of this post, we are a community and have to see one another as such--the triad of birth family, child, and adoptive family is important and understanding all perspectives (even though varied) helps us all and especially our children.
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