Monday, July 25, 2011

Dear Abby: Fund-Raising for Adoption

OK, here's the letter:
DEAR ABBY: My best friend “Zoe” is unable to have children. She tried in vitro four times without success. The doctors told her there’s nothing else they can do.

Zoe and her husband have decided to adopt. However, it is very expensive and all of their savings went toward the IVF treatments. Zoe’s mom wants to have a benefit to raise money for them. I am against the idea because, in my opinion, benefits are given for something you don’t choose (like cancer or a house fire). Adopting a child is a choice.

I live paycheck-to-paycheck as it is, and I don’t feel comfortable donating to this cause. What if they change their minds after the benefit or the adoption doesn’t work out? What will they do with the money then?

Is what they’re planning acceptable? I know I’ll be talked about by Zoe and her mother if I don’t contribute. — Friend in Conflict
So how would you answer the letter?  What do you think of all the fundraising for adoptions that goes on, spread far and wide on the blogosphere?  How do you think Abby answered it?


Jeff and Madeline said...

I don't know or, in all honesty, care what Dear Abby has to say, but I do not feel adoption should ever be a fundraising effort. If your family wants to chip in, great! Or if a good friend offers to help out, good for you. However, asking for money to expand your family is tacky.

When did it become acceptable to ask people to "chip in" when you decide to have children? If you can't afford to bring the child to your family, how will you afford homeland tours if international and/or trips to see first families in America if not nearby.

As for me, it is a big no to ask and even worse when you beg people up on your blog.

everythingismeowsome said...

I had to click over to see the response, and I agree with what she said.

LilySea said...

I don't mind when people do fundraisers for others--whether for fertility treatments or for adoption--but asking for yourself does seem tacky. And I really loathe when the pitch is framed as rescuing an orphan.

April Dietz said...

Benefits, or the online-fund-raising to pay for adoptions, I personally think are a little weird.

But logically, if the letter writer really thinks "benefits are given for something you don't choose" then she should know that people don't choose to be infertile. Some people don't choose to get pregnant at a young age, either, but people give baby showers to unwed teenage moms as a benefit. "What if they change their minds after the benefit or the adoption doesn't work out?". That's rather an unfair question. What if the young expectant mom isn't a good mother or the child isn't raised the way you would like to see? What if a sick person dies who you give to their medical expenses? You do not get to delegate how your money or gifts are used after you give them. I agree with Abby that a better reason to not give is simply because she cannot afford to, and leave it at that.

I do think benefits for adoption are weird, though.

OmegaMom said...

Firstly, I agree wholeheartedly with Wendy.

Secondly: Why is it considered "okay" by our society to hold a fundraiser for adoption, but not for, say, IVF? Well, that's because adoptees are seen as PORE CHILLUNS WHO NEED FAMILIES/SAVING. Which leads to:

Thirdly: Almost every adult adoptee I have read who has blogged or commented about adoption fundraisers has been straight up hostile to the very idea, because of that very same PORE CHILLUNS mindset.

Family/friends chipping in--that's okay with me (my mom & dad helped us, and my grandmother offered). But beyond that, no.

And I don't like it when others do it for you, either, because the same thing applies.

Garage sales? Sure thing--so long as you don't have a sign saying it's to "Bring Bethany Home!" (complete with picture and a paragraph about how horrible "Bethany"'s life will be if she isn't adopted). Second job? Fine. Personal loan from a bank? Sure. Borrowing against your 401K. Go for it. But fundraising raises my hackles big time.

Mi Hilo Rojo said...

When we started the adoptions was after having done 3 IVF and spend 32,000. From saving money, garage sales and raffles could reach almost half. And I am very grateful to my friends who helped me.
We are about to go to our Heritage trip. Between raffles, garage sales, tupperware, Chip in, selling subscriptions of magazines and the money we saved we are ready to go to China.
So I would be a person Tacky? I'm not stealing!
I'm sorry but I do not share opinions. I respect your opinions BUT you have to be in another shoes to know why the family ask for. Im not mad with the people that didnt help, didnt buy raffle, its ok. we appreciated those people that bring something from the little that they can have. Again BAd could be steal!
Just my thoughts.

Jeff and Madeline said...

I am not sure why you would think we may not have been in your shoes Mei-Ling. Trust me when I say that we did not just have the money lying around for our adoption or our first trip back to China, but we found a way without making it a public financial event.

Jill C said...

I wish we could all dig deep and try to find compassion for other people's choices, myself included. It's easy for people with money or access to money to judge others. As Rhett Butler said, "Virtue is a matter of money". Contributing to causes are made on an individual basis and a review of the situation may be in order.

Jill C.

Victoria said...

My other comment got eaten somehow. I would echo what Omega Mom said. Also, I would go beyond the people who said it's tacky and say that for me, it's deeply offensive.

Real Daughter said...

I find it repulsive. My ap's had to borrow money from my a Mom's uncle, and trust me, I was made aware of what I cost.

I was married at 18, and had my first 8 weeks early, and had no insurance for me. I was hospitalized from February until I had my daughter in April. No one "chipped in", and I didn't have a fundraiser. It took us YEARS to pay off my hospital bill.

If you can't afford to pay to get the child, how will you afford to raise the child?

It's like the old saying goes...."If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it."

Laura said...

I guess I don't understand why people feel so strongly against this - if you don't like it, don't donate. period. If you're that offended, click off of the page. Personnally, I'm ambivilent about fundraisers, but it's personal, so I don't impose my judgment onto someone else. I know people have said older adoptees don't like it, but again, people should have the right to decide what does and doesn't work for their families. If the family or community makes a child feel guilty b/c of their parents' fundraising, then shame on them. I also think it's only fair to point out that the overwhelming majority of fundraisers I've seen pertain to
SN adoptions - and these specific families may be the kid's only hope to have a family and get the medical care they need to thrive. I'm not a "fundraiser" but I've bought cute t-shirts and donated to raffles - what's the harm? Finally, it's not remotely accurate to say if someone doesn't have 25 grand laying around they won't be able to raise the child. Most families - bio or adopted - don't have the luxury of this extra money, but have health insurance and public schools and enough love to make sure the child is raised well. I just don't get the animosity that this topic generates, and wish parents would have a little more compassion for other parents.

Anonymous said...

I believe in part this hostility or animosity towards adoptive families fundraising is because it calls to the forefront the issue of money exhanging hands where a child is concerned. And that, while reality, is uncomfortable for many. Unintended consequences of fundraising such as leaving a child with a climate of feeling gratitude is unfortunate and yet many AA feel that regardless of how their folks structured their adoption expenses.

On the other hand no one ever questions a family on how much their hospital bill was following a birth or the final expense of a successful IVF treatment. No one scrutinizes their ability to afford a child or worries if they are financially solvent for "trips" and such down the road. Some, not all, of those treatments are covered by insurance. Many multiple birth pregnancies are high risk and will tax our medical system/insurance pool. Should those families be eliminated as potential parents then too if they cannot "pay" unfront?

Frankly my eyebrows shot WAY UP at the person who suggested that if you cannot afford to take your IA child on a homeland journey trip, you somehow fail as a person/parent? Really? Wow.

Finally, we all "help out" in so many ways when it comes down to it. Half of the children in my daughter's classroom are on free or reduced lunch and we live in middle class community. Welfare, food stamps, home loans for folks who have no down payments, corporate bail-outs....I could go on & on.

The choice is yours whether you wish to contribute just as the choice is individual to fundraise for an adoption or not. We did not, but I hold no grudge against those who do.


P.S. I also think sadly that some fundraising families have made it bad for others by touting fancy trips, new car purchases, shopping sprees, etc. via blogs or FB, while also fundraising. That's hard to swallow and still feel good about chipping in IMOP.

Jeff and Madeline said...

It is quite a stretch to compare helping those with free lunch to someone who wants to adopt. Adoption is a choice, not a right or a necessity. It is a want.

Yes, I absolutely feel if you have no future budget for homeland tours you are failing the child in a big way; just as I feel not preparing for your retirement is failing your child--why should they have to pay for you. I am not saying you have to have 25 thousand plus lying around, but I have also never seen a circumstance where that amount is asked for all at once.

It is offensive seeing a chip-in button, especially for Chinese nsn where they know they have 5 plus years to raise the funds themselves!

It is tacky and offensive, and it does further the public perception of the savior mentality.

Okay...enough of my opinion. :-)

birthmothertalks said...

I have thought about this topic before and for me as a birthmom I get kind of sad if and when I hear how people poor out tons of money to help support an adoption and I think about the poor birthmom who doesn't have the resources to raise her child. I won't say that I would never help someone raise funds for adoption but it's not very likely that I would do it. Mostly, because my heart is for if at all possible for families to stay together. If I knew adoptive couples in person and I don't but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't show support in other ways. For example, showering them with gifts for the baby.

Anonymous said...

But Wendy, that's just it. Supporting said fundraising events is a choice too....not a forced issue or mandated tax. I was using welfare/ reduced/free lunch as an example of how we all give, even indirectly ~ and I think you know that! :)

Do support it (adoption fundraising) or don't. That's your right.

And to me the logic is flawed. Just because you might need support initially with the costs of an adoption does not mean you won't have the necessary funds down the road for such a homeland trip.

That's like saying a parent of a newborn already needs to have a college savings put aside in full or they are not responsible parents. Or medical insurance...etc,

It just doesn't compute.

And would you honestly tell a set of AP's that saving for a homeland trip trumps college savings, medical insurance payments, paying off your mortgage, retirement savings, etc??? Interesting.

Responsible parenting comes in many forms ~ none of them are insured by a trip to one's homeland. Nor are the losses in adoption glossed over simply by a homeland trip. For that matter, not every adoptee wishes to make that journey. We have a teenage child like right now. Might change...might not.

In our case? Yes we are saving and have already been back to visit once for one child. But to presume that all parents of adopted children must follow that model?

Not so much.

Mi Hilo Rojo said...

WE, have work, we save money and if I can have a second job to make extra money BUT who take care of my daughters. I did fundraiser, Tupperware fundraiser. My friends said to buy a tupperware to X person and she make the money and make Tupperware millionary or billionary is better that we buy from you. And you can make the money. PLus lots of things that we can make in summer and we didnt go because we were saving the money. The decisions for adoption is very personal International o Domestic. If you have the money AWESOME, If you have LOTS in your bank account AWESOME BUT that is not telling that it is the best parent.
Again, Im not stealing to anybody., WHO doesnt want to help DONT help, its their decisions. and completely OK.
If somebody ask me to donate for adoption, for travel, for health YES I WILL BE part of and I will help. 5 dollars, yes, 5 are good!God said bring some of what do you have, NOT because you have xtra. And I will multiply everything for you. !!!
Thanks for all your opinions. It is nice to learn how many different HUMAN beings are in the world!

The Declassified Adoptee said...

I'm adopted. Which means I get to have an opinion on adoption issues. While other might be able to just "click off a page," I can't just "click off" of being adopted. So I hope those who would question why I am making an opinion would pardon me if my opinions are passionate or if I feel like a lack of ethics in adoption, something I made no choice of my own to be a part of, impacts me.

That being said, I think that money in adoption is unethical. Therefore, I would never donate to an adoption fundraiser. To me, it doesn't make sense to raise money to afford to adopt a child instead of raising money to help several families afford to KEEP their children.

Unknown said...

Fundraising is always a controversial topic in the adoption community. My husband and I are in the process of adopting our first child. We took out a personal loan to cover the costs. Why? Because we don't have $30k sitting around. We will never save that amount of money. I know no one who does.

I've also never donated money to someone's adoption fund. As others have pointed out, it's a choice as to whether or not you contribute. Personally, both my husband and I think it's tacky and selfish.

On the topic of saving money and parenting: We will not save for a homeland trip, or college, or other random things that others deem necessary for her. If she wants to go on a homeland trip, she can save her own money and go. My grandfather's family is from Portugal. Guess what? I went to Lisbon in college as a study abroad program. She can do something like that. If she wants to go to college, she can get scholarships/student loans. Or she can get a job out of high school working in a factory. It's her choice to make, not mine. I'll be paying on my student loans until I'm 55 - that was my choice. No where does it say being a good parent means paying/saving for everything (or contributing to other folks adoption fundraisers).

Anonymous said...

My adult cousin, adopted from Korea, once had an elderly gentleman at her church approach her and remark, "I remember you when you were a baby. I helped your parents pay for you." She was 12 years old at the time.

(My aunt and uncle hosted a fundraising dinner at their church before they traveled to adopt her.)

Yes, most people would never think such a thing, much less say it to a preteen. But engaging in adoption fundraising opens the door for these types of comments, even years into the future. You can only guarantee that YOU will not be an idiot, you cannot say the same for OTHERS.

Anonymous for my cousin's sake, as she's given me leave to share this story to other APs, but she'd rather remain anonymous.

meghann said...

I don't like adoption fund raising. I've never been able to articulate exactly what about it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but OmegaMom and Amanda both said things that resonated with me. First, that fund raising seems to bring adoption into the realm of "charity" - I imagine OM is right in that people give to "rescue" some poor child, since so many people have told me over the years how "lucky" my kids are that we adopted (read: rescued) them and I know that attitude is ridiculously prevalent. And Amanda is right in that it's pretty messed up that - if people *do* give out of a sense of charity/helping a fellow human being/whatever - that adoptive parents are deemed "worthy" of that support while expectant parents considering adoption are not.

Typing that last sentence made me sad. It's not like it's a secret that our society holds these ridiculous stereotypes about first parents, but seeing it in print that way makes me really angry... xo

Melanie said...

It bothers me when I see this on blogs, and then the PAP goes on to talk about how the birthmother can't afford to keep the child. They can't afford it either. I'd give money to the birthmother before I'd give to the PAP, and I am an adoptive parent. It's just wrong on so many levels.

Kris said...

I don't agree with fundraising for adoption. It is tacky and slightly creepy. It has a huge ick factor for me.

Reena said...

We saved the money-- twice. No contributions from family or friends, no loans or second mortgages. We saved the money for both of our IA.

How? We didn't buy a big fancy house or fancy cars. We do staycations instead of vacations. We don't eat out much. Until recently most of our clothes are from consignment shops.

I know another family who downsized from their dream house to a lesser home for the sake of affording their second adoption. It wasn't a big production, just a matter of fact this what we are doing.

Some folks argue that it is the initial cost of the adoption and not the every day to day cost of raising a child. I understand that argument, regardless, I am not a big fan of public fundraisers.

Aside from how the child might feel when they are older (this is a big aside) and learn about the fundraiser for their adoption (and they will hear about it)--

I've seen several adoption blogs that asked for chip-ins etc. and then the family brings 3 plus kids with them to adopt the new child.

Really? yeah, the chip-in is usually just for the orphanage donation fee (China adoption) but that would be covered by the expense of taking the other kids.

Christie said...

All I can think while I read some of these comments is how struck I am by the selfishness of others. Choose not to be offended people! What's the worst thing that happens here? A child gets a family to love? A family gets a child to love? Childless mothers and motherless children come together through a community of people who reached out? OMG. Find something real to complain about. I hate this kind of crap. I'm a huge fan of fundraising to adopt - I don't care your reasons. If you want to fundraise and those that love and care about you want to support you in it - then who is ANYONE to say "shame on you". Where is the sense of community? I find the responses here very sad indeed. Come on, deeply offensive? Seriously? This is just baffling.

Anonymous said...

The worst of the worst seems to be the Reece's Rainbow Adoption Ministry-related adoption fundraising websites. More often than not the PAP websites feature pictures of the kid they hope to adopt, overdone prose about the heinous conditions in orphanages, and pleas for money... accompanied by "raffles" for iPads and other expensive toys as fundraisers. The best part is that the $$ raised by these "donations" is ACTUALLY used to buy the expensive gizmo being "raffles" off.

Don't believe me? Check it out yourself:

It is also worth noting that photos of kids are posted, despite the fact the countries in which said kids reside DO NOT ALLOW photolistings, like Ukraine, Russia and Serbia):

Anonymous said...

Finally people halfway agree with me. I think it is horrible to play on people sympathy to raise money for a foreign Russian adoption or a down syndrome baby. First I know if one girl now easing money who already gave up her autistic son because she had no time for him or was embarrassed/maybe he cramped her style. She dumped him off at her mothers house an told her mon she was going to California to start a new life. Well the months later she came back pregnant. She lies all the time. So how can u believe what she says. But on her blog nobody helps her. Not even her family. She has lied about selling her big ole house with twenty one rooms. The had to go she lives in a poor little three bedroom house. Poor thing.I think she is maybe just trying to raise money to support her old lifestyle. Lord an now she is super religious. From what I know if her that's hard to believe. I could go on and on. I think this is complete FRAUD. I hear about the schemes all the time but this is crazy. I actually no who this person is. It is interesting to watch this thing develop. PEOPLE HOW CAN YOU MAKE SURE SOMETHING IS LEGIT. ITS LIKE WATCHING THOSE JERKS ON TV BEGGING FOR YOUR MONEY.THE GIRL WRITING THIS BLOG OUGHT TO QUIT BEGGING FOR MONEY AN WRITE BOOKS. SHE IS REAL GOOD AT THAT. BUT ONLY FICTION. CAUSE SHE IS LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD. you know what amazes me. They way things look. They have already raised 40+thousand dollars. I feel sorry for that little baby. I REALLY HOPE I AM WRONG FOR THAT LITTLE DOWNS SYNDROME BABY FROM RUSSIA

Anonymous said...

Check out
FRAUD FRAUD FRAUD. Somebody should make this illegal. I have never read such lies. ____

Anonymous said...

To the anonymous person, I wholeheartedly agree. I went to the links posted by both anonymous persons. I can't believe what people are doing to try and get money. That's a lot of money to raise to give to a stranger. I went back on that page that the second anonymous person and it sounds like the person writing that is a nut case. No ones life is that perfect unless they're making it all up.

Anonymous said...

To the anonymous person that posted this...

"But Wendy, that's just it. Supporting said fundraising events is a choice too....not a forced issue or mandated tax. I was using welfare/ reduced/free lunch as an example of how we all give, even indirectly ~ and I think you know that!"

You're right about that, too. But as an example: These poor people donating thousands of dollars to, have no idea what a psychopath they're helping to adopt a DS child. I know her personally. Have for a few years now. Enough to know people that know her as well because we all live in the same community and I know the things she has done to her parents, to her step family, to her ex-husband, to her own son that is now living with her husband because she didn't want him.

When a mutual friend told me about her blog and her trying to adopt a child, that was DS, much less from out of the country, I about flipped my wig. I went to the site and started reading all the things she wrote on there about her family, her past, etc...

All I can tell you is, it's a nice piece of fiction. And I feel for the people donating all that money to a crazy person. It's lies. I could go into so much history I know about her but I won't.

My point being, people need to be careful. Just because someone starts claiming to love God so much and doing everything in Jesus name, does not mean they being genuine. This woman claims to love the Lord and believes in second chances etc, but from what I've heard from her family and her step family, she has never made things right with them to be forgiven. She has really put them through hell. She cries about how they and her husband's family are not helping her....... well now you know why.

Just proceed with caution. I surely hope these people find out what a fake she is and spare that baby before she gets her hands on it.

Renee said...

Friends, if you have something to say to me, or about me, please feel free to email me personally. My life, my children's lives, are not yours to trash but I am open to a discussion about why you feel the way you do. And notice, I am signing my name, not hiding behind anonymous.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Just because you're signing your name to this doesn't mean a thing. Friends, family, feel the way they do about you because they know the REAL you.

Unlike these people on here, they know the truth about the events of your life. Not this intricate web of lies you have articulated to the world and all these generous people that do not have a clue as to who they are donating. You do have a way with words though, I'll give you that. If I didn't know of you I would probably think you were awesome, too.

You know the truth though. No matter how fancy you try and dress things up on here, there's this world and there's the real world. I hope your lies and the guilt of so much pain you've caused for friends and family, even your own child, eat at you for the rest of your life. Because you see, in order to be forgiven, you have to start with the persons you've wronged by asking their forgiveness.

Wake up people, this is why her family and her husband's family do not support her efforts.

Anonymous said...

Oh Dear. Someone must have pushed a few buttons, why else would someone need to hide their tales plastered over the internet?

The only thing satanic circling around here is the haven someone makes for themselves, woven in a web of lies and deceit. Much like that of a cult leader. Never let anyone know the -real- truth of the matter, lest they go astray from the pretty little picture that has been painted and displayed before them. Use Jesus and God in everything to cast an even greater opaque curtain over the truth.

Pssst. No matter how hard you try, those who know the real truth can still see right through you.

Andrew said...

I have read through this discussion and some of the comments resonate with how I've felt about this issue. Some, do however go a bit to far in accusational tone. It is certainly an emotionally charged issue.
The blog listed above is an example of a good husband and wife who are doing all sorts of fundraising toward adopting a daughter from China. This situation is a bit different, however, since they have 3 healthy sons, and have no fertility issues. They are looking to adopt a daughter because God has not yet given them a baby girl. I can't say for certain, but would they even be pursuing adoption at all if they had 2 sons and a daughter?? They don't have the funds to adopt on their own, so they have been fundraising for almost a year, with a lot left to collect. This effort, however, did not keep them from making annual family trips to Disney World. I see a real problem with asking people to give money to support a very expensive process because one prefers to have a girl and can't risk having yet another child unless they can guarantee it is a girl.

Anonymous said...

Hey andrew. There is a fourth son she forgot to mention. He is autistic. From her first marriage. She gave him up because she did not want to mess with him. Man if you only knew the whole story. For such a good caring religious girl she never calls him to not for birthdays. Not for christmas. Never. Now she wants to adopt a ds girl. Why? There is a lot more to this story. Maybe one day. I hope its not to late.

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TJ, Kaylan, Miles, Perry & Simon said...

There are an estimated 163,000,000 orphans in the world. If someone wants to raise money to give one of those orphans a home, a mom and a dad, an education, I'm not exactly sure what the problem is. Just saying..

Roy said...

Many people fun adoption fundraiser (see here: and I don't see anything wrong with it. In fact, I think it gives others a chance to get involved in this special moment.

However, if you're struggling with finances you should freely be able to say no - you simply can't afford it. There are other things you can still do to help. For example, you could spread the word for them which can be very powerful indeed.

Unknown said...

My wife and I are fundraising for our adoption through our own website that includes and paypal button. I can understand how some could be turned off by adoption fundraisers at are geared towards guilting them into giving through stories about suffering and the doom that would result from not reaching their monetary goal. But that's one extreme side of the spectrum.

In our case, we are doing domestic open adoption and do not even know the child we will adopt yet, so our letter to family and friends (with a link to our website) basically says that we are adopting through an agency and if you'd like to help out with the expense, then you can, otherwise just keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I think I would feel a bit affronted if I came across a website asking me to help "save" or "rescue" a particular child by giving money. We feel fine about message we are giving on our website.

Another aspect of adoption through an agency that we feel strongly about is that we absolutely DO NOT FEEL that we are "buying" a child. We are paying legal fees and for the services provided by the agency. And that will be the honest truth that our adopted child will know someday. We know that, at least through our agency, the children adopted through them have no price attached to their lives.

Another thing I'd like to touch upon is the notion that contributing to a adoptive family's fund raiser is the antithesis to helping a poor mother care for her her biological child. Although financial solvency can play a part in a mother's decision, it is by no means only reason children are put up for adoption. There are numerous reasons why young women choose adoption (not wanting the responsibility, cultural pressures, etc.) Please do think that it is we, who are choosing to adopt, that are creating a market for children who need a family, because that is far from the truth. I don't know the statistic, but I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of children in the world in need of a loving family. Families paying adoption lawyers and adoption agencies did not put these children in their situation.

So if adoption fundraising puts you off, just don't participate. And if you feel so strongly about the impoverished families that are struggling to feed their children, sponsor a child through Save the Children or other similar organization. Take that frustration at world that doesn't support poor struggling mothers, cultures that devalue certain genders, societies that offer little to now education on birth control, and channel it somewhere you think you can help make a change.

Deanna said...

I am saddened to see so many comments on here that are "offended" by those who do "fundraising" to help with adoption costs. I am overjoyed for the few that have said that they understand the need for this option. My husband and I are looking into the option of adoption. I have gone through IVF treatments with no success and we want a child so much but we don't have the funds to pay the expenses for a domestic adoption. I have looked into the option of doing fundraising events to help with the costs. Just because a family cannot afford to pay the legal fees for the adoption doesn't mean that they cannot raise a child and give that child love and a secure home. Why should someone be "punished" and not see their dream of having or growing their family dashed because of lack of funds? People you are missing the point here. Fundraising should be done in the community. Children go door to door selling cookies for school, why not do it for your neighbor to be able to adopt?

I've been thinking of throwing a Spaghetti dinner. Asking friends, family, coworker to DONATE products and/or services as raffle items. Having a yard sale this spring/summer and everything we get will go to help raise money toward our adoption. We may get a booth at the local Summerfest to raise funds. Coming up with ideas that don't necessarily scream "help us fund our child" but that help bring in money without having to take out a LOAN and get into DEBT in order to adopt a child. It's all about are you doing the fundraisers for the right reasons? And if you do it with tact and tastefully present your request then what's the harm?

I understand those that have said that why should families wanting to adopt raise funds when they should be helping birthmother's keep their child. I get that and there are cases where that would be a wonderful thing to do. Help families stay together but what about the birthmother that chooses open adoption? What about the children in foster care that had no choice to stay with their biological family and need a "forever home"? What about them? Should they suffer without a family because people like me can't afford to adopt? Can only wealthy people adopt? Is that the mentality that we should take? OR if God has placed a calling on our hearts to adopt and has presented the option of fundraising to bring this about. shouldn't we take the chance and do whatever it takes to make it happen?

My husband and i want to adopt domestically and yet it is still very expensive to do so. So, those of you who think it's tacky, please, stay away. We don't want or need your help. But if you see the benefit of helping those who can give a loving home to a child in need. Please help. Give your time, give items to be raffled off, give financially whatever you can to those that are looking for help to adopt. God's word says that we should take care of the widow and the orphan. Not every child that is put up for adoption is an orphan but they do deserve to be loved. There are too many children out there that need a forever home and unfortunately not enough families out there that can adopt even if they want to. All because the COST stops them in their tracks. I refuse to let that happen to us. There is a child out there for us. It's just a matter of trusting God to lead us to him/her. God will provide the funds as well and one of the means is through fundraising. It may be tacky to many people but I don't see it as people paying for my child. A child isn't a money transaction. But there are legal fees involved. Why can't we all just see the benefit of helping families come together.

Yes, adoption is a choice but it isn't a choice at the same time. I didn't choose to be infertile, but I do choose to have a child by adoption and those who want to help us be able to fulfill our dream, we welcome you. Those who don't, we're not asking a thing from you. We're not judging you. Don't judge us!

Mimicita said...

I was doing my research on wether or not i should really move forward with our BBQ benefit to raise money for our IVF.
I cant believe people are against it, many times we drive or go to craft shows and see people selling small items and claim money goes for "cancer treatments" "medical bills" "funeral costs"
Why is it tacky to provide a service in exchange for money to help you raise money?
I also have a gofundme page and everybody who donates gets something in return, a simmering pot, bath bombs, paintings...
The only difference is IVF couples or couples adopting are pouring their hearts out so you know what the money is for.

Im sure non of us ever go back to ask if the item we bought truly funded that "bill or person"

As for the comments " if you cant afford it then dont have a kid"
That seems unfair- We didnt choose to be infertile- we certainly didnt ask for the treatments to cost $20,000+ You should realize that by the time we are told IVF or adopting is our only hope we are completely broke.Insurance doesn't always cover everything, and we still have to eat,pay our mortgage and keep on keeping. There is nothing wrong with people asking for help. Im sure a lot of women didnt choose to be mothers a young age and no perhaps no one chipped in to help but did you ask?
The worse they can say is no, and you move on.
I am working my ass off for a bonus and we cut back on so many thing, WAY back.
My heart goes out to those in situations like i am. I truly feel people dont understand till they are "STUCK" with infertility or any situation in live. <3

Mimicita said...

And sorry for the typos, when you type whats on your mind you forget to double check spelling.

Unknown said...

There are an expected 163,000,000 strays on the planet. In the event that somebody needs to raise cash to give one of the aforementioned strays a home, a mother and a father, a training, I'm not precisely beyond any doubt what the issue is. Simply stating crowdfunding platform .

Unknown said...

Hello Every i am Judith from Housto texas i came to this site to share my testimony i got married for 15 years without giving birth but life was miserable for me so i decided to adopt a baby while i was browsing on the internet i saw a great man called Dr Dave i explain all my problems to him and he help me adopt a boy and a girl from South Africa . Now i am happy with my husband and my two children so if you are in similar situation kindly contact Dr Dave on email ( and get your baby today ....

you only live once said...

Nothing seems more tacky than leaving a child without a future because you think it is tacky to fundraise. Fundraising should be done in a way that is respectful to the child now and later, but sometimes it simply has to be done.

AF Jacobsen said...

This IS all about rescuing an orphan... all of you who have complained about being "asked" should be ashamed of yourselves. You were not forced to donate, but there ARE children out in the world who are hungry, alone, and in need of real help. This is no different than being asked to donate to a charity, because in the end you are saving a child's life. That is what you should be thinking about! If you cannot afford to "chip-in" then don't, but how any of you can fault these people for exhausting all their efforts to save a child is beyond my comprehension.

Caylee said...

I saved up $30k ahead of each of my biokids -- so that I could afford to take 6 months of mat leave.

Hubby and I aren't rich, don't have rich parents or trust funds -- we are simply responsible and hardworking.

I'm willing to be you've saved $30k for something you REALLY WANTED -- like a down payment or college tuition... but clearly don't want to adopt badly enough to do the same!

Caylee said...

Do you know why women here in the US give up their babies for adoption? Mostly because they can't afford to raise that kid.

Guess what?? YOU can't either!! If you could you wouldn't fundraise!!

If I am gonna give to a fundraiser for a momma, it will be the BIRTH momma so she can raise her child!

Definitely NOT a selfish wanna be adoptive mommy!!

Kate said...

You're not entitled to be a mommy. Your definitely not entitled to be a mommy to somebody else's kid.

You spent your cash on ivf -- save up some more til u can adopt!

Unknown said...

It's not tacky or repulsive if someone is trying to raise money to "expand their family". They are trying to save a child. I don't believe that there is a wrong way to do it! Those that are repulsed by the thought of being asked for money for this action are only thinking selfishly and are not considering how enormous this great decision can have on a child's life. You are thinking only of yourself and this makes me hope that you're not parents yourself! Great parents put their kids first. Who cares if it's tacky to ask for support for adoption, do you think that the child will think it's tacky? No! They will be grateful when they're older that their parents ignored their own feelings of embarrassment while fighting to save a child!

Unknown said...

Really enjoyed reading this article, thanks for sharing! I've also really enjoyed reading Tony Charalambides fundraising blog - you should check it out!

To the ends of the earth said...

Boy, think about how many children past and present that would've never been adopted if it weren't for "fundraising" or asking for support. In fact, I'd venture to say it's at least half.

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