Ethical Adoption -- Poll Results

Very interesting results in the poll on ethical adoption -- thanks to everyone who voted, and a special thanks to all who commented! We had more comments to the ethical adoption post than on any previous blog entry. We also had a grand total of 59 people vote in the three polls.

I deliberately made the poll personal, in the hope of spurring some personal reflection on what would make an adoption ethical. In retrospect, that may have been a miscalculation -- many of the comments tended toward defensiveness, and the voting may have, too. Asking about adoptions-in-general might have allowed for cooler reflection. By making it personal, we may have shed more heat than light on the issues! Still, in the adoption world as in so many other aspects of life, the personal is political. Changes in policy and practice is likely to come about only because of the efforts of those intimately involved in adoption.

Of course, the poll results are not scientifically reliable since the respondents were all self-selecting. And I'd like to think that those who come to this blog might be a bit more savvy on some of these issues than the garden-variety triad member (there's egotism for you!). Still, I think the effort was worth-while and the results illuminating.

First, some combined results.

Approximately 51% of adoptive parents, birth family members and adopted persons combined agreed or strongly agreed that the adoption they were involved in was ethical. About 18% of the three groups combined disagreed or strongly disagreed with the statement that the adoption they were involved in was ethical. That left about 31% who were not sure.

When broken down by group, the results were a little different.

Adoptive parents: 58% agreed or strongly agreed that their adoption was ethical.
Adopted persons: 33% agreed or strongly agreed that their adoption was ethical.
Birth families: 27% agreed or strongly agreed that their adoption was ethical.

Anyone surprised by that breakdown? I pretty much expected that adoptive parents would be more inclined to believe that their adoption was ethical. It may be because adoptive parents are more in control of the adoption process than other members of the triad; that control lets them take steps to ensure the adoption is ethical, and it is likely to make them defensive and avoidant when questions of the ethics of adoption are raised. That control also means that adoptive parents tend to have more information than other members of the triad (click here to read about Suz's and Margie's presentation at the AAC conference about the difference in information and paperwork between a prospective birth mother and a prospective adoptive mother). And because they are the big winners in adoption, adoptive parents would be more likely to have a positive impression of the process, which would naturally extend to the belief that their adoption was ethical.

If anything surprised me in the results, it was the large "Not Sure" number. In aggregate, 30.5% were not sure whether their adoption was ethical. Adopted persons (33%) and birth family members (36%) were a bit more unsure than the adoptive parents (28%).

Wouldn't we all want to be sure that our adoptions were ethical? So why aren't we? Some of the commenters suggest one reason -- in international adoption in particular, it is hard to access the FACTS that would answer the question. Another reason expressed was that we're unsure about the RULES that should govern adoptions to make them ethical. As to facts, we have to rely on agencies. But for the rules, we can formulate on our own the elements that would make an adoption ethical.

If you want to read more about ethical adoption, I'd recommend two sites: PEAR (Parents for Ethical Adoption Reform) and Ethica. You can also find the summary of proceedings from the 1999 Ethics in Adoption Conference sponsored by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (the proceedings of the 2007 conference don't appear to be available) by clicking here.

Ten Commandments of Telling

I promised to expand on some of the lists I posted from the AAC Conference. This one is from Betsie Keefer's presentation about telling even hard truths to adopted children. It's based on her book, Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of the Past.

The book is really good, covering why to tell as well as how to tell. And there's lots more than the Ten Commandments, but that's what the presentation focused on, so I will, too. We've covered many of these before (see here, for instance), but always good to get reinforcement.

I. Do not lie.

This is a no-brainer, right? It's your child's story, and they are entitled to have it told straight. Omissions are OK if developmentally necessary (but see IV), but no lies. Kids have a way of finding out the truth, and then we've broken trust. Betsie said that adopted kids tend to snoop more than non-adopted kids (curiosity about their background), so it's not at all unusual for them to ferret out the truth before they are told.

II. Tell information in an age-appropriate way.

Of course, but HOW?! Betsie gave some examples of telling a child a very hard truth at different ages, building to the whole truth-- that the birth mom was drug-addicted and a prostitute, and the child was removed from her care because she left her alone and neglected her.

Age 3: Your first mommy couldn't take care of you. She wasn't ready to be a mommy.

Age 7: Your birth mommy had trouble taking care of herself. She wasn't able to take care of you. Neighbors were worried about you and called the social worker.

Age10: Your birth mom made a bad decision and started using drugs. She couldn't think well when she was using drugs and made even more bad decisions. Sometimes she left you alone. That wasn't safe for you.

Age 12: Your birth mom felt sick when she couldn't get drugs. She could not hold a job. She needed money, so she sold herself through prostitution. She left you alone when she met customers or bought drugs. Neighbors called the social worker, and a judge agreed you needed a safe home to grow up in.

III. Allow the child to be angry without joining in.

You know how you can diss your brother, but no one else can? Same goes when your child is angry with birth parents. Acknowledge the hurt and anger without bad-mouthing the birth parents.

IV. Share all information by the time the child is 12.

It's important to give the child all the information before the teenage years. That's the key period for identity formation, and they need all available information before that point. And, by the teenage years, kids don't believe a word their parents say! So you better get the information out while they are still listening.

V. Remember the child knows more than you think.

See snooping, above! Not to mention, if anyone in the family knows it, chances are your child has overheard parts of the story and are filling in the blanks on her own. Or someone else -- older siblings, school friends who heard something from their parents -- is telling your child. And they are likely not doing it in a kind and understanding way. Even if they are, the game of "rumour" should remind you how skewed the story will be by the time your child hears it.

Also, your child is probably developmentally ready to hear parts of the story before you think they are. Although parents are experts in their child, their reluctance to share hard truths and desire to protect the child might lead to underestimating their ability to understand.

VI. If information is negative, use a third party professional.

Choose wisely, interview beforehand, and discuss parameters of telling. AND you must stay when the therapist tells, so that you can offer your child's emotional support, so you know the details shared to clarify later anything your child missed or misunderstood, so you can demostrate to your child than even though you know "the worst" about them, you still love them and are there for them.

VII. Use positive adoption language.

It's important to model positive attitudes about adoption, and that starts with language. Your child relies on you to teach them that language, too.

VIII. Don't impose value judgments.

Even horrific information needs to be conveyed in a neutral manner. Conveying negative judgments of birth family or their actions will be seen as a rejection by adopted children -- if you don't like my birth parents, you don't like me.

And what we see as terribly negative information may not be that for the child. Betsie's example was when she was called in by a family to share the fact that their son was conceived as a result of rape. Everyone was surprised that the boy was actually happy to hear it -- he had internalized ideas of his birth mother as promiscuous, and was glad to know it wasn't so.

IX. Initiate conversation about adoption.

Waiting until kids ask questions isn't adequate. Look for opportunities to raise the issue of adoption:

1. Watch movies/programs with adoption themes with your child and draw parallels and contrasts to your child's story; use as a springboard to further discussion;

2. Use key times of the year (birthday, Mother's Day, gotcha day, adoption day) to let your child know that you are thinking about their birth family;

3. Comment on your child's positive characteristics and wonder aloud whether they got that characteristic from birth family members;

4. Include the birth family when congratulating your child for accomplishments -- "I'm sure they would be as proud as we are."

X. The child should be in control of his story outside the family.

Intimate details should only be shared at your child's discretion. Make sure, though, that your child realizes the difference between "private" and "secret." Secrets connote shame, and you don't want your child to think negative facts are shameful.

Another list

2009 Inductees into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

• Jeff Beck
• Little Anthony & the Imperials
• Metallica
• Bobby Womack
• Run-D.M.C.

So why am I telling you this? Yes, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland, and yes, I played hooky from the conference to dash down there this morning -- really cool place. But that's not why I'm telling you.

It's because Darryl McDaniels of Run-D.M.C was the keynote speaker at the conference this evening. Why was a famous rap star a speaker at an adoption conference? He is an adoptee, who first found out he was adopted when he was 35. He now does lots of work with foster kids and works on adoption issues like open records. (If you saw his VH1 documentary, you know all of this, right?)

He was an extraordinary speaker-- really funny-- but his opening act almost upstaged him. The evening entertainment started with performances by a group of foster kids that was really fantastic. They read poems they wrote and danced to rousing cheers of the audience. McDaniels was there, and I can only imagine the thrill it was to perform for him. And when he performed at the end, he invited them all up on stage as back-up dancers and you should have seen those faces shine!

The song he performed with Zara Phillips, I'm Legit, is, believe it or not, about open adoption records. It's good, so click the link! (Really! I don't like rap, either, but I like this. I think you will too!)

Lists. . .

. . . from the various conference presentations. I'm a good student -- I always copy down lists. When the teacher says, "There are THREE things . . . " I know to start scribbling!

I'm too tired to flesh out the lists -- maybe later! Or maybe you can have fun fleshing it out yourself by imagining what each item means. Ok, that's a pretty lame parlor game, and I suspect you'd like to hear some whys and wherefores, so I'll definitely work on it later!

The Seven Core Issues in Adoption-- for adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents alike.
by Sharon Roszia

1. Loss
2. Rejection
3. Guilt/Shame
4. Grief
5. Identity
6. Intimacy & Relationships
7. Control

The 4 As
by Nancy Verrier

1. awareness (be aware of your adoption issues)
2. acknowledgment (acknowledge your adoption issues)
3. authenticity (seek your authentic self)
4. accountability (be accountable, be responsible, for your own feelings in relationships)

Ten Commandments of Telling (hard truths about your child's pre-adoption past)
by Betsy Keefer
(gotta be Roman numerals for this list!)

I. Do not lie.
II. Tell information in an age-appropriate way.
III. Allow the child to be angry without joining in.
IV. Share all information by the time the child is 12.
V. Remember the child knows more than you think.
VI. If information is negative, use a third party professional.
VII. Use positive adoption language.
VIII. Don't impose value judgments.
IX. Initiate conversation about adoption.
X. The child should be in control of his story outside the family.

Three Strikes and It's Closed Adoption
by John Sobraske
(how adoption moved from open to closed over time in history)

Strike 1 -- Cut ties to birth families
Strike 2 -- Secrecy to pass off adopted child as biological child
Strike 3 -- Stigmatize premarital sex

Thoughts on Raising Children From Another Race & Culture
by Margie Perscheid

1. Consider the vantage points.
2. Don't fight reality, face it.
3. Accept the existence of racism and work to end it.
4. "For every excuse (to avoid culture, diversity), there is an equal and opposite action."
5. Be sensitive to the ebb and flow of your child's interest.
6. Forge your own path -- there's no roadmap.
7. Welcome living outside your comfort zone.
8. Make the abstract real: Grab every opportunity to bring your child's community to life in your family and home.

The Conference So Far . . .

. . . has been fabulous! I feel like a bit of a groupie, though, as I'm excited about meeting some of the "names" whose work I've read or viewed. The keynote speaker yesterday morning was Dorothy Roberts, and I've used several of her law review articles in my classes. She's a wonderful writer, and I've been hooked on her since reading her article on prosecution of drug-addicted mothers. She starts with a really powerful illustration of how we divide our concern for the baby from our disdain for the drug-addicted mother: "A former slave named Lizzie Williams recounted the beating of pregnant slave women on a Mississippi cotton plantation: 'I[']s seen n***** women dat was fixin' to be confined do somethin' de white folks didn't like. Dey [the white folks] would dig a hole in de ground just big 'nuff fo' her stomach, make her lie face down an whip her on de back to keep from hurtin' de child.'"

Her talk at the conference was about racial disparities in the foster care system. Black children are 4 times more likely than white children to be placed in foster care, though the figure is higher is some locations. She showed statistics for San Francisco, where black children are 19 times more likely to be removed and placed in foster care. She noted that most services to children, most money spent, is for placing them in foster care, with only a small fraction for services that would improve their situations in their homes. We see parenting as exclusively private, with each family exclusively responsible for their own welfare. So social services are for families who have failed in their child rearing responsibility. That allows the solution to be "blame-the-parents" rather than looking at societal impediments to child rearing – poverty, job discrimination, lack of education, etc., and seeking to alleviate those problems so the conditions that lead to removal don't arise.

The second session I attended was entitled "Identity Paradoxes," and focused on conflicts in adoptees' identity formation. His theme throughout was that we should strive for "both/and" instead of "either/or." Instead of "I'm like my adoptive parents" or "I'm like my birth parents," it becomes "I'm like my adoptive parents in some ways and like my birth parents in some ways." The presenter used very entertaining photos to liven up his points. Not much new there, though.

The third session, entitled "Walking in the Shoes of the Relinquished Child," used experiential exercises to illustrate adopted children's life experiences. When we first started, one of the presenters picked out people to move to a different chair in a different part of the room, leaving all their stuff behind. Takes all of 1 second to see the point of that exercise, right?! In another exercise, we were given little mirrors, asked to look into it and name a feature or personality trait we got from someone else. Then we were asked to turn the mirror over to the blue-painted side. Does anyone not see the symbolism? Adoptees were asked not to participate in this exercise, which I thought was awkward, and then was infuriating when all the non-adopted persons were asked to describe how the blank side of the mirror made us feel, and the adoptees were not allowed to speak to this. So, some interesting exercises that would probably be good for training PAPs, but the presentation ultimately left a sour taste in my mouth.

Fourth, I attended an adoptive parent support group. I was sitting and chatting with "Nancy" before everyone got there, and then when it came to introductions and she said shat she did and that she'd authored two books I realized I was talking to THAT Nancy -- Nancy Verrier of Primal Wound fame! And a nicer, humbler person you'd never meet! I also exchanged blog addresses with another adoptive mom (Hi, Shannon!), and didn't realize until I got back to my room and typed in the address that I'd visited her blog many times before -- Peter's Cross Station.

Most of the adoptive parents attending the support group had older kids, and were disappointed at how little guidance they got about adoption issues at the time they adopted (20 to 30 years ago). Their kids didn't talk about their adoptions, seemed perfectly well-adjusted, and then the teenage years hit and the troubled kid inside came out. One adoptee is currently in prison, another in trouble with the law and in enforced counseling. The parents are here playing catch-up, trying to learn everything they wished they had known 20 years ago. Very sad, and very uplifting to see these adoptive parents are not giving up on their kids. But I'm not sure we're doing any better at training prospective adopters now -- yes, there is TONS of information available, but you have to dig into it on your own, without much guidance from adoption agencies.

Last, but not least, was the evening showing of Adopted. I had a chance to meet Barb Lee, the director, and she gave us a bit of an update on Jennifer, whom she says is doing fine. There's an update on the newer DVDs, but I bought mine early enough not to have that update. It was interesting to watch the film with this audience. When I watched it with my Adoption Law class, that audience didn't understand enough about adoption issues to groan and laugh and commiserate and boo -- THIS audience did! After the showing, several people in the audience said it should be shown to mainstream audiences, and Barb says it's been turned down by everyone -- HBO, PBS, you name it. She said bluntly, "People don't like Jen." That certainly was the reaction of my Adoption Law class, steeped as they are in the adoption myths about being lucky to be adopted, being grateful, etc.

So, that's the conference to date. The mix of attendees is interesting. At the first session, they asked people to stand up in groups -- birth parents, adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals connected to adoption. Birth parents were the largest group, I think, and adoptive parents the smallest.

Adoption Goes to the Movies

Last night, the conference had a session about adoption themes in movies. The presenter, a social worker and adoptive mom, showed clips from both kids movies and adult movies. There were quite a few I hadn’t heard of amongst the adult movies, and can’t wait to catch them. Three that the speaker named as the best adoption movies EVER are: Lovely & Amazing, Second Best, and Secrets & Lies.

The clip from Lovely & Amazing showed the white adoptive mom giving a bath to her African-American daughter, explaining why she (the mom) is having cosmetic surgery to be the best she can be, and the daughter says, I want to tear my skin off.” Seems like an interesting movie to explore transracial adoption. Second Best is about a single adoptive dad whose son is traumatized by having seen his birth mother commit suicide. The speaker described the value of the movie for adoptive parents as “showing an adoptive parent who never gives up on his child.” Secrets & Lies tells the story of a black woman who traces her birth mother and discovers she is white.

The children’s movies she clipped were familiar to all of us, I bet: Stuart Little (trans-species adoption, where the presenter says it shows a family willing to change to fit Stuart’s uniqueness, rather than making him change to fit the family), Dumbo (to show the mouse who took Dumbo to see his caged mom as a “resourceful social worker!”), Tarzan (lovely scene between Tarzan and adoptive mom (gorilla), where she shows him a photo of himself with his birth parents and says “I just want you to be happy;” and when he decides to go find them, Tarzan says, “No matter where I go, You will always be my mother.”), Lilo & Stitch (another unconventional social worker).

Blossoms in the Dust was another title shown, and I was surprised that the audience hadn't heard of it, and didn't know who Edna Gladney was. Maybe it's because I live in Gladney country (Gladney Adoption Agency is based in Fort Worth, but I didn't use them for my adoptions), but I thought everyone in adoption knew of her. The clip shown was of a relinquishing birth father, and he's a complete creep. The presenter noted that there were very few positive images of birth fathers in film, and I sure can't think of any.

She didn't have Hercules included her list of adoption-themed films, so I had to share my take on that one!

There's a lengthier list of movies that I'll try to post when I have more time. Now, most of the movies, included the ones I've posted about here, are not really movies ABOUT adoption -- but there are adoption themes and situations in the midst of movies that tell us something about human relationships. And that's as it should be, right?

Tonight, there will be a showing of a movie ABOUT adoption -- Adopted, The Movie. Though I've seen it already, this time Barb Lee, the filmmaker will be there for discussion afterwards. Should be good!

Brush With Greatness

I've just arrived at the AAC Conference in Cleveland, and I've already met someone "famous" -- Jean Strauss, documentarian! We shared a shuttle van to the hotel.

I posted her short film, Vital Records, back in September. She was pleased to hear that I showed the DVD in my Adoption Law class when we talk about open records. There's going to be a "special premiere screening" of her new documentary, For the Life of Me. Should be interesting!

Fake Birth Certificates

Zoe has a fake birth certificate, issued by the State of Texas, showing that she was born in China on November 6, 2000, to me, her mother.

A complete fake. I don't know what I was doing on November 6, 2000, but I do know where I wasn't -- I wasn't in China giving birth to Zoe.

I have to admit I really hate that document. It makes me feel complicit in how adoption has been practiced -- to create these fake documents to replace real documents, to hide away the real documents, to pretend that the fact of birth to a set of natural parents just didn't happen, to change identity, to erase birth parents, to replace them with another set of parents as if birth and adoption can be equated, as if it doesn't matter who parents a child. [Click here for an overview of sealed original birth certificates of adoptees, and click here if you have time to watch a moving documentary on the subject.]

I know it's not quite the same thing -- after all, Zoe's Chinese birth certificate (such as it is! It's all of 3 lines long and doesn't list birth parents for obvious reasons; heck, since it was created for the purposes of adoption, you might call it a fake, too!) isn't hidden away. We don't pretend the Texas birth certificate is anything other than a fake. But still, it rankles.

I know all the practical reasons to get a state birth certificate -- I teach them in my Adoption Law Class! -- it's convenient for school registration, etc., so that you don't have to explain what the foreign document is and provide a notarized translation; it's easy to replace if lost, unlike the Chinese birth certificate which is irreplaceable; it keeps you from have to produce foreign birth certificate, foreign adoption decree and some American document of name change just to prove you're the parent of your child. But still, it rankles.

It rankles so much that I haven't applied for Maya's Texas birth certificate. I don't want a document that places me in the one place I know I wasn't -- in China, giving birth to Maya, on September 15, 2003. And I just enrolled Maya in kindergarden, using her Chinese birth certificate. The school's reaction? "If you say it's a birth certificate, then we say it's a birth certificate."

Maybe Maya will want one later. I don't know, maybe the practicalities will sway me in time. But for now, it rankles a bit too much.

I'm all for legal documents that tell the truth -- the adoption decrees that announce the sufficient and legal truth that I am Zoe's & Maya's mother, for example. But this legal fiction, that I'm the mother Zoe & Maya were born to, is a ridiculous and unnecessary lie.

As adoptive parents through international adoption, we sometimes think that the way adoption is practiced domestically is not our problem. But do you have a fake birth certificate for your child? If so, maybe it is your problem. And ethical adoption practices are everyone's concern, as Heather at Production, not Reproduction reminds us:

I think framing ethical adoption as a justice issue changes the way we talk about it and expands who can join the conversation. It forces the point that anyone who claims to care about social justice needs to care about the way we practice adoption. We all have a vested interest, even those not directly involved in an adoption. Often ethical adoption--especially open adoption--is approached as a matter of compassion, with the argument that the players involved deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and as little unneccesary pain as possible. Which, yes, absolutely. I am all for compassionate adoption practices. But keeping the conversation at that individual level -- even if it brings about certain needed reforms--doesn't help us address the larger social issues that surround every reliquishment and placement, whether or not we realize it.

Whether we like it or not, the choices we make along the way--especially as adoptive parents--are in some ways political statements. Not blue or red statements, but statements about the definition of family, about the value of single parenting, about the extent to which one's personal moral values should be made universal. It's not that politics should dictate our choices, nor that everyone must make the same choices. It's that we need to see how our individual choices feed into and reflect the larger social landscape. Not everyone who adopts is going to agree with me about that. But I'd argue that once we've put ourselves into the web of interpersonal transactions adoption requires--no matter how many steps removed we may be--we're either reinforcing or challenging the way things are.

I know not everyone will agree, and that's OK! But if that fake birth certificate -- so practical to have -- rankles a little? What can you do? Find out where your state stands on open access to original birth certificates for adult adoptees -- here's a helpful map. Then contact the American Adoption Congress state representative for your area to volunteer in reform efforts. Or get started on your own -- the AAC has some helpful materials here.

And if you have a fake birth certificate for your child? Label it a FAKE, tell your kids it's a fake. It's the same kind of government-authorized fake document almost all adoptees in America get, whether adopted domestically or abroad.

American Adoption Congress Conference

Yippee!!! I'm going to attend the American Adoption Congress national conference in April in exciting Cleveland - I'm so excited! If you don't know much about the American Adoption Conference, here's a snippet from its mission statement:

The AAC believes that all children have the same core of basic needs, and that these needs can be met most easily when children can grow up in the family into which they were born. Every effort should be made to preserve the integrity of this family. When birth families are unable to meet the ongoing needs of children born to them, however, we believe that adoption provides the best alternative—provided the adoptions are humane, honest, and rooted in the understanding that adoption does not erase a child's connections to the family into which they were born. We believe that those who have lived the adoption experience are in the best position to articulate the importance of these conditions and to bring about an adoption system that is based on them.

This fits perfectly into my current research project on openness in international adoption, so this is a work-sponsored trip (double yippee!!!)!

For more about the conference, click here. Anyone else attending?