Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Not My Family
She was speaking jokingly, so I did, too, doing my "you can't get rid of us that easily -- we're a family forever" thing. "No," she replied, "I'm just visiting forever, Mrs. Seymore. I'll come over every day." Come over from where, I ask, half expecting her to say "China." Nope -- "From Zachary's house!" [Zachary is a school friend who lives on our block.]
Then a clear subject change, as Zoe started silly rhymes along with Abby Cadaby. . . .
So I keep reading, keep listening. I DO want to hear what adoptees really think. Even when it hurts. Because my pain pales in comparison with what my daughters feel. And until my kids are old enough to explain, this is how I can know.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
New Chinese Adoptee Blogger
On the last Thursday of every month, at exactly 7:00 P.M., my adoptive mom would get me ready for our OCD meeting. She'd dress me in a red, too-tight, traditional cheongsam, braid my hair into a single, thick braid, and hand me a pair of Chinese slippers.
"You look terrif," she'd say.
"You forgot to bind my feet," I'd tell her with a straight face.
OCD—"Our Chinese Daughters"—was started by one of the area's adoptive mothers in order that we, Asian teenagers with dreams of waking up blond and round-eyed, would instead embrace our own culture. There were six mother–daughter pairs, and we rotated houses. The event was described—someone actually had stationery made up -- as an evening of "lively discourse, lukewarm coffee, and lots 'o' hugs." The hosting couple was expected to do a few things: provide some sort of Far Eastern cuisine, come up with a discussion topic, and run the rest of the family out of the house.
At thirteen, I would have rather stayed home and drank bleach.
Click here to read more. Definitely check her out!
Monday, December 29, 2008
The Swedish Society for International Child Welfare says that many Swedes are hoping that an economic crisis in China will make it easier to adopt Chinese babies.How can you HOPE for more babies to be abandoned? For more families to be torn apart? The effect of the global economic crisis on families and babies in China, in possibly reversing the trend of fewer babies being abandoned, has been one of my biggest WORRIES, and there are PAPs HOPING that "bad times will mean more available babies?!" Arghhhh!
Last year 800 children from outside the Nordic region were adopted into Sweden - but this is the lowest figure in 38 years and the figure for 2008 is expected to be even lower.
Part of the reason is that adoptions from China, which have dominated the statistics in the last ten years, have decreased due to economic growth in China and the rest of Asia.
Now Swedish couples and singles eager to adopt are calling the Swedish Society for International Child Welfare, also known as
Adoptioncentrum and asking whether bad times will mean more available babies.
I know that PAPs can be single-minded in their desire for a child, and I understand where that longing comes from. And I know that it's hard to focus on the best interest of a child who is completely abstract to you. But THIS goes WAAAY over the line into complete insensitivity, into perceived entitlement to scoop up the babies of poor families. ARGHHHH!!!
Favorite Christmas/Hanukah Gifts?
And we had a Holly, Dolly Christmas! Maya got an American Girl Doll -- Just Like You variety, with black hair, and dark eyes. I'd been boycotting American Girl since they didn't have an Asian-American story doll, but they came through with one last year -- Ivy -- and Zoe got her for Christmas last year. (Guess the historical period -- if you know anything about American Girl dolls, you know they come from historical periods, like Addy the freed slave, the 1860s; Kit, girl of the Great Depression, etc. Well, Ivy and her friend Julie come from the distant past -- 1974! Yes, my teenage years are now an HISTORICAL PERIOD!!!!!).
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Maya first decided none of us had almond eyes, and then she decided ALL of us had almond eyes. Finally, she concluded that SHE had almond eyes, but Zoe and I did not. So much for "almond eyes" as a substitute for Asian eyes!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Our First Noelle
Then on Christmas Eve a rep. from my agency tracked me down at my parents' house in Tyler -- I had gotten one of the coveted slots!
So that explains the "Noelle" of the title -- not a gross misspelling, but Maya's middle name! She's the first Noelle in the family, the name a remembrance of a special Christmas. And as we sang "The First Noel" at Mass tonight, Maya Noelle BingLi knew the whole congregation was singing about her, not the baby boy in the manger!
I hope your Christmas makes you feel just as special!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The Egg and I
But why am I telling you this? Well, this is the movie that came to mind when I read this BBC article about a mini-trend (micro-trend?) in China of city-dwellers moving to the country:
It was in December 1978 that former leader Deng Xiaoping declared the country would not just tolerate private enterprise but encourage it. Since then, of course, much of the country has been transformed. Millions of people have moved from the countryside to the cities in search of a better life.Of course, as the article notes, these new rural-dwellers have made enough money in Shanghai's rat race to leave it. That's not something many Chinese city-dwellers can manage. Still, an interesting twist on modern life in China. And I think it was the needing-neighbors-to-help-plant-the-vegetable-garden part that made me think of the Egg and I.
And after three decades of extraordinary economic growth, there are growing numbers of middle class Chinese with good jobs who are well-off relative to the rest of the population. Now some of those who moved to cities like Shanghai for good wages in white collar jobs are starting to tire of the rat race, and in a reversal of past patterns of movement are abandoning the urban sprawl for a quieter life in the country.
Gao Hong and Yang Xiaoling, two advertising executives in their mid-thirties, decided a year ago to give up their lucrative careers to move to a quiet house in the country, eight hours drive from Shanghai in Jiangsi province. They took a 40-year lease on an old house which Yang Xiaoling came across during a business trip.
* * *
The couple admit that it has not all been as easy and straightforward as they would have liked. Their neighbours had to help them establish their vegetable garden because they did not really know what they were doing. They have grown enough to eat, but nowhere near enough to sell to others.
Despite a lack of village facilities, the couple have no regrets. There are rats to deal with and the roof leaks. But they say that compared with the difficulties they faced trying to get used to urban life, these problems are not that significant.
* * *
"We have lived here for more than a year, and never for a moment have we thought, this is too bad, we have got to get back to Shanghai," Gao Hong laughed.
Leaving the front door wide open, the couple go for a stroll around the village. Facilities are very basic. Some of their neighbours are washing their clothes in the stream by hand. It is like going back 50 or 60 years. But the couple are happy. "The dogs don't bark at us now," they said. "They always bark at strangers, so we know we belong."
My China Workbook
Before you were born, you grew in a special place inside a Chinese woman's
tummy. That person is your birthmother.
She was pregnant with you for 9 months before you came into the world. That means you ate the same food she ate. You could even hear the same sounds.
It could be that some of your favorite foods started before you were even born. What are your favorite foods?
1. Since you were born in China and are Chinese, we know that your birth mother didn't have red or blonde curly hair, right?
2. Bet she didn't have blue eyes either.
O.K., so we can figure out some parts of her looks such as brown eyes and black/brown straight hair. You got those from your biological family.
Look in the mirror.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Christmas in China
Ten years later, the Christian Science Monitor reported on the growing popularity of Christmas in China:
Somewhere on the journey to becoming the world's biggest exporter of Christmas toys, China started importing yule for itself. Christmas wreaths and lighted trees, white-foam snowmen and special dinners, as well as an ethos of "jingle-bell cool" are wafting in on the wings of global culture, bringing a holiday atmosphere to Beijing, Shanghai, and Guangzhou.
At a Beijing noodle shop bedecked with silver and gold plastic bells, cook Yin Li pauses over a beef stew when asked if all the decorations seem like a foreign cultural
invasion. "Honestly, no," she says. "I like it. It makes everything feel more like a holiday." Throughout Asia, in fact, Western holidays have become chic, both for their commercial potential and because new generations think the act of decorating and celebrating is fun and different. Not only Christmas, but Valentine's Day, Father's Day and Mother's Day, Thanksgiving and Halloween, are finding a Pacific niche - where five years ago there was none.
"There's an appropriation and modification of Western holidays, with a commercial twist, in Asia," says Mark Mullins, a professor of religion and Japanese society at Sophia University in Tokyo. "Each year it increases ... whether or not people are
interested in faith."
And an expat English teacher reports this month about Christmas in China:
“Christmas is about giving gifts,” a student answered recently when I asked about the significance of this holiday in China. “It’s a day to spend time with friends and play,” another student answered. Still, many of my friends and students are vaguely familiar with the story of Christmas. . . . My students also tell me that Christmas is a holiday for the younger generation. “Our parents don’t know anything about Christmas,” explained a student to me today. Her parents probably grew up in a time when celebrating or even acknowledging Christmas in China was frowned upon by the Chinese government. These days, Beijing has no problem with the celebration of Christmas so long as it is devoid of religion and promotes social harmony.
Just a few years ago in China, I had to find my way to the back corner of a local market place to buy a fake Christmas tree and decorations. Now it seems that the
big supermarkets in China offer a large variety of Christmas items for very reasonable prices. It is also easier than ever to ‘catch’ the Christmas spirit in China, as stores - both large and small -play familiar Christmas tunes for their customers. Hearing the words ‘Ding, Ding, Dong’ instead of the words ‘Jingle Bells’ may be a bit strange at first, but it least it sounds like the same song. Many stores also feature their own beautifully decorated Christmas trees as well as special holiday season discounts which help foreigners like me to feel much more at home.
When we arrived in Xiamen in February 2007, we saw some remnants of Christmas, including Santa decorations in the lobby of our guest house -- though that was probably for the benefit of the foreigners staying there. There were, however, still Christmas decorations and Christmas cards for sale at many of the stores we frequented. It was all completely overwhelmed by the left-over decorations for Chinese New Year (Year of the Pig!). And Easter decorations were impossible to come by in Xiamen.
So these days in China, celebrating Western holidays is very much "in," with Christmas probably the most popular. Yes, Chen Xing, there is a Santa Claus!
Update: China Daily published an article on Christmas day titled, Santas Sprout Up to Spread Spirit of Season. Interesting picture of a Santa's life in China.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Big Brother Binky
BeachAudio.com -- $8.99
Overstock.com -- $10.43
ToysRUs.com -- $10.99
Amazon.com -- $11.49
ShopPBS.org -- $12.99
You can also rent it on NetFlix.
I'm glad so many people are interested in the DVD, but I think part of what my girls thought was so cool was that they saw it on "regular TV!" Amazing how powerful it is to see their story mainstreamed. Your local PBS station website should be able to give the schedule.
BTW, I can't vouch for any of the sources I've listed above (I've bought from Overstock, Amazon & PBS before with good success, but don't know about the others). And check out the shipping, not just the price of the DVD!
Wendy asks how xie-xie should be pronounced, if shay-shay is wrong. Well, I'm certainly not an expert, but the key, I think, is to see each "shay" as a two-syllable word. Each of the two syllables are said fast together, like "she-ey she-ey."
Anyone have a better explanation of how to say it?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Speaking of PBS . . .
Lo and behold! The episode was:
Arthur #1110The girls loved it, and international sophisticates that they are laughed as everyone said "shay-shay" (thank you in Chinese (xie xie)), a gross mispronunciation to them! They are definitely finding validation for their stories by seeing Chinese ballerinas and familiar characters talking about adoption.
"Big Brother Binky", Parts I&II
In this special two-part episode, Binky's family adopts a baby girl from China. Binky receives the news of getting a baby sister with great excitement, and he delights in helping prepare for her arrival and visiting China. Although at times Binky worries about how his life will change, and more importantly, whether his new sister will even like him! - Binky becomes the proudest big brother in Elwood City.
Three Stories: Russia, Ukraine, U.S.
Russia (thanks to Harlow's Monkey and Third Mom for the link) --
A decade ago, authorities in the provincial town of Chelyabinsk were desperate to find homes for the growing number of abandoned children. But for Nadezhda Gertman, the head of child welfare, foreign adoption is no longer the answer. When she talks about sending children out of the country, her voice breaks up.
"I was on a plane to Moscow. There was a foreign couple who had just adopted a child," Gertman says. "I had the feeling they were taking away my child. I told my staff we will only give them away after we have done everything possible to find Russian parents for them or if their medical problems are such we can't handle them here."
U.S. -- Buried in the midst of a happy story about 11 children adopted from foster care, Human Services Manager Pravin Patel says: "There is a recent trend to adopt children from within the United States. The weakened economy has potential parents looking closer to home for children instead of going overseas to places like China, Patel said."
So in other countries, there are moral, cultural, ethical, political reasons for an increase in domestic adoption. In the U.S., it's because the economy has tanked?!
One other "tanking economy" point I've been worried about -- one of the reasons abandonments have decreased in China is the improved economic status of Chinese families. I'm worried that with the global economy tanking there will be an upswing in abandonments in China. So here's another plug for Love Without Boundaries Unity Fund, which aims to fund medical care for children who might otherwise be abandoned because poor families hope orphanages can provide that needed care. So, here's a fund who's aim is to keep Chinese families together. Please consider putting them on your list for holiday giving!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Transracial Adoption: It Will Change Your Family Forever
Many white pre-adoptive parents believe that they are ready to adopt transracially because they are at ease with people of color. But we must look at life through the children’s eyes. They will be living in a society that is not yet fully comfortable with race nor color blind. People who are black, Latino, or Asian already know this—it’s in the air we all breathe, although the whites among us are often unaware.
Peggy McIntosh, in her article “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack,” says that whites are taught not to recognize their power and privilege. She says, “I have come to see white privilege as an invisible weightless knapsack of special provisions, maps, passports, codebooks, visas, clothes, tools and blank checks.” Her article, written in 1989, still resonates today. If you are white you need to recognize that your child of color will not come equipped with this knapsack of privilege.
The article is addressed to prospective adoptive parents, but has great advice for all of us. And good news -- it says this article is the first in a series.
It was in 1977 that Park Yung Min was found in a cardboard box, standing in front of the city hall of Daegu, South Korea. Terre des Hommes brought the infant to Germany where a family adopted her and expanded name to Miriam Yung Min Stein. The practice of international adoption of children, although common until today, has long been a taboo in Korea. For some years, however, stories of Korean adoptees that were brought to Europe and America and, having grown up, struggle with their "hybrid identity," regularly pop up in newspapers and on the Internet -- there is even a TV show that reunites Korea's "lost children" with their biological parents.
Miriam Yung Min Stein chose another way to deal with her unknown provenance: Using a wired glove to pile up pictures on a screen she presents her research live on stage. "Black Tie," thus the title of the stunning performance lecture, premiered last week at the Berlin theater "Hebbel am Ufer." The evening was very informative, yet deeply touching and at the same time critical towards "easy solutions" like the aforementioned TV reunions.
"Some children come from the belly and some come with the airplane," Stein's adoptive mother once said to her. The feeling of being different accompanied her since early childhood. Browsing through family photos that show the little "Asian" girl between her blond siblings and adoption forms that describe her character as a one-year-old, she vividly remembers an evening at a Chinese restaurant, where "everybody was trying so hard to pretend they like it."
To attain clarity about her past, Stein takes various courses: First, she inscribes her personal story in the history of modern Korea. Her adoption is the last link in a chain of events that includes Japanese colonisation, the Korean War, Harry Holt, who organized the first adoptions of South Korean war orphans, and the dictatorial Park Chung-hee regime during which thousands of homeless babies were sent abroad.
She also imagines an alternative biography that later turns out to belong to her friend Hye-Jin Choi, who appears on stage as a counterpart to the restless Miriam. Choi came to Germany eight years ago to finish her studies. She is working in politics now and has a picture of her family hanging on the wall. She tries to teach Korean to her friend and puts some of her rather stereotypical views on Korea into perspective.
* * *
After her return to Germany [from visiting Korea], she approached her roots by means that appear less random at first sight: She ordered personal DNA analysis from biotech companies in California and Iceland to find out more about the traits her parents passed onto her. But the results are scarce -- besides the fact that she is not genetically related to Bono, Stein learned about a slight risk of prostate cancer as wells as Alzheimer's disease.
In the end, the "black ties" that link Miriam Yung Min Stein to her origin remain in the dark. In the theater, however, the lights turned bright after her last words on memory loss and shyly she accepted much applause from the sold out auditorium.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Debunking Model Minority Myths
American popular culture is full of claims that Asian American and Pacific Islander students are overrunning college campuses with high enrollment. Asian American and Pacific Islander students are perceived to be so ubiquitous in higher education that regrettable quips like “UCLA really stands for ‘United Caucasians Lost Among Asians’” and “MIT means ‘Made in Taiwan’” are all-too familiar in higher education circles, slighting both the institutions and the students that attend them. Others characterize Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders as the “alien student invaders,” as suggested by the title of an article in UC Berkeley’s alumni association magazine, California, “Facing the Asian Invasion.” Indeed, the “Too Many? Not Enough?” graphic was the feature of a 2007 New York Times “Education Life”supplement titled: “The Asian Campus: At 41 percent Asian, Berkeley could be the new face of merit-based admissions. The problem for everybody else: lots less room at elite
Such impressions exaggerate the presence of Asian American and Pacific Islander participation in U.S. higher education.
In addition to addressing myths about AAPI students "taking over" higher education, the report debunks the myth that AAPI students only pursue degrees in science, technology, engineering, and math. While there are a number of AAPIs who do pursue these fields, trends also show that a large proportion of AAPI students obtain degrees in the social sciences and the humanities.
American RadioWorks Documentary About International Adoption
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Triggers for Thoughts of Birth Parents?
Birthdays and Gotcha Days have been triggers for my girls (no surprise!), as have adoption books and movies. As I've posted before, my dad (their grandfather) going into the hospital was a huge trigger for Zoe.
Friday evening, Zoe asked to see her lifebook (she always asks, even though it is on a low shelf where she can get to it any time). She paged through it a little bit, and then wanted to talk about where her birth parents might live, and asked her usual question about why her birth parents couldn't keep her. She "knows" the answers in her head, but it doesn't yet penetrate to her heart.
Well, my dad ended up back in the hospital for another angioplasty this week, and we visited him on Friday afternoon (he's doing fine, and is home as I write this -- it seems the doctors knew there was another blockage that they never bothered to mention; they considered it borderline so didn't address it since he has a myriad of other health problems that motivated them to keep the procedure as brief as possible. When he had chest pains again, they decided they had to deal with it).
Genius that I am, I figured this is what was triggering Zoe's thoughts. I wondered if she was able to make the connection, that worrying about Grandpa's health made her think about her abandonment. So after we talked about her birth parents for a while, I asked her what it was that made her think about them today. Her answer, "I don't know." I prodded gently, trying to see if she saw the connection, but "I don't know" was still the answer, and that was that.
The next morning, Zoe came back to it on her own: "Mama, I do know why I was thinking about my birth parents yesterday. I did so good in the ballet that I wished they could see me. Do you think they'd be proud of me like you are?" Oh, yes, I think they would be!
Interesting -- I hadn't expected that to be a trigger, but I can see why it would be. And I can see the connection between the "why didn't they keep me" question and the "would they be proud of me" question. No matter how often I tell her that it didn't have anything to do with her -- she wasn't bad, she didn't do anything wrong -- I think there remains that seed of doubt. There must have been something unworthy in her -- if only they'd known she'd be such a good dancer things might have been different.
So have you been surprised by some of the things triggering your kids' thoughts of first families, China, abandonment, etc.?
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Do you really want to be an adoptive parent?
When you say...
Wish I'd said it!
- you don't think you should have to deal with birth parents after the adoption is done;
- you're sometimes grateful your child was abandoned with no information, because that way it's like his history starts with you;
- you don't believe in openness because it is uncomfortable;
- that birth parents should be able move on with their lives, knowing that their child is loved and safe with you;
- that speaking ill of your daughter's first parents has no effect on her, since they're not her family anymore;
- you know your child is fine with her adoption because she never brings it up;
- you never talk about adoption in your family because it's an event that's done and in the past...
what I hear is that you became a parent through adoption, but you don't really want to be an adoptive parent.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Mama Bragging Rights!
I sat in the audience for parts of today's performance and managed to get a couple of pictures -- bad ones, but better than nothing! (Can't use flash photography, throws the dancers off when they're trying to pirouette!). As you can see above, Zoe is a shepherd in O Holy Night. Look below to see Maya as a Frosty girl in Memories of Frosty.
At one point, Margo (who is in her 70s) came to sit in the audience to check how it looked, and it tickled me a little, because her son was dancing right then -- her late-40s son! I wondered if her heart stilled swelled with pride when she saw him dance, like mine does when my babies dance!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
A fellow traveler lost and found!
Adopting from China seemed the perfect solution to our desire for a family. I longed for daughters, and 95 percent of the babies in Chinese orphanages were girls. While I never wanted my daughters to feel grateful for being "rescued" by us, I did feel that a family is a better place for a child than an orphanage. I still feel that way. But as I leaned my forehead against the cold glass of the plane's window and watched China disappear, I cried a little for the giggling baby who was leaving her homeland for a new life across the world. She needs a family, and we love her. Why am I crying? I thought.
Once home, I was intoxicated by the rush of finally being a mommy and the entrancing little girl who was now my daughter. I was the forever mother. It was a while before I continued the thoughts I'd had on the plane. More and more, I began to think about what my girls left behind when they became our daughters.
As they say, read the whole thing!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The nature and quality of love in adoptive families
1) “Do you think an adopted child can love the adoptive mom like a biological child can?”
2) “If you had known then what you know now about pain, loss, primal wound, ‘angry’ adoptees, yearning for birth parents, etc., would you have adopted?”
I’ll address the first question now, and blog about the second one later. These are tough questions, and I guess I’m still brooding because I don’t think I did a very good job of answering them in talking to my friend. I’d really appreciate comments, since she reads the blog, and y’all are bound to do a better job than I did!
That first question is a real turn-around of the question I’m more accustomed to hear people ask -- whether PARENTS can love an adopted child as much as/the same way as a biological child. But can an adopted child feel the same love for the mother as a biological child can? Ah, those metaphysical questions about the nature and quality of love!
First of all, I want to clarify the question my friend asked. She was NOT asking whether an adopted child can love the adoptive parents like she loves her biological parents. That’s not the comparison she was seeking to explore, because while a child might love birth parents she doesn’t know, hasn’t met, hasn’t lived with, doesn’t have a history with, that’s very different from the relationship of biological children who live for a lifetime with biological parents. She was making another comparison – let’s suppose a 5-year-old who has lived for the past 5 years with the mother who gave her birth, and another 5-year-old who has lived for the past 5 years with an adoptive mom who did not give birth to her. Is the love the same?
My friend has been reading Nancy Verrier’s Primal Wound, a notoriously difficult read for adoptive parents. Verrier talks about the bond between mother and child, built in the womb, as “primal, mystical, mysterious, and everlasting.” And she argues that breaking this bond is the source of the primal wound. From this she argues that the adoptive mom and adoptive child can never have this magical, mystical bond (of course not, as a definitional matter, if you define the bond as something that starts in utero!).
Verrier writes: “I don’t believe it is possible to sever the tie with the biological mother and replace her with another primary caregiver, no matter how warm, caring, and motivated she may be, without psychological consequences for the child (and the mother). An infant or child can certainly attach to another caregiver, but the quality of that attachment may be different from that with the first mother, and bonding may be difficult or, as many adoptees have told me, impossible.” She goes on to say, “I believe it would be safe to say that most adopted children form attachments to their adoptive mothers. . . . Bonding, on the other hand, may not be so easily achieved. It implies a profound connection, which is experienced at all levels of human awareness.” At a later point, in summarizing her conclusions, Verrier warns, “We know that love is good for children, but in the case of adopted children, parents need to be realistic in their expectations of the adoptee’s ability to accept love freely or to return it.”
Is it any wonder that my friend asked whether there can be the same love between adoptive parents and the child they raise as there is between biological parents and the child they raise?
I think there’s a lot of value in Verrier’s book. But I think she isn’t terribly nuanced. She advances her premise as if it affects ALL adoptees in the same way and to the most EXTREME degree possible. I don’t think I’m in adoptive-parent-denial to say that different adoptees feel the loss of their birth parents in different ways! And while there might well be a “primal wound,” not all wounds are mortal as she might be read to suggest.
I know that the pain and loss and yearning exist and are real – I’ve seen Zoe experiencing it. I don’t know if it’s a “memory” of her abandonment at one day old, or a growing realization of her abandonment as she understands that she had to lose her first family to gain her current family. I’m also not sure whether it matters, so long as I acknowledge the loss as she experiences it.
And I believe that my kids love me, just like I love them. I don’t know if it’s the same or different from the love that starts with a biological link, but I know it is love and it’s enough. I think love is not a biological imperative, but a mutual, reciprocal process of giving and receiving care. Maybe the analogy is to an arranged marriage – you grow into love rather than fall into love?
Even Verrier isn’t quite as hopeless as it might first seem. In the preface, she talks about her adopted daughter and their relationship. She concludes, “Are we bonded? I don’t think that I would be able to write this work if we were not.” So she acknowledges the existence of that primal, mystical, mysterious, and everlasting bond between mother and child in her relationship, while also acknowledging that she can never take the place of her daughter’s birth mother.
I’ve never wanted to “take the place of” my children’s birth mothers. We each have a place in their lives, and those places needn’t be the same. I wouldn’t want to erase the bond they have with their birth mothers – why would I? I have the better part of the deal, since I get to see them every day, watch them grow and develop, enjoy their hugs and kisses, and listen to their “I love you’s.”
So how do you answer the the question? Can an adopted child love the adoptive mom like a biological child can?
Monday, December 8, 2008
"Fake" adoptions so Korean kids can attend American school
An increasing number of Korean parents have their children adopted by Americans working for the U.S. military to enroll them at American schools on army bases, according to parents and school staff. They say the number of adopted Korean students has recently risen at the Seoul American High School (SAHS), a Department of Defense (DoD) Dependent School at Yongsan Army Garrison in Seoul. "Recently, I saw a sharp rise in the number of adopted Korean students coming to this school. Korean people are very clever, so they do whatever is necessary for the education of their children,'' said a 40-year-old mother of two children in the 9th and 10th grades at the school. "If you visit immigration agencies in Itaewon, you can find many Koreans trying to have their children adopted by foreigners for education,'' added the woman, who declined to be named. The school's students and teachers also admitted to the rise in the number of adopted students.
* * *
Some immigration agents in Itaewon work as brokers between Korean parents and Americans.An immigration agent who has worked in the business since 1974 said many Koreans who have foreign relatives usually have their children adopted by uncles and aunts who hold foreign passports.``More than 90 percent of my customers wish to send their children to English-speaking schools. I handle three to nine cases per month,'' the agent said. He says he charges some two million won per case as commission.
He said fees parents pay to guardians differ widely. ``When not related to the guardian, the fee depends on how much the guardian requests. Usually, you need to pay step by step when you obtain either U.S. residency or citizenship.'' He said it could easily exceed 200 million won ($150,000).
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Book Review: A Dragon's Tale
Review by Maya
What this book is about: The book has stories about all the animals in the Chinese Zodiac. I'm a sheep, but the book calls it a goat. Zoe's a dragon. Mama's a rat.
What I liked about the book: I liked the stories about my animal and Mama's animal and Zoe's animal.
What I didn't like about the book: I didn't like the part where the frog was stuck in the well [The frog thinks his world is perfect, because he's only seen the small fraction visible from the well]. And there are too many stories, it got boring!
What I learned/How it helped me: I liked learning about all the animals in the Zodiac.
[Grown-up note: I'd suggest reading only a few stories at a time for the younger crowd. And I did some paraphrasing/shortcutting to keep Maya's interest even that long! She did like flipping through the book and looking at the pictures and just finding out about the 12 animals of the Chinese Zodiac.]
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Share YOUR adoption talks, please!
It was on her birthday (turning 8). One of her friends is adopted from Korea, and has information about her birth parents. She told me it “isn’t fair” that her friend knows who her birth parents are and she doesn’t have the same information. I sympathized, and we talked about why it is hard to have that information from China. I told her a little about Lydia’s situation, and how they found her birth family. She asked if we could put her picture in the paper in China and try to find her birth parents because she wants to meet them. Isn’t that AMAZING? She hasn’t talked so openly with me about her birth parents before.Again, it seems that a birthday served as a catalyst for thinking about/talking about birth parents. And Lydia’s story opens up possibilities that allow an 8-year-old to express her wish to meet her birth parents.
Email me your stories – I’m happy to post anonymously, or give credit, as you desire.
Thanks in advance!
Friday, December 5, 2008
But I was especially tickled to hear her teacher's description of Maya making Playdough dumplings. Maya explained to her that she made REAL dumplings at her kindergarten in China -- how remarkable that she remembered. Ms. Christie described Maya working intently to make small balls to put inside the Playdough "crust," and then carefully crimping the edges together for her crescent-shaped dumplings. Amazing!
I guess we'll have to take a stab at making REAL dumplings -- maybe over Christmas break.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Adopted: The Movie Now Available!
You can purchase it at this website. I can't wait to see the whole thing!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Wish List: Adoption and Chinese Books
The other night Zoe picked an adoption book for us to read for bedtime stories, and I teased her, saying, "Do we HAVE to read adoption books all the time?!" Her ready reply, "Mo-om (yes, the two-syllable Mom we're all so familiar with!), you KNOW how much these books help me!"
She cracks me up! Yes, I know how much these books help, but I wasn't quite aware that SHE knew. Of course, writing book reviews that include a "What I learned/How it helped" category probably has something to do with it!
So now I need a wish list -- what are your favorite children's books about adoption? I'd be especially interested in those published in the last few years, and those for the 9-12 age group.
German Priest Finds Live Baby in Manger
The article goes on to say that the priest told a local newspaper that the church hopes to gather donations to help the woman care for her son, whom she has named Christian.
BERLIN - A baby boy whose troubled mother laid him in the manger of a church
nativity in hopes that someone would find and care for him is doing well, police say.
Authorities in Augsburg said a priest was startled to find the newborn in the nativity scene on the altar of the Peter and Paul Church in the village of Poettmes on Tuesday. He immediately called an ambulance.
Police have found the 38-year-old mother. She said she gave up the child because she was in a "difficult personal situation," but hoped someone would quickly find the child and care for him.
Monday, December 1, 2008
English Language Acquisition in Children Adopted From China
Too cool! We'll happily participate -- it will be interesting to see the results in the near future.
Another Adoption Corruption Story -- Vietnam
According to Thanh Nien sources, some net-works are selling babies to China through the border near Mong Cai Town in Quang Ninh Province.
After three baby traffickers were seized by Hanoi police on Monday while transporting two babies and a pregnant woman to a northern province bordering China, another suspect was arrested on Tuesday, announced senior Lieutenant-Colonel Nguyen Manh Hung.
One of the detainees, 27-yearold Trinh Thi Nga, admitted guilt in receiving VND3 million by the leaders of a network to transport and sell babies at the border.
These networks usually approach young girls, mostly residing in the provinces of Ha Tay, Hoa Binh, Bac Lieu and Ho Chi Minh City, and offer to purchase babies at prices ranging from VND8 million to VND15 million.Babies can be sold in China at a price of VND15 million per female baby, and between VND25 million to VND30 million per male baby, reported Thanh Nien sources.