This Adoptive Mother Does Not Speak For Me

Adoptive mother Heidi Hess Saxton responds at one of her blogs to comments from adult adoptees at another one of her blogs, and then closes comments, saying, "Again, I'm not looking for a discussion here. Frankly, I've heard enough." Isn't that special?! Since I can't comment at her blog, I thought I'd comment here.

Here's an excerpt from her response to adult adoptees:

You call us "infertiles" (hoping to pick a fight, I guess) or simply "selfish people," because we consider ourselves our child's real family after spending 18-22 years of our lives raising him or her. You minimize and even mock the sacrifice, the struggle, and the fears -- and have not a single ounce of the compassion for those who feel genuine pain over their grown child's choice to "find himself" in another family. And then you wonder why we tune you out, like a mother who ignores a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.

In your single-minded quest for what you "lost," you completely disregard what you were spared -- the neglect, the abuse, the untimely death. Now that the danger is past, that's easily done. But we remember where you came from. It's part of your
story . . . and in a real sense, part of ours as well. Because we are your parents, who labored for you in ways you can never begin to understand.

So you'll have to make allowances if at times we seem to have more concern for your first parents than you think is right, or if we have little patience for your whining about what cannot be undone. You'll have to realize that yes, we are GLAD, things turned out as they did . . . because we love you and cannot imagine what our lives would have been like had you never been a part of them.

It's not so hard for us to imagine why someone brave enough to choose adoption would object to an untimely reminder of their past (even if they are happy to hear the child himself is well) after having kept it a secret for decades, often due to the circumstances that led to the adoption in the first place. We respect that original sacrifice, and agree that parent should have the option to be left alone, and not have to explain themselves or their decisions to individuals decades removed from the situation. It was hard enough the first time. (If the first parents want contact, that's a different matter. No less painful, but different.)

I especially like the internal inconsistencies in this post -- here's my favorite:

"you completely disregard what you were spared -- the neglect, the abuse, the untimely death"

. . . juxtaposed with. . .

"So you'll have to make allowances if at times we seem to have more concern for your first parents than you think is right"

Riighhttt. We care about your birth parents -- despite the fact that if you'd stayed with them they would have neglected, abused and killed you. WTF?! And all that faux sympathy for birth parents who must want their secrets to remain secrets, as an excuse for closed records. She isn't really sympathetic; after all she's "GLAD, things turned out as they did." Nothing like being glad your child suffered loss and grief, and claim that is love. And nothing like claiming concern for birth mothers when you're GLAD things turned out as they did -- loss and pain and grief for birth mothers, too.

This adoptive mom wants sympathy for "those who feel genuine pain over their grown child's choice to 'find himself' in another family." And then she claims that her position that original birth certificates and adoption records be sealed is because of her concern for birth parents. Sounds to me that she wants the records sealed so adoptive parents won't have to deal with their chidlren searching and finding birth parents.

THIS ADOPTIVE MOTHER DOES NOT SPEAK FOR ME.

SHE DOES NOT SPEAK FOR MANY ADOPTIVE PARENTS I KNOW.

Yes, I'm my daughters' "real mother." But I'm not their only real mother. Their birth mothers are real mothers, too. I don't consider adult adoptees whiners or tantruming toddlers who should be ignored -- I have learned so much from them that will help me be a better parent to my children. I support full access to original birth certificates and adoption records. I find it completely natural that an adopted person would want to know her birth parents. Of course an adopted person might need to "find himself" in another family -- that family is part of him, his roots, his DNA. The data support this -- in the Donaldson report on adult adoptees, white adoptees rated contact with birth relatives as THE MOST IMPORTANT factor in forming a positive adoptive identity. Not surprising, then, that a whopping 86% had taken steps to find birth family. I will do everything I can to support my children if they want to search for birth parents. In fact, I've already taken steps to search. I'm not saying these things to toot my own horn; I know TONS of adoptive parents who feel the same way. Some of them are listed in my blog roll, and comment here.

Unfortunately, I'm sure there are adoptive parents who agree with every word this adoptive mother has written. I ran across the link to the blog because another adoptive parent on Twitter posted it saying, "After reading too much from the anti-adoption side, finding this is nice. God bless eloquence." Sigh. But I firmly believe this out-moded thinking is changing. For the sake of adopted children, I certainly hope so.