tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post6456218106053924281..comments2024-02-27T00:41:15.985-06:00Comments on AdoptionTalk: Planting Seedsmalindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-42563678447837597452014-03-19T10:41:13.303-05:002014-03-19T10:41:13.303-05:00Im a 43 year old adoptee that was in a closed adop...Im a 43 year old adoptee that was in a closed adoption. They told me when i was 5 - i dont remember my mom saying anything or being there and already I knew she could not handle my pain or questions and her pain and never talked about it. They felt it was pretty good tgey at least told me because not all adoptees were told. I buried any feelings fir many many years until this past year i finally felt free to even love my first mom- but my amom still is closed about it and unaffirming of my loss because it hurts her too much and she thought she would have made enough of a difference i guess to make up for my loss. I dont expect her to be there for me emotionally anymore but that is what has damaged our relationship completely. Feeling very alone and grieving for this mixed blessing of "adoption" i am getting ready to send my first mom her first contact from me- it is not easy!!! So painful for the three of us- not sure it will be worth it!!? But need to try. :) Adult adopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07223505484968528659noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-89213606754056680372009-07-21T03:07:59.305-05:002009-07-21T03:07:59.305-05:00By the way - Hi Mei-Ling! I hope you are doing we...By the way - Hi Mei-Ling! I hope you are doing well and am happy for you that you were able to travel to meet your parents. Even though I know in alot of ways for you it is bittersweet, all the best wishes to you and your family.Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-20282826369116130682009-07-20T04:22:16.984-05:002009-07-20T04:22:16.984-05:00"Also, If we live, breathe, think adoption 24..."Also, If we live, breathe, think adoption 24/7 then our children will believe we perceive them to be nothing else than "our adopted child."<br /><br />I think the idea being conveyed in this post is not about reminding the chldren that they were adopted all the time - it's acknowledging their very different beginnings and recognizing that birth and adoption are indeed not the same.<br /><br />In response to Lorraine Dusky's comment, I'll say something rather interesting. My parents always made it quite clear that I was allowed and encouraged to ask whichever questions I desired. If they felt hurt or stung whenever I talked about "that other woman who gave birth to me", they didn't show it whenever I brought the topic up.<br /><br />That said, I still remained silent and didn't persist on asking a whole lot because of the fear that I was being "disloyal."<br /><br />You might be surprised at just how deep that fear can silence little ones.Mei-Linghttp://littlewing04.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-14722873408229219792009-07-16T14:13:42.207-05:002009-07-16T14:13:42.207-05:00I've said "I don't want to plant idea...I've said "I don't want to plant ideas in her head" before. <br /><br /> I've grown! (No pun intended.) I now agree that SHOULD and do plant and describe our own values and beliefs system for our children all the while allowing them to make up their minds what "they" think is correct. <br /><br />HAVING SAID THAT - I am 100% in agreement with what wblossom said:<br /><br /> "I think the timing and the amount of information is really dependant on the emotional readiness of the child." We have to know what concepts our child can relate to at her level of development. For example, a 4 year old is NOT going to "get" the OCP and issues on abandonment like an 8 year old would. <br /><br />Also, If we live, breathe, think adoption 24/7 then our children will believe we perceive them to be nothing else than "our adopted child." Let them speak openly, you speak openly and the conversation flows naturally.<br /><br />Go ahead - flog me! I am used to being misheard on here.Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-62405853958533996792009-07-16T13:27:50.763-05:002009-07-16T13:27:50.763-05:00Hi, again, it's gratifying to read these comme...Hi, again, it's gratifying to read these comments--because I know there are so many adoptive families who still think and act differently.<br />loLorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-30631690489622376002009-07-16T13:11:17.894-05:002009-07-16T13:11:17.894-05:00I agree with you. I have been told by a-moms in my...I agree with you. I have been told by a-moms in my little "group" around here that G is too young to be talking and thinking about adoption. Umm, nope she isn't. I would rather talk to her than have her come up with it all by herself or from other "well meaning/intentioned" people which could mean strange or hurtful ideas to G. And I am not waiting for her to ask, I drop things when looking at pics or reading books about adoption so she will know if she has a thought or question we can flush it out together on her time. She isn't going to go through this alone, though I know it is a journey she may have to do alone. I am her support system for her journey through her adoption story.RamblingMotherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04148625565336724234noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-89509130780189695312009-07-16T09:36:26.393-05:002009-07-16T09:36:26.393-05:00I think adoption talk is very similar to the "...I think adoption talk is very similar to the "birds and the bees" talk that all families have to deal with. You walk a fine line with giving your child the information they need at the time without overwelming them with more than they are emotionally ready to handle. You definately want to give them the information before they learn it from their friends on the playground but I think the timing and the amount of information is really dependant on the emotional readiness of the child.wblossomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02453764972741793239noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-59552036148091025412009-07-15T18:19:21.562-05:002009-07-15T18:19:21.562-05:00Thanks, Lorraine! I always appreciate it when you...Thanks, Lorraine! I always appreciate it when you pop in to share your perspective.<br /><br />I couldn't agree more, Mei-Ling!malindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-6221797535511479822009-07-15T14:22:35.950-05:002009-07-15T14:22:35.950-05:00Let me add more to my comment:
So often I have m...Let me add more to my comment: <br /><br />So often I have met adoptees who have told me that though they were burning up with questions about their adoption, their other families, and wanted to talk to their parents about their thoughts, they felt they could not because it would be perceived as disloyal...and something that should NOT BE TALKED ABOUT. They were supposed to pretend they were not born into some other family, yet everyone knew this singular fact about them. <br /><br />After I was reunited with my daughter, Jane, her other mother said that relations between them improved because no there was no wondering...no "what if..." <br /><br />As I said before, this ought to be required reading for all adoptive parents. Your daughter is fortunate you understand this hole in her life, and are willing to go there.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-9217482601058427522009-07-15T14:16:04.305-05:002009-07-15T14:16:04.305-05:00Hi....thanks for this post. I would like every ado...Hi....thanks for this post. I would like every adoptive parent to read it. <br /><br />from a birth mother, <br />lorraine from <br />www.firstmotherforum.comLorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-49415678806069060262009-07-15T10:14:14.286-05:002009-07-15T10:14:14.286-05:00"I don't want to plant ideas in her head...."I don't want to plant ideas in her head."<br /><br />Plenty of toddlers are probably already thinking about their other parents.<br /><br />The idea that the adoptive parent is afraid of "planting ideas" in their child's head is absurd.<br /><br />They're probably already there, waiting for you to acknowledge them.Mei-Linghttp://sisterheping.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.com