tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post772133169163127996..comments2024-02-27T00:41:15.985-06:00Comments on AdoptionTalk: More on the Sherrie Eldridge Presentationmalindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-6957988906590907722010-03-14T20:54:36.416-05:002010-03-14T20:54:36.416-05:00Like Bukimom, I thought the book 20 things... was ...Like Bukimom, I thought the book 20 things... was very negative. I was glad I didn't read it before our adoption. But I'm so glad I did finally read it. <br /><br />Since reading Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child, I've started the conversation with our DD. She was 4 when this conversation started about HER story, not our story of adopting her. She was able to verbalize quite a bit about her being left and being given away by the orphanage people. It was very hard to hear--how much harder it is for her to live it! So please start talking to yours about some of their "issues" (for lack of a better word or phrase) as being adoption/abandonment related. This conversation with my DD started when my DH was deployed for 12 months. It was miserable for her, bringing up all kinds of grief old and new for her to deal with. Thank God DH does not have to be absent ever again for long periods of time.<br /><br />As for this being adopted as "God's will," let me tell you about a friend here who blogged this message (and I'm heavily paraphrasing this): She sees the adoption as Plan B. God's Plan A is for children to remain with their parents, within their own birth families and be loved by them. For some reason, this is not the case. So she and her family are Plan B. <br /><br />My DH and I are thrilled that our family gets to be Plan B for our little girl. She knows that her first family in China were her Plan A from God, but for some reason that we just don't know, we are Plan B. That is so simplistic but so accurate, in my world view. <br /><br />This parenting thing is scary stuff, with bio children or adopted.LucisMommahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03619129172904595176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-85909742827804413002010-03-09T22:37:19.171-06:002010-03-09T22:37:19.171-06:00Wow, I am so sorry that I missed this presentation...Wow, I am so sorry that I missed this presentation. We couldn't attend because of other commitments. I read Sherrie's book 20 Things before we adopted and my impression at the time was that it was very negative. I now have come to appreciate her insights more and would have loved to hear her talk. I am thrilled that she is coming at this from a faith perspective that I also share. <br /><br />BTW, I purchased her Forever Fingerprints at the last FCC Culture Day for my 7 year old, who absolutely loves that book. I really recommend it if you need help to open up with your kids on adoption-related topics.Bukimomnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-50627167820782943622010-03-09T08:05:08.247-06:002010-03-09T08:05:08.247-06:00Anonymous,
I think what's helpful for APs is ...Anonymous,<br /><br />I think what's helpful for APs is to listen to LOTS of adult adoptees. Sherrie Eldridge's viewpoint is easily accessible since she writes books about her experiences, but you're right, her experiences are no more or less valid than any other adult adoptee's experiences. It isn't fair, however, to dismiss what adult adoptees have to say to adoptive parents because their only expertise is lived experience. Collectively, adoptees are experts on the adoption experience, and who better to help us understand what the adoption experience might be for our kids?malindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-77699829171106877682010-03-09T00:07:20.398-06:002010-03-09T00:07:20.398-06:00Uh, who died and made Sherrie Eldridge the "e...Uh, who died and made Sherrie Eldridge the "expert" to tell us what to do? I love how just because "she" was adopted, she can tell all AP's how to handle things. Sheesh.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-75233069341705718532010-03-08T20:34:26.039-06:002010-03-08T20:34:26.039-06:00I can see how it could be helpful to teach kids to...I can see how it could be helpful to teach kids to understand when their behavior might be related to their grief/loss due to abandonment/adoption IF we are sure that is what it is. On the other hand, I don't like to blame every little problem on adoption, either. My daughter (the one with OCD, which is probably genetic, not adoption related) may fear rejection due to her OCD, not because of abandonment issues. Shoot, I often fear rejection... maybe that is because of my past experiences, but it isn't because of adoption, since I am not adopted. I think a lot of people fear rejection! So, how can you tell when a child is experiencing a reaction that is adoption related? Maybe it is when the reaction is out of proportion to the trigger? Just curious as to what others think about this?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-25011485671283834602010-03-08T20:22:35.613-06:002010-03-08T20:22:35.613-06:00Anonymous,
I removed your post. Feel free to rep...Anonymous,<br /><br />I removed your post. Feel free to repost your criticism without expletives. And I'd like to know who you think has "paid off" Sherrie Eldridge, and to what end.malindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-13675997917596154952010-03-08T12:18:12.409-06:002010-03-08T12:18:12.409-06:00I think talking to our kids about their adoption l...I think talking to our kids about their adoption loss causing a particular behavior is a good idea. I have abandonment issues from my childhood that manifest themselves in feelings of rejection, clingy behavior and dreams my husband is going to leave me, and when they arise I give myself a pep-talk that my abandonment issues are talking and that I am being over sensitive. This gives me a reality check and helps me realize that my brain might not be on the same page as my heart. When my daughter is cranky I often tell her that she is acting cranky because she might be hungry or tired, so she realizes that her behavior might be related to something physical, I think this is similar to helping her realize her behavior might be related to someting emotional.travelmom and morehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15120395106521653130noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-58288768047148706592010-03-08T09:25:51.072-06:002010-03-08T09:25:51.072-06:00I always hate when adoptive parents say they don&#...I always hate when adoptive parents say they don't want to bring things up in case the child is not thinking of them.<br /><br />I thnk its best to assume that evey adopted child has some feelings of being abandoned, greif ,and not good enough. Even if they smile, even if they learn to please their APs.It may be too complicated to communicate for a child, they may need help.<br /><br />But when do feelings unawknowleged turn to shame? I would guess its quite early.Lorahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03304963190823820769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-75604961755483738992010-03-07T21:56:36.306-06:002010-03-07T21:56:36.306-06:00Just a note about telling kids it is their adoptio...Just a note about telling kids it is their adoption loss talking, we use similar language in relation to M's PTSD--especially with her self-harming and it is working. I have integrated adoption loss during heavy grief periods and that seems to have helped too. I think it is helpful for her to know that the out of her control behavior has a cause and that she is not "bad". I know she used to say "I'm just bad" when self-harming when clearly she could not react any differently, she is moving away from that and seeing that it is a problem that she sees a doctor for just like any other illness. She is learning to take that responsibility and control and by having language for it, it is becoming something she is understanding, accepting, and changing.Jeff and Madelinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07330454830153579449noreply@blogger.com