tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post3763642268099907557..comments2024-02-27T00:41:15.985-06:00Comments on AdoptionTalk: World's Oldest Mother -- Age and Adoptionmalindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-36700342478112401992011-06-14T00:34:02.395-05:002011-06-14T00:34:02.395-05:00I like your thoughtful post, Malinda. And if we...I like your thoughtful post, Malinda. And if we're talking numbers, my mom was around 46 when she adopted me as a single mother. (I had really rambling thoughts on single motherhood awhile ago...http://meiayao.blogspot.com/2011/01/single-parenthood.html)<br /><br />Not sure if you mention this, but LilySea mentions the importance of a community of people around the person, and I think this is an important factor to consider as part of the entire context. My mom and I have a close network of family and friends, or friends-family as we call them.<br /><br />Also, just as a side-thought, I appreciate my mom's age, experience, and general attitude towards life. Whether the latter two are a result of the former I don't know, but nevertheless she has been and is a great mother and I'm glad she was allowed to adopt me!Meiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03089112543980902566noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-67367722153893930292011-06-01T18:06:15.126-05:002011-06-01T18:06:15.126-05:00I was 35 and 37 when my daughters were adopted. My...I was 35 and 37 when my daughters were adopted. My partner was 47 and 50. Our agency takes zero interest in age of adoptive parents as long as they are over 21.<br /><br />The agency director is 72 and has 11 (adopted) kids. The youngest three are 4 now. The older ones help a lot with the younger ones--you know, like people do in cultures all over the world and in our own culture a generation or two ago.<br /><br />I don't think her HIV+ 4-year olds would be better off in a foreign orphanage without access to HIV drugs, no I do not. I think they are very well off in their large family with a grandmother-aged parent and some fabulous older siblings and a huge community of people around them in similar circumstances.<br /><br />Yep, they've had losses. They are now blessed to have a family that understands those losses very well, having shared some of them, and being with a mom who knows more about adoption than 90% of the U.S. population. And if she dies next year, she will be leaving them in good hands, full of understanding and comfort and support.<br /><br />Screen all you want, but don't draw arbitrary lines in the sand. If your kid had a baby when you were 65 and dropped dead, would you want someone telling you you were too old to raise that child? These things depend on the circumstances of each individual case.<br /><br />Anything else is just tyranny of the majority.LilySeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08812905445813679050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-3353741822508367812010-01-15T16:50:40.458-06:002010-01-15T16:50:40.458-06:00I agree with Wendy. Agencies are often an ineffect...I agree with Wendy. Agencies are often an ineffectve tool as screeners in the adoption industry. A 50 year old gap is huge, and statistically speaking, these parents will not be around as long. Children, espeically ones that have already lost one family, desire more than just being ushered into adulthood. And you're right-- any home is not necessarily better.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-54585724621695135812010-01-14T08:49:37.213-06:002010-01-14T08:49:37.213-06:00Thanks for the kind comments, and thanks for the r...Thanks for the kind comments, and thanks for the respectful disagreement! I always appreciate hearing different opinions.<br /><br />Tonggu Mamma, what I'm saying is that there should not be some absolute line -- it may be the rare 60-65-70-year-old that should be approved for adoption, but I'm not willing to say that there are no circumstances where I would allow it. What about a relative adoption? Stepparent adoption? One much younger spouse? Legalizing an already existing care-taking arrangement? I think there are too many variables to use any one factor -- including age -- as a determinative factor.malindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-17120500470339081632010-01-13T16:56:47.840-06:002010-01-13T16:56:47.840-06:00This one is interesting for me because I have four...This one is interesting for me because I have four friends who became first-time moms over the age of 40 (two through adoption, two biologically). Still... I think, as with other issues (health, financial stability, stable relationships - whether single or married, commitment to the child), age matters in adoption.<br /><br />Adopted children experience loss from a very young age. I believe we should try to minimize the risk of a second loss as much as possible. And there is no getting around statistics. People who are older are more likely to die than people who are younger. Is that the case with everyone? No... but statistics are often all we have to go on.<br /><br />And yet... I know LOTS of excellent mommas who are older. So where is the line? Everyone has a line - you might say that you don't, but would you allow a 60-year-old to adopt an infant? What about a 65-year-old? How about 70? There's always a line... it's just different for different people. For many, that line is 50.<br /><br />Anyways, interesting post, Malinda, as always.a Tonggu Mommahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01365812914466181060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-55337448337351004622010-01-13T14:19:38.217-06:002010-01-13T14:19:38.217-06:00Interesting post...I am also 40 yrs older than Mia...Interesting post...I am also 40 yrs older than Mia. I had my first son when I was 32 and I feel I have really grown as a mother and I'm not as smothering as I was back then...more relaxed, etc. I also know that I would not want to adopt again at this point feeling that I would be too old.<br />P.S. your girls are truly blessed by their smart, good humored, loving mother that you are :)Joannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11792730015474096615noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-91870284808898818292010-01-13T12:39:40.840-06:002010-01-13T12:39:40.840-06:00Oh ny goodness! I just spent 15 minutes writing a...Oh ny goodness! I just spent 15 minutes writing a very eloquent comment, only to have the system fail and it not publish!<br /><br />What I said was some version of this: Hey! I resemble one of those remarks! :) I wish my mom was here to tell my good news to now, but if she had been 10 years younger or 20 years younger when I was born, she wouldn't have been the mother I had--she would have been my sisters' mother, who was a very different person. My mom understood all the important things that I told her and she would have understood that ONE thing too, but I didn't give her the chance. That was my shortcoming, not hers! You are a fabulous mom and your girls are lucky to have you as their mom--the you you are right now, not the you you were 10 or 20 years ago. <br /><br />clfAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-24513148230383287782010-01-13T12:00:31.127-06:002010-01-13T12:00:31.127-06:00I have to respectfully disagree. The truth of the...I have to respectfully disagree. The truth of the matter is that the current mode of "reviewing" parents is insufficient. There are some social workers that actually look at the family and evaluate people on a case by case basis; however, I don't think it is the norm. How many times have you read on forums within the China adoption community alone what a joke the whole home study process is? My own post-placement social worker (not our original social worker)--very respected agency in our area for domestic adoption--said that she didn't really see the need for "all of this. A home is better than no home." Uh no. <br />Look at the foster care system, how many times must children be shuttled from one home to the next being "tried on" by PAP's or become too much work for the family to handle--they all passed home studies. Of course this does not occur in every situation, BUT it is not out of the norm either.<br /><br />Age does matter. It matters as much as health, as much as finances, as much as resources. Adoption is NOT the same as biology, but what is important for children IS the same. <br /><br />Social stigma of older parents is not the issue--there are many bio kids in the same boat (mom or dad remarries and has a second family or a late baby after the first set are grown--typically 40's). <br /><br />How many grandparents do we see raising their children's children? Too many. Are the children parented the same, no. Are some of those children healthy, of course, but how many are not? I know too many children who live in the "older parent" (and I am not talking 40's) home and who have far more duties than should be expected of a child due to aging parental figures.<br /><br />In a biological situation it can not be helped, we do not have laws governing such a thing. We (as a nation) are too busy trying not to step on reproductive rights for those seeking fertility treatment--although we don't seem to mind squashing the young/poor parent--to look to the best interest of children; however, we can do that in adoption. We can say you shouldn't ask IF you can adopt, should you? If you do choose to adopt and are approved, not to mention truly just want to parent, you will adopt a child that does not have such a huge age gap. <br /><br />Of course I don't know why this particular celebrity chose China, I am not her and I don't really care, but could it be that she was looking for ayap? As we know five years ago was the boom for China's nsn ayap adoption program. Knowing her age at the time, 50 or so, what was the draw for a child so young? Yes, she could live to be 100, but what of her at 70/20, 80/30, 90/40?<br />If China feels those with facial disfigurement are unqualified regardless of age or 55 as a cutoff, what of 54? <br /><br />I did go back in my paperwork from years ago, it said someone of her age must adopt an older child. <br /> <br />Many factors are individual, as they should be. However, there are rules for AP's for a reason, they look at norms--health, weight, divorce, etc. It is our duty to the children to get it right. Any home is not always better.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com