tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post177491266295431281..comments2024-02-27T00:41:15.985-06:00Comments on AdoptionTalk: Conflicts Between Priorities in Adoption Placementsmalindahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-82224247344745173922012-08-14T07:39:27.983-05:002012-08-14T07:39:27.983-05:00There's a lot of information missing from that...There's a lot of information missing from that story, like when TPR happened and why the twins didn't go to their uncle when he first asked to take custody of them. Normally, if a family member asks for custody that family member is assessed and then either approved or denied as a placement option. I'd be somewhat surprised if the state thought the uncle was a fine placement for the older brother but not for the twins, though it's possible they were living somewhere where there wouldn't be separate rooms for the boys and the girl when they get to whatever age the state mandates gender separation for kids in care.<br /><br />Like a lot of these cases, even though I'm a foster/adoptive parent and I understand the tenacity of that love and the desire to keep their children in the home they think is best for them, and yet I also know that's not the job description. I will be absolutely overjoyed if we end up able to adopt Nia, who was recently placed with us, because I adore her and she's wonderful. Yet I know from the experience of adopting Mara how much grief <em>I</em> would have about the separation of a child from her family.<br /><br />We knew that up until the day the TPR was final, any relative could step forward and try to get custody. Every foster parent knows that and while it can be hard to live with, it's just reality. It sounds like Jeffrey did just that and it absolutely shouldn't matter that he's an adoptive rather than biological relative. <br /><br />I know this is a long post, but two more things. I'm appalled that the foster/adoptive family chose to make the children's faces and their mother's history part of this story. Both are things that, as foster parents, you're expected not to do and it seems like they're inappropriately flaunting their adoptive privilege by doing so, but I guess that's sort of what they want to do.<br /><br />The other is that we as a culture need to do more to support kinship placements. My daughter Mara's youngest sibling lives with a non-biological aunt (mom's ex-stepsister who was raised with her as a sister, but they share no biological or legal ties now) and in our state that's enough to mean that the only option is that the child has been in temporary guardianship for four years now since birth, whereas Mara's older siblings are with their aunt (mom's biological half-sister) and are in permanent guardianship. Although both women live in poverty, neither gets as much support from the state (financial or otherwise) as we adoptive parents do and they have to rely on child support payments that rarely get made. If kinship caregivers were paid and trained at parity with foster parents, the children would be better off. This is by no means a slur on Mara's aunts, whom I love and who are doing an amazing job raising her wonderful siblings. Mara has financial and cultural privileges her siblings don't because she's living with us, but she's also missing out on some wonderful things that they have because they live as family (the two families live across from one another) and see their looks and personalities reflected back at themselves daily. We've been lucky enough to get Mara deeply involved in her family's life after a gap of almost two years before we reunited with them, which means we are also in mentoring roles with her siblings and cousins, but it's hard and sad and also good and humane and we're all doing our best. That's all anyone can do, but I don't see that perspective coming from the Williams family.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-316191265933534655.post-54857342288066169942012-08-13T22:47:27.109-05:002012-08-13T22:47:27.109-05:00I don't know how I would rule. I just want to ...I don't know how I would rule. I just want to say that these scenarios are incredibly common in foster care, and one reason why some are reluctant to adopt from the system. CPS often fails to be proactive in finding/recruiting birth family placement, and so a foster family becomes attached before birth family comes into the picture. Most locals promote a fost-adopt commitment, meaning you foster while a birth family search is on, but you are willing to adopt the child if no birth family is found. While the goal is permanency for the child, it puts all the adults involved at emotional risk, and that harms the whole system, and ultimately the kids. There are no easy, blanket solutions.Sharonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08784278664781220746noreply@blogger.com